Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You visit once a year at Christmas, but you're in a Phoenix hotel right now until next week?

Yes, we are helping a friend move to start a new job. Thought we may help BIL too. My friend is very good at cleaning and offered to help.

Who isn't "good at cleaning"? It isn't rocket science.

Fake, troll, liar.....whatever. You can't keep your story straight.

Anonymous wrote:You visit once a year at Christmas, but you're in a Phoenix hotel right now until next week?

Yes, we are helping a friend move to start a new job. Thought we may help BIL too. My friend is very good at cleaning and offered to help.

You visit once a year at Christmas, but you're in a Phoenix hotel right now until next week?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point, I call troll or OP is a big fat fibber!
Everytime someone makes a point, OP adds that detail to her story. Oh, now MIL is a hoarder, and now her own dad was an even bigger hoarder!
Girl, Bye!

Not just my dad but mom, mostly mom.

I am not making this up. Wish I was. Did not mention my own parents since I posted about cleaning up mil's house.

But your inlaws don't have this perspective. They only have their own sense of shame about their own hoarding.

I know that. And whatever Mil's feelings about it, the house is getting cleaned up.

The choice for BIL is cleaning up by November 1. With help. 2. Without help.

He has chosen without help and I'm fine with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point, I call troll or OP is a big fat fibber!
Everytime someone makes a point, OP adds that detail to her story. Oh, now MIL is a hoarder, and now her own dad was an even bigger hoarder!
Girl, Bye!

Not just my dad but mom, mostly mom.

I am not making this up. Wish I was. Did not mention my own parents since I posted about cleaning up mil's house.

But your inlaws don't have this perspective. They only have their own sense of shame about their own hoarding.

Anonymous wrote:At this point, I call troll or OP is a big fat fibber!
Everytime someone makes a point, OP adds that detail to her story. Oh, now MIL is a hoarder, and now her own dad was an even bigger hoarder!
Girl, Bye!

Not just my dad but mom, mostly mom.

I am not making this up. Wish I was. Did not mention my own parents since I posted about cleaning up mil's house.

At this point, I call troll or OP is a big fat fibber!
Everytime someone makes a point, OP adds that detail to her story. Oh, now MIL is a hoarder, and now her own dad was an even bigger hoarder!
Girl, Bye!

Anonymous wrote:

this is ridiculous and making me furious

Op, you are in no position to be "furious"

I am cooled down from yesterday. I was furious, can't help how I feel, but writing it down helps and I was projecting my feelings about my own mother more than being mad at MIL and BIl, who are lovely people.

The situation IS ridiculous, however, anyway you look at it.

this is ridiculous and making me furious

Op, you are in no position to be "furious"

Op again. My parent's house in the U.S. had a much bigger hoard than mil's house. It was cleaned out by my brother and sil1, took them 3 months and they are living there now.

Mil's house basically needs housekeeping compared to my parents home. Again, I only wanted to help with the cleaning and have zero interest in living there or in Phoenix.

I will leave it to BIL.

Anonymous wrote:It's incredibly difficult to clean out someone's estate, especially a hoarder's. Your BIL has been dealing with all these issues--while your family enjoys their normal routine. Please show some compassion and support for the primary care giver of your DH's parents. This isn't about you. It needs to be about them.

My sister had a similar reaction last week on her vacation home. My mother's long term partner (20+ years) is dying from cancer and his house needs to be sold. He too was a hoarder and its been incredibly hard on my mother to chip away at the disaster and to manage his care. My sister insisted on coming to visit to "help" and clean--it turned out horribly. She and my mother were at each other's throats the entire time. She thought my mother was wasting her time (though again she never asked for help). My mother emotionally couldn't deal with my sister's incessant pressure and the hoarder's angst (yep, people still care about their stuff from assisted living).

Show compassion and a lot less disdain. One day, you will learn how hard this is.

OP here. I went through this already with my own mother who died a year before my FIL. My mother had a hoarding problem and a gambling problem AND lives in another country, a very big mess that my father is still dealing with. We are not able to help Dad much because of language issues and my sil 1 is the only one aside from my father who can navigate the country's legal system.

My dad doesn't want help either but does consult with sil 1 who lives in the U.S. and is very busy with 3 kids under 10 and a busy career, ie she can't help too much.

My other sil says that most "normal" people would want help with "cleaning the house" but not people with mental issues, so best to let them be.

It's incredibly difficult to clean out someone's estate, especially a hoarder's. Your BIL has been dealing with all these issues--while your family enjoys their normal routine. Please show some compassion and support for the primary care giver of your DH's parents. This isn't about you. It needs to be about them.

My sister had a similar reaction last week on her vacation home. My mother's long term partner (20+ years) is dying from cancer and his house needs to be sold. He too was a hoarder and its been incredibly hard on my mother to chip away at the disaster and to manage his care. My sister insisted on coming to visit to "help" and clean--it turned out horribly. She and my mother were at each other's throats the entire time. She thought my mother was wasting her time (though again she never asked for help). My mother emotionally couldn't deal with my sister's incessant pressure and the hoarder's angst (yep, people still care about their stuff from assisted living).

Show compassion and a lot less disdain. One day, you will learn how hard this is.

Dear OP,

My SIL feels exactly as you do about my mother and dad (her MIL and FIL) and undoubtedly she also has strong feelings about me and the ways I interact with my parents (who are hoarders, who are old and infirm in multiple ways, and who could be [from what I'm inferring] your inlaws.

I will always be grateful for the assistance she has tried to give my parents. I am sure your BIL and MIL are also grateful.

But I need to say this as gently and as firmly as I can: they do not want you in the space (I realize you're in Phoenix now and heading to SD soon) and they will *never* want you in the space. Although you are family to them, right now your repeated questioning of their decisions and your ongoing offering to help despite being told :no" is almost surely alienating them, and it will become more and more uncomfortable for your DH, who needs your support.

Please back off. Please. For your own good, your husband's, and your extended family's, just back off. No good is going to come of what they are now seeing as pestering and nagging and in fact, some harm will come, instead. I understand you want to help, and I know hotels are expensive, but nothing costs as much as fractured families. Leave it be, let it go, and know in your heart that you are right, if it helps, but use your head to understand that it's time to stop -- not just at the end of this trip but as you all move forward.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to stay there if she doesn't live there and it has been empty and dusty and gross for a while. She's probably ashamed and embarrassed about the state it's in.

Because I want to help BIL clean it. He has so far done a very poor job and it's been over a year and it is obvious he needs help getting it in order. I am hoping that us staying there in December will give him an additional incentive to get it done and not just the probate deadline. We have offered many times to help him clean but he always says he needs to "think" about it.

Anyway, you are all right. I will let them sort it all out and spend the time in Phoenix going to the Scottsdale fashion mall and going to the spa at our hotel. Not much else to do in Phoenix in July and better than cleaning!

Do you have kids? I wouldn't want my kids in the mess and dust.

I think when you're face to face, you can gently suggest that this needs to happen and that you will help. But do it in a way that eases tensions and insecurities. Don't make them defensive.

m

We are currently in Phoenix at a hotel. My kid can stay with friends during the day if BIL will let us clean. My friend offered to help clean the house too. The hotel stay in December is an obvious ruse - I thought if we appealed to their Dave Ramsey side, it would work.

Did not. BIL turned us down. Doesn't want the help. Will be leaving Phoenix and getting back to perfect always 74 degree San Diego next week

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to stay there if she doesn't live there and it has been empty and dusty and gross for a while. She's probably ashamed and embarrassed about the state it's in.

Because I want to help BIL clean it. He has so far done a very poor job and it's been over a year and it is obvious he needs help getting it in order. I am hoping that us staying there in December will give him an additional incentive to get it done and not just the probate deadline. We have offered many times to help him clean but he always says he needs to "think" about it.

Anyway, you are all right. I will let them sort it all out and spend the time in Phoenix going to the Scottsdale fashion mall and going to the spa at our hotel. Not much else to do in Phoenix in July and better than cleaning!

Do you have kids? I wouldn't want my kids in the mess and dust.

I think when you're face to face, you can gently suggest that this needs to happen and that you will help. But do it in a way that eases tensions and insecurities. Don't make them defensive.