Anonymous
08/28/2015 14:03
Subject: Re:How not to be an angry person
My first thought when I read your post, OP, is that perhaps you are angry because you haven't set boundaries with people. Perhaps you feel beholden to them like you have to take care of them but no one hears your needs or takes care of you. That can make a person feel very vulnerable, victimized, and thus angry. I think it's a good idea to do serious talk therapy. It wasn't clear from your post whether you had done that. You mention psychiatrists but a lot of psychiatrists focus on medication, not talk therapy.Anonymous wrote:This may or may not be true for you, but you are exhibiting a lot of the standard symptoms of burnout. I've seen it most often as caretaker burnout like the family member that needs to help/care for an ill or aging family member, but it affects everyone. You seem to be overwhelmed by the burdens of your family, not getting enough support and most definitely by not having enough "me" time.
Some solutions are to outsource some of the work. If you are SAH then get either a mother's helper to help you with tasks around the house or get a housecleaning service that can help with housework. Set up at least one night that you have off to go out and do something solely for yourself and that your partner is required to be home before dinner. He takes care of dinner for himself and the kids and you have "Mama's night off". Alternatively, if it would make you feel better, get a sitter and have a date night. These two ideas (night off vs date night) work better or worse for different individuals. You can also mix and match. Your GP is right, you need rest and sleep. Different people find different things to be reenergizing. You need to find what those things are for you, and make time for them or you will continue to experience the burnout from the demands of your family. If your partner is not willing or able to take up the slack, then outsource them. If he complains, tell him he either needs to step up to the plate and help out, let you pay to outsource or let him figure out an alternate solution that still gives you the time to do what you need to restore your personal balance. It's a zero sum game. The more of you that you give to your family, the less that you have to take care of yourself. If you collapse from exhaustion, it will only be that much worse for your family, so make the time to take care of yourself.
When my twins were just over a year old, I pushed myself and pushed myself ignoring the twinges and pains and ended up overstraining my back. I was out of commission for 3 days when I could barely move. I was on pain killers and muscle relaxants and had to take 3 days of leave from work, plus could barely do anything at home. We realized then, that we had to make some changes to the household distribution of work to ensure that I didn't overdo it again. The changes in our family have been healthy for all of us in the long run. Hopefully it doesn't take anything as extreme as that for your family to wake up.
You may want to focus on how you can take care of your own needs, especially when you feel like you should ignore them to take care of other people. This pp has some great suggestions.
Anonymous
08/28/2015 12:42
Subject: How not to be an angry person
OP, I know a lot of people who have been helped with anger issues in 12 Step Recovery. It probably sounds crazy to you, but they really teach you how to live a happier and more serene life.
Since you are not an addict yourself, you could attend some ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings to see if you recognize any patterns in your behavior or your childhood. Even if you parents weren't addicts, there are probably aspects of a dysfunctional childhood in your life that could be contributing to your anger issues.
I swear those 12 Steps are the guide to a better life.
Wishing you peace and happiness -- whatever way you find it!
Since you are not an addict yourself, you could attend some ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings to see if you recognize any patterns in your behavior or your childhood. Even if you parents weren't addicts, there are probably aspects of a dysfunctional childhood in your life that could be contributing to your anger issues.
I swear those 12 Steps are the guide to a better life.
Wishing you peace and happiness -- whatever way you find it!
Anonymous
08/28/2015 12:36
Subject: Re:How not to be an angry person
Anonymous wrote:This may or may not be true for you, but you are exhibiting a lot of the standard symptoms of burnout. I've seen it most often as caretaker burnout like the family member that needs to help/care for an ill or aging family member, but it affects everyone. You seem to be overwhelmed by the burdens of your family, not getting enough support and most definitely by not having enough "me" time.
Some solutions are to outsource some of the work. If you are SAH then get either a mother's helper to help you with tasks around the house or get a housecleaning service that can help with housework. Set up at least one night that you have off to go out and do something solely for yourself and that your partner is required to be home before dinner. He takes care of dinner for himself and the kids and you have "Mama's night off". Alternatively, if it would make you feel better, get a sitter and have a date night. These two ideas (night off vs date night) work better or worse for different individuals. You can also mix and match. Your GP is right, you need rest and sleep. Different people find different things to be reenergizing. You need to find what those things are for you, and make time for them or you will continue to experience the burnout from the demands of your family. If your partner is not willing or able to take up the slack, then outsource them. If he complains, tell him he either needs to step up to the plate and help out, let you pay to outsource or let him figure out an alternate solution that still gives you the time to do what you need to restore your personal balance. It's a zero sum game. The more of you that you give to your family, the less that you have to take care of yourself. If you collapse from exhaustion, it will only be that much worse for your family, so make the time to take care of yourself.
When my twins were just over a year old, I pushed myself and pushed myself ignoring the twinges and pains and ended up overstraining my back. I was out of commission for 3 days when I could barely move. I was on pain killers and muscle relaxants and had to take 3 days of leave from work, plus could barely do anything at home. We realized then, that we had to make some changes to the household distribution of work to ensure that I didn't overdo it again. The changes in our family have been healthy for all of us in the long run. Hopefully it doesn't take anything as extreme as that for your family to wake up.
This! OP, I don't disagree with the other posters who have suggested cognitive behavioral therapy to help you respond to stress in a better way. Therapy is awesome and it helps. HOWEVER, therapy won't take away the situational things that are causing you stress. You're in an unequal marriage and you're shouldering the burden of your family's physical and emotional upkeep. Your feelings are legitimate, even if the way you express them is not healthy.
Yes, you can learn how not to yell at your husband and kids and how to find that inner zen place when you are being treated unfairly. But he doesn't get a free pass to keep doing (or not doing) the same old stuff. Just to clarify, I'm not suggesting that this should be a tit-for-tat - "I'll agree to get less angry if you agree to do more dishes." You need to work on your behaviors whether he helps or not, and he needs to take on more responsibility, whether you are yelling or not. Two things that need to be broken apart and dealt with separately. But both need to happen in order for you to feel better inside.
Anonymous
08/27/2015 14:46
Subject: How not to be an angry person
I used to be just like you OP.
My anger issues affected many important issues in my life & it was a dark...err...or rather red cloud that followed me everywhere.
What helped me out is anti-depression medication. I now can take things in stride & deal w/my stress much more rationally. I wish I could have been on my meds many times in the past when I used to let my anger take control of my life.
Now you may be asking yourself, "What does depression have to do w/anger...??"
A LOT actually. Depression actually manifest itself into anger and from what you described to us in your posting sounds like a clear case of undiagnosed depression.
At least consult a good Dr. to see if I am correct.
Good luck.
My anger issues affected many important issues in my life & it was a dark...err...or rather red cloud that followed me everywhere.
What helped me out is anti-depression medication. I now can take things in stride & deal w/my stress much more rationally. I wish I could have been on my meds many times in the past when I used to let my anger take control of my life.
Now you may be asking yourself, "What does depression have to do w/anger...??"
A LOT actually. Depression actually manifest itself into anger and from what you described to us in your posting sounds like a clear case of undiagnosed depression.
At least consult a good Dr. to see if I am correct.
Good luck.
Anonymous
08/27/2015 13:13
Subject: How not to be an angry person
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Cut out caffeine for a week and take Benadryl before going to bed for a week. That reduces my anger dramatically.
How does caffeine play into this? My partner drinks a lot of caffeine and is also aildly angry/negative person. Could there be a link???
The stimulant in caffeine masks the body's natural reactions. Most people who overdo caffeine do not realize how tired they are or how much rest their bodies really need. Going off caffeine for a week will get it out of your system and you'll see how well rested your body really is. If you still feel the same, no problem, go back to the caffeine, but most people find that they are shortchanging their body recovery time by overusing caffeine and that causes many small reactions, like being short-tempered or angry from lesser provocations.
Anonymous
08/27/2015 13:02
Subject: How not to be an angry person
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Cut out caffeine for a week and take Benadryl before going to bed for a week. That reduces my anger dramatically.
How does caffeine play into this? My partner drinks a lot of caffeine and is also aildly angry/negative person. Could there be a link???
Maybe your partner is drinking a lot caffeine because they are tired. Being tired and mentally exhausted is a top reason for having a short temper.
No, it has become an addiction that has grown into a large caffeine intake.
Anonymous
08/27/2015 12:55
Subject: How not to be an angry person
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Cut out caffeine for a week and take Benadryl before going to bed for a week. That reduces my anger dramatically.
How does caffeine play into this? My partner drinks a lot of caffeine and is also aildly angry/negative person. Could there be a link???
Maybe your partner is drinking a lot caffeine because they are tired. Being tired and mentally exhausted is a top reason for having a short temper.
Anonymous
08/27/2015 12:53
Subject: How not to be an angry person
Anonymous wrote:Cut out caffeine for a week and take Benadryl before going to bed for a week. That reduces my anger dramatically.
How does caffeine play into this? My partner drinks a lot of caffeine and is also aildly angry/negative person. Could there be a link???
Anonymous
08/27/2015 12:47
Subject: Re:How not to be an angry person
This may or may not be true for you, but you are exhibiting a lot of the standard symptoms of burnout. I've seen it most often as caretaker burnout like the family member that needs to help/care for an ill or aging family member, but it affects everyone. You seem to be overwhelmed by the burdens of your family, not getting enough support and most definitely by not having enough "me" time.
Some solutions are to outsource some of the work. If you are SAH then get either a mother's helper to help you with tasks around the house or get a housecleaning service that can help with housework. Set up at least one night that you have off to go out and do something solely for yourself and that your partner is required to be home before dinner. He takes care of dinner for himself and the kids and you have "Mama's night off". Alternatively, if it would make you feel better, get a sitter and have a date night. These two ideas (night off vs date night) work better or worse for different individuals. You can also mix and match. Your GP is right, you need rest and sleep. Different people find different things to be reenergizing. You need to find what those things are for you, and make time for them or you will continue to experience the burnout from the demands of your family. If your partner is not willing or able to take up the slack, then outsource them. If he complains, tell him he either needs to step up to the plate and help out, let you pay to outsource or let him figure out an alternate solution that still gives you the time to do what you need to restore your personal balance. It's a zero sum game. The more of you that you give to your family, the less that you have to take care of yourself. If you collapse from exhaustion, it will only be that much worse for your family, so make the time to take care of yourself.
When my twins were just over a year old, I pushed myself and pushed myself ignoring the twinges and pains and ended up overstraining my back. I was out of commission for 3 days when I could barely move. I was on pain killers and muscle relaxants and had to take 3 days of leave from work, plus could barely do anything at home. We realized then, that we had to make some changes to the household distribution of work to ensure that I didn't overdo it again. The changes in our family have been healthy for all of us in the long run. Hopefully it doesn't take anything as extreme as that for your family to wake up.
Some solutions are to outsource some of the work. If you are SAH then get either a mother's helper to help you with tasks around the house or get a housecleaning service that can help with housework. Set up at least one night that you have off to go out and do something solely for yourself and that your partner is required to be home before dinner. He takes care of dinner for himself and the kids and you have "Mama's night off". Alternatively, if it would make you feel better, get a sitter and have a date night. These two ideas (night off vs date night) work better or worse for different individuals. You can also mix and match. Your GP is right, you need rest and sleep. Different people find different things to be reenergizing. You need to find what those things are for you, and make time for them or you will continue to experience the burnout from the demands of your family. If your partner is not willing or able to take up the slack, then outsource them. If he complains, tell him he either needs to step up to the plate and help out, let you pay to outsource or let him figure out an alternate solution that still gives you the time to do what you need to restore your personal balance. It's a zero sum game. The more of you that you give to your family, the less that you have to take care of yourself. If you collapse from exhaustion, it will only be that much worse for your family, so make the time to take care of yourself.
When my twins were just over a year old, I pushed myself and pushed myself ignoring the twinges and pains and ended up overstraining my back. I was out of commission for 3 days when I could barely move. I was on pain killers and muscle relaxants and had to take 3 days of leave from work, plus could barely do anything at home. We realized then, that we had to make some changes to the household distribution of work to ensure that I didn't overdo it again. The changes in our family have been healthy for all of us in the long run. Hopefully it doesn't take anything as extreme as that for your family to wake up.
Anonymous
08/27/2015 12:42
Subject: How not to be an angry person
Try some depression meds! Just try. I have no idea why 2 psychiatrists said you didn't need depression meds. It really sounds like they can help you, even if just temporarily. You also may need something to help you sleep.