Anonymous wrote:Several years ago I had a very close friendship bordering on an EA. At that time I was the married one and he was single. We didn't talk about the attraction or our feelings for one another at that time but it was hard to miss. He decided to back off and find a girlfriend, which he did. I was hurt though I had no right to be, like you. I thought for a long time about what I could say that would express my sadness without making it seem like I was asking him to change course, since I understood that course was what was right for him. I found myself distancing myself without explanation and he became hurt by that. Ultimately we sat down and I told him that I wanted him to understand that although I was glad that he found the opportunity for a new relationship, my sadness and distance were because he had given me a part of himself and his time that he'd now taken back and given to someone else, and while I understood why that had to happen it still made me sad. I also made it clear I'd need to take that part of myself back and gain some distance while I adjusted.

That conversation was relatively successful. I managed to get the concept across while making it clear that I wasn't asking for more and without saying flat out that I'd had a crush. The friendship survived with an understanding it was just a friendship and many months later he was the one to finally bring up the crush he had on me.

I guess I'm trying to say there is a way to express your sadness and sense of loss without making it seem like a come-on or threatening his marriage.

Anonymous wrote:No no no and no. Don't confess.

It's completely self serving.

I think your secret wish is to hear back "but I've always loved you .... But I HAVE to do the honorable thing and you do too, so we'll love from afar...."

Outcomes like that are only in Harlequin Romances.

Really teenage kind of thinking, but we all have our lapses, so be the adult that you are, that I know you must be, and suck it up

Anonymous wrote:Wish I had a happy ending for you but I don't. Instead of starting a relationship we just became closer friends over time. We are still both in the spell, talk about it every now and then, and are very close friends but life just hasn't worked out to make us single at the same time. We're also afraid to ruin a good friendship.

Anonymous wrote:so, you want to jeopardize two marriages? nice work.

tell a girlfriend or therapist or journal or DCUM, but not him and not your husband.

Anonymous wrote:Wish I had a happy ending for you but I don't. Instead of starting a relationship we just became closer friends over time. We are still both in the spell, talk about it every now and then, and are very close friends but life just hasn't worked out to make us single at the same time. We're also afraid to ruin a good friendship.

Anonymous wrote:Several years ago I had a very close friendship bordering on an EA. At that time I was the married one and he was single. We didn't talk about the attraction or our feelings for one another at that time but it was hard to miss. He decided to back off and find a girlfriend, which he did. I was hurt though I had no right to be, like you. I thought for a long time about what I could say that would express my sadness without making it seem like I was asking him to change course, since I understood that course was what was right for him. I found myself distancing myself without explanation and he became hurt by that. Ultimately we sat down and I told him that I wanted him to understand that although I was glad that he found the opportunity for a new relationship, my sadness and distance were because he had given me a part of himself and his time that he'd now taken back and given to someone else, and while I understood why that had to happen it still made me sad. I also made it clear I'd need to take that part of myself back and gain some distance while I adjusted.

That conversation was relatively successful. I managed to get the concept across while making it clear that I wasn't asking for more and without saying flat out that I'd had a crush. The friendship survived with an understanding it was just a friendship and many months later he was the one to finally bring up the crush he had on me.

I guess I'm trying to say there is a way to express your sadness and sense of loss without making it seem like a come-on or threatening his marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are bring incredibly narcissistic, but deluding yourself that honesty is a beautiful thing instead of a selfish, self-serving thing.

What are your expectations or hopes, OP? That he will save a piece of himsrlf for you, to the detriment of his marriage (and yours)? To sabotage his efforts with his wife? Are you concerned that if he re-commits to his wife, you will lose his attention?

To be a real friend to him, you need to be a friend to his marriage. Period.

Snap out of this "beautiful thing" s**t, that's fantasy land.
You don't want him to leave his wife to be with you, because you are married. It sounds like you want to keep the status quo, which is just selfish.

It's normal to have those feelings and deal with them privately, but the height of narcissism to act on them.

This is the OP. Thank you for this clarity because my head is swimming. What's the least selfish way to end this - slowly fade, silent treatment (except for work), wish him the best but no talk of myself? This whole relationship has been selfish so I'm not sure the best way to right the ship at this point. Thx.