I know how to sew on a button, but even if I didn't, and even if I couldn't afford to hire someone to do it for me, I am pretty sure I could figure it out. It's not rocket science.

I'm 30 and don't know how to sew a button. But I do know how to get to the dry cleaners where they have a tailor who will do it for me.

Anonymous wrote:That is not the schools job. That is the job of her parents who failed her.

+1


Actually, I don't think it's a big deal that an 18yo can't do these tasks. We all grow and learn things at different times. It's only a problem if she is unwilling to learn or take responsibility for her home/marriage/etc as an adult.

Regardless, the fact that you think it's the school's job/fault/problem is not okay.

That is not the schools job. That is the job of her parents who failed her.

OP,

Most educated people would be worried their child was marrying so early, and perhaps having children before their studies and careers are fully fledged.

Most people do not worry that their barely adult children can sew or cook, because that is the nature of raising children, nowadays - scant attention is paid to these things.

You really seem to have stepped off a time capsule from the 18th century. I married "early" at 23, and my MIL walked me through one recipe from her culture, how to scrub zucchini (after I had served her gritty ones), and how to sew a button. Perhaps she moaned in private, who knows. But she was nothing less than supportive in my presence! I have great respect and affection for her.

I figured out on my own how to manage a household, and now I can cook complex dishes and sew my daughter's fancy Halloween get-ups. I'm darn proud of myself, I have to say!

My mother, who is 65, still does not know how to cook. It's all about motivation.

Shouldn't you be more concerned about her not living her life, not going to college or starting a career rather than her cooking skills? (I assume she is not college bound if she wants to get married now.)

This is what gets me. Why is it a school's job to teach basic survival skills? Why? Because parents and other community organizations don't want to take responsibility. So lets just pile ethics, family planning, home ec, driving, etc etc etc onto our already overburdened and flailing school system.

Your SD is not functioning as an independent adult because she just became one and still needs to practice and her parents/guardians have not prioritized life skills. This is not the failing of the schools. It's the failing of her parents.

OP, I sympathize -- I have a 21 year old SD who dropped out of CC and is drifting. The sort of good news is that yours seems to place some value in settling down, having a home and family. (As opposed to say, doing drugs and partying indiscriminately.)

A few thoughts:

1) A learning disability should not prevent her from having a career. Maybe it won't be an academic career, but she could do SO many other things that don't require college. Have you talked to her about what her strengths are, what she enjoys doing, what she sees her life looking like? She could be a vet tech, a chimney sweep (I'm not kidding, it's a great field), a dog trainer, an HVAC technician, a day care provider, a companion to the elderly - there are SO SO many options that don't require college. You need to focus on how she is going to support herself, not sewing a button.

2) Make sure she has household responsibilities and a budget now, while she is in your home. Do you support her financially now? She's 18; make sure some bills such as her cell phone are in her name. Make sure she pays her percentage of your car insurance, etc. so she gets used to budgeting.

3) If you still support her now, require her to use budgeting software for spending her "allowance" or whatever it is. I'd require a weekly budget meeting to go over it. You Need a Budget (YNAB) software is really good for this. Make sure she has a checking account and starts paying some bills from it.

4) Encourage them to do premarital counseling. Offer to pay for it if necessary.

It's not the end of the world if your SD is married for a few years and gets a divorce. It would be much, much worse if she got married and never worked and got a divorce 15 years later. I know it's hard as the stepmom - you don't have as much influence as a parent - but this young woman clearly needs more support to help find her life goals.

How about offering to pay for her to see a counselor herself, particularly a good career counselor? I had some pretty good luck at the Women's Center in Vienna for this.

Just for he record, I taught my 2 young adult son's to do laundry, iron their shirts and sew on a button. I sure do hope their future wives appreciate it! To the OP: buy a George Forman grill for your DS--my boys could not live without it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't change her mind. Your job as SM is to support, support, support. You can see if they are wiling to postpone until after college. But if she doens't want to, then this is one of those areas that she just has to go through it and learn from her mistakes.

OP here.....I agree with you. I know there is nothing I can say or do about this. I can help her learn the skills she needs to function in the grown up world and I can be there to answer questions about how do I..... but that's really all I can do for her right now. The other PP is right. I'm sad because she's not going to have the opportunity to learn who she is and who she wants to be before becoming someones wife and mother.

The ideas about "who I am and who I want to be" are evolving. I got married "late," at more than double your SD's age, knowing how to sew a button and all. Since that time, my self-concept has changed. Hasn't yours?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is an 18 year old thinking of marriage?

Where is your husband in this?

I suppose for the same reason that any of us think of marriage. DH is on the head shaking plan with me but realizes that she is an adult and can legally make her own decisions.

Anonymous wrote:Lady, your 18 year old stepchild just got engaged and what concerns you is that she can't sew a button?

You have some weird, weird priorities.

I can appreciate your perspective. But she is 18. As the step mom of a legal adult, I have very little say in this matter. It's going to happen whether DH and I agree, support, or want this to occur. We can either embrace it and help them learn to manage life or it will happen and we can let them falter.

Anonymous wrote:You are concerned about all the wrong things OP. I was 32 when I got married and didn't know how to cook or sew or do any domestic duties really. I worked all day, got my clothes dry cleaned, and ate out every night and you know what? I did that for the first years of my marriage too until I had kids. The issues with your SD is she hasn't had a chance to live HER life. Thats the tragedy not that she didn't get enough home economics in school.

Yes you are correct. She hasn't had a chance to live her life. So how do you tell an 18 yr old that she needs to live her life before settling down into marriage? Or I suppose the better question is how do you convince an 18 yr old that she needs to live her life first?

You could enthusiastically embrace the tradition of a long engagement (a June wedding in 2018, how marvelous!) and cultivate a close relationship around preparing her for married life (Home Ec. Intensive), while also exposing her to opportunities to gain life experience through travel or some sort of bucket list?

Anonymous wrote:Can't, don't means won't.

Hopefully she and her soon to be husband will make enough money to outsource housework and child care like the ones posting here do. Or they can live in filth, wear wrinkled dirty clothes, eat out or buy microwaved dinners. It's not your job to teach her anything. Just don't visit them.

I've been through 4 dirty helpless DILs. Both sons hit the jackpot with their 3rd.

NO they didn't. Either they'll divorce or you'll post about hating the new DILs by Christmas!

Teach her how to fight fair. Teach her how to compromise. Teach her how to balance a checkbook and build a budget.

Talk about how challenging marriage is - not because you have to cook, but because navigating life is hard, even with someone you love.

Cooking, cleaning and sewing are learned skills and are FAR FAR FAR less important than emotional intelligence and maturity.

I would prioritize things differently in terms of how you can help best prepare these kids for marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does the school need to teach it?
Why can't life skills be taught at home?
An 18 year old not knowing how to cook or basic life skills getting married or not is a parenting fail in my book.

This. My parents made sure I knew how to do basic stuff--how to do laundry, how to make at least a few easy meals from scratch, how to follow a simple recipe, how to sew on a button or fix a hem, how to clean, how to change a tire, how to perform minor household repairs, how to balance a checkbook, etc. This is not a school's job. These are the kinds of things that a kid should be required to do as they are growing up, both to contribute to the household and to be prepared to manage things when they are not living at home.

All of this. Our kids are way too young still for most of these things, but we have a list much like this one of the things they'll need to learn to do growing up in our family. Between my husband and I, we have all these skills and then some, and it's completely on us to pass them on to our kids. Our almost four year old is already responsible for putting her dirty clothes in her hamper, getting dressed, taking her dishes to the sink after meals, etc. Putting this stuff on schools is absurd, IMO. If an 18 year old can't do laundry, that's his/her parents' fault for not expecting them to do it and showing them how. Seriously?

Do you use those woodworking and mechanic skills, OP? I'm 43, too, and took those classes as well, but junior high was a long time ago. The first and last time I soldered something was a tin lamp in 1985. If I'd struck out on my own at 18, Im pretty sure that wouldn't have saved me from disaster.

I'm guessing we have dramatically different worldviews, which is fine, but I don't understand lamenting that your engaged 18yo is ill prepared for life because she didn't have home ec and woodworking in school. If she was with you every other weekend, you could have worked on that stuff then if it is so incredibly important to adulthood. Or maybe you can tell her she can't get married until she can sew a seam perfectly.