OP, I suggest playing this out in your head or, better, on paper. If you do x, then y needs to happen/will happen. Really think it through.

I hate to say it but I think you need to start making career decisions that will support you on your own in the event of divorce.

Here is where I see this going. You are dissatisfied because you had a great, high paying job and your DH did too. Then you had a kid and all of the additional kid duties fell on you; DH did not step up. Your solution was to mommy track, with the expectation that this would make life manageable while DH kept earning $. Except that he didn't do that. So now you've given up your $ job, he's given up his, and you are still doing most of the house work and child-related work.

Now you are seeing the lack of financial stability and, understandably, questioning why you are in this boat given where you were 5 years ago. Since DH seems to have become a drain on, rather than contributor to, family finances, you feel like it's all on you to provide financial stability.

I think what is going to happen is that you are going to jump back onto the track you were on, and do fine there. Except that you are going to discover that DH still is not going to pull his weight at home and with the kids. So then you truly will be doing it all - financially supporting the family as well as maintaining the home and caring for the kids.

At that point, why on earth would you stay with a man who is willing to sit back and let you shoulder everything?

I must have married your DH's twin brother. My ex also did not step up when our child was young, and I also gave up a high paying job so that I could spend more time with our child and take on more of the house and child related work. When I went back to work after a few years, he behaved as if nothing had changed and did not take on more house/child related responsibilities. Then he lost his job due to misconduct, and still did not pick up the slack at home. He had checked out of the marriage and family, and, in true slacker fashion, left even the formal dissolution for me to handle.

Good luck, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you divorce him? There doesn't seem to be anything stopping you.

Kids and hope.

Adhd

Why don't you divorce him? There doesn't seem to be anything stopping you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to face reality - you are in your late 30s and only have a few more years to make a move. Either accept a lower income in exchange for more time with your kids, or get yourself into the best paying job you can.

Unfortunately someone has to make enough money to cover expenses, etc. I have been accepting a lower income in exchange for more time with kids, but unfortunately the roller coaster nature of my DH's career means that either he has to start making more on an ongoing basis, or I need to move into a higher salaried position. It sounds like the consensus is that I need to do that. I am just wondering whether I can handle the marriage under those circumstances. I know I will continue to have to do most things with/for the kids or direct him and specifically manage him like he is my employee. Recipe for disaster. Yes, I agree he is immature, selfish, and lazy. Did I mention sexist? UGH KILL ME. Thanks again for everyone's advice.

Seriously, I'm sure family of two attorney's can eek out a decent life, even as GS-15.

We are no longer in DC and I do not work for the government. Also, no apostrophe needed to form a plural. Try to be correct when being a jerk.

Troll

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to face reality - you are in your late 30s and only have a few more years to make a move. Either accept a lower income in exchange for more time with your kids, or get yourself into the best paying job you can.

Unfortunately someone has to make enough money to cover expenses, etc. I have been accepting a lower income in exchange for more time with kids, but unfortunately the roller coaster nature of my DH's career means that either he has to start making more on an ongoing basis, or I need to move into a higher salaried position. It sounds like the consensus is that I need to do that. I am just wondering whether I can handle the marriage under those circumstances. I know I will continue to have to do most things with/for the kids or direct him and specifically manage him like he is my employee. Recipe for disaster. Yes, I agree he is immature, selfish, and lazy. Did I mention sexist? UGH KILL ME. Thanks again for everyone's advice.

Seriously, I'm sure family of two attorney's can eek out a decent life, even as GS-15.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems really easy. Work your way back into big law. Sure, it will take a while but you have the drive. Have him find part time / contract work and be a SAHD. Everyone will be much happier.

Thanks. Yes, I think he would be happier because he would rather sit around while the kids are at school playing the guitar. I would be happier with the control over our financial future. However, the house would be a wreck and I would miss the kids and worry about their fulfillment. So, I would be miserable in some ways. Would be a trade off

You need to not worry about the current job as much - gracefully work your way out and into a higher earning job. Once you get it, start outsourcing - cleaning, laundry, yard, etc. Take those burdens off your plate (as you know your husband will not.) When you are home - be home and present with the kids - work more after they go to bed.

There's a great Tina Fey quote that applies here:

"Is this person in between me and what I want to do?” If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work and outpacing people that way....."

You can work around him and get to what you want - more financial security. He's not going to change - the only thing you can change is you and what you do.

This is a great post and quote PP. thank you for sharing it.

PP here... my pleasure. Bossypants is practically my life bible. Good luck OP.

Anonymous wrote:It's weird how so many women still live vicariously through their husbands.

Do you know what that word means?

Anonymous wrote:You need to face reality - you are in your late 30s and only have a few more years to make a move. Either accept a lower income in exchange for more time with your kids, or get yourself into the best paying job you can.

Unfortunately someone has to make enough money to cover expenses, etc. I have been accepting a lower income in exchange for more time with kids, but unfortunately the roller coaster nature of my DH's career means that either he has to start making more on an ongoing basis, or I need to move into a higher salaried position. It sounds like the consensus is that I need to do that. I am just wondering whether I can handle the marriage under those circumstances. I know I will continue to have to do most things with/for the kids or direct him and specifically manage him like he is my employee. Recipe for disaster. Yes, I agree he is immature, selfish, and lazy. Did I mention sexist? UGH KILL ME. Thanks again for everyone's advice.

You need to face reality - you are in your late 30s and only have a few more years to make a move. Either accept a lower income in exchange for more time with your kids, or get yourself into the best paying job you can.

It's weird how so many women still live vicariously through their husbands.

I have a similar story OP. Mommy tracked my career (moved to an attorney position with the feds- shitty job but allowed me flexibility plus WAH) thinking that DH would be a big success. He was for awhile but now he's not so much and the future doesn't look nearly as bright as it once did. BUT, I recently made a big move and went in-house. I love my new job, make more money (not nearly as much as I would have had I not gotten on the mommy-track) and feel like I'm well-positioned to rise through the ranks in my department. I'm working a lot more, which has been an adjustment, but overall, I'm so much happier because I feel like I've taken control of my future.

Focus on making the changes you can. You can't change your husband, but you can make positive changes for yourself.

Anonymous wrote:While it's too late now, a lesson here is that you should make sure that you really know a person's level of ambition before marrying them and make sure that it's compatible with you.

Anonymous wrote:
I'm sorry, but this is terrible advice. People's ambition levels change throughout our lives for various. Same goes for sex drive, interests & passions, etc. If you marry someone thinking their ambition will remain static then you are in for a world of disappointment.

It may be difficult to gauge, but I think the principle holds.

In general, woman seem to be dissatisfied with men who seem less motivated than they are. That's just they way that women are wired. Women like a guy who has a "motor." Ambitious women should stick with men whose work-ethic is equal to, or are greater than, their own.

And I don't mean guys who are full of s**t and talk about all of their big, ambitiousm ideas that they will never actually accomplish. I'm talking about guys who have a proven track record of getting things down and being hard-working.

Anonymous wrote:No op sounds entitled. Want more? Earn it, honey.

She did. She will again. Where's the entitlement? She just wanted someone who would pull their weight as well.