Anonymous wrote:
Would it work to just invite the children who are the same sex as your child (for example, it's a "boys party" or a "girls party")? Would that exclude the bully?

Unfortunately not, the kids are the same gender.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is great to disinclude kids just because you need to limit the party to just a few good friends so that others don't feel excluded. That encourages clique behavior which can really be detrimental to the class social dynamics.

I don't think there is a good solution. You just have to pick the solution that has the least drawbacks for you: invite the bully/possible consequences if he comes, don't invite the bully/look like the bad guy, have bully get more upset with your child, etc.

I was in a similar situation in PK. There was one mean kid, who didn't specifically bully my kid but was generally unpleasant to everyone. My kid begged me not to invite him, but I decided to invite him and just make sure they were separated as much as possible. Well, that kid didn't even rsvp or bother to come.

So I'd probably invite the bully and write a polite but direct note on the invitation saying that you are aware of the conflict that your kids have and that if he is able to attend, you would like to brainstorm with the parents about ways to minimize party conflict.

Even without the note, I'm guessing the bully will not want to come to your child's party anyway. But that note will probably prevent the bully from coming unless he has really amazing parents who genuinely do want help make peace between the kids. And then I think good might come from that invitation. From what you said, that doesn't sound like the case at all. But think about it, what parent really wants to bother to buy a gift/drive their kid to a party when their kid and birthday boy hate each other. I think the chances that the bully will come is minimal.

Wow, that's one creative solution! I just imagined receiving such an 'invite': "Come celebrate with us, and, BTW, your kid's an asshole".

OP, I firmly stand in the no-bully crowd, however, I'd only invite 8-9 kids from the class and add more close friends from K, preK, etc.

Would it work to just invite the children who are the same sex as your child (for example, it's a "boys party" or a "girls party")? Would that exclude the bully?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's say you had a party planned for your child and intended to invite the entire class. Then one of your child's classmates started bullying him, to the point that the school has intervened. Do you still have to invite your child's bully to the party since you're inviting the rest of the class? Or do you get a pass on this rule?

I hate to completely change up a party my child has been looking forward to and make him invite only a small number of kids instead, but I can't imagine forcing him to have his bully present at the party given how much anxiety this kid causes him.

I would invite everyone except the bully. He'll learn very quickly that his behavior will get him ostracized.

Nothing like teaching a bully not to behave in nasty, exclusionary ways by excluding him, right pp?



Here's a tip: Model good behavior, for you own kid and for others.

Besides, I don't think you can actually call a 6 yo a "bully" anyway.

I would just not invite the bully. That's what happens when you're mean to other kids - nobody wants you at their birthday party.

I don't think it is great to disinclude kids just because you need to limit the party to just a few good friends so that others don't feel excluded. That encourages clique behavior which can really be detrimental to the class social dynamics.

I don't think there is a good solution. You just have to pick the solution that has the least drawbacks for you: invite the bully/possible consequences if he comes, don't invite the bully/look like the bad guy, have bully get more upset with your child, etc.

I was in a similar situation in PK. There was one mean kid, who didn't specifically bully my kid but was generally unpleasant to everyone. My kid begged me not to invite him, but I decided to invite him and just make sure they were separated as much as possible. Well, that kid didn't even rsvp or bother to come.

So I'd probably invite the bully and write a polite but direct note on the invitation saying that you are aware of the conflict that your kids have and that if he is able to attend, you would like to brainstorm with the parents about ways to minimize party conflict.

Even without the note, I'm guessing the bully will not want to come to your child's party anyway. But that note will probably prevent the bully from coming unless he has really amazing parents who genuinely do want help make peace between the kids. And then I think good might come from that invitation. From what you said, that doesn't sound like the case at all. But think about it, what parent really wants to bother to buy a gift/drive their kid to a party when their kid and birthday boy hate each other. I think the chances that the bully will come is minimal.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you mentioned that some of the taunting was around your child's religion. I think that content comes from his parents -- what 6 year old would think to tease someone about that? I would not feel comfortable inviting that child or his parents to a party.

Since there are 15 in the class - I would ask your kid who he plays with the most - and invite those kids only.

If we were further along in the school year, I would be fine having him narrow it down. But since it's almost entirely a new group for my son, the friendships are changing near-daily. Who he chooses now isn't necessarily who he would choose in three weeks. Part of the reason for inviting everyone was so that we could avoid upset later that so-and-so wasn't on the original guest list but now they're buddies, and can he invite that kid instead of the other kid he never plays with now that they're not sitting together anymore. It really was an effort at inclusion and avoiding drama.

OP, you mentioned that some of the taunting was around your child's religion. I think that content comes from his parents -- what 6 year old would think to tease someone about that? I would not feel comfortable inviting that child or his parents to a party.

Since there are 15 in the class - I would ask your kid who he plays with the most - and invite those kids only.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's say you had a party planned for your child and intended to invite the entire class. Then one of your child's classmates started bullying him, to the point that the school has intervened. Do you still have to invite your child's bully to the party since you're inviting the rest of the class? Or do you get a pass on this rule?

I hate to completely change up a party my child has been looking forward to and make him invite only a small number of kids instead, but I can't imagine forcing him to have his bully present at the party given how much anxiety this kid causes him.

I would invite everyone except the bully. He'll learn very quickly that his behavior will get him ostracized.

No. This is wrong and you should feel bad. They are SIX years old. You don't fix a bully by bullying them back. OP shouldn't have to invite the kid if they don't want, but inviting everyone BUT that kid is shitty.

Awesome. Mom is going to bully the bully. Way to lead by example Mom! Great parenting there.

The OP and the bolded quote.

Really? I'm not trying to bully anyone. My question wasn't an effort to punish the bully or make him feel bad, it's about trying to find a way for my child to enjoy the birthday party he's been excited about for a month without having to either slash half the guest list or include someone who will turn him into a puddle of anxiety.

Inviting the ENTIRE class less one child is mean. Period.

If I thought inviting the entire class except the bully was the obvious correct answer, I wouldn't have posted here, would I? Obviously I wasn't totally comfortable with that option, which is why I asked. Since I already responded that I think I'm going to invite the bully but ask his parents to stay, I'm not sure why you're assuming I'm planning to not invite the bully.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's say you had a party planned for your child and intended to invite the entire class. Then one of your child's classmates started bullying him, to the point that the school has intervened. Do you still have to invite your child's bully to the party since you're inviting the rest of the class? Or do you get a pass on this rule?

I hate to completely change up a party my child has been looking forward to and make him invite only a small number of kids instead, but I can't imagine forcing him to have his bully present at the party given how much anxiety this kid causes him.

I would invite everyone except the bully. He'll learn very quickly that his behavior will get him ostracized.

No. This is wrong and you should feel bad. They are SIX years old. You don't fix a bully by bullying them back. OP shouldn't have to invite the kid if they don't want, but inviting everyone BUT that kid is shitty.

Awesome. Mom is going to bully the bully. Way to lead by example Mom! Great parenting there.

The OP and the bolded quote.

Really? I'm not trying to bully anyone. My question wasn't an effort to punish the bully or make him feel bad, it's about trying to find a way for my child to enjoy the birthday party he's been excited about for a month without having to either slash half the guest list or include someone who will turn him into a puddle of anxiety.

Inviting the ENTIRE class less one child is mean. Period.

No bully at the party, period. Personally, I would have your DC invite only his good friends and limit things that way, which it sounds like you did. Good call.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's say you had a party planned for your child and intended to invite the entire class. Then one of your child's classmates started bullying him, to the point that the school has intervened. Do you still have to invite your child's bully to the party since you're inviting the rest of the class? Or do you get a pass on this rule?

I hate to completely change up a party my child has been looking forward to and make him invite only a small number of kids instead, but I can't imagine forcing him to have his bully present at the party given how much anxiety this kid causes him.

I would invite everyone except the bully. He'll learn very quickly that his behavior will get him ostracized.

No. This is wrong and you should feel bad. They are SIX years old. You don't fix a bully by bullying them back. OP shouldn't have to invite the kid if they don't want, but inviting everyone BUT that kid is shitty.

Awesome. Mom is going to bully the bully. Way to lead by example Mom! Great parenting there.

The OP and the bolded quote.

Really? I'm not trying to bully anyone. My question wasn't an effort to punish the bully or make him feel bad, it's about trying to find a way for my child to enjoy the birthday party he's been excited about for a month without having to either slash half the guest list or include someone who will turn him into a puddle of anxiety.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's say you had a party planned for your child and intended to invite the entire class. Then one of your child's classmates started bullying him, to the point that the school has intervened. Do you still have to invite your child's bully to the party since you're inviting the rest of the class? Or do you get a pass on this rule?

I hate to completely change up a party my child has been looking forward to and make him invite only a small number of kids instead, but I can't imagine forcing him to have his bully present at the party given how much anxiety this kid causes him.

I would invite everyone except the bully. He'll learn very quickly that his behavior will get him ostracized.

No. This is wrong and you should feel bad. They are SIX years old. You don't fix a bully by bullying them back. OP shouldn't have to invite the kid if they don't want, but inviting everyone BUT that kid is shitty.

Awesome. Mom is going to bully the bully. Way to lead by example Mom! Great parenting there.

The OP and the bolded quote.

This is a tough call.

I would invite the bully and be sure and have help at the party. I don't think I would invite the parents unless you are including other parents. The parents may be part of the problem.

It is tough to be the only one not invited--and, if the bully hears about the party--and knows he was excluded, I think it could work against the situation rather than for it. I'm not just trying to be kind to the bully--I think it could encourage him to treat your son worse than he already has.

If you are looking to change the situation for your son by having a big party, it may not work.

For those who suggest asking other families, that might work, but it might disappoint you. People who have older kids have busy weekends with sports, activities, etc. A six year old party is not the same as having a party for a young preschooler. I remember this kind of invitation when my child was young--but I had an older child who was busy with a recital rehearsal or something and it really put us on the spot. My husband went with my son and I don't think the mom was at all pleased that I did not come. (I had told her ahead of time that I would not be there.) As long as your expectations are not too great, it's fine--but you need to decide if it will work to have some with and some without ahead of time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say"bully" what has he actually done and what has the school done to help?

Repeated taunting of my child for various things from how he holds a pencil to his religion, and trying to rally the other boys in the class against my child at recess. Since it's largely happening at times that are lower supervision (recess and while they're lined up in the hallways before school starts), the school has placed additional supervision at this places to keep at eye on it, and has had my child meet with the school counselor a few times to talk about how to deal with bullying. I don't know what they've done with respect to the other child, I'm not privvy to that information.

My child was in a similar situation. We invited the kid and I kept a close eye on him. Parents didn't stay...I didn't trust the parents to keep him from acting like a jerk anyway. I made sure he sat far away from my kid and didn't interact with him during the party.