Anonymous
Post 06/15/2015 09:41     Subject: Re:would this possession of money offend you?
OP - I'm still not clear about the offended part. So, now you don't consider her family? Since the money is (technically) coming from her, that makes it "more a loan than borrowing from "family""

First, "borrowing" means "a loan" so let's get that part straight.
Second, you are insulting your SIL by not considering her "family" so if anyone should be offended, it's her (and your brother) NOT you.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2015 09:29     Subject: would this possession of money offend you?
Anonymous wrote:My siblings and I have decided to each pitch in 12k and pay off my parents mortgage. This would enable my dad to retire which is needed because of his declining health. My parents paid for all 4 of us to go to college and paid for our weddings so we all feel like this is our opportunity to pay them back. My sister in law has a decent amount of money from a tech start up she was apart of over 15 years ago and this makes my brother and her the wealthiest of us siblings. I am "borrowing" 6k from them and will pay them back when I can. This means I am giving 6k and they will give 18k to even out the proportions. I told my brother "hey thanks I appreciate this."and he said this: "No problem but don't thank me thank SIL its her money that enables us to do this!". I was kind of taken aback and light heartedly said "ya well its your money since you're married."and he pushed back "ummm well I didn't know SIL in 1998 so this is most definitely her money." and kinda laughed it off. I was really offended he would make it a gift from "her" and not "them". It makes me feel like Im taking out a loan vs borrowing from family. Am I right to be offended?


No, you aren't right to be offended. It IS a loan that you need to pay back. Honestly, you have no idea what type of discussion (argument!) they had about this arrangement. It sounds like your brother is trying to really let you know you need to pay back the money since it wasn't his. You aren't "borrowing". You are borrowing, and you need to pay it back.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2015 09:26     Subject: would this possession of money offend you?
You are offended because he is correctly and kindly attributing HER money to HER?
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2015 08:46     Subject: would this possession of money offend you?
I wouldn't be offended, but if that's how they deal with their finances, then it is "her" money. As long as you plan on paying it back, there shouldn't be a problem.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2015 08:32     Subject: would this possession of money offend you?
I recommend a personal finance class, as you clearly don't have enough savings and don't know how money should be kept. Your brother and his wife do. They are dealing with it in the same way that all of my financially stable relatives have. The money they earn while together is joint. The money that one brings into the relationship, either through earlier earnings or inheritance is that of the person. Yet, if there are financial issues, it should be shared. Your sister-in-law has money and is willing to use it to help your/her family. You should thank you. To judge her is only to demonstrate your own ignorance.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2015 08:29     Subject: would this possession of money offend you?
Anonymous wrote:OP, you can't be "offended" when it's you who are borrowing money.

It doesn't matter what you think. You are not a fully invested member of this scheme. You are not fully respected. Get off your high horse. It doesn't matter how your brother phrases sentences.

Frankly I think "this plan" of siblings helping Das by giving money they don have (YOU don't have) will be the end of any civility between siblings.


I know, I laughed at OP's phrasing. There she is, hat in hand, and *she* is offended? By the financial setup in her brother's marriage?

Seriously?
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2015 08:28     Subject: would this possession of money offend you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He is right, it is her money and not her mom. You should be thanking both of them, especially her. Personally I'd never take a loan from family nor would I agree to something I cannot afford.


+1

I inherited money from my mom. She left it to me, not to DH and me. It is my money, not our money.
l

Wow. Just, wow.

Why?
I wish I had $$$$ of my own to spend as I please. I would have sent our kids to private schools in colleges. As it stands, they are destined for public colleges (which are great in VA, but I wish they didn't have to be so constrained in their choice).
I would also have helped out my sibling or at least opened an account for their kid's education. If I wanted to do this now, my spouse would argue and try to prevent me from doing that.


PP who inherited money here. That is exactly my approach. I am not a spendthrift, but from time to time stuff happens and I want to spend money on it without needing to be in sync with DH. The private college example is a good one, because without my mom's money, we can afford in-state MD public schools (plus a little more), but not private ones. If we can pull it off by me dipping into my mom's money, that would be great.

Beyond that, I have seen a couple of ugly divorce situations with my sister and a friend, sufficient to make me want to have my own resources beyond our joint ones. (I do work and in fact, make most of the HHI.) I don't think our marriage will end, but who does? My mom worked very hard for this money - I'm going to be as careful with it as she was.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2015 08:23     Subject: would this possession of money offend you?
First and foremost, you're getting the money to assist your Dad retire. That's the most important part of this post IMO!

Now, you can pretend that it's your brother's money if it makes you feel better about it. You can always go get your own loan from a bank and pay interest on it if it makes you feel any better about it.

I would feel a sense of honor if one of my siblings' other half felt comfortable enough with me to borrow that kind of money. Just sayin'.....
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2015 20:29     Subject: would this possession of money offend you?
OP, you can't be "offended" when it's you who are borrowing money.

It doesn't matter what you think. You are not a fully invested member of this scheme. You are not fully respected. Get off your high horse. It doesn't matter how your brother phrases sentences.

Frankly I think "this plan" of siblings helping Das by giving money they don have (YOU don't have) will be the end of any civility between siblings.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2015 20:15     Subject: would this possession of money offend you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He is right, it is her money and not her mom. You should be thanking both of them, especially her. Personally I'd never take a loan from family nor would I agree to something I cannot afford.


+1

I inherited money from my mom. She left it to me, not to DH and me. It is my money, not our money.
l

Wow. Just, wow.

Why?
I wish I had $$$$ of my own to spend as I please. I would have sent our kids to private schools in colleges. As it stands, they are destined for public colleges (which are great in VA, but I wish they didn't have to be so constrained in their choice).
I would also have helped out my sibling or at least opened an account for their kid's education. If I wanted to do this now, my spouse would argue and try to prevent me from doing that.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2015 20:02     Subject: would this possession of money offend you?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He is right, it is her money and not her mom. You should be thanking both of them, especially her. Personally I'd never take a loan from family nor would I agree to something I cannot afford.


+1

I inherited money from my mom. She left it to me, not to DH and me. It is my money, not our money.
l

Wow. Just, wow.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2015 19:55     Subject: Re:would this possession of money offend you?
Anonymous wrote:People get offended over the stupidest things these days. Sometimes I wonder if people even remember what the word "offended" means.

No, I would not be offended. I would thank my SIL for lending me her money so I could do something for my father.



+1
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2015 19:54     Subject: would this possession of money offend you?
He's right and you shouldn't have pushed back like that.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2015 18:58     Subject: would this possession of money offend you?
Im like your SIL. During my senior year of college I helped develop an app. It certainly wasnt "eff you" money but I have a good amount of extra money. DH considers it my money, which actually bugs me. Its the money we use for expensive extras, charity, and to help family andd friends and I hate that DH feels like he has to.ask to dip into it. That money will be mine if we ever divorce. DH is not irresponsible with money and would never go out and buy a new car just because he could. But it still irritates me when he calls it "my money".

so for all you know, your SIL may hate that your brothee said that to you. Either way, you should be expressing thanks to her and not just your brother.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2015 18:57     Subject: would this possession of money offend you?
OP, are you the youngest child?