Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 14:10     Subject: Re:Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Anonymous wrote:I love backpacking, so my first instinct is to say definitely go. I suspect the others who have advised that "your friend" go on the trip are also echoing from their own love for the outdoors. But call this what it is, your friend is doing this to relive her past. The fact that it's on a bucket list trip to the Sierras is not relevant. That she hasn't gone camping in 12 years proves that. If she really loved backpacking, she would have found a way to at least go camping in Shenandoah (which is handicapped accessible). There are tons of meetups and enthusiast groups dedicated to hiking if she were looking for hiking partners.

Once we strip out the backpacking in the Sierras angle, all that's left is that she wants to relive the past with her ex-Dh, just as she claims her kids do. I don't have any advice on how you should advise her husband. I just wanted to clarify that point.

She is not trying to relive the past. She's trying to live out a fantasy future that is minus a troublesome child and disabled husband, and plus three well-adjusted children and a 1-percenter husband.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 13:43     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think not inviting the other kid is inexcusable. How would that make him feel? That could damage him for life. One of the worst parenting moves ever. Abusive!
Now if he is invited and declines, totally different story.


OP again. I recall when this kid was younger a therapist told them not to allow him to manipulate a situation. If he acted up, the family should go on and do as they were. I think I heard her say that the ex has concerns that he might yell at the kid or hit him. She has been able to control him for short bursts. She can tell him to be on his best behavior for a two hour period, but this is a long trip. The girls apparently wanted to travel together since they are close. My friend has a boy and a girl by husband number 1 and a girl and boy by number 2.
I completely understand why second son would not be able to make it on a trip like this. Maybe they could use the "you're too young" excuse, even though he is bigger than his sister.
I think that my friend should go, and leave the youngest one at home. Her kids will remember this trip forever.


The friend has four children, all her biological children. You do not leave one of your children behind and take the other three!
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 13:41     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hell no, your friend going on this trip with her ex is very, very inappropriate. Apparently your friend wants to be a two time divorcee. She is basically asking to vacation with another man and not only that a man that she's had sex with before. I think this is dangerous territory.


+1. The fact that she is also leaving her son behind is unconscionable. Let her ex have his special trip alone with his daughters. They will see a side of him that they have never had a chance to before and it will strengthen their bond. Your friend needs to join a outdoor club.


I think she is leaving the new husband's son behind. Not her son. The new husband's daughter would tag along because she gets along with the wife's daughter.


No, all the kids are hers, OP said so.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 13:36     Subject: Re:Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
I love backpacking, so my first instinct is to say definitely go. I suspect the others who have advised that "your friend" go on the trip are also echoing from their own love for the outdoors. But call this what it is, your friend is doing this to relive her past. The fact that it's on a bucket list trip to the Sierras is not relevant. That she hasn't gone camping in 12 years proves that. If she really loved backpacking, she would have found a way to at least go camping in Shenandoah (which is handicapped accessible). There are tons of meetups and enthusiast groups dedicated to hiking if she were looking for hiking partners.

Once we strip out the backpacking in the Sierras angle, all that's left is that she wants to relive the past with her ex-Dh, just as she claims her kids do. I don't have any advice on how you should advise her husband. I just wanted to clarify that point.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 13:32     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Anonymous wrote:I'm in the she should go camp. But, I think all the kids should go. Break baby away from his screen for a free days and suck it up. If the kid is this tough then the whole group of them need to go to family counseling and make him a priority over camping, tensions with the ex, or health problems! Leaving him home with the dad who is fuming his wife is it with her ex and the "enjoyable" kids is just bad parenting. Period.


Not really fair for the ex to have to deal with a kid he doesn't like on a trip that he planned for his own kids.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 13:31     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hell no, your friend going on this trip with her ex is very, very inappropriate. Apparently your friend wants to be a two time divorcee. She is basically asking to vacation with another man and not only that a man that she's had sex with before. I think this is dangerous territory.


+1. The fact that she is also leaving her son behind is unconscionable. Let her ex have his special trip alone with his daughters. They will see a side of him that they have never had a chance to before and it will strengthen their bond. Your friend needs to join a outdoor club.


I think she is leaving the new husband's son behind. Not her son. The new husband's daughter would tag along because she gets along with the wife's daughter.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 13:10     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Hmm, it happened in Parenthood. It was the catalyst for the exes on the camping trip to get back together.

But fictional tv shows aside, I think reasonable people can differ on whether to go on the trip. If they do go, however, it is very wrong to exclude 1/4 of the kids. It's not fair to say he wouldn't want to go without asking him. I wonder if this kind of treatment is part of the reason why he acts the way he does. If I were the parent or the stepparent, I would not allow this type of exclusion of one of my kids. And yeah, sometimes teens are difficult and annoying to be around. You know what? You love 'em anyway and you don't exclude him.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 13:09     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
I'm in the she should go camp. But, I think all the kids should go. Break baby away from his screen for a free days and suck it up. If the kid is this tough then the whole group of them need to go to family counseling and make him a priority over camping, tensions with the ex, or health problems! Leaving him home with the dad who is fuming his wife is it with her ex and the "enjoyable" kids is just bad parenting. Period.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 13:08     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think not inviting the other kid is inexcusable. How would that make him feel? That could damage him for life. One of the worst parenting moves ever. Abusive!
Now if he is invited and declines, totally different story.


OP again. I recall when this kid was younger a therapist told them not to allow him to manipulate a situation. If he acted up, the family should go on and do as they were. I think I heard her say that the ex has concerns that he might yell at the kid or hit him. She has been able to control him for short bursts. She can tell him to be on his best behavior for a two hour period, but this is a long trip. The girls apparently wanted to travel together since they are close. My friend has a boy and a girl by husband number 1 and a girl and boy by number 2.
I completely understand why second son would not be able to make it on a trip like this. Maybe they could use the "you're too young" excuse, even though he is bigger than his sister.
I think that my friend should go, and leave the youngest one at home. Her kids will remember this trip forever.


Unless a therapist is specifically saying that the kid should be excluded from this trip, the kid should be invited or the other child shouldn't be allowed to go. It is cruel to invite 3 out of 4 kids.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 13:06     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Anonymous wrote:Hell no, your friend going on this trip with her ex is very, very inappropriate. Apparently your friend wants to be a two time divorcee. She is basically asking to vacation with another man and not only that a man that she's had sex with before. I think this is dangerous territory.


+1. The fact that she is also leaving her son behind is unconscionable. Let her ex have his special trip alone with his daughters. They will see a side of him that they have never had a chance to before and it will strengthen their bond. Your friend needs to join a outdoor club.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 12:56     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Hell no, your friend going on this trip with her ex is very, very inappropriate. Apparently your friend wants to be a two time divorcee. She is basically asking to vacation with another man and not only that a man that she's had sex with before. I think this is dangerous territory.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 12:53     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Anonymous wrote:I think not inviting the other kid is inexcusable. How would that make him feel? That could damage him for life. One of the worst parenting moves ever. Abusive!
Now if he is invited and declines, totally different story.


OP again. I recall when this kid was younger a therapist told them not to allow him to manipulate a situation. If he acted up, the family should go on and do as they were. I think I heard her say that the ex has concerns that he might yell at the kid or hit him. She has been able to control him for short bursts. She can tell him to be on his best behavior for a two hour period, but this is a long trip. The girls apparently wanted to travel together since they are close. My friend has a boy and a girl by husband number 1 and a girl and boy by number 2.
I completely understand why second son would not be able to make it on a trip like this. Maybe they could use the "you're too young" excuse, even though he is bigger than his sister.
I think that my friend should go, and leave the youngest one at home. Her kids will remember this trip forever.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 12:36     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
I think not inviting the other kid is inexcusable. How would that make him feel? That could damage him for life. One of the worst parenting moves ever. Abusive!
Now if he is invited and declines, totally different story.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 12:30     Subject: Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Anonymous wrote:Does she want her second marriage to fail also? Really, can't she go on an organized camping trip to the Sierras with a group tour or something similar? If she's so excited about camping, can't she pull together a camping trip herself or with like-minded campers?

Excluding DH2 and troublesome kid are huge red flags! What kind of mom is she?

She needs help with the annoying kid -- does he have some sort of ASD issues? Really, no kid should be that annoying, and if he is, he needs treatment, therapy, etc. She should be focusing on that instead of going camping with ex.

The whole things sounds dysfunctional and very immature. If DH2 can't go camping, she needs to be more respectful about how he feels! No wonder her first marriage failed!!



If the kid's annoying, it probably means there are "ASD issues." Because there is no other reason a kid could be acting up, especially after a divorce and having a father that is clearly unable to parent.
Anonymous
Post 07/01/2015 09:52     Subject: Re:Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.
Anonymous wrote:My parents vacationed with us after their divorce. They got along pretty well and it was actually pretty fun to have both parents with us as a kid. We weren't confused about them not being together. We enjoyed the fact that they could get along well enough to have fun with us as a family, even if they weren't married. Your ex is part of your family, if you have kids with him or her. He/she is the parent of your children.


+1 I think this trumps all else. Having divorced parents can be a horrible experience or a decent one. If the parents can get along and successfully co-parent, it will be better for the kids now and in the future when they venture into their own relationships.