Parenting is hard with two people. You are only 33 so you have plenty of time.

I was in a very similar situation to you OP except that raising a child on my own would have been financially difficult and I would have had to uproot everything and move to a cheaper location to be near family. So, I decided instead of doing that right away, I would get out there and date like it was my part time job. I read books on dating, I did meet-ups, online dating, asked friends to set me up...it was exhausting and really discouraging sometimes, but, I ended up meeting my husband. We got married right away and got pregnant right away. We're trying for #2 and I couldn't be happier. Good luck to you.

Anonymous wrote:I am not a single mother by choice. My ex doesn't help out much. And it's hard. It really sucks sometimes. Of course my children (I have two between the ages of 8-12) are the light of my life, I love them ridiculously and unconditionally. However, I would never do this on my own if I had a choice. You are a full time parent. You have a full-time job. Guess how much time that leaves you to do anything for yourself? Yesterday, I was up at 5am and finally got to sit down and "relax" for the day by 9pm (relaxing included folding laundry...). If I could afford a nanny or help a few hours a day that would definitely help, but even making 100K+ I can't afford a luxury like that.

I am sure there are wonderful stories of single moms by choice, but in MY experience, it's absolutely exhausting. Take the others advice. Focus on dating. Try and find a partner first. 35 is not old. And think really long and hard about bringing a child into this world with you as the only parent.

This is the reason I adopted. I didn't bring a child into the world as a single parent - but I did give a home to a child that was already here.

I am a single mom by choice. First, I want to say I totally respect the POV of the previous poster -- it IS stressful to raise a child/children by yourself. You DON'T get much time to yourself. My situation is a little bit different from hers because I don't have to deal with the continuous disappointment of an ex who isn't holding up his end of the deal. I went into motherhood knowing that it would all be on me, and I was okay with that. But there are definitely some challenging aspects along with all the love and all the joy.

With that said, I think it's important to realize that there's a biological deadline here that can't be ignored. OP, you are 34. Let's say you meet the right guy tomorrow. How long would you have to date until you know he's the right guy to have a child with? A year or two? And then how long might you want to be together enjoying yourself before you get down to child bearing? And this is all assuming you find the right guy, right away. What if it takes a year or two to find that guy?

Every year, you are starting to lose your fertility. It doesn't matter how much you exercise, how great you feel physically...that's just the reality. We see celebs having babies at age 40+, but they never talk about the donor eggs that it took to make that happen.

Now, I am not knocking donor eggs, or adoption. Or you might just be the lucky lady who gets pregnant easily at 40+ with your own eggs. But I'll be honest; I think about the fact that I likely won't have a long presence in the life of my grandchildren, and it makes me sad. (I'm 44, my child is 3, and I was HELLA lucky to have gone through IVF at age 40 that worked) This is all something to consider.

You also don't have to have kids! Having a child is not the pinnacle of life, and I'm speaking as someone who has one. So that's something to consider, too.

I don't want you to have to give up on any part of what you want. I just want you to make any decision completely clear-eyed, with a realistic notion of what it'll mean if you delay child-rearing to focus on dating. I would recommend "dating like a job" (as another poster put it) and also seriously investigating what it would mean for you to be a single mom - how you'd handle daycare costs, work, where your family support might come from, etc.

The very best of luck to you.

I am not a single mother by choice. My ex doesn't help out much. And it's hard. It really sucks sometimes. Of course my children (I have two between the ages of 8-12) are the light of my life, I love them ridiculously and unconditionally. However, I would never do this on my own if I had a choice. You are a full time parent. You have a full-time job. Guess how much time that leaves you to do anything for yourself? Yesterday, I was up at 5am and finally got to sit down and "relax" for the day by 9pm (relaxing included folding laundry...). If I could afford a nanny or help a few hours a day that would definitely help, but even making 100K+ I can't afford a luxury like that.

I am sure there are wonderful stories of single moms by choice, but in MY experience, it's absolutely exhausting. Take the others advice. Focus on dating. Try and find a partner first. 35 is not old. And think really long and hard about bringing a child into this world with you as the only parent.

I was in a similar position at 34 (had a 'starter marriage' in my 20s, divorced by 28, a couple sort of relationships after that but nothing that was sticking or what I wanted). I did the 'treat dating like a job thing' and feel like I dated the whole internet (and did even try that very stupid It's Just Lunch and a matchmaker - but found those guys felt like they were generally paying to find some sort of ideal).

Did end up getting engaged within a year and went on to have two kids (mine & husband's biologically but lots of fertility complications).

To add my two cents on some of the advice - 1) found some of the topic geared dating sites (the one I used is no longer up but had a literary bent to it) better than match.com. 2) i definitely had a dream of a 'mate' who was on paper a match in terms of career, earning potential etc. But did find that focusing on compatibility/chemistry and someone who is fundamentally kind is much more important (ie. I did find someone who really does "get" me, for better or worse) & realized that it mattered more. To be completely honest, the 'pool' of males who are unmarried by mid-30s and up has narrowed. a number of my friends who got married in their mid 30s married someone younger, lower-earning, or was divorced with kids. 3) I am not sure if the egg freezing technology has advanced a lot (there's a lower chance that frozen eggs actually work, people have a misperception that they are 'insurance' - it may be worth talking to a fertility doctor about it. I did explore it a little at 34, and doc said it wasn't worth the odds of it working (and I had started looking into what it would take to have a kid on my own). Keep in mind women's fertility varies tremendously - and there are lots of stories on DCUM -- and it's true that some women really do have no problem having babies in mid/late 30s, where others of us have been through the fire.

Anyway, I do not have the exact 'dream' life I had wanted at 34 - but ten years later, I have a strong marriage, two kids (but a lot of heartache and pain to get there), less income and attention to career/status/etc than I had wanted/expected, but overall exceptionally glad I have a husband I love and most of all that I did have kids - would not trade that for anything.

Anonymous wrote:Join eharmony. Seriously. I was 40, hadn't been in a relationship for eight or so years, depressed, etc. Tried eharmony, and within 8-10 matches I'd met the man I married 2 years later and we're deeply in love. But I didn't get the babies. Married at 43, he didn't want children, I'm older, it's a long story. If I'd done eharmony in my early or mid 30s I'd have met the guy and had time for children.
Go for it! I guess ok cupid is the new eharmony but honestly I felt like the matches were pretty right on (although not all were) and my husband and I fit together like gloves. Amazing.

Nice commercial. I live in Northern Virginia, went through the long rigamarole of taking all of the questions on eHarmony, and ended up with not a single match within a 100 mile radius. Then I read that eHarmony won't match up anyone who admits to depression in its questionaire - like, we're not worthy of partners. Fuck that site and all of its asshole so-called Christian founders. (They're also anti-gay.)

I met my husband through Craigslist (the regular dating section) for what it's worth.

Two stories - my own: I didn't meet the right guy and decided at 39 to adopt a child on my own. I am now 47 and no regrets. But I do feel like by choosing a child, I put meeting someone on a far back burner. I'm only now starting to date again.

My sister: Waited until she met the right guy. Married at 44. Adopted a child at 49. All seems to be going well and she has more support than I do because she is married. However, I wonder how things will be when she is 60 and child is 10.

Just two different ways of looking at it. I do envy the support my sister has. But I am glad I didn't put off parenting for another decade.

You are so young. I would put your energy into liking yourself and enjoying dating. Maybe go see a life coach or an incredibly honest (yet kind) friend and find out if there is anything you could be doing to yourself that is making it hard for you to meet someone and keep a relationship going into marriage. I absolutely get what the person who said "treat dating like a job" meant--but I think you have to do it in a positive way. Enjoy yourself or else no one will enjoy being around you. I would consider eHarmony -- even though I did not meet a lifetime match while I was on the site, I can say that every single man I met was totally marriage-oriented. It is not Tinder. Personally, I would not start throwing your time and energy into researching your fertility. That is a total rabbit hole. Enjoy life, date, have fun, re-evaluate at age 30.

I am about to become a single mother by choice (by adoption) and am ecstatic about it and think perhaps it was always "meant to be" this way for me, but I won't pretend it is the life I always dreamed of. When I look back, I can see that there were things I did, especially when I was in my 20s, that caused relationships with some pretty awesome men to end. I wished I had done some "reality checking" with someone to help me figure myself out a bit better.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was where you are in my mid-30's, only worse, after THREE really long term relationships in my 20's that didn't turn into marriage, one of which ended in pretty significant and devastating betrayal just before my 30th birthday. I didn't date from 30 to 38. Not at all. I was depressed and overweight, not great "dating material". And by 38 I had almost given up on the dream entirely and figured that even if lightning would strike and I would find the right guy, it would be a couple of years of dating and a couple of years before marriage, so the chances of a baby were pretty much nil. I was going to go the foster parent route and just resign myself to probably being a kick-ass spinster aunt and great foster mom.

But I was between jobs and had enough money saved to float for a couple of months without totally freaking out, so I actually dedicated myself FULL TIME to dating for one solid month. Rather than wait for someone to find me on the shelf of a dating service online, I actually looked for companions for activities I enjoyed outdoors, through Craigslist. I didn't filter respondents based on job title, education level, or looks -- just a general age range, whether they punctuated properly, and of course deleting any replies with dick pics and bad propositions. I had dates at least every other day, and what was great is I didn't focus on correspondence - I focused on just meeting and doing something I enjoyed. Lots of bike riding. That way, I never really had a bad date, since it was at least a good bike ride.

I found the man who is now my husband on the 13th date of the month. It took four dates for us to really click romantically. If he was on a dating service, I never would have looked at his profile because I would have filtered him out for not having a college degree. But he earns more than me, is as smart as me, and we now have an adorable toddler conceived a few weeks after our wedding.

(For the record, I didn't wait for the dream of being thin, being wealthier, being more sane, or being less depressed before I allowed myself to start dating again. I just started living my life. We can't wait. Life is too short.)

Go for the dream. Go all in. Maybe your dream may change over time. But go for it.

I'm a PP (met at 38, married at 40, fertility issues, DE at 45) who totally agrees with you! When I went online, I had been dealing with an illness that left me unemployed, living with my parents and 30 lbs over my not ideal but I can live with it weight (40lbs over my ideal weight). Don't wait to be the perfect person. Just be yourself (well, the best version of yourself) and get out there. I was lucky, DH was the second guy I met. But the moral of the story is--you have to buy a lottery ticket if you ever have a chance of winning.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have the money, I would consider egg freezing. It isn't a guarantee but it is something to think about.

This.

This is a very expensive route. A single cycle will be $10,000 + $3,000-$6,000 in drugs. And at her age, she may have to do 2-3 cycles to be confident that she had some good eggs. Plus there is a $500/year storage fee and $5,000 for a FET. Yes, it's a possibility, but a very expensive possibility.

PP, have you tried dating guys with kids? Older?

Well, here's another perspective: I decided I wanted to have a kid on my own when I was 35 and single, after trying hard for many years to meet someone. Now I'm 39 and still don't have a kid or a husband (turns out I have a severe genetic form of infertility, diagnosed when I was 37-- try telling your dates about that and see how fast they run away). For all the PPs who are telling the OP to just go on a lot of online dates... I have tried every dating website in the world, and I am still single. But I'm really glad I tried (and am still trying) to have a kid.

OP, I was where you are in my mid-30's, only worse, after THREE really long term relationships in my 20's that didn't turn into marriage, one of which ended in pretty significant and devastating betrayal just before my 30th birthday. I didn't date from 30 to 38. Not at all. I was depressed and overweight, not great "dating material". And by 38 I had almost given up on the dream entirely and figured that even if lightning would strike and I would find the right guy, it would be a couple of years of dating and a couple of years before marriage, so the chances of a baby were pretty much nil. I was going to go the foster parent route and just resign myself to probably being a kick-ass spinster aunt and great foster mom.

But I was between jobs and had enough money saved to float for a couple of months without totally freaking out, so I actually dedicated myself FULL TIME to dating for one solid month. Rather than wait for someone to find me on the shelf of a dating service online, I actually looked for companions for activities I enjoyed outdoors, through Craigslist. I didn't filter respondents based on job title, education level, or looks -- just a general age range, whether they punctuated properly, and of course deleting any replies with dick pics and bad propositions. I had dates at least every other day, and what was great is I didn't focus on correspondence - I focused on just meeting and doing something I enjoyed. Lots of bike riding. That way, I never really had a bad date, since it was at least a good bike ride.

I found the man who is now my husband on the 13th date of the month. It took four dates for us to really click romantically. If he was on a dating service, I never would have looked at his profile because I would have filtered him out for not having a college degree. But he earns more than me, is as smart as me, and we now have an adorable toddler conceived a few weeks after our wedding.

(For the record, I didn't wait for the dream of being thin, being wealthier, being more sane, or being less depressed before I allowed myself to start dating again. I just started living my life. We can't wait. Life is too short.)

Go for the dream. Go all in. Maybe your dream may change over time. But go for it.

Anonymous wrote:Treat online dating like a job. You'll eventually meet a great guy. I did (after 100 bad dates).
- happily married w baby at 35

This. Treat it like a job for a year and then reevaluate.