Hugs, OP. I spent my 41st year pursuing an elusive #2 with no success. I knew my chances were low due to age, but still had hope. Three transfers later it is clear as day that my body is not doing its job anymore. I am very saddened, but since I can't turn back time, it is what it is. I deferred to DH if he wants to pursue the DE route. I would absolutely love to have another infant, a genetic sibling for DS, and another child for DH (I adore both and blame myself for the situation we are in. Neither deserves to be shortchanged just because I was stupid enough not to seek help earlier.) But I don't want to withstand the emotional and financial strain just for me. I will only do it if DH decides he passionately wants another genetic child. I asked him to think about what he wants and doesn't want to do, and he said he would. We may revisit the topic early next year.

I am an only child myself, and I like it this way. The only strong negative I experience is the debilitating fear that something bad will happen to my only. I will not outlive my child, I know that much. But this is therapy material, and healthy people don't deal with it to that degree. I think.

Anyway, I am in a pretty dark place myself and know exactly how you feel, OP. I don't know if knowing there are quite a few of us out there helps. Hopefully, it does.

I completely get how you feel OP. I went through years of treatments to have my first that included surgery and IVF. I had 3 embryos left and recently did a series of FETs that failed and have nothing left. It was awful and we are done. Going through it took me right back to that terrible place before I had my daughter. Time wise it wasn't a big deal but those injections really screw with your body and the emotional aspect is hard. It was easy for me when all I had to worry about was work but when you're taking care of a toddler it's a whole different ballgame. You can't spend half the day on the couch depressed about bad news or watching tv to take your mind off of it. I also was really scared about problems with the baby this time around. Even though they were frozen I knew each time they were getting lower quality and the last one they put in actually looked mangled. Also, I felt like at my age (approaching 40) carrying the baby to term was going to be more difficult and risky. The mentality of have a child at all costs is gone when you already have a child to take care of.

Hey folks - OP here. Saw the IVF guy. He thinks it's possibly early menopause but is running a number of tests. He agreed that IVF at 40 with my history is not a good idea. I feel relieved. I was afraid I was going to get the hard sell for treatments I doubt would be effective. He agreed they'd likely be ineffective.

So there you go.

Anonymous wrote:I mean this kindly, but do you see a therapist? It seems to me that you have some form of PTSD and could really benefit from some psychological help.

Wow. I hadn't thought of that. I do take your recommendation kindly. I think you may be right. I never used to flinch from needles and now find myself getting really worked up. I used to see a therapist but haven't gone in a long time. I will consider your advice.