Anonymous
Post 09/15/2015 12:31     Subject: Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you guys don't compromise bye-bye to this marriage. Have to ask yourself doesn't being left alone is more important to you than your SO.


On the opposite side, is treating your wife as though she is a failure because she doesn't get off as often as you do more important to you than your marriage?


Where's that in this situation? Maybe I missed it


He would rather masturbate than have sex with his wife. How do you think that makes his wife feel?


That's no really fair. It's bad sex and halfhearted.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2015 12:30     Subject: Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners
"I am hoping to get some advice from people in the lower libido category. How can I express to my DW that I don't want to have sex with her without making her feel like she is a bad wife? That I understand she is who she is and it is preferable to masturbate than have sex with her (even typing that sounds cold)."

Cold question, OP. Do you believe this or are you just telling yourself this? It's a sincere question and I wonder if you really know the answer. I'm not trying to fuck with you, but the answers will point you in different directions, IMO.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2015 12:25     Subject: Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and the lower libido spouse in my relationship. I do think your wife should be making more of an effort - just lying there during sex is not cool. I found that once my husband and I got into a groove of more sex (twice a week), that I started wanting it more. It's getting over the initial hurdle that's tough. What worked for us was my husband offering lots of physical affection but upfront saying that he wasn't looking for sex. That took the pressure off and let me relax, which ultimately led me to want to have sex. But you have to be completely genuine that you're not looking for sex at that moment. Here's what worked for us:

- DH giving full body massage. I had to get naked but he didn't want sex. Just wanted to give me a good massage and get to touch my body. Win-win. Most times, after being touched while naked and completely relaxed, I was begging him for sex.

- DH saying he just wanted to make out a bit. It was fun to feel like teenagers just kissing. But of course, that does awaken things.

The key is to truly convince her that you're not just trying to get sex though. Hope this helps!


This is excellent advice.


Another low libido partner here and I want to +100 the above as well. For me, part of the problem is a lack of overall physical intimacy and affection, so anytime my partner touches me it's because he wants to have sex. There's no more playful kissing or hugging or making out, etc. I'm supposed to just be "on" like he is. The foreplay before actual sex is fine but for me, that foreplay needs to be scattered throughout our lives in a way, if that makes sense.

Good luck, hope you guys figure it out.


OP here - what is the best way to communicate that I am ok with physical intimacy and affection that doesn't lead to sex? I really am ok with it. I am not sure she would believe me. And if I give her a massage or a foot rub and she offers me something in return, I should decline?

I swear I am not this clueless in the seduction department. This stuff came much easier to me when I was single and dating, but then again, so did the ripping each other's clothes off post-date which is sadly gone from my life likely forever.


One idea. Other posters, if you don't like it, please suggest others.

Don't decline decline. Explain that you're not wanting sex that like her, "it makes you feel good about the fact you are able to give pleasure to her" in a non-sexual way because you want to show you love her, not just profess your love. Maybe explain that you think it's your fault that she's feeling so much pressure and that you want her to feel relaxed and loved and not pathetic and asexual. Obviously, I'm like you and prefer blunt communication, so maybe others can help with the finesse/subtlety.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2015 12:22     Subject: Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you guys don't compromise bye-bye to this marriage. Have to ask yourself doesn't being left alone is more important to you than your SO.


On the opposite side, is treating your wife as though she is a failure because she doesn't get off as often as you do more important to you than your marriage?


Where's that in this situation? Maybe I missed it


He would rather masturbate than have sex with his wife. How do you think that makes his wife feel?
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2015 12:20     Subject: Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you guys don't compromise bye-bye to this marriage. Have to ask yourself doesn't being left alone is more important to you than your SO.


On the opposite side, is treating your wife as though she is a failure because she doesn't get off as often as you do more important to you than your marriage?


Where's that in this situation? Maybe I missed it
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2015 12:19     Subject: Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners
Anonymous wrote:If you guys don't compromise bye-bye to this marriage. Have to ask yourself doesn't being left alone is more important to you than your SO.


That's quite pessimistic. It sounds like they might need a 3rd party to translate or advocate for the union.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2015 12:18     Subject: Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners
Anonymous wrote:If you guys don't compromise bye-bye to this marriage. Have to ask yourself doesn't being left alone is more important to you than your SO.


On the opposite side, is treating your wife as though she is a failure because she doesn't get off as often as you do more important to you than your marriage?
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2015 12:17     Subject: Re:Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners
Anonymous wrote:I used to be very low libido. Very. Something has changed in me in the past year and now I am in the mood several times a week and we are having sex around 4 times a week. The difference for me is a desire to connect with my spouse that was lacking before because we were not connecting. Oddly, I previously never thought about sex or masturbated, I just had no drive. Unfortunately, my husband and I are going through a very rough time right now for a whole host of reasons, which makes me sad, but the sex is still there kind of as a way to connect.

One thing that I found out after I got my drive back is that there are actually seminars for women with low drives. Had I known that, I might have investigated it because I did not like that I had no drive. I don't really know how to gently suggest such a thing to her, unfortunately, but here's an example: http://gpatherapy.com/clients.php#sextherapy (disclaimer - I have not done this one and have no clue if it is good, but it seems like a good idea). Maybe others in this thread have thoughts on whether such a seminar is a good idea and how to bring it up without crushing your wife.


Low libido dw. How did you get your mojo back? Magic? Introspection? Please, any hints are helpful.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2015 12:16     Subject: Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners
If you guys don't compromise bye-bye to this marriage. Have to ask yourself doesn't being left alone is more important to you than your SO.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2015 12:14     Subject: Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't know so excuse me if this seems to be a dumb question. If you have low libido are not able to perform other sexual task besides intercourse.


No and I'm working on increasing that too. But, DH knows that I don't get off on performing those tasks so it is something he "puts up with." Kind of cuts into the motivation level.


I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you are trying to say. Did you mean BJ and HJ are acts YOU "put up with"?

Btw, would you want DH to perform oral sex on you on a night when he doesn't expect sex?


I mean he doesn't like the way I perform those acts because he knows I don't get off on performing them. He "puts up with" my less than completely enthusiastic performance, I suppose.

Oral sex will always lead to sex for me...but, honestly, there are some days I just want to be left alone.


Not the OP, but trying to understand.

Say OP wants sex twice a day. Wife wants sex once a month. How far in the middle are you or any other LL spouse willing to go?

I get that you wouldn't want to schedule sex b/c you can't predict when you'll have one of those days when you want to be left alone. Could you guys develop a vocabulary on where you're at? A way of taking a temperature.

You:
1. not in the mood. don't you fucking dare touch me
3. I'd love an asexual footrub
5. I'd totally jack you off
6. Please let's have a quickie, I'll try to not look like a dead fish and I can look a little sexy so it doesn't feel like you're ***ing me (not trying to trigger anyone. I'm a DW)
8. Let's have sex and maybe it'll be okay to good.
10. I'm ready to rock it and this'll be once a month amazing sex

Him:
1. I'm totally fine. I can masturbate in private and you won't even know
3. Would you like an asexual footrub? Then, I'll go masturbate privately and you won't know.
5. I'd really appreciate it if you could at least jack me off or watch me while I jack off or show me a boob or grab my cock and say go fuck yourself in a playful, sexy way
6. I'll initiate a quickie and accept how it goes. If you initiate a quickie, I'll be game and I'll try to accept the dead fish posture and lack of smile
8. Let's have the once a week or so sex and maybe it'll be good, but my expectations are realistic and I won't push for mutual pleasure.
10. I might fuck the barista in my office building b/c I'm so profoundly unhappy and want to fuck anyone other than your complacent ass


OP here - I like the list, but then again, upstream someone (rightfully) called me out as being childish and passive aggressive for announcing I was going to masturbate in the next room. I have a very direct-problem solving style of communication that obviously doesn't translate well into nuances of solving sexual problems, so I am not sure this would work.


Go to a marriage counselor for triage. Show him/her the list and say based on who my wife is, how can I communicate this to her and vice versa?
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2015 12:14     Subject: Re:Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I used to be very low libido. Very. Something has changed in me in the past year and now I am in the mood several times a week and we are having sex around 4 times a week. The difference for me is a desire to connect with my spouse that was lacking before because we were not connecting. Oddly, I previously never thought about sex or masturbated, I just had no drive. Unfortunately, my husband and I are going through a very rough time right now for a whole host of reasons, which makes me sad, but the sex is still there kind of as a way to connect.

One thing that I found out after I got my drive back is that there are actually seminars for women with low drives. Had I known that, I might have investigated it because I did not like that I had no drive. I don't really know how to gently suggest such a thing to her, unfortunately, but here's an example: http://gpatherapy.com/clients.php#sextherapy (disclaimer - I have not done this one and have no clue if it is good, but it seems like a good idea). Maybe others in this thread have thoughts on whether such a seminar is a good idea and how to bring it up without crushing your wife.


I'm one of the LL women from this thread and I'm curious, how old were you when the switch flipped? I keep hoping that some sort of hormonal change will wash over me as I move through my 40s and I'll become one of those women who never knew how great sex could be.


I was 39 when the switch flipped. It was very strange to me, honestly. Now I actually think about how I want to have sex with my husband when he comes home, which is completely opposite of how I used to be, which was more like I had to be physically stimulated to want to do it, and even then it seemed more like a chore. I really don't know why the switch flipped, I wish I did because I worry it will go away.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2015 12:08     Subject: Re:Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners
Anonymous wrote:I used to be very low libido. Very. Something has changed in me in the past year and now I am in the mood several times a week and we are having sex around 4 times a week. The difference for me is a desire to connect with my spouse that was lacking before because we were not connecting. Oddly, I previously never thought about sex or masturbated, I just had no drive. Unfortunately, my husband and I are going through a very rough time right now for a whole host of reasons, which makes me sad, but the sex is still there kind of as a way to connect.

One thing that I found out after I got my drive back is that there are actually seminars for women with low drives. Had I known that, I might have investigated it because I did not like that I had no drive. I don't really know how to gently suggest such a thing to her, unfortunately, but here's an example: http://gpatherapy.com/clients.php#sextherapy (disclaimer - I have not done this one and have no clue if it is good, but it seems like a good idea). Maybe others in this thread have thoughts on whether such a seminar is a good idea and how to bring it up without crushing your wife.


I'm one of the LL women from this thread and I'm curious, how old were you when the switch flipped? I keep hoping that some sort of hormonal change will wash over me as I move through my 40s and I'll become one of those women who never knew how great sex could be.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2015 12:06     Subject: Re:Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners
I used to be very low libido. Very. Something has changed in me in the past year and now I am in the mood several times a week and we are having sex around 4 times a week. The difference for me is a desire to connect with my spouse that was lacking before because we were not connecting. Oddly, I previously never thought about sex or masturbated, I just had no drive. Unfortunately, my husband and I are going through a very rough time right now for a whole host of reasons, which makes me sad, but the sex is still there kind of as a way to connect.

One thing that I found out after I got my drive back is that there are actually seminars for women with low drives. Had I known that, I might have investigated it because I did not like that I had no drive. I don't really know how to gently suggest such a thing to her, unfortunately, but here's an example: http://gpatherapy.com/clients.php#sextherapy (disclaimer - I have not done this one and have no clue if it is good, but it seems like a good idea). Maybe others in this thread have thoughts on whether such a seminar is a good idea and how to bring it up without crushing your wife.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2015 12:01     Subject: Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and the lower libido spouse in my relationship. I do think your wife should be making more of an effort - just lying there during sex is not cool. I found that once my husband and I got into a groove of more sex (twice a week), that I started wanting it more. It's getting over the initial hurdle that's tough. What worked for us was my husband offering lots of physical affection but upfront saying that he wasn't looking for sex. That took the pressure off and let me relax, which ultimately led me to want to have sex. But you have to be completely genuine that you're not looking for sex at that moment. Here's what worked for us:

- DH giving full body massage. I had to get naked but he didn't want sex. Just wanted to give me a good massage and get to touch my body. Win-win. Most times, after being touched while naked and completely relaxed, I was begging him for sex.

- DH saying he just wanted to make out a bit. It was fun to feel like teenagers just kissing. But of course, that does awaken things.

The key is to truly convince her that you're not just trying to get sex though. Hope this helps!


This is excellent advice.


Another low libido partner here and I want to +100 the above as well. For me, part of the problem is a lack of overall physical intimacy and affection, so anytime my partner touches me it's because he wants to have sex. There's no more playful kissing or hugging or making out, etc. I'm supposed to just be "on" like he is. The foreplay before actual sex is fine but for me, that foreplay needs to be scattered throughout our lives in a way, if that makes sense.

Good luck, hope you guys figure it out.


OP here - what is the best way to communicate that I am ok with physical intimacy and affection that doesn't lead to sex? I really am ok with it. I am not sure she would believe me. And if I give her a massage or a foot rub and she offers me something in return, I should decline?

I swear I am not this clueless in the seduction department. This stuff came much easier to me when I was single and dating, but then again, so did the ripping each other's clothes off post-date which is sadly gone from my life likely forever.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2015 11:57     Subject: Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't know so excuse me if this seems to be a dumb question. If you have low libido are not able to perform other sexual task besides intercourse.


No and I'm working on increasing that too. But, DH knows that I don't get off on performing those tasks so it is something he "puts up with." Kind of cuts into the motivation level.


I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you are trying to say. Did you mean BJ and HJ are acts YOU "put up with"?

Btw, would you want DH to perform oral sex on you on a night when he doesn't expect sex?


I mean he doesn't like the way I perform those acts because he knows I don't get off on performing them. He "puts up with" my less than completely enthusiastic performance, I suppose.

Oral sex will always lead to sex for me...but, honestly, there are some days I just want to be left alone.


Not the OP, but trying to understand.

Say OP wants sex twice a day. Wife wants sex once a month. How far in the middle are you or any other LL spouse willing to go?

I get that you wouldn't want to schedule sex b/c you can't predict when you'll have one of those days when you want to be left alone. Could you guys develop a vocabulary on where you're at? A way of taking a temperature.

You:
1. not in the mood. don't you fucking dare touch me
3. I'd love an asexual footrub
5. I'd totally jack you off
6. Please let's have a quickie, I'll try to not look like a dead fish and I can look a little sexy so it doesn't feel like you're ***ing me (not trying to trigger anyone. I'm a DW)
8. Let's have sex and maybe it'll be okay to good.
10. I'm ready to rock it and this'll be once a month amazing sex

Him:
1. I'm totally fine. I can masturbate in private and you won't even know
3. Would you like an asexual footrub? Then, I'll go masturbate privately and you won't know.
5. I'd really appreciate it if you could at least jack me off or watch me while I jack off or show me a boob or grab my cock and say go fuck yourself in a playful, sexy way
6. I'll initiate a quickie and accept how it goes. If you initiate a quickie, I'll be game and I'll try to accept the dead fish posture and lack of smile
8. Let's have the once a week or so sex and maybe it'll be good, but my expectations are realistic and I won't push for mutual pleasure.
10. I might fuck the barista in my office building b/c I'm so profoundly unhappy and want to fuck anyone other than your complacent ass


OP here - I like the list, but then again, upstream someone (rightfully) called me out as being childish and passive aggressive for announcing I was going to masturbate in the next room. I have a very direct-problem solving style of communication that obviously doesn't translate well into nuances of solving sexual problems, so I am not sure this would work.