OP, some of us actually have been there, and we're telling you to get help for yourself and to stop bailing her out because we've been there ourselves. You *are* enabling, and you *are* keeping her from hitting rock bottom so that she has a chance of realizing that she needs to stop drinking. You are coming from loving motivations here, give yourself credit for that, but you are complicit in her continuing to drink and drive at this point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried going to meetings? Al Anon.

Yes. I did not find them particularly useful and have sought private counseling because of the many insidious ways growing up with a person like this affects the way I am as a person. I have my life together, have worked really, really hard to make sure my kids have a stable, normal, happy home life, but growing up with someone like this fucks with you in ways you don't see for years. I am terrified of change because there was no stability growing up. I hate unexpected knocks at the door and will freeze in fear if I hear one. For years I would immediately go on edge if I heard the crack of a beer can opening. I have a hard time spending money because she was so irresponsible with it. It can be really hard to rewire yourself to not engage in this thinking.
Objectively, she deserves everything they throw at her.
Anyway, she's out. I spoke with her briefly. She blew a .17. She seems terrified of what happens next, which is understandable because it's going to be pretty bad. The only saving grace is that her three DUIs did not all occur within a 10 year time frame which in her state is when shit really hits the fan. Her last one was in 2001, so she might skate with some slightly less awful punishments (like still at least being able to drive to work only on a suspended license).One DUI, let alone three, is inexcusable. But personally, it is very hard to sit by and know your mom is about to really go through some bad shit. There's not really a good path out of this one.

Oh good. So she'll still have a legal driver's license when she kills someone. OP, she needs the book thrown at her. She NEEDS to be locked up for everyone else's safety. I think it's sad that you are relieved that she might have an easier time of it. You're right, growing up like this really has messed with you. You need help too.

I'm sure it's very easy to say that when it isn't your loved one facing a catastrophic series of events. I know she deserves them. It's my MOM. Not really easy to be happy about it. And she has no safety net - parents are dead, no spouse, no siblings. It's on me to worry about this while she goes through it. I'm also sad for my younger sibling who is going through the same stuff I did growing up. It's difficult. I'm glad for you you don't know what it feels like.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried going to meetings? Al Anon.

Yes. I did not find them particularly useful and have sought private counseling because of the many insidious ways growing up with a person like this affects the way I am as a person. I have my life together, have worked really, really hard to make sure my kids have a stable, normal, happy home life, but growing up with someone like this fucks with you in ways you don't see for years. I am terrified of change because there was no stability growing up. I hate unexpected knocks at the door and will freeze in fear if I hear one. For years I would immediately go on edge if I heard the crack of a beer can opening. I have a hard time spending money because she was so irresponsible with it. It can be really hard to rewire yourself to not engage in this thinking.
Objectively, she deserves everything they throw at her.
Anyway, she's out. I spoke with her briefly. She blew a .17. She seems terrified of what happens next, which is understandable because it's going to be pretty bad. The only saving grace is that her three DUIs did not all occur within a 10 year time frame which in her state is when shit really hits the fan. Her last one was in 2001, so she might skate with some slightly less awful punishments (like still at least being able to drive to work only on a suspended license).One DUI, let alone three, is inexcusable. But personally, it is very hard to sit by and know your mom is about to really go through some bad shit. There's not really a good path out of this one.

Oh good. So she'll still have a legal driver's license when she kills someone. OP, she needs the book thrown at her. She NEEDS to be locked up for everyone else's safety. I think it's sad that you are relieved that she might have an easier time of it. You're right, growing up like this really has messed with you. You need help too.

I'm sure it's very easy to say that when it isn't your loved one facing a catastrophic series of events. I know she deserves them. It's my MOM. Not really easy to be happy about it. And she has no safety net - parents are dead, no spouse, no siblings. It's on me to worry about this while she goes through it. I'm also sad for my younger sibling who is going through the same stuff I did growing up. It's difficult. I'm glad for you you don't know what it feels like.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure she gets her meds. Otherwise she can stay in jail. Maybe that's what's needed for her to start the road to recovery.

Now if the jail won't give her meds then you will have to bail her out. But she needs AA or something of that nature.

I already bailed her out for the sole reason of ensuring she gets her meds. I did not think jail would be able to give them to her. She is out. She tried AA after her rehab stint. Lasted a couple months and then she felt she was "better" and was fine to drink again. I have been dealing with this shit my whole life, since I was a kid. No negative effects ever register with her. She's been divorced three times because of the role alcohol plays in her relationships. She's 51 and still doing this stuff... I just think she's a lost cause.

Maybe after sobering up she might need anxiety or depression meds to keep her from drinking again?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure she gets her meds. Otherwise she can stay in jail. Maybe that's what's needed for her to start the road to recovery.

Now if the jail won't give her meds then you will have to bail her out. But she needs AA or something of that nature.

I already bailed her out for the sole reason of ensuring she gets her meds. I did not think jail would be able to give them to her. She is out. She tried AA after her rehab stint. Lasted a couple months and then she felt she was "better" and was fine to drink again. I have been dealing with this shit my whole life, since I was a kid. No negative effects ever register with her. She's been divorced three times because of the role alcohol plays in her relationships. She's 51 and still doing this stuff... I just think she's a lost cause.

Anonymous wrote:11:19 back again

I can't say I'm surprised that a jail would refuse to administer meds, but that's awful. Yes they've made a choice that put them in there, but refusing what could be life saving medication is just wrong. I'm all for removing rights and I think jail and prison is too cushy.. but medication shouldn't be with held. They can have tv but not meds? Something is wrong there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried going to meetings? Al Anon.

Yes. I did not find them particularly useful and have sought private counseling because of the many insidious ways growing up with a person like this affects the way I am as a person. I have my life together, have worked really, really hard to make sure my kids have a stable, normal, happy home life, but growing up with someone like this fucks with you in ways you don't see for years. I am terrified of change because there was no stability growing up. I hate unexpected knocks at the door and will freeze in fear if I hear one. For years I would immediately go on edge if I heard the crack of a beer can opening. I have a hard time spending money because she was so irresponsible with it. It can be really hard to rewire yourself to not engage in this thinking.
Objectively, she deserves everything they throw at her.
Anyway, she's out. I spoke with her briefly. She blew a .17. She seems terrified of what happens next, which is understandable because it's going to be pretty bad. The only saving grace is that her three DUIs did not all occur within a 10 year time frame which in her state is when shit really hits the fan. Her last one was in 2001, so she might skate with some slightly less awful punishments (like still at least being able to drive to work only on a suspended license).One DUI, let alone three, is inexcusable. But personally, it is very hard to sit by and know your mom is about to really go through some bad shit. There's not really a good path out of this one.

Oh good. So she'll still have a legal driver's license when she kills someone. OP, she needs the book thrown at her. She NEEDS to be locked up for everyone else's safety. I think it's sad that you are relieved that she might have an easier time of it. You're right, growing up like this really has messed with you. You need help too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried going to meetings? Al Anon.

Yes. I did not find them particularly useful and have sought private counseling because of the many insidious ways growing up with a person like this affects the way I am as a person. I have my life together, have worked really, really hard to make sure my kids have a stable, normal, happy home life, but growing up with someone like this fucks with you in ways you don't see for years. I am terrified of change because there was no stability growing up. I hate unexpected knocks at the door and will freeze in fear if I hear one. For years I would immediately go on edge if I heard the crack of a beer can opening. I have a hard time spending money because she was so irresponsible with it. It can be really hard to rewire yourself to not engage in this thinking.
Objectively, she deserves everything they throw at her.
Anyway, she's out. I spoke with her briefly. She blew a .17. She seems terrified of what happens next, which is understandable because it's going to be pretty bad. The only saving grace is that her three DUIs did not all occur within a 10 year time frame which in her state is when shit really hits the fan. Her last one was in 2001, so she might skate with some slightly less awful punishments (like still at least being able to drive to work only on a suspended license).One DUI, let alone three, is inexcusable. But personally, it is very hard to sit by and know your mom is about to really go through some bad shit. There's not really a good path out of this one.

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried going to meetings? Al Anon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure she gets her meds. Otherwise she can stay in jail. Maybe that's what's needed for her to start the road to recovery.

Now if the jail won't give her meds then you will have to bail her out. But she needs AA or something of that nature.

I already bailed her out for the sole reason of ensuring she gets her meds. I did not think jail would be able to give them to her. She is out. She tried AA after her rehab stint. Lasted a couple months and then she felt she was "better" and was fine to drink again. I have been dealing with this shit my whole life, since I was a kid. No negative effects ever register with her. She's been divorced three times because of the role alcohol plays in her relationships. She's 51 and still doing this stuff... I just think she's a lost cause.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the "right" answer was to leave her but I couldn't. She takes a daily medication she will withdraw from if she doesn't get her dose today and the consequences that come now are bad enough. I just wanted her out so she could start figuring her shit out.

Sadly the only "shit" she is going to figure out is how to get her next drink.

And they will give inmates medication in jail. Every day if they need it. Local Jail isn't prison. Sure it's not a good place but it's not like those super max documentaries or even orange is the new black.