Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm feeling shell-shocked and questioning everything, including my reaction.

My DD is almost 16. It happened almost a year ago with a boy she knows but hasn't seen since it happened. She was a virgin.

I'm not even sure what I'm looking for in this post. I know my plan is to have her visit her doc for a check-up and screening and to seek out support groups and a therapist.

I've posted before (in the teens forum) about her issues with academics and how it stemmed from her low self-esteem. This all came to a head when she failed school this year. Little did I know this is what lay beneath the surface. She wrote me a letter. We had a good talk and I cried. She admitted that she dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts (she says she made an attempt).

I'm just questioning everything. Did I react correctly? Should I have been blazing angry? I feel like I took the news too calmly. I'm just second guessing everything.

Again, not sure what I'm asking here. Just feeling lost and incredibly sad.

Your daughter knew you would be mad about her failing so she made up this rape story, the attempted suicide, all of it. IF this were a true sexual assault, she would have told you the day it happened, the name of the boy. It happened at a friend's house ? Does the friend know ? Do the parents know an assault took place in their home ? If they don't, they need to know. Their home is a crime scene. Has this boy raped any other girls ? Is he in the habit of going to young girl homes and raping the ones he likes ? Why aren't you down at the PD station filing a report ? This needs to be reported. Was your daughter on birth control ? STDs ? Maybe this boy is on the prowl right now. You need to report him !

Kids are smart today. They know how to manipulate adults and where sympathy lies.

This is not the 60s anymore. Sexual assaults need to be reported. If she refuses, you will have your answer.

I'm thinking she failed because school was boring and she just wanted to have fun so she just pissed away a year. Now she's ashamed of failing so she told you this story for you to feel sorry for her.

My niece told this same story when she got caught skipping school and failing. Next came the baby. There was no rape.

Yikes PP! I don't think OP doesn't believe her daughter though and numerous PPs have explained very well why they never told about their assaults immediately. Just because she didn't in this case doesn't mean she's your in need of serious help relative. The child needs help no matter what.

Anonymous wrote:I'm feeling shell-shocked and questioning everything, including my reaction.

My DD is almost 16. It happened almost a year ago with a boy she knows but hasn't seen since it happened. She was a virgin.

I'm not even sure what I'm looking for in this post. I know my plan is to have her visit her doc for a check-up and screening and to seek out support groups and a therapist.

I've posted before (in the teens forum) about her issues with academics and how it stemmed from her low self-esteem. This all came to a head when she failed school this year. Little did I know this is what lay beneath the surface. She wrote me a letter. We had a good talk and I cried. She admitted that she dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts (she says she made an attempt).

I'm just questioning everything. Did I react correctly? Should I have been blazing angry? I feel like I took the news too calmly. I'm just second guessing everything.

Again, not sure what I'm asking here. Just feeling lost and incredibly sad.

Your daughter knew you would be mad about her failing so she made up this rape story, the attempted suicide, all of it. IF this were a true sexual assault, she would have told you the day it happened, the name of the boy. It happened at a friend's house ? Does the friend know ? Do the parents know an assault took place in their home ? If they don't, they need to know. Their home is a crime scene. Has this boy raped any other girls ? Is he in the habit of going to young girl homes and raping the ones he likes ? Why aren't you down at the PD station filing a report ? This needs to be reported. Was your daughter on birth control ? STDs ? Maybe this boy is on the prowl right now. You need to report him !

Kids are smart today. They know how to manipulate adults and where sympathy lies.

This is not the 60s anymore. Sexual assaults need to be reported. If she refuses, you will have your answer.

I'm thinking she failed because school was boring and she just wanted to have fun so she just pissed away a year. Now she's ashamed of failing so she told you this story for you to feel sorry for her.

My niece told this same story when she got caught skipping school and failing. Next came the baby. There was no rape.

Therapy. And pursue legal action against that rapist to the ends of the earth.

I highly recommend the movie Speak. About a 15 year old girl who takes a year to tell her family about her rape. Stars Kristin Stewart.

I'm sorry she has to go through this. My advice is give her options but let her tell you what she needs or wants to do next. Just make sure she hoboes she has your support.

Op - you are on the right track. I think your initial post is the exact path to take.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop making this a lot you and focus on her. Get her to a dr and into therapy. That's a first step.

Does the rapist go to her school?

I'd schedule a meeting with the school counselor to discuss the issue and see if anything can be done regarding her grades/transcript.

I'm not making it about me. I'm just wondering if my reaction gave her comfort. If others have dealt with this, just wondering what sort of reaction they would have wanted from their parents. I'm just hoping I didn't fail her even in this.

The rapist does not go to her school. She was at a friend's house and the boy was there. She hasn't seen him since. She knows him but doesn't want to reveal many more details and right now I'm not pushing it too much.

This is a hard one. When dd told us she had been sexually assaulted, it came out in bits and pieces. We didn't hear the worst of it until pretty far in. Plus it was the result of a manipulative secret relationship with a boy at school so the predator had set it up so it could be interpreted as consent by some. We had her report it to the school but I don't think the school handled it as well as they should have. I wish I had been more forceful with the school. But I did warn them forcefully that they had a predator on their hands and they better keep a close eye on him. I wish I'd been more angry on my kid's behalf -- but then, op, it sounds like your kid is afraid you will get too angry about it.

I'm just really glad she told you what happened because it will make dealing with the other stuff - hmm, maybe not easier but easier to understand. I found out about what happened to my kid because we were talking and I said something about people knowing she was a good person. She said that she wasn't and started telling me about the incident - which occurred while she was dating someone else. She thought she was a bad person because she was assaulted while dating someone else! That's how deeply this creep had gotten into her head.

Anyway, my advice is to tell her -- in case she has a hard time truly believing it, that it doesn't matter whether she had mixed feelings or she didn't say "no" vehemently enough, she was assaulted and it shouldn't have happened. Tell her that you believe her and you're on her side. Assume that she hasn't told you everything and you may learn more details later on. But be on her side!

Good luck, OP, you sound like a good mom. I wish you and your daughter the best!

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Things I needed to hear when it was me, when I was ready to hear them:

"You are not broken."

"There is not a wrong way to respond to this."

"This is not your fault."

All the good vibes your family's way.

same, same, same. you honestly cannot say these things enough. it took about three years of my family saying this to me before it finally sunk in

PP here. Things I needed to hear when it was me, when I was ready to hear them:

"You are not broken."

"There is not a wrong way to respond to this."

"This is not your fault."

All the good vibes your family's way.

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is HUGE that your daughter told you. I was raped in high school and I never told anyone until this year (and I am in my 40s) when I told ONE friend. My DH doesn't even know.

I would never have, and never will, tell my mother. So that speaks volumes about your relationship.

The most important thing, in my opinion, is that you strike a balance, tough as it is, between making too big a deal of this and trying to gloss over it.

So, let her know it was a terrible thing, that many many women experience and she is NOT alone. And that you will take her at a drop of a hat to any therapist or support group in town. And that if she has triggers or PTSD, come up with a code word and that's all she 'll need to say and you can immediately leave the parking lot, or library or wherever without her having to explain.

But at the same time, don't invade her privacy or smother her. Sadly, she will have to heal. Not you for her. She will have to learn to cope with the pain and shame and a therapist can help, but some of this work she is just going to need to do on her own. This will be tough for you.

So, while you don't want to brush off what happened, try not to look at her with whimpering eyes and constantly ask if she's OK and does she want to talk and treat her like a porcelain doll.

She does not need to deal with your guilt as well as her own issues. This is why I never told my mom.

One final note, get her involved in something new fun and fantastic, even if you think it's lame. Some hobby, some sport, just something she can DO and pour her energy into. The danger is the black hole of pain and active people don't fall down those black holes.

Good luck.

+1 Much love to you and your daughter, OP. This is the hardest thing to hear from your child, and second guessing your reaction and wanting to get it right are par for the course. She told you. She trusts you.

Am so sorry, OP. What's your daughter's reaction about the plan to start therapy?

So sorry! This happened to a student of mine and the guidance office was able to ensure they were in different classes and lunches.

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is HUGE that your daughter told you. I was raped in high school and I never told anyone until this year (and I am in my 40s) when I told ONE friend. My DH doesn't even know.

I would never have, and never will, tell my mother. So that speaks volumes about your relationship.

The most important thing, in my opinion, is that you strike a balance, tough as it is, between making too big a deal of this and trying to gloss over it.

So, let her know it was a terrible thing, that many many women experience and she is NOT alone. And that you will take her at a drop of a hat to any therapist or support group in town. And that if she has triggers or PTSD, come up with a code word and that's all she 'll need to say and you can immediately leave the parking lot, or library or wherever without her having to explain.

But at the same time, don't invade her privacy or smother her. Sadly, she will have to heal. Not you for her. She will have to learn to cope with the pain and shame and a therapist can help, but some of this work she is just going to need to do on her own. This will be tough for you.

So, while you don't want to brush off what happened, try not to look at her with whimpering eyes and constantly ask if she's OK and does she want to talk and treat her like a porcelain doll.

She does not need to deal with your guilt as well as her own issues. This is why I never told my mom.

One final note, get her involved in something new fun and fantastic, even if you think it's lame. Some hobby, some sport, just something she can DO and pour her energy into. The danger is the black hole of pain and active people don't fall down those black holes.

Good luck.

This +100. OP, I'm 40, and I was raped in high school and I've never told my mother. In hindsight, I wish I had at least sought out counseling for myself, it would have helped immensely. You sound like a great mom. At least she does not go to school with her rapist - that would be so much worse. Please, get her into counseling now. My grades really suffered after my attack, and I also started abusing alcohol - I realize now I was trying to "self medicate" to get rid of the guilt and depression, so make sure to watch out for that. Good luck OP.

I think that her telling you about it is an awesome break through. Until she is able to talk about it and perhaps seek help, it takes up way to much space in her head. She can only move forward when he realizes that this wasn't her fault and that she doesn't deserve what happened to her.

Kudos to you for not exploding. I wish you both all the best and am so happy that she felt that she could share this with you. That is a great start.

I was one of the posters on the other thread. I'm really sorry about your DD. I have faith bringing this horrible experience to light will start her on the healing path. Hugs to you both.

OP, please, get both of you to therapy immediately. Find someone who specializes in sexual assault. If there's a sexual assault center near you, they either should have therapists there or be able to refer you if you don't qualify (because of income or whatever). Even the directory on psychology today where you can search for someone by specialty and location could help. Also, get your daughter to a GYN for a checkup (if this boy is assaulting girls, who knows what STDs he's spreading around). All the other advice you received was excellent and you're now doing the best you can in awful circumstances. I think the advice I've received on grief applies here: be patient, gentle and kind to your daughter and to yourself too.