Anonymous wrote:Emotional affairs happen all the time ........ not really a big deal. Even the definition of what constitutes an emotional affair can vary.

There was someone at work that I really related to and we used to share lots of fairly intimate information about our respective lives. There was nothing physical although there certainly was attraction for me. But once we moved jobs, the closeness gradually diminished. We are still in touch with each other but not as close by any means.

Emotional affairs aren't a big deal? Lol lulz let's see what you do when your SO plays fuk fuk games on you. It isn't a big deal when YOU are the betraying party- it sucks giant dong when you are getting betrayed.

Geesh, the justification of cheaters: "It isn't a big deal!"

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to give DW an ultimatum.

Yep. "I betrayed you, had an affair, and now your sadness is really harshing my mellow. I am allowed to betray you, and then snap my fingers, and you must stop being upset because I say so! It's DEPRESSING!"

Also, if you wish to know more, google Linda J. MacDonald and how to help your spouse recover from your affair. You can download a word doc of her work that many people consider to be the gold standard to rebuilding your marriage.

If you cannot do these things, give your wife the respect of ending your marriage.

She didn't betray you, she is the wounded party. Any resentment or anger you feel toward her for being upended is indeed your causing.

Inconvenient, isn't it?

Emotional affairs are affairs, period. Some people have a deeper connection in an emotional affair than a one night stand or purely physical affair, and your wife has every right to be upset.

Recovery from an affair take 3-5 years, and the burden to reconcile is 60% on the cheater's part, and 40% on the wounded spouses part.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/articles.asp

I posted a link to a great source, the Healing Library, from a great website that you can use to heal your marriage.

Specifically:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp

What Every Ws- wayward Spouse- needs to know


http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/reconcile_musts.asp

What you must do to reconcile

etc

This is a great place to get info to heal your marriage.

If you cannot commit to the 3-5 year time frame, be totally honest with your spouse, and be ready to do 60% (at least) of the work, AND BE PATIENT while your spouse recovers from your cheating and betrayal, you should be honest with your spouse and divorce.

OP,

Trust is the glue of marriage. Maybe she thought the client was a woman. How long has it been since she found out about the EA? Maybe you are not handling this appropriately, maybe you expect her to forgive you all too easily? Just asking. It kind of seems that way. Things like an EA can tank a marriage. A lie about in-laws can tank a marriage.

What do you want? Do you want out? Maybe you do, and she senses that.

I think it would be productive in therapy to talk about how you communicate as a couple about this issue. I don't think that it's appropriate to send a text like "I don't think you're trying hard enough" to someone while they're on their way to work. That strikes me as kind of manipulative. If she felt that way and really needed to talk about it in the moment, why not mention it before you leave the house? Why not say that she wants to talk about what she needs from you, rather than just saying "You're not trying hard enough" and not providing any avenue to do better.

I think that the OP needs to give it more time, but I think it's also important to remember that people are not mind readers. It's not fair to require certain responses from your partner, not communicate those requirements and then punish them for failing to read your mind.

Your lady EA friend is 100% out of the picture, right?
Or someone you still run into (or more) at work, neighborhood, school, etc.?

Anonymous wrote:Here's my read: your post is all about you. How you can't stand being the same room, how you don't want to hear about it anymore blah blah blah.

I don't think you're showing very much concern for your wife's pain, which is probably why this isn't closed for her.

Unless she feels really really heard and understood and feels you're remorseful, she will not have peace - therefore you will not have peace.

I can't get over your whole post is about how you think the fallout of your bad decisions is lasting too long for your comfort. That's one of the most self centered, un-empathetic, non-compassionate things I've heard in a long time. you're a loser.

But based on what was written, do you feel like his wife is working towards relational repair, or just using this as justification to remain angry and isolated? None of us can say what either of them are like IRL, but from the one-sided perspective he gave, she's not helping. Yes, it's sucks that she's the aggrieved party and still has to do work to fix things, but that's life and love. Time frame aside, it does sound like she's actively trying to punish him, which won't help. Pl

The mass is long because your love is short.

The thing is, she can't help her feelings, right? We feel what we feel. She is still angry and resentful, and getting frustrated and angry back is just going to make those feelings worse.

I also don't think 6 months is very long to recover emotionally from things. She may still be in the depths of the feelings of betrayal and sadness and anger.

Seek counseling and try to validate each others feelings. You'll get through this.

Here's my read: your post is all about you. How you can't stand being the same room, how you don't want to hear about it anymore blah blah blah.

I don't think you're showing very much concern for your wife's pain, which is probably why this isn't closed for her.

Unless she feels really really heard and understood and feels you're remorseful, she will not have peace - therefore you will not have peace.

I can't get over your whole post is about how you think the fallout of your bad decisions is lasting too long for your comfort. That's one of the most self centered, un-empathetic, non-compassionate things I've heard in a long time. you're a loser.

I have to admit that, if it really was just an emotional affair, that she is being ridiculous. If you did not consummate the affair even though you were really close to the other woman, that proves that you still had love for your wife, even if you were having problems making the marriage work. I think she needs to recognize that, and work with you to find ways to make this marriage that both of you value work, instead of keeping it in a place where it is not working.

OP, I am a woman and I hear you. I stopped speaking to my best friend of 15 years over a refusal to actually forgive. Mind you, this was for something less serious than an EA, which made it even worse. But regardless, I think it is a huge failure of character to SAY that you will work to forgive someone and then refuse to actually do it. It's passive aggressive, it's childish, and it's small IMO. If you didn't have sex with someone, then to e this is something you could fix. Marriage is hard, and it's work. If she's no longer willing to do the work then she should just be honest and say so. If the tables were turned, and I were in your shoes, I would be making myself VERY clear - if you don't feel like you can ever forgive me and MOVE ON, them say so now, and I will move in by initiating divorce proceedings. It always takes two and it sounds like she is refusing to see her role in the continued deterioration if your relationship.

GL.

Sounds like she's milking an emotional affair for all it's worth. My husband and I have gone through patches where we are distant because we just aren't on the same page for whatever reason. I probably in those times would not even care if he had a close female friendship. There have been times I daresay I would not have cared if he had a physical affair, I have reached points of being that checked out. We always come back to a a good place but every marriage has those rough spots. Why is she so hung up in the "emotional affair"? It wasn't physical, right? She has to make the effort to move on as well. She can't linger forever in the "well you did x so I can be mad about y" or you'll never move past it. So she has to be willing to actually attempt to move on and let go of her ace card and not keep it in her back pocket to use against you when it's convenient.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you cheated on her and now you want to leave her because she's upset with you? You cannot be serious.

+1

You're an asshole. Hope she wipes you clean.

Ewwww.