Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I love my DH and I am thankful for him every day. I do regret that we had a very difficult courtship with both sides of our family extremely displeased. We eloped! And told everyone afterward. Our parents were heart broken and it sucked. Our day to day marriage is happier than most but I still don't have a good relationship with my in laws due to religious/ cultural prejudices. I kinda wish I married someone from the same culture/religion. Would I have been able to have a normal happy marriage with someone else? Probably!

It's just weird to see my younger sis do the exact same thing. I thought she'd look at us and go wow I want a normal marriage but she's choosing the exact same path and will face the same difficulties. I don't get how me saying why are you doing this too? Is hypocritical.

I agree with the others that with this explanation, are a hypocrite if you tell her not to go ahead with the courtship/marriage. You haven't divorced your husband to seek out "a normal happy marriage with someone else," so clearly you think your marriage is worth it despite the family strife. You want her to give up the person she loves in order to not have family strife, something you're not willing to do yourself.

What I'm doing is an experiment. It's certainly not been done by anyone in either one of our families. I don't know if we'll work out for what will happen once the kids comes around. It's a risky endeavor and it has not been easy. Marriages where both families are happy are probably a lot easier than ours.

I also feel bad for my poor parents and how they'll feel knowing 2 of their kids did something they'd deem unimaginable. Not to mention how I'll be seen as responsible for setting up this "bad" example for my sister.

I feel like I made a bad decision and now her actions are continuing it.

Okay, this actually gets you further into hypocrite territory. "I married the man I loved, but you can't, because it will make our parents feel bad and I'll get blamed." Look, you married the guy you wanted to marry. You no doubt knew in advance that your parents wouldn't be pleased. You decided it was worth it anyway. Your sister supported you. Why can't you be supporting of her? Letting her know what some of the specific challenges you faced might be helpful, but telling her she's making a terrible mistake is not helpful.

This is the crux of it, OP. You admit you brought your parents unhappiness with your actions. You don't get to tell your sister she can't do the same because it'll bring them additional hurt. If you hurt them, it's on you to find a way to repair that hurt, not stop your sister from causing more hurt by doing EXACTLY what you deemed acceptable for yourself.

Furthermore, if this whole thing is a risky experiment and you have no idea it'll turn out well, why on earth did you go through with it? Very weird to put all your family relationships in jeopardy for a relationship you seem iffy about. That might also be part of your sister's issue with you, particularly if she truly loves this guy. You're stopping her from causing further pain when to her, her marriage might actually seem worth the pain it'll cause, unlike yours which you seem pretty wishy washy on.

I'm already working to heal the hurt. So I should just sit and watch as she hurts them more?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I love my DH and I am thankful for him every day. I do regret that we had a very difficult courtship with both sides of our family extremely displeased. We eloped! And told everyone afterward. Our parents were heart broken and it sucked. Our day to day marriage is happier than most but I still don't have a good relationship with my in laws due to religious/ cultural prejudices. I kinda wish I married someone from the same culture/religion. Would I have been able to have a normal happy marriage with someone else? Probably!

It's just weird to see my younger sis do the exact same thing. I thought she'd look at us and go wow I want a normal marriage but she's choosing the exact same path and will face the same difficulties. I don't get how me saying why are you doing this too? Is hypocritical.

I agree with the others that with this explanation, are a hypocrite if you tell her not to go ahead with the courtship/marriage. You haven't divorced your husband to seek out "a normal happy marriage with someone else," so clearly you think your marriage is worth it despite the family strife. You want her to give up the person she loves in order to not have family strife, something you're not willing to do yourself.

What I'm doing is an experiment. It's certainly not been done by anyone in either one of our families. I don't know if we'll work out for what will happen once the kids comes around. It's a risky endeavor and it has not been easy. Marriages where both families are happy are probably a lot easier than ours.

I also feel bad for my poor parents and how they'll feel knowing 2 of their kids did something they'd deem unimaginable. Not to mention how I'll be seen as responsible for setting up this "bad" example for my sister.

I feel like I made a bad decision and now her actions are continuing it.

Okay, this actually gets you further into hypocrite territory. "I married the man I loved, but you can't, because it will make our parents feel bad and I'll get blamed." Look, you married the guy you wanted to marry. You no doubt knew in advance that your parents wouldn't be pleased. You decided it was worth it anyway. Your sister supported you. Why can't you be supporting of her? Letting her know what some of the specific challenges you faced might be helpful, but telling her she's making a terrible mistake is not helpful.

This is the crux of it, OP. You admit you brought your parents unhappiness with your actions. You don't get to tell your sister she can't do the same because it'll bring them additional hurt. If you hurt them, it's on you to find a way to repair that hurt, not stop your sister from causing more hurt by doing EXACTLY what you deemed acceptable for yourself.

Furthermore, if this whole thing is a risky experiment and you have no idea it'll turn out well, why on earth did you go through with it? Very weird to put all your family relationships in jeopardy for a relationship you seem iffy about. That might also be part of your sister's issue with you, particularly if she truly loves this guy. You're stopping her from causing further pain when to her, her marriage might actually seem worth the pain it'll cause, unlike yours which you seem pretty wishy washy on.

Anonymous wrote:When I was younger I did something that I am not proud of that, if I could do over would not do again. It did not "ruin" my life and I think I turned out okay but it definitely hurt my parents and family and it did create a lot of unnecessary stress and strain for myself and everyone involved.

My younger sister is now taking the same exact steps and is on the same path. I recently told her to not continue going down this path as it is going to create a lot of hurt and disappointment within the family and it isn't the easiest road to take.

She called me a hypocrite and a fake and hasn't spoken to me in 5 days.

So, just because you do something, you resign yourself to never being able to advise against it ever?

Does your husband know that you are ashamed of marrying him and that if you had the choice to do it over, you wouldn't marry him?

^^ a first for my family, I mean! sorry..

New poster: OP I think you and your family have a slightly outdated view of interfaith marriages, at least for D.C. because I am in one (it was a first) and I look around and seem them everywhere! Maybe your sister sees the same thing and experiences the same puzzlement.

You didn't marry an alien, you married a member of another faith. Many families have Chrismukkah and other blended celebrations around here now.

Maybe your sister does see you as a bit of a hypocrite. If I told one of my siblings (or kids) not to intermarry I would be a hypocrite myself.

Why not take a different approach? Why not join her and celebrate her life with her DH?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I love my DH and I am thankful for him every day. I do regret that we had a very difficult courtship with both sides of our family extremely displeased. We eloped! And told everyone afterward. Our parents were heart broken and it sucked. Our day to day marriage is happier than most but I still don't have a good relationship with my in laws due to religious/ cultural prejudices. I kinda wish I married someone from the same culture/religion. Would I have been able to have a normal happy marriage with someone else? Probably!

It's just weird to see my younger sis do the exact same thing. I thought she'd look at us and go wow I want a normal marriage but she's choosing the exact same path and will face the same difficulties. I don't get how me saying why are you doing this too? Is hypocritical.

I agree with the others that with this explanation, are a hypocrite if you tell her not to go ahead with the courtship/marriage. You haven't divorced your husband to seek out "a normal happy marriage with someone else," so clearly you think your marriage is worth it despite the family strife. You want her to give up the person she loves in order to not have family strife, something you're not willing to do yourself.

What I'm doing is an experiment. It's certainly not been done by anyone in either one of our families. I don't know if we'll work out for what will happen once the kids comes around. It's a risky endeavor and it has not been easy. Marriages where both families are happy are probably a lot easier than ours.

I also feel bad for my poor parents and how they'll feel knowing 2 of their kids did something they'd deem unimaginable. Not to mention how I'll be seen as responsible for setting up this "bad" example for my sister.

I feel like I made a bad decision and now her actions are continuing it.

Okay, this actually gets you further into hypocrite territory. "I married the man I loved, but you can't, because it will make our parents feel bad and I'll get blamed." Look, you married the guy you wanted to marry. You no doubt knew in advance that your parents wouldn't be pleased. You decided it was worth it anyway. Your sister supported you. Why can't you be supporting of her? Letting her know what some of the specific challenges you faced might be helpful, but telling her she's making a terrible mistake is not helpful.

Anonymous wrote:When I was younger I did something that I am not proud of that, if I could do over would not do again. It did not "ruin" my life and I think I turned out okay but it definitely hurt my parents and family and it did create a lot of unnecessary stress and strain for myself and everyone involved.

My younger sister is now taking the same exact steps and is on the same path. I recently told her to not continue going down this path as it is going to create a lot of hurt and disappointment within the family and it isn't the easiest road to take.

She called me a hypocrite and a fake and hasn't spoken to me in 5 days.

So, just because you do something, you resign yourself to never being able to advise against it ever?

Sister needs to make her own mistakes. You can impart your experience, but let her do what she wants with that information. Don't criticize her unless it somehow starts to affect your well being.

It's her life and no one likes being told how to live it.

OP, I think she would have been less offended if you had seemed more supportive and perhaps given her some specific, helpful advice. E.g., "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know I had a hard time figuring out what to do when I fell in love with Larlo. I wish for you that things could have been easier, but I certainly know from my own experience that you fall in love with whomever you fall in love with! In some ways I still have regrets, about what I did--we continue to have rocky relationships with both sets of parents, so be aware that that can continue. Plus, having to tell Mom and Dad after the fact was very painful, and I regret the way I did it. I wish in retrospect we had let them known in advance, and then given them the choice of whether or not to attend. I still feel like we took the coward's way out…"

You also said she supported you in your decision--couldn't you have found a kinder way to support her?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What I'm doing is an experiment. It's certainly not been done by anyone in either one of our families. I don't know if we'll work out for what will happen once the kids comes around. It's a risky endeavor and it has not been easy. Marriages where both families are happy are probably a lot easier than ours.

I also feel bad for my poor parents and how they'll feel knowing 2 of their kids did something they'd deem unimaginable. Not to mention how I'll be seen as responsible for setting up this "bad" example for my sister.

I feel like I made a bad decision and now her actions are continuing it.

Would you tell your husband that marrying him was a bad decision? And, if it was a bad decision, why aren't you doing anything to undo it?

By the way, marrying despite parental disapproval is hardly an experiment. People have been doing it for thousands of years, if not much longer.

No. I'm not saying marrying him was a bad decision because he's s bad husband. I mean it was a bad decision in terms of upsetting our families and not being able to have a proper wedding ceremony etc.

You sound childish and petulant. Are you in a happy and functional marriage or not? Still you are fixated on a ceremony. Do you feel less married? I know you treat it as an experiment but that may come as a shock to your DH. I hope he discovers how much you despise

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What I'm doing is an experiment. It's certainly not been done by anyone in either one of our families. I don't know if we'll work out for what will happen once the kids comes around. It's a risky endeavor and it has not been easy. Marriages where both families are happy are probably a lot easier than ours.

I also feel bad for my poor parents and how they'll feel knowing 2 of their kids did something they'd deem unimaginable. Not to mention how I'll be seen as responsible for setting up this "bad" example for my sister.

I feel like I made a bad decision and now her actions are continuing it.

Would you tell your husband that marrying him was a bad decision? And, if it was a bad decision, why aren't you doing anything to undo it?

By the way, marrying despite parental disapproval is hardly an experiment. People have been doing it for thousands of years, if not much longer.

No. I'm not saying marrying him was a bad decision because he's s bad husband. I mean it was a bad decision in terms of upsetting our families and not being able to have a proper wedding ceremony etc.

Anonymous wrote:

What I'm doing is an experiment. It's certainly not been done by anyone in either one of our families. I don't know if we'll work out for what will happen once the kids comes around. It's a risky endeavor and it has not been easy. Marriages where both families are happy are probably a lot easier than ours.

I also feel bad for my poor parents and how they'll feel knowing 2 of their kids did something they'd deem unimaginable. Not to mention how I'll be seen as responsible for setting up this "bad" example for my sister.

I feel like I made a bad decision and now her actions are continuing it.

Would you tell your husband that marrying him was a bad decision? And, if it was a bad decision, why aren't you doing anything to undo it?

By the way, marrying despite parental disapproval is hardly an experiment. People have been doing it for thousands of years, if not much longer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I love my DH and I am thankful for him every day. I do regret that we had a very difficult courtship with both sides of our family extremely displeased. We eloped! And told everyone afterward. Our parents were heart broken and it sucked. Our day to day marriage is happier than most but I still don't have a good relationship with my in laws due to religious/ cultural prejudices. I kinda wish I married someone from the same culture/religion. Would I have been able to have a normal happy marriage with someone else? Probably!

It's just weird to see my younger sis do the exact same thing. I thought she'd look at us and go wow I want a normal marriage but she's choosing the exact same path and will face the same difficulties. I don't get how me saying why are you doing this too? Is hypocritical.

I agree with the others that with this explanation, are a hypocrite if you tell her not to go ahead with the courtship/marriage. You haven't divorced your husband to seek out "a normal happy marriage with someone else," so clearly you think your marriage is worth it despite the family strife. You want her to give up the person she loves in order to not have family strife, something you're not willing to do yourself.

What I'm doing is an experiment. It's certainly not been done by anyone in either one of our families. I don't know if we'll work out for what will happen once the kids comes around. It's a risky endeavor and it has not been easy. Marriages where both families are happy are probably a lot easier than ours.

I also feel bad for my poor parents and how they'll feel knowing 2 of their kids did something they'd deem unimaginable. Not to mention how I'll be seen as responsible for setting up this "bad" example for my sister.

I feel like I made a bad decision and now her actions are continuing it.

Why would you marry as an experiment? Doesn't love and/or companionship have anything to do with it? I hope your DH doesn't know he is your guinea pig.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I love my DH and I am thankful for him every day. I do regret that we had a very difficult courtship with both sides of our family extremely displeased. We eloped! And told everyone afterward. Our parents were heart broken and it sucked. Our day to day marriage is happier than most but I still don't have a good relationship with my in laws due to religious/ cultural prejudices. I kinda wish I married someone from the same culture/religion. Would I have been able to have a normal happy marriage with someone else? Probably!

It's just weird to see my younger sis do the exact same thing. I thought she'd look at us and go wow I want a normal marriage but she's choosing the exact same path and will face the same difficulties. I don't get how me saying why are you doing this too? Is hypocritical.

I agree with the others that with this explanation, are a hypocrite if you tell her not to go ahead with the courtship/marriage. You haven't divorced your husband to seek out "a normal happy marriage with someone else," so clearly you think your marriage is worth it despite the family strife. You want her to give up the person she loves in order to not have family strife, something you're not willing to do yourself.

What I'm doing is an experiment. It's certainly not been done by anyone in either one of our families. I don't know if we'll work out for what will happen once the kids comes around. It's a risky endeavor and it has not been easy. Marriages where both families are happy are probably a lot easier than ours.

I also feel bad for my poor parents and how they'll feel knowing 2 of their kids did something they'd deem unimaginable. Not to mention how I'll be seen as responsible for setting up this "bad" example for my sister.

I feel like I made a bad decision and now her actions are continuing it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I love my DH and I am thankful for him every day. I do regret that we had a very difficult courtship with both sides of our family extremely displeased. We eloped! And told everyone afterward. Our parents were heart broken and it sucked. Our day to day marriage is happier than most but I still don't have a good relationship with my in laws due to religious/ cultural prejudices. I kinda wish I married someone from the same culture/religion. Would I have been able to have a normal happy marriage with someone else? Probably!

It's just weird to see my younger sis do the exact same thing. I thought she'd look at us and go wow I want a normal marriage but she's choosing the exact same path and will face the same difficulties. I don't get how me saying why are you doing this too? Is hypocritical.

?

A normal marriage? How do you define that?

But yes, if you married somebody with a different cultural/religion, and your family disapproved, and you're happy, and then you tell your sister that she should only marry somebody with the same culture/religion that your family approves of, then I understand why she called you a hypocrite.

How is that hypocritical?

I wanted to do X, and I did do X, and I'm happy, but you shouldn't do X.

It's too late now, but if OP had told her sister, "I just want to make sure that you know that it won't be easy if you marry Larlo -- you'll have to elope, and your in-laws will disapprove, and it will be tough. But if you're sure that you want to do it despite all of this, then I will support you." -- that wouldn't have been hypocritical.

You're hypocritical because you're saying you should be allowed to have happiness with the person you choose even if it made your parents unhappy. But she isn't.