I was like that or it's still like that. The ones without kids thought I was insane and too controlling to make sure my kid got home by 9pm-that's the standard in our house. Sleep at 9 not 8 or 7pm.

Now that they do have kids, I can see their kids are out of wacked on their schedule. The stay at home mom doesn't even get up until after 10am and the kid sleeps at random times of the day, eat at random times (if she even eats!). Takes naps in the early evening! Then the other SIL wakes up way too early at 7am. She does a lot but they still don't have a schedule with their kids. Still it's better than the other one. But, her kid has many allergies and food issues. Then my brother goes along with whatever the wife says=he has no say. They go visit her side of the family every weekend and we only see him about twice a year. They live in VA, not Ohio or CA.
And our single brother without kid looks at us and goes, that's why I don't have kids.

Anonymous wrote:You sound very difficult and want life to revolve around you.

NP here. I agree. I'm childless/childfree (however you want to spin it). But I'm not young and I'm not clueless. I don't expect other people to structure their lives around me, but the flip side to that is that I don't structure my life around them.

I have inlaws with kids, and they get nasty if we can't make some child-related thing. My husband and I work long hours and have grueling commutes. My husband also travels a lot for his work. So our schedules aren't flexible. Weekends are when I catch on things -- laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning. I get home late on weeknights.

But my inlaws with kids don't get it. They think because we don't have kids that we our time is not valuable. And they assume that because they decided to have kids and we did not that somehow we owe them our time, our money, our resources.

They NEVER call us on birthdays. They never call us or inquire about how we are or how things are going in our lives. But if we don't fawn all over their kids and shower them with gifts, they give us a guilt trip.

OP's relatives sound clueless, but OP sounds pretty clueless too. If OP doesn't communicate boundaries, then she can't complain. If I don't want to do something or can't, I say no. I don't care if people think I'm a killjoy. And if people with kids tell me they can't do something, I don't get all bent out of shape about it. People -- with kids and without -- have busy lives. It's not my place to tell someone how to spend their time, but I also vehemently protect my own time. It's a limited resource.

I think some of their expectations need a reality/responsibility check, like leaving the kids at home while they're asleep.

But some of the other stuff - like your wanting them to come to you instead of you taking the whole family to them - they're not going to get it, and if you try, they'll take it to mean that you think their life lacks meaning without children. It's true that it's cheaper and easier to fly one person who to see your family than to bring a family of four to see one person, but they don't care. My SIL is requesting the same, and while I don't appreciate that she's declined our offer for her to come out and see us, and then turned it around and is guilting DH to bring us all out there - I can't call her out on it. She has a life too and she's not able to come see us, but she wants to see us, so she thinks us coming to her is the natural alternative. Once she has kids of her own, she'll get it. Until then, I just have to appreciate what it looks like to her and try not to be annoyed.

Well, I'm just grateful that OP invented motherhood.

I wouldn't dream off changing any kid's diaper other than my children. I might cut their meat but would not feed them. You want childcare, hire a nanny.

Just because you have kids doesn't mean everything should revolve around you.

You shouldn't expect people you are not paying to do cramp work like changing diapers.

Anonymous wrote:You sound very difficult and want life to revolve around you.

+ 1. You thought aunts and uncles will share the responsibility to make sure your kids go potty when you were making these kids? Are you 14 or from a trailer park? Seriously...

I'm sure its annoying, BUT at least they take a very significant interest in your children's lives! And if they live out of state, its not like this is a daily occurrence for you. If they stay up a little late and eat a little more candy than normal on the weekends, they will be ok. =)

Anonymous wrote:
As to your last paragraph...don't be a martyr. People without kids don't think about kids' needs. They just don't. So, in the dinner situation that you describe above, you need to ask for specific help at the time you need it...as in, "I have to take Larla to the bathroom. Uncle Steve, can you cut Larlo's steak up in small pieces?" I can't imagine that Uncle Steve wouldn't help out in the moment. If he doesn't, only then do you have a legitimate complaint.

I agree. But you need to not expect those of us without kids to do everything exactly the way you do it. This is why I stopped even trying with my SIL. I would offer, but every thing I did wasn't done exactly right.

Uh they're probably joking when they suggest leaving the kids home alone. Your family members sound awful, always trying to include you and your kids in their lives!

Why are you saving up all the cleaning and stuff until the kids are in bed? That means you are still "on" getting all that straightened out after they go to bed. Get them used to playing while you clean and set things up in the evenings, etc, so that the last thing that anyone has to do is put the kids to bed. Then you can put your feet up and relax with a book or chat with your family when you are visiting them. No wonder you are frazzled and burnt out, you are not giving yourself any down time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your family members sound kind of stupid, honestly. I'm childfree, and I completely get how much harder everything is with a kid. I go to see my friends with kids 95% of the time (and I usually bring takeout). i let them choose the best times to get together, and I'm fine with it being pretty rare.

I mean, really - there are multiple people in your family who don't understand you can't leave sleeping children home alone? Maybe you just have a particularly irresponsible family?? Because this seems beyond being childless and more like being clueless to the entire world around them.

That said, your complaints about them not sticking around to help with the hard stuff... well, yeah, that's the benefit of not having kids. I don't think they should be expected to. Part of your post is about stupid expectations from your family without kids (totally understandable), but part of your post reads -to me- like a whine about why people aren't giving you special accommodation now that you're a MOMMYYYYY (Why shouldn't you be expected to equally participate in family events/gifts?).

I'm the oldest, so I've had to take on the role of the responsible one. It kind of sucks. I'm always the one at family gatherings helping out our parents with dishes, cooking, cleaning up, while the other siblings and cousins have fun. It's hard for me to see other older people working hard or struggling and just sit back and relax myself. It kind of creates a distance between me and my siblings/cousins, which I resent, but I think that's just part of being the oldest.

And it was a male sibling who thought I could leave a sleeping child at home. Not to excuse it, but guys really, really don't get it, especially before kids. DH was the same.

And yes, I know, I get the part where it's not their responsibility to help with the not-fun stuff with the kids. That's why I avoid asking, most of the time, and generally just try to include them in the fun stuff.

I also get that they are my kids, my responsibility - but at the same time, it just aggravates me that at a family dinner table of 8 people, not one offers to help out one mom who is clearly running around the entire time getting food for the kids, changing diapers, feeding the baby, taking the older child to the potty, cutting up food, cleaning up after them. And then, I am pressured to bring the kids out after dinner to "do something fun" and made fun of as having a pole up my butt for not wanting to!

As to your last paragraph...don't be a martyr. People without kids don't think about kids' needs. They just don't. So, in the dinner situation that you describe above, you need to ask for specific help at the time you need it...as in, "I have to take Larla to the bathroom. Uncle Steve, can you cut Larlo's steak up in small pieces?" I can't imagine that Uncle Steve wouldn't help out in the moment. If he doesn't, only then do you have a legitimate complaint.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you.

People getting annoyed by naps and bedtimes is very tiring.

Thanks. They are stupefied by the fact our infant goes to bed at 7 and our older goes to bed at 8. My siblings and cousins, we all grew up with no real schedule or naps. According to our parents, we stopped napping after age 1, and we went to bed the same time the adults did, around 9 or 10. Kind of the same deal with my inlaws to some extent.

It does sometimes make me wonder if kids will eventually adjust to getting less sleep??

There are cultures in which kids socialize with the adults until 11pm. But that's not for me. I like sex and I like breaking bad.

+10000

Besides, if you put your kids to bed at a reasonable hour, they won't have to nap their whole life! Win/win!

You're not being a jerk. It just comes along with this stage of life.

I used to roll my eyes when my sister wouldn't get a baby sitter so she could go out to dinner with me. I was annoyed that she wanted family dinners to be at an early 5pm so they could get the kids home and to bed after. I didn't understand why they didn't want to stay in the nicer (more expensive) hotel when we all went away together.

Aaaannnd..... now I insist on not going to a restaurant with the family any later than 6. I haven't had a proper date night out with a babysitter in almost a year. And we just planned a family vacation in a motel because daycare is friggin expensive and we can't afford the hotels we used to.

I get it. And I playfully begged my sister's forgiveness recently. I do my best to be flexible about schedules and things, but if the kids melt down after 7, the kids melt down after 7...can't really blame him for being tired. If the date night costs $60 before we even leave the house, there goes the nice restaurant I wanted to go to- I'm too tired to enjoy it half the time anyway. Just wait til your relatives have their first kid - they will be "perfect" FTMs and still not understand your ways - until they have toddlers or second children. And some will never have kids and will never understand or try to understand.

It's just life. It's ok to be frustrated. It's one of those times that you can remember to that you can't control how they are, only your reactions to them. Live your life and enjoy it and don't let them get you down.