Nope. Don't contact her. Don't verify. Until she tells you something directly, you have not heard it.

I would amend this to say that until she or your DH says something, you have not heard it. I agree with the PP who said you don't have an MIL problem, you have a DH problem. Your problem is that you think you're thinking this is your responsiblity. It's not. It's your DH's. If he didn't discuss the plan with you ahead of time then you are only responsible for those things you would do when your MIL is not visiting. If your MIL stays at home all day because you're working, then that's the way it is. Remove emotion from your response and put on your mask of obliviousness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps your DH wants to see his mother and that is why he has no issue. I actually think you are out of line. If my DH tried to prevent my mother from visiting I would be pissed with him. However I do not expect my Dh to entertain my mom and your Dh shouldn't expect you to either.

I agree with this - my DH and I have a deal that we don't veto either of our parent's visiting (this does not include other family members) - no questions asked. But that also means that it is up to the child to entertain/deal with their parent(s). I would never tell my DH or his mom that she couldn't come to our home - but I would for sure go about my business if the time was inconvenient. Don't take off work, don't change your plans, don't cook special meals (DO cook enough for her to eat if you are cooking).

However, this is something *that we have already discussed*.

Also, are you sure that she didn't talk to your DH and book the tickets? Just buying the tickets and not speaking to either of you is one thing, but talking to your DH about it and not you is something different. I honestly don't think she SHOULD have to talk to you to come visit her son and grandchildren. But that means that she can't expect anything from you either. No special meals, no taking off work, no driving her around, etc.

Do you mean that the mother is in the clear if she checked with her son? Then I agree--if Son told her that the trip was fine, it's not on her to follow-up and verify that with DIL. But I do think that parents (and kids) need to check before making plans to travel to see someone, even if that someone is close family who would always welcome them. People may have other plans, a given week might be expecially hectic or stressful, etc. It's just basic good manners to make sure that the timing of your visit is convenient for your hosts.

PP here, and yes, I feel that if she talked to her son, and he said it was fine to come on X date or around X time, MIL should be in the clear.

Again, I stress that if she hasn't spoken to the OP, she can expect NOTHING except civility. If OP has a busy week, say so. If OP has plans with her friends, breeze on out and tell her that she can order takeout from one of the menus in the kitchen. If OP is working from home, tell MIL, "Oh, I am soooo busy this week, but deadlines are deadlines" and hole up in your home office. OP should cook what she normally cooks (but just some extra). If that is Pizza Hut, so be it.

I think, more than anything, OP has a problem with her husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I can't say we we won't be home and if I do this will cause a huge fight with DH. I'm not willing to let this women become a source of contention between my husband and I. I'm thinking of making her take a blue shuttle and leaving her at the house all day. Is this mean?

The source of contention wouldn't be his mother, it would be his unwillingness to respect your needs. It's up to you whether that's a battle you want to fight, but it would be for me.

OP here. Couldn't agree more. I've expressed this point when he says stupid things like, "why do you hate my mother?" She however is not without blame. I am so frustrated by the whole situation, DH not respecting my position that I should be consulted before someone deceits they are going to stay with us, the fact that to him it's just s mom and that women who has offended me in so many ways I'd love to just tell her how I felt about her. However, I have to play this game her way and I'm looking for suggestions.

Well why do you hate his mother? Is it just a personality conflict or is she really mean to you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I can't say we we won't be home and if I do this will cause a huge fight with DH. I'm not willing to let this women become a source of contention between my husband and I. I'm thinking of making her take a blue shuttle and leaving her at the house all day. Is this mean?

The source of contention wouldn't be his mother, it would be his unwillingness to respect your needs. It's up to you whether that's a battle you want to fight, but it would be for me.

OP here. Couldn't agree more. I've expressed this point when he says stupid things like, "why do you hate my mother?" She however is not without blame. I am so frustrated by the whole situation, DH not respecting my position that I should be consulted before someone deceits they are going to stay with us, the fact that to him it's just s mom and that women who has offended me in so many ways I'd love to just tell her how I felt about her. However, I have to play this game her way and I'm looking for suggestions.

Oh you have a husband problem, a big one. There are a million ways to figure out compromises on the visit schedule, but you and DH need counseling to figure out why he does not respect your feelings. Is he afraid of his mom? Is he afraid that she will withold love if he does not do exactly what she wants? It could be his reacting from immature and unhealthy emotional patterns with his mom and is not actively/deliberately trying to disrespect you, it is just the collateral damage when he is unconsciously trying to protect himself. The end result is the same to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps your DH wants to see his mother and that is why he has no issue. I actually think you are out of line. If my DH tried to prevent my mother from visiting I would be pissed with him. However I do not expect my Dh to entertain my mom and your Dh shouldn't expect you to either.

I agree with this - my DH and I have a deal that we don't veto either of our parent's visiting (this does not include other family members) - no questions asked. But that also means that it is up to the child to entertain/deal with their parent(s). I would never tell my DH or his mom that she couldn't come to our home - but I would for sure go about my business if the time was inconvenient. Don't take off work, don't change your plans, don't cook special meals (DO cook enough for her to eat if you are cooking).

However, this is something *that we have already discussed*.

Also, are you sure that she didn't talk to your DH and book the tickets? Just buying the tickets and not speaking to either of you is one thing, but talking to your DH about it and not you is something different. I honestly don't think she SHOULD have to talk to you to come visit her son and grandchildren. But that means that she can't expect anything from you either. No special meals, no taking off work, no driving her around, etc.

Do you mean that the mother is in the clear if she checked with her son? Then I agree--if Son told her that the trip was fine, it's not on her to follow-up and verify that with DIL. But I do think that parents (and kids) need to check before making plans to travel to see someone, even if that someone is close family who would always welcome them. People may have other plans, a given week might be expecially hectic or stressful, etc. It's just basic good manners to make sure that the timing of your visit is convenient for your hosts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I can't say we we won't be home and if I do this will cause a huge fight with DH. I'm not willing to let this women become a source of contention between my husband and I. I'm thinking of making her take a blue shuttle and leaving her at the house all day. Is this mean?

The source of contention wouldn't be his mother, it would be his unwillingness to respect your needs. It's up to you whether that's a battle you want to fight, but it would be for me.

OP here. Couldn't agree more. I've expressed this point when he says stupid things like, "why do you hate my mother?" She however is not without blame. I am so frustrated by the whole situation, DH not respecting my position that I should be consulted before someone deceits they are going to stay with us, the fact that to him it's just s mom and that women who has offended me in so many ways I'd love to just tell her how I felt about her. However, I have to play this game her way and I'm looking for suggestions.

How often does MIL visit? And for how long?
Does she expect to be waited upon or is self sufficient after she arrives?

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps your DH wants to see his mother and that is why he has no issue. I actually think you are out of line. If my DH tried to prevent my mother from visiting I would be pissed with him. However I do not expect my Dh to entertain my mom and your Dh shouldn't expect you to either.

I agree with this - my DH and I have a deal that we don't veto either of our parent's visiting (this does not include other family members) - no questions asked. But that also means that it is up to the child to entertain/deal with their parent(s). I would never tell my DH or his mom that she couldn't come to our home - but I would for sure go about my business if the time was inconvenient. Don't take off work, don't change your plans, don't cook special meals (DO cook enough for her to eat if you are cooking).

However, this is something *that we have already discussed*.

Also, are you sure that she didn't talk to your DH and book the tickets? Just buying the tickets and not speaking to either of you is one thing, but talking to your DH about it and not you is something different. I honestly don't think she SHOULD have to talk to you to come visit her son and grandchildren. But that means that she can't expect anything from you either. No special meals, no taking off work, no driving her around, etc.

Perhaps your DH wants to see his mother and that is why he has no issue. I actually think you are out of line. If my DH tried to prevent my mother from visiting I would be pissed with him. However I do not expect my Dh to entertain my mom and your Dh shouldn't expect you to either.