We limit our European grandparents to two weeks.they end up ignoring us and booking three weeks, three weekends and flying on the cheap on Wednesdays.

They sit in our house, eat, read and get on the nanny's way. Last time the nanny asked for the week off unpaid to avoid them. They never rent a car, never offer to pay for a meal or groceries, demand fresh bread, cheeses, granola, and a gallon of tropicana OJ a day. dH bends over backwards to appease them.
Meanwhile they barely verbally communicate with one another. It's bizarre, and the stays easily cost us $500 week in bills and food. Oh, and stuff/appliances breaking by "curious new users." and let's just not forget the European way of house guesting 24 days and only bringing four underpants so you can do your personal laundry in the machine 2-3 times a week, just like at home! Oh and make you do it while everyone is at work and then blame the machine when you break the door.

I like the idea of splitting the time w/SIL. Also, if MIl fancies the nanny role, what about giving the nanny extra time off while MIL is in town. (& be frank w/nanny -- "I know MIL is a pain, if you can put up with is for a week you ca have an extra week off" -- that kind of thing.

As far as MIL letting the kids get up early, sleep w/her, etc -- I'd just let that go while she's in town. "Grandma rules are different," repeated ad nauseam.

If your DH won't stand up to her, then you do it (and continue to address in counseling). MIL can stay for two weeks, and is not allowed to interfere with nanny or move furniture, etc. The rest, you can handle.

You may lose your nanny over this. Good nannies always have options, and it may not be worth putting up with MIL for her.

Op, my MIL lives in Europe and is single. When she comes, it's for long stretches as well. I SAH so I deal with her 24/7 and while she isn't outwardly mean or rude, she does have a bit of a temper and is so used to getting her way if I don't do things her way or take her advice she throws fits (like throwing things on the floor, stomping feet, refusing to speak to people, packs her bags and threatens to leave for the airport right away). I have had to set limits with her, and I am not confrontational but I am not afraid of a confrontation if it is necessary. DH agrees she is a pain, and we now limit the visits to 2 weeks MAX. Having Thanksgiving week and then the next could allow you to take the kids to see Santa with her and see some holiday things. we do the week of Christmas and then the next to get NYE and day in with the family.

If it makes you feel any better, my friend is from Iran and when her MIL comes it is for 6 month stretches!!!!

I have a family (my own) staying with us for 4-6 weeks stretches once or twice a year (we have 2 kids under 4). But I would never consider them coming if we would be going through any kind of couple counseling... Just my point of view...

MIL needs to conform to your culture, that is where you live. She does not foist her culture on you.

Op - - what is "reasonable" is what YOU & HUSBAND think is reasonable. That's it, that's all. MIL does not decide. Husband and wife need to reach an agreement - and then husband needs to be the one to tell his mother.

Maybe OP's husband is from a different culture where this is expected. In my H's culture it is expected that grandparents be given access to the kids as they want, and long visits or even moving in is the norm. A hotel would be super offensive. (My H thinks these things are ridiculous so we don't practice them but that is the cultural expectation.)

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think we will be able to get back into the counselor' office before his mother needs a decision. Just to clarify, DH isn't a mama's boy. He has a very strained relationship with her and copes by ignoring her completely. I know it's not better than a mama's boy and still consider his lack of actions as a major issue. There is however a difference. He feels like he has a culturally obligation to give her access to our kids and should welcome visits.

What do you mean by a cultural obligation? It should be up to you and your husband to come to a consensus on what works for you

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound selfish. Find a compromise at 3-4. We have a relative who generally comes for 4-5 weeks. It took me some getting used to and the first few visits were hard, but you adjust for your kids sake. Its very common for relatives in other countries due to the cost of the tickets to come for that length of time.

Do not listen to this bozo

+1000
Maybe said bozo can host OP's MIL at their house

Anonymous wrote:If his sister is local enough, why can't you split her visit up? Not weekends there, but maybe the reverse?

Weekends is stupid.

He wont see mom and you will spend all your time managing her.

Do two weeks with sister and two weeks with you.

You can handle anything for two weeks.

Sorry for the typos.

OP here. I don't think we will be able to get back into the counselor' office before his mother needs a decision. Just to clarify, DH isn't a mama's boy. He has a very strained relationship with her and copes by ignoring her completely. I know it's not better than a mama's boy and still consider his lack of actions as a major issue. There is however a difference. He feels like he has a culturally obligation to give her access to our kids and should welcome visits.

I can't imagine. Good luck, OP.