Anonymous wrote:
I think you're a troll.

Finishing grad school at 23 is quite rare. You basically painted a picture of a perfectly accomplished young woman, and are trying to provoke everyone on DCUM, whom you know to be relatively open-minded.

I had a baby at 25 in grad school, with my foreign husband. We were married at the time, but that was the least important detail!

There are many 5 year programs for teaching and you graduate with a master's instead of 4 with a bachelor's. The hand wringing seems fake.
It could be an ideal situation career wise. She can sub this year while pregnant, find a school she likes, get a decent maternity leave and start next school year. I wish I would have thought of that!

OP - Remember this is not about your life, but your daughter's life and how you respond to her right from the beginning may well be the demarcation line of your relationship with your daughter. Your daughter is not a pregnant teen. She has not only her undergraduate, but graduate degree and as you say is set to start teaching in the fall. Unless she might be lined up at a very conservative, religious oriented school, I see no reason why there would be any reason why she would not start her job as planned and then take a maternity leave.

I would be as open and welcoming as possible to her boy friend. Try and remember you are not going to discuss "the problem" with either your daughter or her boy friend, but to meet him.to listen to them and to learn about their plans. **You mention that BF has a good job so even if he is a foreign national, he may well already have a Permanent Resident card due to his employment and so the idea of marriage as a means to have to stay in the US would be rather moot. If it is possible for you to extend your stay so that you would meet and socialize with the BF on the weekend, but then also have some time to spend just with your daughter that would be great. Just going out to a couple of sites in Chicago and sharing some meals one-on-one might do you a world of good to see that your daughter is the young woman you have raised.

The Christian values that you have raised your daughter with are going to be on prominent display in your words and actions. Being the supportive and loving Mom you have been to your DD is the most important thing you can do. See what "theri plans" are in terms of marrying now or later and perhaps how you might even help with the plans. At their age it would make sense to marry in Chicago with their friends and in the future at a time you felt "appropriate" you might really enjoy planning a party celebrating their wedding and your first grandchild.....

Anonymous wrote:I'm meeting her boyfriend to talk about things this weekend. This has all been a shock because I didn't even know she had a boyfriend. She's been keeping everything a secret. Apparently she's 4 months along already. I'm worried because she has dated abusive men in past relationships. This entire time she's been saying she's single. She didn't expose all of this until I mentioned I was thinking about visiting her in Chicago.

It seems to me that all I can really do is let her know how worried I am about her. There's a lot of question marks right now as I don't even know her boyfriend

You can do better than that. You can give her whatever support she needs and without judgment. Remember your Christian values. "let he who is without sin..."

I'm meeting her boyfriend to talk about things this weekend. This has all been a shock because I didn't even know she had a boyfriend. She's been keeping everything a secret. Apparently she's 4 months along already. I'm worried because she has dated abusive men in past relationships. This entire time she's been saying she's single. She didn't expose all of this until I mentioned I was thinking about visiting her in Chicago.

It seems to me that all I can really do is let her know how worried I am about her. There's a lot of question marks right now as I don't even know her boyfriend

Anonymous wrote:I married older and had a child at 38, so 23 seems crazy young to me --- buuuuuut I was fully expecting this to be about a pregnant 13 year old. Not an adult woman who has finished undergrad and grad school and is in a committed relationship.

I'm missing the tragedy.

+1 A 23 yr old who's finished her education, ready to start her career, has a committed, educated, employed partner. Sure, it would have been good to wait a few years but this is hardly the "worst thing that could happen." Congrats on your new grandchild!

I don't think this is real but, in case it is, I vote that you should encourage her to marry him. It's up to him how he will deal with his family. It does sound like they will never truly be the kind of accepting inlaws you would want but, if they wait to marry, they might pressure him to walk away (threatening money, inheritance, support, etc) which would be worse for the child. If they marry, even if they someday divorce (not that they will, just that a lot of people do), this way the child will likely have a relationship with dad. If they don't marry and he hides the baby from his parents, he's more likely to reject the child later on.

Are you just venting, OP? And when you calm down, you'll realize that your educated adult daughter having a baby with a man she's committed to is not the worst thing to happen. Not even close. If you just found out, are still processing this and will eventually calm down and get on board, then ok. Otherwise, you're being ridiculous and it will affect your relationship with your DD and her new family.

It's the worst thing that could have happened? Tell that to my friend's aunt, who lost her daughter at 19 over the weekend. I'm sure she'd be happy have her daughter alive and pregnant at 23, you can have the daughter dead at 19 so you'll be spared the shame of her pregnancy.

She made it to 23 and graduated before getting pregnant with a man who whats to marry her???? I'm sorry, why exactly are you complaining?

Count your damn blessings!

Anonymous wrote:This is definitely not the worst thing that has ever happened. They'll be fine. Jobs, marriage, baby. Maybe not the order you would have liked, but oh well. That's life. And she is 23, not 15!

This. It could be much worse

I had my first child at 24 and my second at 27.

Dh didn't want to tell his parents, my family attended our wedding. We got pregnant very quickly afterwards and his parents found out about both at the same time. They were pissed, but we were adults and there wasn't anything they could do but accept it. Once the baby was born, they warmed up quickly.

While you may be upset because it's not the path you would like for your daughter, she is an adult and this is the path she has chosen. If they are stable, mature and ready to start their family then just be there for them.

When did 23 become "young" to have kids?

I had a 14 year old pregnant high school freshman in my class two years ago. THAT was a disaster.

Your daughter has a high school diploma, a college diploma, and a graduate degree, and she's getting married. This is not disaster.

So, your adult daughter finished her education, is getting married, and is starting a family. Are you upset at the nationality of her fiance? Or are you upset that she decided to get pregnant before the wedding?

Seriously? She's 23! I clicked on this thread expecting to read about someone's 13 year old daughter being pregnant or something....