My 4 YEAR OLD knows "Uncle X did something bad to hurt grandma when she was a little girl, so he's not someone safe for us to be around."

The suggestion to tell a 16 year old basically the same thing is ridiculous IMO. At 16 she already knows what rape is and she is going to know roughly what happened even if you use that phrasing. As long as you don't give graphic details, she'll be fine.

I was, when I found out about what happened to my mom. And I was 12.

What happened to you was awful and wrong and I am so sorry for it, but just knowing the fact that it happened isn't going to shatter your DD. She may be a bit scared, but that's life and sheltering kids does them no favors.

Sixteen is nearly an adult. My twins were across the country at college at 17. A 16 year old can hear the basic fact that an awful thing happened and still be ok.

In fact, you opening up to her about this if you're ready may well be the thing that models that it's ok to talk to you about anything and there's no need for shame if something bad (God forbid) ever happened to your DD.

As long as you don't give details, I don't see how it can do significant harm to her. And at that age I wouldn't lie or make up any half-truths.

Tough call. OP, is there a way you can convey to your DD that you have an issue with one of the other adults, and aren't intending to be rude to your nephew? What is your relationship with your sister who was married to this man?

Not to mention DD is in a huff wondering why she can't go to all the fun family functions and why her mother is being selfish and unreasonable. She's going to feel like an asshole for those feelings when this all comes out. Then she'll feel terrible.
She doesn't have to have the details, but light needs to be shed here.
Fuck, all this secrecy and darkness is how people get away with this shit. Truth will out people.

Hence, why I suggested talking to a psychiatrist. I think it depends on the child. Some may handle it better than others.

My larger concern would be about this man still being around, even though he is now an ex husband. That complicates things.

Anonymous wrote:I'm stunned that so many people are saying 16 is too young to hear this. It may be hard for her to hear, but silence is how these assholes get away with this nonsense. I'd be absolutely terrified of my daughter being around this man. And high schoolers are having sex, people - they need to know about the dark side, too. 16 year olds are incredibly vulnerable to predators like him.

A real psychiatrist would be your best bet for advice, though-not some person with no degree, which is what those rape counselors you talked to sound like.

But, I absolutely think it's time to tell her in some fashion. Maybe not every detail, but she needs to know the big picture.

I'm so sick for you, though. What a sad, effed up situation. And I'm ill that he is now a pastor.

I am one of the PPs whose mom was likely raped and who put it all together at 18. Do you have a mom who was raped? If so, did she tell you or allude to it?

Of course our kids should know about rape. Especially date rape. Child molestation. But knowing about the dark side of sex and criminal activity and knowing your mom was raped are completely different. If OP wants to tell her DD at some point, I would support her, but not until her DD is old enough to deal with it. I was 18 (maybe 17?) when I figured it out and I wish I would have been older. It is a heavy burden for a child.

I tell her because I wouldn't want him to get rapey with her.

I don't also be concerned he's got that whole I'm a good person now pastor thing going on. I don't buy it for a second.

Anonymous wrote:I'm stunned that so many people are saying 16 is too young to hear this. It may be hard for her to hear, but silence is how these assholes get away with this nonsense. I'd be absolutely terrified of my daughter being around this man. And high schoolers are having sex, people - they need to know about the dark side, too. 16 year olds are incredibly vulnerable to predators like him.

A real psychiatrist would be your best bet for advice, though-not some person with no degree, which is what those rape counselors you talked to sound like.

But, I absolutely think it's time to tell her in some fashion. Maybe not every detail, but she needs to know the big picture.

I'm so sick for you, though. What a sad, effed up situation. And I'm ill that he is now a pastor.

+1. Well said.

I'm stunned that so many people are saying 16 is too young to hear this. It may be hard for her to hear, but silence is how these assholes get away with this nonsense. I'd be absolutely terrified of my daughter being around this man. And high schoolers are having sex, people - they need to know about the dark side, too. 16 year olds are incredibly vulnerable to predators like him.

A real psychiatrist would be your best bet for advice, though-not some person with no degree, which is what those rape counselors you talked to sound like.

But, I absolutely think it's time to tell her in some fashion. Maybe not every detail, but she needs to know the big picture.

I'm so sick for you, though. What a sad, effed up situation. And I'm ill that he is now a pastor.

Anonymous wrote:16 isn't that young. Being vague is just going to come across as condescending. If you say you were assaulted, she will get the hint. Don't underestimate a 16 year old. It's not like she's 12.

I agree. You were 17 when this awful thing happened; an age not far from 16. Only you know her maturity, so consider everyone's advice carefully. If she's mature enough, tell her what happened. I would approach it as "Uncle Bob hurt me when I was about your age and that's why I don't want you to see him. I'm happy to answer your questions but it may be difficult for me to answer all of them."

That way you can speak openly with her. She's nearly an adult, so you should be treating her similarly. She also should be aware that this could happen to her. Use it as an opportunity to discuss personal safety.

16 isn't that young. Being vague is just going to come across as condescending. If you say you were assaulted, she will get the hint. Don't underestimate a 16 year old. It's not like she's 12.

If your daughter is 16, she is way old enough to know that there are creeps out there who do horrible things to other people, especially people smaller or weaker than they are. I would tell her you can't be pain a room with him because he hurt you years ago. She'll probably put two and two together. Plan something special for her and send a gift to your nephew.

And OP, I am very sorry you have a birth family who would even be in the same room as that man. One of my children was raped as a child and if I were alone in a room with that man, I think my 5'2" self would get the strength to tear him apart limb by limb for taking away my child's influence and hurting the way she relates to men for life. This man may have served his sentence (however ridiculously inadequate it was). He may have made his peace with God but he does not deserve one second of attention or acceptance from you or any of your children. He's a creep and you are a survivor.

I think it would be best to let DD know, and to keep her as far as possible from any meeting with the rapist/phony pastor.