Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surely there is something that would break the ice with these boys. They aren't athletic. Would they like to play darts? Play pool on the pool table? Air Hockey? Would they enjoy a movie night with the other kids?

Maybe they would feel more inclined to participate if one of the other kids invited them to do an activity rather than the adults pushing them to participate.

These kids have had their lives turned upside down and they are reacting. Talk to their mom and ask her if there is anything you can do to make the adjustment easier.

I am going to keep trying because I understand it is not the boys fault however...

We tried we really did. As I said my boys are 12 and 9 same age as these boys and they were excited because all the other boys in our extended family are either older or much younger. Our vacation home has a full game room. They aren't interested. They just play video games all day. Seriously from the tv to ipads to little hand helds to computers. They went swimming once because their mother bribed them to try it for 20 minutes, they complained the whole time and just sort of waves their arms around in the shallow end. When we did have movie nights they would sit there with earplugs playing away at their games.

When we have them over for dinner my two little girls and my nieces run around and laugh and play. My boys will play a couple of games with their new cousins but they get bored and want to play basketball or want to build something and the other boys won't even try. I feel bad for them they need exercise and real food. As well as some structure, but as I said, they aren't my children, I can't really force them to eat what I've prepared and then go play outside.

Maybe board games? Cards? Can they have a boys poker night? I also agree that you should try sending your boys over to their turf. Have your boys find out what these guys like to do.

FWIW, I agree that it sounds like a frustrating situation. I think it's nice of you to keep trying. But whatever you do DO NOT criticize their indoor play or their eating habits.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surely there is something that would break the ice with these boys. They aren't athletic. Would they like to play darts? Play pool on the pool table? Air Hockey? Would they enjoy a movie night with the other kids?

Maybe they would feel more inclined to participate if one of the other kids invited them to do an activity rather than the adults pushing them to participate.

These kids have had their lives turned upside down and they are reacting. Talk to their mom and ask her if there is anything you can do to make the adjustment easier.

I am going to keep trying because I understand it is not the boys fault however...

We tried we really did. As I said my boys are 12 and 9 same age as these boys and they were excited because all the other boys in our extended family are either older or much younger. Our vacation home has a full game room. They aren't interested. They just play video games all day. Seriously from the tv to ipads to little hand helds to computers. They went swimming once because their mother bribed them to try it for 20 minutes, they complained the whole time and just sort of waves their arms around in the shallow end. When we did have movie nights they would sit there with earplugs playing away at their games.

When we have them over for dinner my two little girls and my nieces run around and laugh and play. My boys will play a couple of games with their new cousins but they get bored and want to play basketball or want to build something and the other boys won't even try. I feel bad for them they need exercise and real food. As well as some structure, but as I said, they aren't my children, I can't really force them to eat what I've prepared and then go play outside.

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe it is time to give up the fantasy of substituting your BIL's deceased wife right now. It is obvious that your new SIL and her kids don't "fit in" nor do they seem interested in trying to. Actually, they seem to take pleasure in defying your family's traditions. It doesn't sound like a good fit at this time even if they are new, extended family (hopefully with time and maturity things will improve).

It is very generous of you to include your BIL's family at your family's vacation place since you get to see your dear nieces. However, your wanting to include the new, blended family is causing havoc with not only you but your parents and that is not fair to them or anybody.

You need to concentrate on your relationship with your nieces and do girly things so that they can get the attention that they need. If the relationship with the new SIL doesn't gel right now because she throws temper tantrums when her boys aren't included, too bad. You can concentrate on doing some mom stuff with her later.

It seems that the problem is that your BIL has chosen someone who is not yet compatible with not only his daughters but extended family and you all should not let his choices disrupt your family get togethers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to distinguish between things like playing video games/eating junk food versus being affirmatively rude, disruptive etc. It's not on you to force them to be sporty or eat healthy foods. But you can enforce basic rules of courtesy. Pick your battles. You lost me when the first insult you hurled was that they are "obese."

That isn't an insult. They are very obese.

Also I cannot enforce basic rules of courtesy.

I have asked them not to belch and fart at the dinner table. They do anyway. Then their mother laughs and says "Boys you know Auntie Jane doesn't like that". If we say any more she will go in the other room and cry so no one will say anything anymore. Also at 12 and 9 they should be able to eat the meal everyone is eating and not have special food made for them.

OK, like right here. YES you are right that they cannot be allowed to belch and fart at the dining table because it is very offensive to others. NO you cannot declare what they should eat because it does not affect you and it is between them and their parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to distinguish between things like playing video games/eating junk food versus being affirmatively rude, disruptive etc. It's not on you to force them to be sporty or eat healthy foods. But you can enforce basic rules of courtesy. Pick your battles. You lost me when the first insult you hurled was that they are "obese."

Absolutely. This is just what I was going to say. Their food habits and their hobbies are really not the issue, and you will make much more progress with the BIL if you only discuss the rude behavioral issues. Your kids like basketball and these kids like video games? Some people's favorite color is blue and some is green. But where they are actively rude, that's the kind of behavior you can discuss with the BIL. Try not to focus on "why aren't these kids like my kids." Maybe they don't even know how to swim? And really, hold your tongue on anything about their weight or food intake. Not your battle and you won't win.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to distinguish between things like playing video games/eating junk food versus being affirmatively rude, disruptive etc. It's not on you to force them to be sporty or eat healthy foods. But you can enforce basic rules of courtesy. Pick your battles. You lost me when the first insult you hurled was that they are "obese."

That isn't an insult. They are very obese.

Also I cannot enforce basic rules of courtesy.

I have asked them not to belch and fart at the dinner table. They do anyway. Then their mother laughs and says "Boys you know Auntie Jane doesn't like that". If we say any more she will go in the other room and cry so no one will say anything anymore. Also at 12 and 9 they should be able to eat the meal everyone is eating and not have special food made for them.

Anonymous wrote:You need to distinguish between things like playing video games/eating junk food versus being affirmatively rude, disruptive etc. It's not on you to force them to be sporty or eat healthy foods. But you can enforce basic rules of courtesy. Pick your battles. You lost me when the first insult you hurled was that they are "obese."

Anonymous wrote:You need to distinguish between things like playing video games/eating junk food versus being affirmatively rude, disruptive etc. It's not on you to force them to be sporty or eat healthy foods. But you can enforce basic rules of courtesy. Pick your battles. You lost me when the first insult you hurled was that they are "obese."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't control other people, you can only control you. Expect the SILs boys to maintain the same standards of behavior as the rest of the family (once those have been explained of course) and then enforce them. If SIL cries to BIL oh well. And if he gets upset just stay calm yourself and say you of course you love the. And want them there as long as they comport with the general expectations.

Your BIL and SIL are being unreasonable and manipulative in their behavior to the detriment of everyone else. Stop making excuses and accommodating it.

And, yet, at the same time I can see how this sort of arrangement - going to a new stepdad's, brother's , in-law's house would be...daunting to a couple of awkward little boys.

+1. OP, your family sounds awfully in each other's business - everyone spends the summer together (all summer? really?) and Sunday dinners too? And these new boys have been introduced to the mix, and they don't like the same stuff as your kids do. And, how outrageous, they're fat and unathletic?

Give it a rest, and maybe let your kids meet the new boys on their own turf. You don't sound like you have anything on them in terms of bad behavior toward their new step-siblings; just that they are lazy and rude etc etc. I don't know how old these kids are or what ages you are used to, but tween and teen boys can pack a lot of attitude. That doesn't make them sociopaths. I'd give them space, drop the judgment on their weight and sportiness, and try to understand what this situation must feel like for them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't control other people, you can only control you. Expect the SILs boys to maintain the same standards of behavior as the rest of the family (once those have been explained of course) and then enforce them. If SIL cries to BIL oh well. And if he gets upset just stay calm yourself and say you of course you love the. And want them there as long as they comport with the general expectations.

Your BIL and SIL are being unreasonable and manipulative in their behavior to the detriment of everyone else. Stop making excuses and accommodating it.

And, yet, at the same time I can see how this sort of arrangement - going to a new stepdad's, brother's , in-law's house would be...daunting to a couple of awkward little boys.

True, but that's why you do it in a firm but kind way. Reward positive behavior, consistently enforce rules, and stay calm. It's pretty much the recipe for dealing with any children. It can be tougher to feel like you have the right to that role with other people's kids, but in this case it seems warranted. And in a strange way I think this can actually be easier to do with other people's kids because they don't push the same buttons your own kids do so it's easier to stay calm.

Decide on your own rules and boundaries and calmly enforce them. Yes BIL and SIL may choose to leave in that situation and that is their choice to make. Again you can't control that, you can only control your own decisions and actions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't control other people, you can only control you. Expect the SILs boys to maintain the same standards of behavior as the rest of the family (once those have been explained of course) and then enforce them. If SIL cries to BIL oh well. And if he gets upset just stay calm yourself and say you of course you love the. And want them there as long as they comport with the general expectations.

Your BIL and SIL are being unreasonable and manipulative in their behavior to the detriment of everyone else. Stop making excuses and accommodating it.

And, yet, at the same time I can see how this sort of arrangement - going to a new stepdad's, brother's , in-law's house would be...daunting to a couple of awkward little boys.

Anonymous wrote:Surely there is something that would break the ice with these boys. They aren't athletic. Would they like to play darts? Play pool on the pool table? Air Hockey? Would they enjoy a movie night with the other kids?

Maybe they would feel more inclined to participate if one of the other kids invited them to do an activity rather than the adults pushing them to participate.

These kids have had their lives turned upside down and they are reacting. Talk to their mom and ask her if there is anything you can do to make the adjustment easier.