OP, you couldbe my SIL. My MIL is just like this and pulls the exact same kinds of stunts. I, of course, am the dreadful DIL and my family is just a bunch or rotten bums. I feel for you as I've seens my husband struggle with his mom (and dad) for years. My best advice is to stick with your sibling - back eachother up, strategize about ways to diffuse her attempts at guilt and manipulation. It will give you both strength and help you both get out of the guilt cycle. I also think it's a good idea to keepi contact short and sweet when she's trying to attack. These are a few things that have helped DH and his siblings.

Anonymous wrote:Oh believe me, I've been clear and decisive.

She loves to rewrite history. She will completely pretend conversations didn't happen. Or you will agree upon something and a week later I'll get a call criticizing me for something I apparently didn't do, didn't do when she wanted or how she wanted and when I remind her of the conversation she claims we never talked about it or not about it that way. It's total BS.

I have seriously marveled at the incredible amount of drama she can create. Without her I live a drama free life - it's wonderful. My Mom, however, has a Facebook battle with someone just about every other week or wants to complain about some lady in her bridge group or about my sibiling. She tries to get me to criticize my inlaws. She criticizes my sibling's inlaws. It just never stops. Several of her life-long friends have stopped talking to her and cut her off.

If I had a sister, I'd swear you're describing my mom, right down to the weekly Facebook battles which she proudly tells me about (there's a reason I won't accept her friend request). I feel you. I just spent 4 days with my parents for my brother's wedding and spent 3.9 of those days trying not to stab her. She's just so infuriating, always having to be right, making stuff up left and right, criticizing everyone and anyone, on and on. It's exhausting to deal with her, so 99% of the time, I just don't. And, yes, she' gets mad at me, but I'm finally at a point where I just shrug it off and say "not my circus." Sorry I don't have any better advice than that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be stupid and cheerful. Just because she sends you a ticket for a guilt trip doesn't mean you have to go along for the ride.

Her: "I can't believe you're not coming for Father's Day!"

You: "I know, right? Bummer the move is that week. We'll see you in July!"

Her: "Not coming says it all"

You:"Yep, says we've got alot of packing to do! See you in July!"

Don't take the guilt trip!

This won't work. NP here but have the same mother as OP - exactly the same issues, including the constant complaining about other family members, siblings' inlaws, etc. This type of person will NOT go for the "stupid and cheerful" responses. I get in big trouble when i try this technique. The explaining/defending/justifying routine does not work either. NOTHING works. This is another person's disorder, you cannot change another person. Unfortunately when you can no longer put up with it, the relationship is likely to die. I am not at that point yet with my mom but the relationship has been "ill" for quite some time.
I realize my post is not particularly helpful, but i really just wanted to express empathy and sympathy. OP you are not alone and i am sorry i know it completely sucks to have this kind of mother. I hope and pray i don't turn into this myself someday.

You are right. It won't work if your goal is to change your mom's behavior. It will work if you want to change your own behavior.

Hey,

My dad passed away and my mom is like that.

I have to say that I do NOT regret Father's Dayd or birthdayd I spent apart from him, because my relationship with him, while imperfect, was between him and me.
Her desire to have sticky finger prints all over it was resisted.

When he was dying, we talked about his relationship with her (as a person who required care and empathy) and he felt like he was letting her down for not being who she wanted him to be (essentially, immortal).

I found myself explaining to him that I learned along the way I could not make her happy by checking off boxes on her tally sheet, and neither could he, BUT, he was a good person who accomplished a lot in spite of that burden.

Don't fall into the trap, drink the Kool Aid, dance on quicksand, whatever.

You could say, "I wish things were different, but yeah, we can't make it. I have a plan to do something special for him, though." Then don't tell her what it is and send a little card or note.

His expectations are probably different than yours. In spite of what Dr. Phil says, you can't teach people how to treat you (because they won't change) but you will become a little more calloused with practice, in a good way.

GOOD LUCK HON.

You can't fix this because you didn't break it.

<hugs>

Anonymous wrote:You are acting like your mom - very over dramatic and creating drama where none exists. In regards to her last text, no reply or guilt is needed. I will second the DWIL board on baby center. A lot of crazies but also a lot of good advice.

OP doesn't need the judgment that she's 'acting like [her] mom....." She needed a place to vent and concrete feedback on possible responses. You give that in the last 3 sentences of your post. Why was it necessary to make a categorical statement that almost immediately sends OP to a defensive posture?

Good luck, OP. I have a mom who's just like this and who pushes every button she can find. Someone told me once that in the face of a borderline personality like my mom's (and it sounds like your mom's) the best you can do is treat it like a hurricane: batten down the hatches, get out of the way, and once it's over, just move on as best you can.

Hugs, OP. I understand what you're going through. Glad you've got some perspective on this.

BTW - I have to say I'm surprised this has gone on for 3 pages and a harpy hasn't come on to scold you 'you've only got one mother and you'll be sorry when she's gone!'.

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure she's well? People who get angry a lot often have medical reasons for being this way. You seem pretty normal, so I'm surprised you have such strange parents. Maybe they didn't used to be as bad.

OP here,

Thank you for all the support. I really do appreciate it and hope that those of us in similar situations can support one another and help figure out how to stay sane with this kind of parent.

My Mom and I have clashed since I was a teen. When I was young, the "injustice" of everything with her really bothered me. There was no way to be rational or logical...and as a kid nothing ever made sense or was "fair". It was very frustrating. As an adult, I went away to college - that gave me a lot of perspective on what's right and not right about my Mom's behavior. After college I lived at home for a short time that didn't work and then moved away - my moving away enraged my Mom and she still is angry about it to this day - 20 years later!

I just have never connected with my Mom because of all the drama and conflict. I went through a long period as an adult where I really tried hard to make the relationship work, to try and give her the kind of relationship she wants to have with her daughter, but I just can't...I stopped trying. I've been pulling back for years. Having my own family and child has help put that relationship into perspective and my husband is very supportive of me with regard to her. She won't do or say anything to me when he is present, so she clearly can control herself...just chooses not to.

Anyway, I see her behavior with others, her losing relationships, her constant anger or dislike of/judging others and know that it's not me. My sibling has the same problems with her.

I've just been trying to keep her at arms length, visit when it makes sense and just do my own life otherwise.

Anonymous wrote:Be stupid and cheerful. Just because she sends you a ticket for a guilt trip doesn't mean you have to go along for the ride.

Her: "I can't believe you're not coming for Father's Day!"

You: "I know, right? Bummer the move is that week. We'll see you in July!"

Her: "Not coming says it all"

You:"Yep, says we've got alot of packing to do! See you in July!"

Don't take the guilt trip!

This won't work. NP here but have the same mother as OP - exactly the same issues, including the constant complaining about other family members, siblings' inlaws, etc. This type of person will NOT go for the "stupid and cheerful" responses. I get in big trouble when i try this technique. The explaining/defending/justifying routine does not work either. NOTHING works. This is another person's disorder, you cannot change another person. Unfortunately when you can no longer put up with it, the relationship is likely to die. I am not at that point yet with my mom but the relationship has been "ill" for quite some time.
I realize my post is not particularly helpful, but i really just wanted to express empathy and sympathy. OP you are not alone and i am sorry i know it completely sucks to have this kind of mother. I hope and pray i don't turn into this myself someday.

(And before you accuse me of parental cruelty, I'm busy and tired and will talk to her tonight when I have more time, I have a report I need to finish and if I just talk to her for five minutes like I have to look at DCUM while I drink a cup of coffee, she'll get offended when I have to get back to my report.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here -- oh, and then that pisses me off for a few days so I screen her calls for a day or two, then when I get un-mad enough to pick up the phone she invariably answers with "YOU'RE ALIVE!!!!" Then I want to screen her calls again and wish I hadn't.

PP you are a willing participant in this sickness. Do you plan to change how you handle this?

I don't mean to hijack OP's thread but I'm taking suggestions. I've handled it a wide variety of ways in the past, from an annoyed "of course I'm alive. what do you want?" to laughing at her to silent pause and asking her about the weather after suitable wait to imply I think that's ridiculous. She's still answering with "YOU'RE ALIVE!!!" and since I haven't answered the phone in two days since she pulled the weepy scene described above, I'm sure I'll get another opportunity soon. She'll called three times today without leaving a message.

Are you sure she's well? People who get angry a lot often have medical reasons for being this way. You seem pretty normal, so I'm surprised you have such strange parents. Maybe they didn't used to be as bad.

OP here.

I really do appreciate the helpful posts here. I agree with a lot of what's been said and I have used many of these tactics in the past - but not consistently. I'm going to work on that.

At this point in my life I talk with her maybe 2x per week - which she HATES. You can feel the anger seething beneath the surface when I do talk with her on the phone.

The worse she behaves the more I pull back. She doesn't get it though, so as I pull back the more angry/anxious/nasty she gets, so I pull back even more.

For your amusement, I will share that when she texted the "not coming says it all" I responded with "LOL" She then texted "Wow, remind us to laugh the next time your feelings are hurt." Which I read and then really did laugh out loud.

I learned a LONG time ago that I can't trust my Mother with any personal information (it gets thrown back in your face later) and would never share any real feelings or problems with her. She knows NOTHING about my everyday life on purpose - I live this far away for a reason. I actively chose to not live near her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. My mom is exactly the same. Except then she calls me and cries. About how I've ruined everything and she didn't mean to make me feel bad but she's just SO DISAPPOINTED. weep, sob. OMG, it makes me want to stab myself.

PP you need to laugh in your mom's face when she pulls that nonsense.

+1

Or just say, "I've ruined everything? Okay then, I guess I better hang up. I've got a lot more stuff to ruin and this conversation is taking up too much of my time!"

Seriously, she just wants you to grovel at her feet. Blow her off instead by laughing at her and/or agreeing that you are the worst person ever and the world is likely to stop spinning because of how terrible you are. I mean, c'mon, she's being SO RIDICULOUS that you can't NOT laugh at it. It won't change your mom but hopefully it'll change your perspective on her behavior.

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, I've been very clear about when we can visit. When you try to lay guilt on me about it, it makes me not want to visit at all. You can either just enjoy the times I can visit and we can have a good relationship or you can harp on me for not visiting enough and we won't have a good relationship. That's really up to you."

+1
Say point blank that when she texts/talks to you like this it makes you not want to come at all.

Anonymous wrote:PP here -- oh, and then that pisses me off for a few days so I screen her calls for a day or two, then when I get un-mad enough to pick up the phone she invariably answers with "YOU'RE ALIVE!!!!" Then I want to screen her calls again and wish I hadn't.

Response: "Of course I'm alive mom. Are you?"