Anonymous
10/24/2015 09:02
Subject: Re:I need help not thinking about divorcing my husband.
I'm not advocating for divorce but something needs to change because the resentment will kill you. DH lost his job twice and we had little kids or one kid and another in the way. He was filled with shame anger and depression, but he networked like crazy, applied for jobs and ended up with a much better job.
He did not automatically pick up slack at home but I made lists of chores and asked him which ones he was going to accomplish and more importantly when, while acknowledging that job search can be draining. It was a rough time but it was imperative that I did not make him feel worse by nagging, at same time I did not let him off hook. Made it business like. I also prefaced it as "when yo get a new job you will have to put 110% in st the start and I will pick up the slack for you. In the meantime I appreciate you taking on xyz chores so I can focus more on work during this period."
He did not automatically pick up slack at home but I made lists of chores and asked him which ones he was going to accomplish and more importantly when, while acknowledging that job search can be draining. It was a rough time but it was imperative that I did not make him feel worse by nagging, at same time I did not let him off hook. Made it business like. I also prefaced it as "when yo get a new job you will have to put 110% in st the start and I will pick up the slack for you. In the meantime I appreciate you taking on xyz chores so I can focus more on work during this period."
Anonymous
10/24/2015 05:44
Subject: I need help not thinking about divorcing my husband.
Seriously, I am truly dumbfounded that there are women on here talking about how important it is that this relationship is not currently "satisfying" and advocating instant divorce.
And what if it is partially a "character" issue? Do you think people are perfect?
Do you think automatically suggesting a woman toss her husband and forever changer her kids lives based on a few paragraphs of information is a character issue? Because I sure do.
And what if it is partially a "character" issue? Do you think people are perfect?
Do you think automatically suggesting a woman toss her husband and forever changer her kids lives based on a few paragraphs of information is a character issue? Because I sure do.
Anonymous
10/23/2015 22:46
Subject: I need help not thinking about divorcing my husband.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think women have trouble empathizing with how psychologically damaging unemployment can be for men.
Men are almost entirely judged by their vocation, so when they lose a good job, they are instantly reduced to a zero in their eyes and that of much of society. It can be devastating. The suicide rate for unemployed men is more than double that of working men, and several times that of women, in general.
I would really just try to bite your tongue, even if you don't feel like you should have to. Eventually, he get it together and appreciate that you didn't kick him while he was down.
Complete bullshit. I was unemployed for only 5 weeks when we had just hired a nanny and had kids ages 3 and 1. I humped it every day looking for work, and I'm the mom/wife. Do something!
Develop a little empathy. it will go a long way.
Anonymous
10/23/2015 22:26
Subject: I need help not thinking about divorcing my husband.
Anonymous wrote:I think women have trouble empathizing with how psychologically damaging unemployment can be for men.
Men are almost entirely judged by their vocation, so when they lose a good job, they are instantly reduced to a zero in their eyes and that of much of society. It can be devastating. The suicide rate for unemployed men is more than double that of working men, and several times that of women, in general.
I would really just try to bite your tongue, even if you don't feel like you should have to. Eventually, he get it together and appreciate that you didn't kick him while he was down.
Complete bullshit. I was unemployed for only 5 weeks when we had just hired a nanny and had kids ages 3 and 1. I humped it every day looking for work, and I'm the mom/wife. Do something!
Anonymous
10/23/2015 21:09
Subject: I need help not thinking about divorcing my husband.
I actually agree that there is truth to men being defined by and valued by their job and that it's psychologically damaging to suddenly have your defining thing taken away. But it's not enough to say, "Oh poor guy, he's judged negatively by society. Just grit your feet while he contributes absolutely nothing to the family because he'll be grateful later." You can sympathize with his loss of identity and feel of not being socially valuable while still holding him accountable for basic adult partner stuff like keeping up the house and caring for his children. If this was a woman who wasn't trying that hard to get a job, wasn't taking care of the house, and wasn't looking after the kids, people would be all over that.
Anonymous
10/23/2015 21:07
Subject: Re:I need help not thinking about divorcing my husband.
Anonymous wrote:
OP - If your insurance will cover counseling, then I would suggest you in a calm manner share your concerns about him and yourself and suggest that it would be positive to have a neutral person help both of you flesh out your feelings and concerns and come up with a plan because right now things are not working. Also in his field is he doing activities which could help him make connections? The other aspect is that if he is not working in his field why can't he sign up to be a substitute teacher? Why can't he use his skills set in volunteering with a non-profit. Whether he is depressed or lazy, he needs to create a daily/weekly routine of activity that will get him moving:
- to continue to actively look for a job
- to do something positive/productive that he can talk to you about
- to carry his part of child care/household/yard tasks - with so much free time now
- to stay physically fit
In the discussion if he will not carry the load of household tasks, then offer him the choice as mentioned of at least picking up the kids at daycare, getting dinner ready and caring for them at night. If he is unwilling to share some sort of an arrangement on tasks, this will be a real flag for you. But right now it is true you would be the one to suffer financially
the most. I do hope that you are in charge of the finances because right now the level of trust in him is just lacking.
+1. I also think it is fair to emphasize that you are a team and that means you back each other up. If you started a new job that wasn't very flexible, you would like to think that if he could he would shift to doing some of the pickups or help come up with a workable solution for both of you and. With his old schedule and job location, you took on both dropoff and pickup instead of splitting it even though it makes your day that much longer, but did it because it would have been even more work for him to do so. If he no longer has the same commute and is in a position to do more with the kids he should be willing to help lighten your load.
Anonymous
10/23/2015 20:45
Subject: I need help not thinking about divorcing my husband.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think women have trouble empathizing with how psychologically damaging unemployment can be for men.
Men are almost entirely judged by their vocation, so when they lose a good job, they are instantly reduced to a zero in their eyes and that of much of society. It can be devastating. The suicide rate for unemployed men is more than double that of working men, and several times that of women, in general.
I would really just try to bite your tongue, even if you don't feel like you should have to. Eventually, he get it together and appreciate that you didn't kick him while he was down.
I'm tired of the excuse that men are weak. I'll be damned if I raise my son to be like this.
I don't think that "men are weak" was the point of the previous post.
If you are thr first poster here, yes you do. You just are so brainwashed into your role, you don't realize it.
+1
Anonymous
10/23/2015 20:43
Subject: I need help not thinking about divorcing my husband.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think women have trouble empathizing with how psychologically damaging unemployment can be for men.
Men are almost entirely judged by their vocation, so when they lose a good job, they are instantly reduced to a zero in their eyes and that of much of society. It can be devastating. The suicide rate for unemployed men is more than double that of working men, and several times that of women, in general.
I would really just try to bite your tongue, even if you don't feel like you should have to. Eventually, he get it together and appreciate that you didn't kick him while he was down.
I'm tired of the excuse that men are weak. I'll be damned if I raise my son to be like this.
I don't think that "men are weak" was the point of the previous post.
If you are thr first poster here, yes you do. You just are so brainwashed into your role, you don't realize it.
Anonymous
10/23/2015 20:41
Subject: I need help not thinking about divorcing my husband.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think women have trouble empathizing with how psychologically damaging unemployment can be for men.
Men are almost entirely judged by their vocation, so when they lose a good job, they are instantly reduced to a zero in their eyes and that of much of society. It can be devastating. The suicide rate for unemployed men is more than double that of working men, and several times that of women, in general.
I would really just try to bite your tongue, even if you don't feel like you should have to. Eventually, he get it together and appreciate that you didn't kick him while he was down.
I'm tired of the excuse that men are weak. I'll be damned if I raise my son to be like this.
I don't think that "men are weak" was the point of the previous post.
Anonymous
10/23/2015 19:54
Subject: I need help not thinking about divorcing my husband.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think women have trouble empathizing with how psychologically damaging unemployment can be for men.
Men are almost entirely judged by their vocation, so when they lose a good job, they are instantly reduced to a zero in their eyes and that of much of society. It can be devastating. The suicide rate for unemployed men is more than double that of working men, and several times that of women, in general.
I would really just try to bite your tongue, even if you don't feel like you should have to. Eventually, he get it together and appreciate that you didn't kick him while he was down.
I'm tired of the excuse that men are weak. I'll be damned if I raise my son to be like this.
Same. As if men are spineless little babies. It's insulting to men, and to women.
Anonymous
10/23/2015 19:52
Subject: I need help not thinking about divorcing my husband.
Anonymous wrote:I think women have trouble empathizing with how psychologically damaging unemployment can be for men.
Men are almost entirely judged by their vocation, so when they lose a good job, they are instantly reduced to a zero in their eyes and that of much of society. It can be devastating. The suicide rate for unemployed men is more than double that of working men, and several times that of women, in general.
I would really just try to bite your tongue, even if you don't feel like you should have to. Eventually, he get it together and appreciate that you didn't kick him while he was down.
I'm tired of the excuse that men are weak. I'll be damned if I raise my son to be like this.
Anonymous
10/23/2015 19:10
Subject: I need help not thinking about divorcing my husband.
I think women have trouble empathizing with how psychologically damaging unemployment can be for men.
Men are almost entirely judged by their vocation, so when they lose a good job, they are instantly reduced to a zero in their eyes and that of much of society. It can be devastating. The suicide rate for unemployed men is more than double that of working men, and several times that of women, in general.
I would really just try to bite your tongue, even if you don't feel like you should have to. Eventually, he get it together and appreciate that you didn't kick him while he was down.
Men are almost entirely judged by their vocation, so when they lose a good job, they are instantly reduced to a zero in their eyes and that of much of society. It can be devastating. The suicide rate for unemployed men is more than double that of working men, and several times that of women, in general.
I would really just try to bite your tongue, even if you don't feel like you should have to. Eventually, he get it together and appreciate that you didn't kick him while he was down.
Anonymous
10/23/2015 19:05
Subject: I need help not thinking about divorcing my husband.
How do you think that divorcing him will make your life any easier?
If he is unemployed, you could end up paying him child support and alimony, as often happens when it's the woman who doesn't work outside of the house.
If he is unemployed, you could end up paying him child support and alimony, as often happens when it's the woman who doesn't work outside of the house.
Anonymous
10/23/2015 17:19
Subject: I need help not thinking about divorcing my husband.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Stop thinking about it because you are the only one employed and might have to pay his loser ass support. Wait till he gets a job and run fast. He is of poor character.
No doubt, he should file for divorce while the getting's good so he can collect not only alimony but child support and receive at least joint custody as well. Great idea!
He shoud, but he's not that smart and he'd probably still have to get a J.O.B.
Anonymous
10/23/2015 17:01
Subject: Re:I need help not thinking about divorcing my husband.
Anonymous wrote:
*WHY* are the kids being dropped off at a family's members house while your husband is home all day? Do your kids just enjoy waking up at 6:30 am?
+1 what the hell...