OP here: Thanks for the suggestions everyone!

Anonymous wrote:OP here: if I do decide to broach a relationship discussion with her, does anyone have any ideas of how I could casually bring it up?
I tend to get anxious and then blurt things out that are not diplomatic or open ended.

Would this work: "you will be leaving for your program soon! How are you feeling about the trip you and BF are going to be taking afterward?"

Is that too blunt?

1. Realize that she will make her own mistakes, and that's a good thing. If you thought this guy was abusive or horrible in some way, you would have a responsibility to tell her, but it sounds like she is smart and responsible and he is okay. Let them work it out.

2. Do some work around your anxiety and communication skills. Anxious blurting is really stressful for the people on the receiving end of your statements, and that style of communication can erode relationships. You want to have a better way before the grandkids start coming.

Anonymous wrote:I'm 34 and guys rarely picked me up, because it wasn't practical given where we lived. Young people don't just joyride around like they used to.

OP and PPs, he may or may not be making an effort. But the driving doesn't prove anything. Try to find out if he's making an effort in other ways (like, say, traveling to visit her on vacation).

Frankly, OP, your daughter is likely much safer driving herself, so be glad for that.

This. I'm 48 and guys rarely picked me up in college. High school, maybe. I can barely remember that far back. Grad school, no. Picking someone up isn't necessarily indicative of interest or commitment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you mean that they should both confine themselves to traditional gender roles, where he's the gallant gentleman who picks her up and drops her off in his car?

Perhaps you pine for that, but they clearly don't have that relationship. They're young, casual and modern. Don't ever criticize him! Be smarter than that. You can say something nice about him in front of her, then reminisce about your husband and how he would come pick you up and hold the car door open for you, and show his affection in a myriad of little ways like that. I guarantee some of it will stick.

This post is ridiculous. Mom you are right. If he's interested, he'd be coming over. For whoever reason your daughter is sort of chasing him. Not
Good, but I don't know if you can talk to her. I thought my sister and I were close, and I tried to talk to her about her boyfriend - well they are married now and we don't talk about much of anything anymore.

This post is ridiculous. You're both wrong. Meeting someone is not chasing them, at all. It's probably just easier for them, or maybe BF doesn't like the parents. Or vice versa. Or neither. Now please teleport back to 1958.

OP, it's possible that her plan to have him go on vacation with her might be because she is trying to find out how serious he is about their relationship. Maybe she feels the vibe that he's "just not that into her" and that he takes their relationship for granted, and maybe she expects a vacation to give them time alone together to figure out whether this is going somewhere.

I am not in the "butt out no matter what" camp. There is nothing controlling about talking like an adult with your adult child unless you do it with the intent to control her actions. It sounds like you just hope she will go into this with her eyes and mind open; you're not telling her to ditch this guy or the trip.

I would bet that you have more reasons for suspecting he's not very committed than just the who-drives-on-dates question that is fixating some people who are posting. While I would not tell her to ditch him, and wouldn't badmouth him, I would want to ask my own daughter, "How is the planning for the vacation with Bill going?" and simply go from there based on how she responds.

Just make sure she's on birth control. Other than that, butt out.

OP, what bothers you about this guy other than not picking her up for dates? Because, honestly, there's just no reason to think that's a big deal if it isn't important to her. It probably hasn't even crossed her mind that that's a thing.

Feel free to talk about it and tell her your reservations. It will likely only push them together.

I wouldn't be at all concerned about who picks up who or who meet who where for dates, though. Does he treat her well otherwise?

Mom,
Thanks for your concern. Thank you for wanting to protect me and not see me hurt. But no matter how you ask me, I'm going to take it like you are butting in and trying to control me. I'm trying to become the woman I'm meant to become. That means I have to live my life, take some chances and maybe get hurt. But don't worry. I'll be okay. You raised me to be a strong woman. I know you are there for me and will let you know when I need help or advice. Until then, it's time to let go. You've done your job helping me to grow up. Now I need to do mine and fly away.
--Love, Your Daughter.

I just question ...

Don't impede. Don't promote

Has she asked your opinion? Unless she asks you, it is not your place to comment.

However, You also should have no role to help this to happen - - are you paying?
Any of it, or arranging it, or involved in any way?
This vacation together should be all-on-them. If it happens, it happens. If it goes well, it goes well - - or it doesn't go well - - and she learns something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: if I do decide to broach a relationship discussion with her, does anyone have any ideas of how I could casually bring it up?
I tend to get anxious and then blurt things out that are not diplomatic or open ended.

Would this work: "you will be leaving for your program soon! How are you feeling about the trip you and BF are going to be taking afterward?"

Is that too blunt?

You need to focus on the bigger picture here -- does your daughter seem happy with him? Is she acting like her usual self? Is there anything about the way she is acting that is giving you red flags about her emotional state? If the answers are yes, yes, and no, there is no place for you to get involved here. If the answers are something else, then you address it from that angle -- is everything okay? You don't really seem like yourself lately, is something going on? That gets to her emotional state, how she feels about the relationship, and lets you support her without attacking him. Just telling her that you think he's a bad guy because he doesn't pick her up will alienate her.

And if she is happy, acting like her usual self and doesn't seem upset about the driving situation, you keep your mouth shut unless/until that changes, because if your daughter is emotionally healthy and happy, there is zero reason to get involved and upset that.

+1. my sister is with a POS. she is an adult and there is nothing we can do, she need to realize it by herself. my mother though could not keep her mouth shut, after some pretty egregious behavior by the guy my mother went to war, napalm bombing style. the result is that my sister defended the guy, deluded herself that the guy has changed and so on. ironically, my mom was his best ally. your DD is young, she may be more into him than him into her, so what, they will eventually break up. if you say something you risk that your DD will become defensive, dig in and overall you will be making things worse. she is an adult. barring outright abuse, leave her alone. she will live and learn, like everybody.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: if I do decide to broach a relationship discussion with her, does anyone have any ideas of how I could casually bring it up?
I tend to get anxious and then blurt things out that are not diplomatic or open ended.

Would this work: "you will be leaving for your program soon! How are you feeling about the trip you and BF are going to be taking afterward?"

Is that too blunt?

You need to focus on the bigger picture here -- does your daughter seem happy with him? Is she acting like her usual self? Is there anything about the way she is acting that is giving you red flags about her emotional state? If the answers are yes, yes, and no, there is no place for you to get involved here. If the answers are something else, then you address it from that angle -- is everything okay? You don't really seem like yourself lately, is something going on? That gets to her emotional state, how she feels about the relationship, and lets you support her without attacking him. Just telling her that you think he's a bad guy because he doesn't pick her up will alienate her.

And if she is happy, acting like her usual self and doesn't seem upset about the driving situation, you keep your mouth shut unless/until that changes, because if your daughter is emotionally healthy and happy, there is zero reason to get involved and upset that.

I get the feeling of you approach the subject at all, you'll find yourself with your foot stuck firmly in your mouth. Stay out of it!!!!

OP here: if I do decide to broach a relationship discussion with her, does anyone have any ideas of how I could casually bring it up?
I tend to get anxious and then blurt things out that are not diplomatic or open ended.

Would this work: "you will be leaving for your program soon! How are you feeling about the trip you and BF are going to be taking afterward?"

Is that too blunt?