I get it OP and have been there with my 11 yr old.
I stopped encouraging new things, made her pick something she had already done and she spent the last year focusing solely on that. Practicing, lessons, YouTube videos, over enthusiasm from us, even a couple of private coaching sessions, the whole nine yards. The result was a 3rd place bronze medal at a local skating competition in the very lowest category this past summer. She was thrilled. But it's not a passion and she isn't interested in continuing. I was still worth it though as she came to understand that sometimes sure the kids who win the awards just win but there are so many kids like her who had to put in tons of practice.

My 10 yr old DS told me the other day he wishes he was known for something (positive). I told him then he had to work at it, practice, etc... Nope, doesn't want to put in the effort. Just wants it to happen by osmosis.

If you want him to have the feeling of winning a medal, sign him up for a 5k. Run it with him. Do one every weekend. The money goes to charity, and the people are really nice and supportive, no matter how fast you run, and you can buy him one of those racks to display his medals on. The only person you compete with in a 5k is yourself -- try to run it faster than you did last time. Lots of kids in those events who aren't team sports people. We're not "ball sports" people in my family because we have no hand-eye coordination, but we love 5ks. Especially in the fall. Lots of fresh air.

I'll give the perspective of a parent of an unathletic 11yo boy. He hates competition but has plenty of things that he enjoys doing and we think he's pretty awesome just the way he is.

OP, are you are sure that your child really cares about being "the best" at any of the things he does? Are you sure that it's not you who really cares? I get it - I would have loved it had my son turned out to be the student government president and the star soccer player. But that's not who he is.

Instead he is a kid who is passionately interested about science and greek gods and legos and unfortunately now also Lego Batman on Wii. He has good friends and loves to read and has a wonderful kind heart. He doesn't need to win a medal to be happy, and we don't need him to do that either.

OP, are you really great at one particular thing? Is your DW? Are you guys star athletes, or elected officials? Are you the best person anywhere in your field? If not, why would you put higher expectations on your kid than you have for yourself? I'm good at my job, but there are others who are even better. This weekend, my kid went to soccer, where he is a mediocre player, and did his pre-swim team clinic, where he is one of the weaker swimmers. I'm super proud of him for getting out there and having a great attitude about both of them.

I emphasize to my child (who has not found his passion and is a similar age to your child) that childhood is for experimentation. He should try everything. He shouldn't feel like he needs to stop doing something he enjoys because he's not the best, nor should he feel like he has to continue doing something he doesn't enjoy because he is the best.

He also understands that his friends who are better than him at things aren't the best - there are people who are better than them at their thing. I also point out when there are things he could to improve his chances. His friend who is an excellent soccer player practices for an hour a day. He doesn't. He might not be as good as his friend even if he didn't practice for an hour a day, but without tremendous native talent it's unreasonable for him to think he should be as good as someone who practices.

If your son is putting in decent effort and not seeing success at all, perhaps steer him towards things he might be more talented in. If ball sports aren't his thing, try swim or gymnastics. If robotics or chess club hasn't caught his fancy, maybe cooking or hiking.

Maybe he could set his mind to being the nicest kid. You really can't control if you're the smartest, best looking, or excellent at a sport or music (though practice helps) but you can always be kind.

A kid like that--who gets good grades, who does decently well in hobbies, and who is abundantly kind--will go places.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. We tried Karate/Tae Kwon Do and Scouts, but they didn't take. DS does enjoy music, but in 6th grade the whole idea that school band can be his "group/clique" hasn't sunk in yet, although we have encouraged it. He just doesn't have that one "thing" that is his and that he knows he's good at. IMO, it's not enough that we encourage him to try new things and tell him not to worry about what his friends are doing. He's smart enough to look around and see that his peers have something that they excel at and are known to be good at and he doesn't have that yet. This is about making sure your child feels good about himself and builds self-esteem and confidence. I think it's more difficult when your kid doesn't have that something.

Most kids don't excel at anything.

He should enjoy doing things--not winning competitions. It sounds like you have pressured him into equating winning with success and/or happiness.

I have a 10 yr old son who doesn't understand why he never wins in his individual sport. I had him ask a few kids who have beaten him how often they practice. He understood after every single kid told him that they practiced significantly more than he did. End of discussion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Methinks the OP unconsciously imprinted all her ambitions onto her kid and now they are both disappointed that he isn't up to the challenge.

Oh, stuff it. "Methinks"!

"Methinks" should be banned from this board. It is so passive and ridiculous and not at all cute.

Except that it is a real word, and not a swear word, which means anyone has the right to use it!
If you post just to discriminate against other people's word choices, then you should probably find something better to do.

Methinks you are the methinkser.

I am, and not ashamed of it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Methinks the OP unconsciously imprinted all her ambitions onto her kid and now they are both disappointed that he isn't up to the challenge.

Oh, stuff it. "Methinks"!

"Methinks" should be banned from this board. It is so passive and ridiculous and not at all cute.

Except that it is a real word, and not a swear word, which means anyone has the right to use it!
If you post just to discriminate against other people's word choices, then you should probably find something better to do.

Methinks you are the methinkser.

If he has friends and is involved in some activities and doing decently at school, he is successful. What else do you and he want?

Anonymous wrote:I know kids shouldn't win at everything and that winning isn't even the point, but damn I just wish that one time my 11 year old DS would have the feeling of success that comes with making a sports team, school leadership position, etc. He's not athletic, but is a decent student who enjoys playing instruments, competing in lego competitions. He desperately wants to find his place and in 11 years has never ended up on top. He keeps putting himself out there (and we make sure that his goals aren't unrealistic) and comes up empty, then feels worse about himself and inevitably behaves terribly for a bit because he doesn't know how to express his emotions. DW and I always tell him how proud we are that he tries, but just once I wish it would pay off for him. Not really seeking any advice, but just crossing my fingers that at some point he will see the fruits of his labor.

Dude, he is 11. Sounds like you are trying way too hard which in turn is stressing him out and making him feel like a failure. Why must he be in anything competitive right now? Strange

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Methinks the OP unconsciously imprinted all her ambitions onto her kid and now they are both disappointed that he isn't up to the challenge.

Oh, stuff it. "Methinks"!

"Methinks" should be banned from this board. It is so passive and ridiculous and not at all cute.

Except that it is a real word, and not a swear word, which means anyone has the right to use it!
If you post just to discriminate against other people's word choices, then you should probably find something better to do.

Anonymous wrote:I was this kid, and to this day, I've been made to feel like crap because of it. I still remember my mom telling me that "not everyone is good at something."

I know the current thing is to not praise your child unless they "deserve" it, but keep up with how you're handling it.

That.

Children need to have positive reinforcement from parents and feel loved and that someone has their back just because they're the children to those parents.