Also, would you be able to cope with your DH finding a new relationship if you divorce?

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Anonymous wrote:Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.

Seriously, this is exactly what my friends who divorced found out. None have found any new lasting relationships.

Not true in my experience. I got asked out all the time as a newly single mom. I felt like I needed some time to regroup after my divorce and didnt date anyone for a while. But sometimes I felt like I was wearing a big "single mom" sign around my neck. I got hit on at my kids' schools, in my running club, at the gym, at church, at the grocrry store..... And there is nothing all that special about me. There is life after divorce. I did end up remarrying. We each brought two kids into our marriage and then had one together. Primary physical custody of all the kids. We've been married almost 20 years.

Age may also play a factor. My friends who divorced have not found lasting new relationships; they're in their early 40s. Sounds like the PP may have been a bit younger at the time of her divorce.

Little bit. I was 33 when I remarried.

OK, this makes an enormous difference (to guys) When you were getting hit on right and left, you were 30, 31 at most, right? Big difference between 30 and 42, no matter how much yoga we do

+1 Your situation isn't really comparable. Though unlike PPs, I do have friends who found love in their forties.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the quick replies.

yes, we had sexual/emotional intimacy the first two years of dating and first year of marriage. then things got wonky. H stopped initiating sex. we went to a sex therapist. that helped for about a year. wasn't awesome, but was good enough, and we were still emotionally close. then stuff happened in life...health challenges, miscarriages, kids. he retreated about 7 years ago and won't resurface.

to the PP who said she is more at peace with her situation...how did you get that way? i was tolerating it but i am finally just devastated by the whole situation. it isn't just no/low sex and cuddling...he does not share himself emotionally either. i give of myself over and over and often times i am met with crickets.

thanks to the PP who gave her input about the realities of divorce. how long did you hang in there? it has been 7 years for me.

I would have loved to have a wife like you willing to initiate. My wife just didn't care.

But if he is walling himself off from everything, setup and take him to a psychiatrist. He can't do it for himself. do it for him as you last step before you leave. If he is happy with friends, give up on it. it the relationship.

and to the people that say to stay in it for the children. I did and I think it was a mistake. All the tension and sadness is absorbed, you will hear your children expressing the same anger and frustration and sadness that you feel. They may become depressed, unable to control the situation. And they can only be children for such a short time. My marriage did not go south until the recession and layoffs and financial crap hit. Children were in middle school. so at least the elementary school years were happy.

but I f'cked it up, I should have left for them.

OP I am so sorry that you are feeling like this. It sounds to me as if you have made every effort to save your union and keep your family in tact, yet your husband is not as committed as you are and if both sides are not willing to put in 120%, then failure will result. No exceptions.

You have truly sacrificed so much for your marriage, you aren't a quitter by any means. Since your husband doesn't seem as committed as you are, you have no other option but to leave him.

Think about it, life is not very long. And to live out the rest of your good years in misery is not a life at all. It would be simple existence for the sake of existence.

I say file for divorce, the sooner the better.

Sure, you may not live in as nice a house or be able to afford many financial things you can now, but isn't happiness and contentment with life worth the trade-off?? I think so.

Also, staying with this man as unhappy as your posting illustrates will be setting a horrible example for your two kids. Children learn from their parent's behaviors and for them to see their mother miserable yet complacent in an unhappy marriage would be setting the worst precedent ever.

Many women have left unhappy marriages due to no fault of their own. And in the end, they have never regretted it.

More regret lingers in the homes of women who choose to stay hitched to someone who makes them feel dead and invisible.

Nothing will change until your husband realizes he needs therapy to work on his issues.

Get a new couples therapist. The one you have is not doing anything for you, from the sound of it.

You must have wanted your children very much to go through IVF with a spouse already so checked out. That means you need to keep thinking of them, and try to find a way to make things work out for you in your marriage, whatever arrangement that may be. The stability of their home and having their father there is more important than your intimacy issues with your husband.

Anonymous wrote:If you get a divorce, your kids will be damaged FOREVER. Don't kid yourself about this. Since DH is not abusing you or the kids, the right thing to do is put the kids needs first, and stay married until they leave for college.

I don't know about this. DH's parents divorced when he was very young and he's fine with it. Friends' parents divorced when they were college-aged, and it seems to have been pretty devastating, especially since they were at the ages of starting to think about forming romantic partnerships themselves.

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Anonymous wrote:Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.

Seriously, this is exactly what my friends who divorced found out. None have found any new lasting relationships.

Not true in my experience. I got asked out all the time as a newly single mom. I felt like I needed some time to regroup after my divorce and didnt date anyone for a while. But sometimes I felt like I was wearing a big "single mom" sign around my neck. I got hit on at my kids' schools, in my running club, at the gym, at church, at the grocrry store..... And there is nothing all that special about me. There is life after divorce. I did end up remarrying. We each brought two kids into our marriage and then had one together. Primary physical custody of all the kids. We've been married almost 20 years.

Age may also play a factor. My friends who divorced have not found lasting new relationships; they're in their early 40s. Sounds like the PP may have been a bit younger at the time of her divorce.

Little bit. I was 33 when I remarried.

OK, this makes an enormous difference (to guys) When you were getting hit on right and left, you were 30, 31 at most, right? Big difference between 30 and 42, no matter how much yoga we do

Anonymous wrote:I'd stay in the marriage and see new people. Then divorce as soon as I find someone new to marry. No way would I want to divorce and raise kids by myself, and try to find a partner at the same time.

Very mercenary. You are pathetic. People are human beings, not lifeboats there for your convenience.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.

Seriously, this is exactly what my friends who divorced found out. None have found any new lasting relationships.

Not true in my experience. I got asked out all the time as a newly single mom. I felt like I needed some time to regroup after my divorce and didnt date anyone for a while. But sometimes I felt like I was wearing a big "single mom" sign around my neck. I got hit on at my kids' schools, in my running club, at the gym, at church, at the grocrry store..... And there is nothing all that special about me. There is life after divorce. I did end up remarrying. We each brought two kids into our marriage and then had one together. Primary physical custody of all the kids. We've been married almost 20 years.

Were you 44 years old?

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Anonymous wrote:Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.

Seriously, this is exactly what my friends who divorced found out. None have found any new lasting relationships.

OP, are you willing to accept that it may not be what you are hoping for on the other side, in terms of dating? Might you still be happier single than in an unhappy, lonely marriage? Though it's certainly very possible that you will find a better relationship, there are no guarantees, single mom or not.

Does your DH know that you are seriously contemplating divorce? Why did his first marriage fail?

I'm so sorry for your pain.

OP here. the unknown of what will happen is part of what is keeping me in this marriage. the other part is, of course, my children. i have no idea how i will feel if dating sucks. badly, i am sure. i would like to share my life with somebody who is an equal partner. i feel emotionally lonely in my marriage, although i do have a built in companion to go do things with as a family or with other couples, so societally speaking i have a partner.

re: the first marriage. a lot of blaming her for things, she ultimately left him. i think i am understanding why that was. he never went to therapy after that marriage.

You will be lonely to lose that as well. You may say right now you won't but you will. It's a lifestyle you have grown accustmoed too.

Then their are your friends that you know as a couple and even that you know individually. Those will change as well. Some will drift away, some will basically ignore you in fear that they will catch divorce. And as crappy as this sounds but I am being really honest, I am pretty careful about allowing my kid to go over to friends houses for playdates with divorced parents especially once the parent starts dating. It's usually the mom who is hosting the playdates and really I don't want my kid hanging out with mom and random boyfriend.

You will parent your kids half of the rest of their life. The other half they will be with their dad. You will spend half of all holidays with them. Honestly, I have watched my friends suffer through this and it's really hard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.

Seriously, this is exactly what my friends who divorced found out. None have found any new lasting relationships.

Not true in my experience. I got asked out all the time as a newly single mom. I felt like I needed some time to regroup after my divorce and didnt date anyone for a while. But sometimes I felt like I was wearing a big "single mom" sign around my neck. I got hit on at my kids' schools, in my running club, at the gym, at church, at the grocrry store..... And there is nothing all that special about me. There is life after divorce. I did end up remarrying. We each brought two kids into our marriage and then had one together. Primary physical custody of all the kids. We've been married almost 20 years.

Age may also play a factor. My friends who divorced have not found lasting new relationships; they're in their early 40s. Sounds like the PP may have been a bit younger at the time of her divorce.

Little bit. I was 33 when I remarried.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.

Seriously, this is exactly what my friends who divorced found out. None have found any new lasting relationships.

Not true in my experience. I got asked out all the time as a newly single mom. I felt like I needed some time to regroup after my divorce and didnt date anyone for a while. But sometimes I felt like I was wearing a big "single mom" sign around my neck. I got hit on at my kids' schools, in my running club, at the gym, at church, at the grocrry store..... And there is nothing all that special about me. There is life after divorce. I did end up remarrying. We each brought two kids into our marriage and then had one together. Primary physical custody of all the kids. We've been married almost 20 years.

Age may also play a factor. My friends who divorced have not found lasting new relationships; they're in their early 40s. Sounds like the PP may have been a bit younger at the time of her divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.

Seriously, this is exactly what my friends who divorced found out. None have found any new lasting relationships.

Not true in my experience. I got asked out all the time as a newly single mom. I felt like I needed some time to regroup after my divorce and didnt date anyone for a while. But sometimes I felt like I was wearing a big "single mom" sign around my neck. I got hit on at my kids' schools, in my running club, at the gym, at church, at the grocrry store..... And there is nothing all that special about me. There is life after divorce. I did end up remarrying. We each brought two kids into our marriage and then had one together. Primary physical custody of all the kids. We've been married almost 20 years.

With any divorce you have to understand that you may be single for the rest of your life. I realized this when I was 29 and getting out of my hellish first marriage. But I knew I would rather be single and free then stay with that completely abusive jerk.

That to me is the standard of should I divorce or not.

Ask him for a hall pass!

Anonymous wrote:Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.

This. This is a "reality of divorce" OP. there's a lot of damage and carnage on match.com Yes, there are a ton of 55 yr olds who want to date you so they can sleep with you and then you'll make them a sandwich! And nurse their boo boos.

You may luck out meeting a friend of a friend though, that does still happen. He'll be battle-scarred too, though.

-- divorced 45 year old.