Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think ignoring BILs Facebook messages (even if just an emoticon or a simple Hey) was rude, so I can see where he is coming from.

OP here- I would agree with you, but I do respond to about every third of them. When DH and I started dating, BIL would do it way more often, and the more I responded the more he emailed me (it was multiple times a week, and I'd only met him once at that point), so I had to stop responding to every one. I don't not respond to his "hellos" to be a bitch. That was a boundary I set early, and I didn't realize it was chaffing so badly several years later.

Are you viewing them - so he can tell they have been viewed, but not replying? I think that is slightly rude; I think many people think of it as a text - aka, if they know you got it , they expect a reply - even if only a smiley face.

NOT justifying that incredibly crazy behavior, just saying they may operate on different FB rules than you do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a bit hard to give advice on. That's partially because your post is so darned long. But the larger issue is that despite your post's length, there just seems to be something missing here. The way you tell the story, DH's family is just impossibly insane. I think we need to understand more of their perspective to even give you advice.

To be clear, I'm not saying they are right and you are wrong. It is just that this story is so insanely one-sided right now that there has to be some underlying thing missing that would cause three people to all come to the same apparently-batshit-crazy conclusion.

OP here. Yes, you're right, there is more (which is why my post was so very, very long). MIL has been married a number of times to abusive men, so the kids were all subjected to that when they were growing up (MIL has 5 kids). I have another BIL who has threatened suicide and we had to block phone contact with him (we do see him when we're in town) because he was calling in the middle of the night and leaving screaming voicemails, etc. (he's the twin brother of the BIL in my original post). DH and I both hate the thought of going through this again with more of his siblings.

So the family dynamic is very dysfunctional, but they, to their credit, know it, and are (I thought) very much trying to get back to a normal place. So I've been trying to work with that and be open to building relationships...and then this happens.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I think if it were me, I would probably send an e-mail to each of them separately that is something along the lines of as follows:

“I am really taken aback by your [e-mails/texts/etc.] I really like you, and thought that we had a good relationship. We don’t see each other as often as I would like, but we’ve only known each other for a few years, and I looked forward to our relationship growing over the rest of our lifetimes. I’ve tried to keep in touch as best I can while working, moving, and raising a baby, and have made an extra effort to make sure that you are a part of our child’s life.

I am offended and hurt by the way you’ve raised these issues with me. While I hear you say that you’re just trying to build your relationship with me, calling me things like [insert] is entirely out-of-line. I don’t think its fair, and it is also not productive. Insulting me is not a way to sustain a relationship with me or [DH]. What you said recently is not going to help us to become closer; it is going to set our relationship back. Frankly, I think you owe me an apology.”

After I send the e-mail, I’d try to avoid two opposite things:

First, don’t pull away and react incredibly harshly to them, or cut off all ties. You seem like you’re going to want them in your family’s life, for better or worse, so even though they were complete assholes, I wouldn’t lash out at them. It won’t be productive or make you feel much better, and it will convince them that some of what they said was correct.

Second, I also would try hard not to change my own behavior to reward their awful behavior. Keep up the updates and Facetime calls. Still offer to invite the niece over, etc. But don’t re-write our own boundaries in response to being bullied. Just live your life.

And thank DH for being so supportive!

P.S. I would not make your DH do the talking for you. They’ll just use that as evidence you are standoffish.

OP here. This is great advice, thank you. And I think you're right about the two "don't do's". They will totally take that as a "see, we were right about her!" The problem with the second "don't" is that what I was doing with the texts/face time etc was clearly not working in terms of giving them what they wanted. How do I continue the status quo, when they clearly want more/different, but I was giving all I could?

Rewarding bad behavior is not good advice. Seriously, you are just lining yourself up for more crap in the future. They have demonstrated they can't be pleased. You are not going to make them happy even doing more than you want...so cut back and don't worry about it. Frankly, it is in no way your job to meet their demands for a "close" relationship. It's DH's family--let them be his problem, not yours.

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I'm going to give a very simplistic response - but is it possible, that your ILs take FB messages very seriously? I don't, my ILs dont, but I have a few friends who have actually disowned family members over the type and frequency of FB communications. To them, it is very important. To most people, a FB chat or g-chat is just a "hey, if you have time - how are you?" but to some people out there, it is how to you stay in touch. So, it was no big deal to you when you didn't respond - to them, it was epic.

I can totally see how you're genuinely thinking this all came out of left field, but to them, you've been snubbing them for years and they're fed up with it. I'm more on your side, but I've heard the other side - and these people genuinely believe an ignored FB msg is a slight.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think ignoring BILs Facebook messages (even if just an emoticon or a simple Hey) was rude, so I can see where he is coming from.

OP here- I would agree with you, but I do respond to about every third of them. When DH and I started dating, BIL would do it way more often, and the more I responded the more he emailed me (it was multiple times a week, and I'd only met him once at that point), so I had to stop responding to every one. I don't not respond to his "hellos" to be a bitch. That was a boundary I set early, and I didn't realize it was chaffing so badly several years later.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I think if it were me, I would probably send an e-mail to each of them separately that is something along the lines of as follows:

“I am really taken aback by your [e-mails/texts/etc.] I really like you, and thought that we had a good relationship. We don’t see each other as often as I would like, but we’ve only known each other for a few years, and I looked forward to our relationship growing over the rest of our lifetimes. I’ve tried to keep in touch as best I can while working, moving, and raising a baby, and have made an extra effort to make sure that you are a part of our child’s life.

I am offended and hurt by the way you’ve raised these issues with me. While I hear you say that you’re just trying to build your relationship with me, calling me things like [insert] is entirely out-of-line. I don’t think its fair, and it is also not productive. Insulting me is not a way to sustain a relationship with me or [DH]. What you said recently is not going to help us to become closer; it is going to set our relationship back. Frankly, I think you owe me an apology.”

After I send the e-mail, I’d try to avoid two opposite things:

First, don’t pull away and react incredibly harshly to them, or cut off all ties. You seem like you’re going to want them in your family’s life, for better or worse, so even though they were complete assholes, I wouldn’t lash out at them. It won’t be productive or make you feel much better, and it will convince them that some of what they said was correct.

Second, I also would try hard not to change my own behavior to reward their awful behavior. Keep up the updates and Facetime calls. Still offer to invite the niece over, etc. But don’t re-write our own boundaries in response to being bullied. Just live your life.

And thank DH for being so supportive!

P.S. I would not make your DH do the talking for you. They’ll just use that as evidence you are standoffish.

OP here. This is great advice, thank you. And I think you're right about the two "don't do's". They will totally take that as a "see, we were right about her!" The problem with the second "don't" is that what I was doing with the texts/face time etc was clearly not working in terms of giving them what they wanted. How do I continue the status quo, when they clearly want more/different, but I was giving all I could?

Rewarding bad behavior is not good advice. Seriously, you are just lining yourself up for more crap in the future. They have demonstrated they can't be pleased. You are not going to make them happy even doing more than you want...so cut back and don't worry about it. Frankly, it is in no way your job to meet their demands for a "close" relationship. It's DH's family--let them be his problem, not yours.

Anonymous wrote:I would back the heck off after this. Take a break. Let DH give his family members a "What the heck? My wife does the best she can, she sends you photos, talks with you on the phone, now this? Are you crazy? She talks with you more than she talks to some of her closest friends for crying out loud. You are out of line, and you owe my wife an apology." See what they say to DH when he puts them on the spot for their behavior. If the apologize, great.

If not, just stop contact for awhile--not DH, but you. Continuing their normal level of contact isn't how you would respond to anyone else treating you this way, right? Don't get on the phone when DH calls, let DH be the one to send baby photos, don't arrange the beach house visit if that couple is the one who acted like this, possibly block them on Facebook for now.

Back off and let them realize how good they had it. Think about what you actually want based on this new information after several weeks and go from there.

Anonymous wrote:I would back the heck off after this. Take a break. Let DH give his family members a "What the heck? My wife does the best she can, she sends you photos, talks with you on the phone, now this? Are you crazy? She talks with you more than she talks to some of her closest friends for crying out loud. You are out of line, and you owe my wife an apology." See what they say to DH when he puts them on the spot for their behavior. If the apologize, great.

If not, just stop contact for awhile--not DH, but you. Continuing their normal level of contact isn't how you would respond to anyone else treating you this way, right? Don't get on the phone when DH calls, let DH be the one to send baby photos, don't arrange the beach house visit if that couple is the one who acted like this, possibly block them on Facebook for now.

Back off and let them realize how good they had it. Think about what you actually want based on this new information after several weeks and go from there.