OP, I'm your kid.

My mom was the one of 5 kids to "escape". The only one to attend college. The only one to find a stable marriage and kids (in that order) and a decent career.

We lived 3 hrs from her family. We were the "city kids".

We went back to visit often - maybe not monthly, but at least 4-5 times a year, including a week or two in the summer.

Mom never expressed disdain for her family. As we got older (teenagers), she did express a sadness that some of her nieces/nephews felt they had so few options in life that they saw no reason NOT to get pregnant at 16, start drugs, and drop out of high school. She pointed out that their choices were really limiting their futures.

We had the advantage of being slightly younger than most of my cousins. By the time I was a teenager, I could see the results of their choices: raising kids alone in a doublewide because they never married and couldn't get a decent job, jail, moving back in with parents, giving their kids up to Grandma to raise, and even an early drug-related death (leaving a 22yo widow with 2 kids).

I love the individuals - they are still family, and many of them are sweet, funny, caring folks. But seeing their circumstances definitely made me grateful that my mom had managed to give me more opportunities, and made me want to continue on that path. It was actually a great motivator for college.

Don't raise your kids to be elitist snobs. Go visit your family, love them as family, and make them part of your kids' lives. But as yours get older (15+), don't gloss over the fact that opportunities + choices and hard work can significantly affect your life path. You've given them the opportunities, but it's up to them to do something with it.

Anonymous wrote:similar situation for me, my kids love and adore the cousins, but have no desire to live the same life as them.

Same here. Although the cousins live in a large southern city. They're good kids, but the education/career expectations are different. It's not necessarily a bad thing, just different.

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad I grew up in a middle class urban home. The baggage and ignorance some of you still carry is sad. OP and your ilk are so self loathing. Get some help.

You realize your statement is almost as ridiculous as many others. I grew up in a working class/ blue collar smallish city suburban environment. Not quite the "get out of here" environs that the OP talks about, but there is a super brain drain from my area because there aren't good jobs or much mobility. Rich people, urban people, poor people and everyone in between can carry just as much baggage.

I think what is important to OP is that she is missing the fact that if she thinks about it, she might actually WANT her kids to see others who are living in a very different way. Being surrounded ONLY by very similar SES, lifestyles, etc can be debilitating to young adults. It certainly does not help to breed empathy or a realistic world view. Its also a great opportunity in that these people are "abstract" or cautionary tales to be studied like some anthropological experiment. They are family. You can see that good people can make all kind of decisions and that you can appreciate someone while not wanting to live their life.

Your kids are what, 8 or so? They don't have an understanding that grownups do different things. Most kids that age just think grownup = I can do whatever I want. They don't think about money right now because you are able to provide everything they need. However, if it were Uncle John's kid, he would say "Dad, my cousins went to Disney World, and live in a cool neighborhood, and his mom is a lawyer. How come you're not a lawyer? Why can't we go to Disney World? Why didn't you go to college?" etc.

When your kids get older, they'll see the stark difference. You don't have to be smart to know that you're a good parent and are providing for your kid the best you can. Uncle John may be too, but your education and income make it much less challenging to do so, and your children will learn that in due time.

I grew up in a situation similar to that of your children, and believe me, I knew that I didn't want to make the same life choices as some of the family back where my parent was from. If you give your kid an awesome life and lots of choices, believe me he won't want to hang out at the Dairy Queen every Saturday night and go drink in a cornfield in high school until someone gets pregnant (my cousins' lives).

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a very disrespectful snob. Never speak ill of your family just because you live better. It's mean and hateful. YOU came from them, try to at least show some class.

Life happens. If your kids end up like the family you look down on, you deal. It's a 50/50 shot. Cross your fingers and hope for the best.

The part about what your kid said ? I don't believe that. Sounds like something YOU said. That's not right.

Sorry, but no, it's not a 50/50 shot and people don't "end up" like the family OP describes. They make choices - usually bad ones -- or choices are made for them, that are extremely hard to overcome.

Anonymous wrote:

Thing is now my kids are old enough (mid elementary school) that they're starting to notice. I realize how important an extended family is, but I also don't understand how I'm supposed to teach my kids OUR expectations -- good grades in school; college; career of some kind; and preferably marriage then babies in that order -- when they can say "cousin John didn't go to college and doesn't work and he and Lauren have a baby, so what's the big deal?"

You really don't know how to communicate and teach your kids your values and your expectations? You think the model your family presents is more influential than that of you and your DH? All that education and you can't figure it out.......

You think they're not going to go to school with kids who underachieve, drop out, knock someone up, get pregnant, do drugs or don't go to college? I sure hope you plan on sending your kids to an exclusive private school - but you'll need to prepare yourselves to deal with the effects of 'affluenza'. They can be pretty bad, too.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad I grew up in a middle class urban home. The baggage and ignorance some of you still carry is sad. OP and your ilk are so self loathing. Get some help.

If she's so ignorant and self loathing and you're SOOO much better . . . why weigh in on her thread at all? What do you possibly have to add with your middle class urban upbringing. The issues in these 2000 person rural towns with dying economies are very real -- you can call it self loathing or being a snob or whatever -- but you can't understand it unless you've lived it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa......reel it in, honey.

Different poster here. You are over reacting and need to deal with your issues on a different front.

it is the first PP that was overreacting and being an ass. The second one is fine. I hope that is what you mean.

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

My mother was like you. She constantly compared me to my not-so-fortunate cousin, and every time I had a bad grade, would threaten: "Do you want to end up like cousin X?" I grew up with disdain for my cousin and part of my family, which I now regret. It definitely wasn't my cousin's fault that he didn't have a stable family life and didn't receive a solid education, and his mother's issues weren't her fault either. Now we never see them, and I wish my mother had made more of an effort to present a more balanced picture to me.

You have to make YOUR lifestyle attractive to your children, instead of pointing out the flaws in other people's choices.

+100

Also, if you think of your childhood/past as something to escape, you need to re-examine that for your own sake. This is not healthy for you or your kids.

My family WERE the "yokels" in the small town, and my aunt and uncle were the ones who "escaped."

Thankfully, they didn't see us as inferior, didn't worry that we would rub off on their precious snowflakes and in fact brought us into their homes to see their lives.

I didn't see it at the time, but in retrospect they are hugely responsible for the success I've had. They showed me how big the world was, suggested colleges I never would have heard of, and overpaid me for babysitting their kids so I could have spending money at college.

You have a chance here to role model compassion for your kids, and to help their cousins have the kind of opportunities you didn't get until later. Please consider using it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad I grew up in a middle class urban home. The baggage and ignorance some of you still carry is sad. OP and your ilk are so self loathing. Get some help.

If she's so ignorant and self loathing and you're SOOO much better . . . why weigh in on her thread at all? What do you possibly have to add with your middle class urban upbringing. The issues in these 2000 person rural towns with dying economies are very real -- you can call it self loathing or being a snob or whatever -- but you can't understand it unless you've lived it.

Yes. I get it. It is 5ough not to be a.bigot.

Similar situation with my ILs, although they are in a large city. We did have discussions with our kids (now 10 and 12) when their 19 yr old cousin had a baby without being married or having a good job. We just explained that, no, you'd don't have to be married to have a baby but it's generally better for the family if you are and certainly to wait until you've gone to college and established your career.

We just spent the weekend with them and I can see that DS (12) is paying attention to our discussions (particularly BIL/SIL complaining about the kids dropping out of school, not moving out of the house, etc.) in a different way. We don't usually discuss the difference in quality of life -- ILs home is very small w/ a lot of people in it and not very clean -- vs. our upper-middle class, spacious, and clean home. They have in the past asked why the house is so dirty but I've just told them that it's hard to keep a house clean when so many people live there, the parents work a lot, and everybody doesn't pitch in to help. So, it's really important to help out when we are visiting. Their aunt is also pretty outspoken about the fact that dusting isn't a priority for her.

Kids aren't stupid, they can see the difference and draw their own conclusions -- go to college/grad school like mom and dad and you have the opportunity to live like this, drop out of school to have kids when you are 19 and you live like your cousins. Also, regardless of income level you can make it a priority to take care of your home. They know that they are absolutely expected to go to college or learn a trade after HS. Seeing the life their cousins have without that is just an example of why and we don't need to spell it out for them by putting down their relatives.

We also have told them there are good non-college options, esp. learning a trade -- our relatives with the nicest homes are the electricians.

Just keep emphasizing, this is what you need to do to have a standard of living like ours.

OP, not only should you never, ever expose your kids to your family for fear they will become like them, but also you should never let them be in any circumstance except where they are surrounded by people who have obtained college degrees and who are in successful careers.

Your kids are not now and never will be smart enough to realize the value of hard work and education unless you completely shield them from the reality that some people have different priorities than you do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad I grew up in a middle class urban home. The baggage and ignorance some of you still carry is sad. OP and your ilk are so self loathing. Get some help.

If she's so ignorant and self loathing and you're SOOO much better . . . why weigh in on her thread at all? What do you possibly have to add with your middle class urban upbringing. The issues in these 2000 person rural towns with dying economies are very real -- you can call it self loathing or being a snob or whatever -- but you can't understand it unless you've lived it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa......reel it in, honey.

Different poster here. You are over reacting and need to deal with your issues on a different front.