Anonymous
06/05/2015 10:15
Subject: In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
I think I understand this, because my husband is from this kind of culture, and there's a lot of pressure in this matter. OP got caught up in a fantasy. In the culture she describes, it's an idealized notion and an obligation to have parents live with grown children and their families. All one big happy family, right? Except reality gets in the way. Some people should simply not live together. My husband feels terrible that we can't have his parent live with us, but because of personalities involved, it would be like fire setting up house with gasoline.
Plus everyone feels the guilt because long-suffering MIL still suffers. Her culture and personality let her stand by and take the abuse of her husband, and watch her child be abused. She'll never change, and she's just waiting for him to die.
OP's husband sounds like he's been working on setting boundaries, and she has no idea how hard that must be for him, because to set the boundaries that keep his father out, he has to hurt his mom. His father will be punishing his mother forever. But it's his mother's choice.
That doesn't mean you should have the man living that close to you, of course. You have to think of what's best for your husband, you, your kid(s). And tell MIL she's always welcome if she wants a refuge.
Plus everyone feels the guilt because long-suffering MIL still suffers. Her culture and personality let her stand by and take the abuse of her husband, and watch her child be abused. She'll never change, and she's just waiting for him to die.
OP's husband sounds like he's been working on setting boundaries, and she has no idea how hard that must be for him, because to set the boundaries that keep his father out, he has to hurt his mom. His father will be punishing his mother forever. But it's his mother's choice.
That doesn't mean you should have the man living that close to you, of course. You have to think of what's best for your husband, you, your kid(s). And tell MIL she's always welcome if she wants a refuge.
Anonymous
06/05/2015 10:02
Subject: Re:In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
Anonymous wrote:OP here...we are not that far in the process. The contract for the land was ratified yesterday. We have not signed a building contract. DH and I are the only ones on the land contract since my ILs said they would just give us the portion of the money needed to buy the land and construct. Most of our money is in equity from our current house and the reason the land owners accepted our offer is because we are paying cash. So unless we sell our current house within 30 days we can't come up with the cash. Our original plan was to build more equity in our current house and sell it in 3 years and then buy the land and construct the house while living in a rental. However, 4 weeks ago, out of the blue, my ILs came up with this living arrangement idea. We told them no originally but they asked us to just see if there is land available. We thought we wouldn't find anything but the lot that we had been eyeing just so happen to be on the market. They said go for it and we did not think deeply about the arrangement before we put in an offer on the land. I was never given a reason for why FIL didn't like me. I suspect it is because I am much more assertive than my MIL and DH. I won't try to appease him in order to keep peace in the house. He comes from a background where the woman listens to the man and the children listen to the parents no matter what. I was raised to always do what I feel is right. MIL is trying to convince us to proceed with the arrangement and hope that he dies soon (in her words, he won't live for another 10 years since he is in poor health so how much harm can he do to our DC).
It's been my experience that the miserable mean people somehow live forever and make everyone miserable in the process. I've seen it happen with my great granparents. Don't count on him bying unless you MIL is planning to do something to hasten the process. I have a similar FIL (and I think I am similar to you in that I don't put up with any of his shit) and while I am counting the days till he dies (horrible but true) there is no way I'd ever agree to this even for the most amazing house/land/schools possible. Not.even.worth.it. Give up the land. Take nothing from this crazy controling man.
Anonymous
06/05/2015 09:57
Subject: In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
OP, these posts just piss me off.
You MUST back out. It's 100% clear. It's unpleasant, but clear, and no online forum or anyone else is going to tell you otherwise. Put your big girl pants on and stand up for your family. If oyur FIL is in such bad health, MIL can come live with you after he's dead. You'll worry about that then.
Don't post any more excuses. Don't spend your time chickening out -- the rest of your life and your children's lives will be misery if you can't get yourself together. Go do what you need to do now. Call your lawyer, get out of the deal. Write FIL and MIL a letter saying this won't work. Be done.
100% done.
You MUST back out. It's 100% clear. It's unpleasant, but clear, and no online forum or anyone else is going to tell you otherwise. Put your big girl pants on and stand up for your family. If oyur FIL is in such bad health, MIL can come live with you after he's dead. You'll worry about that then.
Don't post any more excuses. Don't spend your time chickening out -- the rest of your life and your children's lives will be misery if you can't get yourself together. Go do what you need to do now. Call your lawyer, get out of the deal. Write FIL and MIL a letter saying this won't work. Be done.
100% done.
Anonymous
06/05/2015 09:37
Subject: In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
This is a no-brainer but for some reason you are asking for advice online. You have three pages of people telling you to back out, but since you haven't already, maybe there's something you aren't saying?
I imagine if you backed out, you would be the one to tell them, you would take the blame, the abuse, the hate....right?
Well you either do it now or live with FIL and take the daily dose of abuse.
What are you really looking for on this forum? Advice on how to live with them? Different locks on the doors, weekly therapy sessions, shared lawn care? Do you think any of this is going to work??
I imagine if you backed out, you would be the one to tell them, you would take the blame, the abuse, the hate....right?
Well you either do it now or live with FIL and take the daily dose of abuse.
What are you really looking for on this forum? Advice on how to live with them? Different locks on the doors, weekly therapy sessions, shared lawn care? Do you think any of this is going to work??
Anonymous
06/05/2015 09:24
Subject: Re:In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
Anonymous wrote:OP here...we are not that far in the process. The contract for the land was ratified yesterday. We have not signed a building contract. DH and I are the only ones on the land contract since my ILs said they would just give us the portion of the money needed to buy the land and construct. Most of our money is in equity from our current house and the reason the land owners accepted our offer is because we are paying cash. So unless we sell our current house within 30 days we can't come up with the cash. Our original plan was to build more equity in our current house and sell it in 3 years and then buy the land and construct the house while living in a rental. However, 4 weeks ago, out of the blue, my ILs came up with this living arrangement idea. We told them no originally but they asked us to just see if there is land available. We thought we wouldn't find anything but the lot that we had been eyeing just so happen to be on the market. They said go for it and we did not think deeply about the arrangement before we put in an offer on the land. I was never given a reason for why FIL didn't like me. I suspect it is because I am much more assertive than my MIL and DH. I won't try to appease him in order to keep peace in the house. He comes from a background where the woman listens to the man and the children listen to the parents no matter what. I was raised to always do what I feel is right. MIL is trying to convince us to proceed with the arrangement and hope that he dies soon (in her words, he won't live for another 10 years since he is in poor health so how much harm can he do to our DC).
OP, stop explaining further. It's still completely incomprehensible to me that you let your greed for this land get in the way of protecting your family from this man. STOP THE DEAL NOW. Get out of it now. Just say things fell through and leave them at that. There is absolutely no justification for having this man live with your family.
Anonymous
06/05/2015 08:28
Subject: Re:In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
Looks like you FIL is really manipulate too. Your FIL is willing to pay big bucks to live closer to your DH to abuse him all of the time. Is that worth it for you guys? Do you want your kids to think that abuse is normal behavior? Your FIL sounds like my mom. I would not move within 5 miles of her if she built me a mansion. DON'T DO IT!!! Their hurt feelings now will be easier to deal with than emotional abuse that you can not escape. Read a book about setting healthy boundaries.
Anonymous
06/05/2015 08:26
Subject: Re:In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
OP No house, no land in the world is worth what you are getting into.
Anonymous
06/05/2015 08:23
Subject: In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
Why does the guest house have to be "attached"? Would a detached separate guest house work better for you?
How close would you be comfortable living to your in-laws - in the same house, on the same property but separately, next door, on the same street, in the same neighborhood, in the same town, in the same state, on the same coast, in the same country? Figure that out for yourself first. Don't expect your in-laws to be able to read your mind because they can't.
How close would you be comfortable living to your in-laws - in the same house, on the same property but separately, next door, on the same street, in the same neighborhood, in the same town, in the same state, on the same coast, in the same country? Figure that out for yourself first. Don't expect your in-laws to be able to read your mind because they can't.
Anonymous
06/05/2015 08:15
Subject: In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
OP you're acting like this is all happening TO you rather than realizing you are actively taking a role in what is happening. It sounds like you had a plan in place but that a month ago your in laws brought up this living arrangement. YOU decided to look into it and YOU found the piece of land you liked. You even went to your in laws and they told you to go ahead with it, even offering you money towards the purchase of the land and future build. YOU went ahead with it knowing full well how you got to this point.
I agree with all prior PP's that you should back out of the deal. If you don't back out of the deal however, you need to fulfill your end of the bargain.
I agree with all prior PP's that you should back out of the deal. If you don't back out of the deal however, you need to fulfill your end of the bargain.
Anonymous
06/05/2015 05:14
Subject: In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
I think you get off on this drama, OP. Otherwise how could you go through with signing this deal? You've had multiple points to stop this land purchase, yet you continued on knowing exactly who your in-laws are. You talk about how assertive you are, yet you said nothing to stop this. It's no surprise to you how your in-laws act. You weren't tricked. No one put a gun to your head.
IF you choose not to get out of this deal, then you forfeit the right to complain about your in-laws. Moving forward with this deal means you accept the situation as it is with your in-laws.
IF you choose not to get out of this deal, then you forfeit the right to complain about your in-laws. Moving forward with this deal means you accept the situation as it is with your in-laws.
Anonymous
06/05/2015 04:33
Subject: Re:In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think it would be such a gift for your kids to have grandparents close by. I grew up in a culture where families were dysfunctional and polarized. Sounds like FIL is a PIA...but he's your PIA. It would be such a gift to your children if you could figure this out.
WTF are you smoking? OP said FIL is verbally abusive and demeans her DH (the children's father). How is that a great "gift" for the kids?
The real question is what OP has been smoking.
Anonymous
06/05/2015 04:20
Subject: Re:In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
OP here...we are not that far in the process. The contract for the land was ratified yesterday. We have not signed a building contract. DH and I are the only ones on the land contract since my ILs said they would just give us the portion of the money needed to buy the land and construct. Most of our money is in equity from our current house and the reason the land owners accepted our offer is because we are paying cash. So unless we sell our current house within 30 days we can't come up with the cash. Our original plan was to build more equity in our current house and sell it in 3 years and then buy the land and construct the house while living in a rental. However, 4 weeks ago, out of the blue, my ILs came up with this living arrangement idea. We told them no originally but they asked us to just see if there is land available. We thought we wouldn't find anything but the lot that we had been eyeing just so happen to be on the market. They said go for it and we did not think deeply about the arrangement before we put in an offer on the land. I was never given a reason for why FIL didn't like me. I suspect it is because I am much more assertive than my MIL and DH. I won't try to appease him in order to keep peace in the house. He comes from a background where the woman listens to the man and the children listen to the parents no matter what. I was raised to always do what I feel is right. MIL is trying to convince us to proceed with the arrangement and hope that he dies soon (in her words, he won't live for another 10 years since he is in poor health so how much harm can he do to our DC).
Anonymous
06/05/2015 00:57
Subject: Re:In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
Anonymous wrote:OP here...thanks for all the advice. The guilt trip of telling them that we don't want to do this and the impact to my MIL is what is keeping us from just saying no this second. I don't think this is a good idea and throughout all this I felt like I was being rushed into an arrangement. However, my DH is feeling horrible right now. BTW...My son is almost 1.5 and we plan on having another child. The builder told us in Montgomery County you can build a guest house with kitchen as long as the houses are attached so we will have to share a common wall or a breezeway.
Dealing with the fallout of backing out now and the guilt you have over it is far better than dealing with the long term ramifications of living with them.
Anonymous
06/04/2015 23:28
Subject: Re:In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
NOW
we can't stand my FIL
Sounds like you are the one with the problem personality
Anonymous
06/04/2015 23:08
Subject: In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.
So you did in fact agree to this arrangement. The contract with the builder then must have your, your husband's, your FIL, and MIL's signatures? If not did you have a separate contract with IL's? Most likely some money will be lost if the contract with the builder is cancelled. I've been in a similar spot... My IL's wanted us to live large and up to their standards so they bought a 5,000 sq ft house as a surprise then asked us to purchase it from them. We were thrilled and agreed. It took longer to sell our house for the down payment and there was the tiny problem that my mother and I co owned and shared that house. When my IL's found out my mother would be on the deed to the new house they refused to sell to us but said she could still live there. Needless to say the deal was off. My husband and I took the high road and continued to treat them well but nonetheless other opposing views popped up years later and we are now free of their expectations. Regardless you can mend the relationship if you try but it might just be a symptom of a larger problem. Good luck. Do what is right for your family and you will be able to live with yourself.