Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Harden my heart? I hear you, I really do, but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. I'm not particularly good at stoicism. And I don't care so much for me, but I care for my son. I can take it. But when you hurt my kid, you hurt me.

OP - I'll give you some cheery news. DH has what was then called ADD - didn't like ritalin and stopped using it. Highly successful in his field. I just have to be more alert and work harder at getting things done than the average spouse. DC no. 1 we thought had ADHD, turned out much later to be Aspergers/ADHD/Anxiety (that's not the cheery story). But DC no. 2 got the ADHD diagnosis and we moved to a SN school for ADHD kids where DD succeeded beyond our wildest dreams. Did the standard retesting every three years. Guess what? Earlier testers were wrong, DC no. 2 doesn't have ADHD. Yes, some exec. function issues, but no ADHD. Note that DC no. 1's diagnosis changed too. This may not be a permanent diagnosis. Just remember to keep testing every three years and use different testers each time. Your child is young. Much will change. And boys get the diagnosis far more often and quicker than girls. They may have it wrong. Also change psychiatrists or psychologist or counselors freely if you don't think the treatment is working. There are a lot of nuts out there who have been attracted to this relatively young field and suck us parents dry. You know your child better than the therapists. If something doesn't feel right to you, move on. Ask for help a lot on this board. Usually you will get good, kind recommendations on SN. Jeff tries to keep it snark free. I wish I had had access to it 15 years ago when we started down this road.

Is there a school specifically for ADHD children in the DC area? Things at home are starting to get out of control and I'm debating whether to stay home or switch to private with a smaller class. He is getting lost in public school with such large class sizes and comes home many days barely absorbing anything. We aren't rich, but would like to look at different options for him.

Anonymous wrote:Harden my heart? I hear you, I really do, but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. I'm not particularly good at stoicism. And I don't care so much for me, but I care for my son. I can take it. But when you hurt my kid, you hurt me.

OP - I'll give you some cheery news. DH has what was then called ADD - didn't like ritalin and stopped using it. Highly successful in his field. I just have to be more alert and work harder at getting things done than the average spouse. DC no. 1 we thought had ADHD, turned out much later to be Aspergers/ADHD/Anxiety (that's not the cheery story). But DC no. 2 got the ADHD diagnosis and we moved to a SN school for ADHD kids where DD succeeded beyond our wildest dreams. Did the standard retesting every three years. Guess what? Earlier testers were wrong, DC no. 2 doesn't have ADHD. Yes, some exec. function issues, but no ADHD. Note that DC no. 1's diagnosis changed too. This may not be a permanent diagnosis. Just remember to keep testing every three years and use different testers each time. Your child is young. Much will change. And boys get the diagnosis far more often and quicker than girls. They may have it wrong. Also change psychiatrists or psychologist or counselors freely if you don't think the treatment is working. There are a lot of nuts out there who have been attracted to this relatively young field and suck us parents dry. You know your child better than the therapists. If something doesn't feel right to you, move on. Ask for help a lot on this board. Usually you will get good, kind recommendations on SN. Jeff tries to keep it snark free. I wish I had had access to it 15 years ago when we started down this road.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- If you child has already started medication and his behavior is still the same on meds as off meds, perhaps it is time to try something else. My son's behavior was like night and day once he started meds. The impulsiveness, the constant talking, the inability to sit still and the combativeness about everything nearly went away completely on meds. He is so much more himself rather than his symptoms now. I would talk to the doctor about changing meds if his behavior has not improved.

Not OP, but my 6yo just started medication this weekend. Are you saying we should be seeing behavioral improvements this soon? It was the weekend, and a rather exciting weekend at that, and he seemed about the same to me. How long do we wait?

I posted before. My son takes Vyvanse and his doctor said the medicine should start working right away. He started on half of the lowest dose and I noticed a slight improvement the first few days. When he went up to 20mg, everyone noticed right away. I don't know what medication your child is one but ask the pediatrician how long he should take it before noticing anything. The doctor said that with Vyvanse, once my son's appetite was affected, that was probably the correct dosage. He was right.

At what age did he start?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- If you child has already started medication and his behavior is still the same on meds as off meds, perhaps it is time to try something else. My son's behavior was like night and day once he started meds. The impulsiveness, the constant talking, the inability to sit still and the combativeness about everything nearly went away completely on meds. He is so much more himself rather than his symptoms now. I would talk to the doctor about changing meds if his behavior has not improved.

Not OP, but my 6yo just started medication this weekend. Are you saying we should be seeing behavioral improvements this soon? It was the weekend, and a rather exciting weekend at that, and he seemed about the same to me. How long do we wait?

I posted before. My son takes Vyvanse and his doctor said the medicine should start working right away. He started on half of the lowest dose and I noticed a slight improvement the first few days. When he went up to 20mg, everyone noticed right away. I don't know what medication your child is one but ask the pediatrician how long he should take it before noticing anything. The doctor said that with Vyvanse, once my son's appetite was affected, that was probably the correct dosage. He was right.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20:41, thank you. We have an excellent psychologist working with him on skill building. I agree, as does she, that medication alone is not the answer.

20:41 here-- Maybe this isn't your dilemma at all, but I found it easier to parent my son when I accepted his challenges. I'm not doing it perfectly, but I think our earlier battles happened, in part, because I was anxious about his behavior and eventual diagnosis. Now, I know why he does what he does, but I can also look back and see the strides he has made.

I think too, that I am more flexible in how I approach situations. I know that my job is to teach him coping skills and self-monitoring, and as I get better at this parenting thing, my actions for the most part, reflect the big picture.

Not sure if someone mentioned this to you, but try Ross Greene's "The Explosive Child" and "Lost at School." I had difficulty embracing his philosophy until I realized that traditional discipline often doesn't work (and can make things worse) for my son.

How do you deal with other parents? With teachers? I am already tired of my child being labeled a "brat." He is far from a brat. He is a very caring child and he is fully aware that he can't control himself. When he does something wrong he is immediately remorseful. We are working to get the help and support we need for him and for us. It is so hard to see him struggle, and other adults are often judgmental and mean, both to him and to my husband and I as parents. You can feel the weight of it. "Why don't they control that kid? Why don't they discipline him? If I were his parent I would [fill in the blank.]" Or whatever other sanctimonious thoughts you can see going on behind their eyes.

I have some friends whose children have special needs-- ADHD, HFA, etc. I talk to them and get perspectives.

We try to avoid judgmental people when we can. It's not always possible, and sometimes I do get angry especially when there is unaddressed bullying. I think when our kids are involved in controversy, there can (not always) be a tendency to prematurely place blame. I think it's because they regularly experience social bullying or contribute to situations that spiral out of control because they don't know how to walk away. Teachers get tired of it, and our kids don't always have the words to advocate for and defend themselves. At our school, my son will perceive something as unfair or incorrect. He comes across as argumentative when he is trying to defend himself, and gets in trouble for arguing--the original situation (maybe another kid broke the rules of a game or instigated a scenario to spin up my overreactive son) is never addressed. Social skills therapy, and yes, medication if it's severe helps with skill building and impulse control. The only permanent way to help our kids is building social skills. There will always be a bully or a crappy adult or a teacher who just wants our kids out of their hair.

I don't worry about other adults. I'm a mama bear, and I've gone through a lot to raise my son and meet his needs. I still have a lot ahead of me. Carrying a flailing, shrieking, biting kid out of the mall has made me less sensitive to people who don't get it. Try to find other parents who have kids with ADHD or other needs. They get it and you can decompress together while your kids play.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, yes. And the judgments from teachers--don't get me started. Despite years of work on a 504 plan, then a BIP, then an IEP, the teachers still write/call about how "Larlo needs to focus." And the ones who just don't believe that there is such a thing as ADHD? They are out there, and more common than you might think.

We made a practice of writing letters and having meetings at the beginning of the school year outlining our kid's challenges. And asking above all that teachers not take it personally when our kid displays some of the challenging behaviors associated with ADHD and anxiety.

A key piece of advice: do not assume that the formal processes (504/IEP) at your school will translate into awareness on the classroom teacher's part. Inform, inform--and inform again.

Yes, I feel like a broken record. I am aware that my son needs to focus. I feel like I am going to scream if I get asked one more time if I've addressed it with him. Seriously? You think I'm not aware? That I don't have to deal with it at home too? It's like they think I can just say some magic words and POOF! I wish.

I have to say I was once one of those people who doubted ADHD. I had the class and presence of mind to never say it out loud and tried hard not to judge others. Now that I live with it daily, I know it is real. I watch my kid struggle, hard, to behave the way he knows he's supposed to. I see him swallow his hurt for being corrected constantly. I've heard him apologize more times than I can count. I've dealt with him tell me he is "bad." And I've had to check my own urge to tell judgmental parents and teachers to go eff themselves and to learn how to have some compassion and understanding for others.

Unfortunately, our kids do not come with a sign that tells others of their disability. What they should have at school is a 504 Plan/IEP to give teachers an explanation of their strengths, weaknesses, goals/objectives (IEP), and accommodations. The reality is that the public school system falls short when teachers do not familiarize themselves with the entire document. You also come across individuals that have their own bias and prejudgments about children with ADHD on top of their lack of understanding about your child's individual needs and the 504/IEP is not fully implemented.

My child has been struggling with this problem from middle school to high school. She has several teachers that do not believe ADHD is a disability and they have done things detrimental to my child's self esteem and created barriers to learning that her IEP was supposed to protect her from. One teacher actually thought her method was better and chose to ignore the IEP.

How to manage - try to educate teachers on the 504/IEP, remind the school team that positive reinforcement (5 praises for every 1 negative) is a best teaching practice, have your child keep a copy in his/her notebook for reference, and train your child on how to advocate for his/her needs. For my child, her tutor with a masters in Special Education worked on these skills.

When an issue is repeated over and over again, correspond with the teacher via email then ask for an IEP meeting - even if your child has a 504 plan. Bring the emails to the IEP meeting. Talk about the problems the teacher is having and write a goal or objective for the IEP. Your child is not a "bad" child but needs individualized instruction via special education services to teach better habits and behavior. These are LIFE SKILLS that not only have an impact in the classroom (your child's learning and the learning of others) but also is needed beyond school. Your child needs to learn these skills for greater independence and less reliance and teachers and staff to bring his behavior in line with classroom expectations.

Anonymous wrote:Are your kids on medication for the ADHD?

I'm not sure which poster you're asking - there's a few of us!
Mine, we tried but getting him to take pills everyday was too much. Starting off the morning with a fight is never good. It also upset his stomach. And after 3 weeks, there wasn't a big enough improvement to justify the daily drama. I did try blending the capsule contents in smoothies, but he hated that too.
We also did not want him to feel like he "had" to have drugs to behave/pay attention/focus. He does well enough academically that I am not concerned (yet). He doesn't finish all his projects, but his spelling, reading, and math are all above grade level. His handwriting is... Bad. But he has learned cursive and actually prefers it to standard. His cursive is one of the best in his class (his standard is the absolute worst).

Are your kids on medication for the ADHD?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, yes. And the judgments from teachers--don't get me started. Despite years of work on a 504 plan, then a BIP, then an IEP, the teachers still write/call about how "Larlo needs to focus." And the ones who just don't believe that there is such a thing as ADHD? They are out there, and more common than you might think.

We made a practice of writing letters and having meetings at the beginning of the school year outlining our kid's challenges. And asking above all that teachers not take it personally when our kid displays some of the challenging behaviors associated with ADHD and anxiety.

A key piece of advice: do not assume that the formal processes (504/IEP) at your school will translate into awareness on the classroom teacher's part. Inform, inform--and inform again.

Yes, I feel like a broken record. I am aware that my son needs to focus. I feel like I am going to scream if I get asked one more time if I've addressed it with him. Seriously? You think I'm not aware? That I don't have to deal with it at home too? It's like they think I can just say some magic words and POOF! I wish.

I have to say I was once one of those people who doubted ADHD. I had the class and presence of mind to never say it out loud and tried hard not to judge others. Now that I live with it daily, I know it is real. I watch my kid struggle, hard, to behave the way he knows he's supposed to. I see him swallow his hurt for being corrected constantly. I've heard him apologize more times than I can count. I've dealt with him tell me he is "bad." And I've had to check my own urge to tell judgmental parents and teachers to go eff themselves and to learn how to have some compassion and understanding for others.

For me, sometimes I want to tell the teacher "you know he has ADD. Deal with it yourself. You find ways to help him."

Anonymous wrote:Oh, yes. And the judgments from teachers--don't get me started. Despite years of work on a 504 plan, then a BIP, then an IEP, the teachers still write/call about how "Larlo needs to focus." And the ones who just don't believe that there is such a thing as ADHD? They are out there, and more common than you might think.

We made a practice of writing letters and having meetings at the beginning of the school year outlining our kid's challenges. And asking above all that teachers not take it personally when our kid displays some of the challenging behaviors associated with ADHD and anxiety.

A key piece of advice: do not assume that the formal processes (504/IEP) at your school will translate into awareness on the classroom teacher's part. Inform, inform--and inform again.

Yes, I feel like a broken record. I am aware that my son needs to focus. I feel like I am going to scream if I get asked one more time if I've addressed it with him. Seriously? You think I'm not aware? That I don't have to deal with it at home too? It's like they think I can just say some magic words and POOF! I wish.

I have to say I was once one of those people who doubted ADHD. I had the class and presence of mind to never say it out loud and tried hard not to judge others. Now that I live with it daily, I know it is real. I watch my kid struggle, hard, to behave the way he knows he's supposed to. I see him swallow his hurt for being corrected constantly. I've heard him apologize more times than I can count. I've dealt with him tell me he is "bad." And I've had to check my own urge to tell judgmental parents and teachers to go eff themselves and to learn how to have some compassion and understanding for others.

Oh, yes. And the judgments from teachers--don't get me started. Despite years of work on a 504 plan, then a BIP, then an IEP, the teachers still write/call about how "Larlo needs to focus." And the ones who just don't believe that there is such a thing as ADHD? They are out there, and more common than you might think.

We made a practice of writing letters and having meetings at the beginning of the school year outlining our kid's challenges. And asking above all that teachers not take it personally when our kid displays some of the challenging behaviors associated with ADHD and anxiety.

A key piece of advice: do not assume that the formal processes (504/IEP) at your school will translate into awareness on the classroom teacher's part. Inform, inform--and inform again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Harden my heart? I hear you, I really do, but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. I'm not particularly good at stoicism. And I don't care so much for me, but I care for my son. I can take it. But when you hurt my kid, you hurt me.

Yeah, I know. It hurts when my child comes home and names three boys that said they don't like him because he's annoying. Or the one that said "my mom says you're a bad kid." It is hard. It's harder more when he says "but they really didn't mean it." So I focus on the friends he does have. And I've had to tell him that kids that say mean things really are not his friends, friends don't do that. And he still says they don't mean it, when they aren't together they are nice to him
It helps that he sees a counselor during school and they talk through his feelings and how the words make him feel. And I really focus on the friends he does have.

I know. Thank you. It does help to know that other people understand what you are going through. I'll keep my eyes out for the ones he can be close to and parents who are kind and don't jump to judge us as bad parents. I just wish there were more of them.

Anonymous wrote:Harden my heart? I hear you, I really do, but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. I'm not particularly good at stoicism. And I don't care so much for me, but I care for my son. I can take it. But when you hurt my kid, you hurt me.

Yeah, I know. It hurts when my child comes home and names three boys that said they don't like him because he's annoying. Or the one that said "my mom says you're a bad kid." It is hard. It's harder more when he says "but they really didn't mean it." So I focus on the friends he does have. And I've had to tell him that kids that say mean things really are not his friends, friends don't do that. And he still says they don't mean it, when they aren't together they are nice to him
It helps that he sees a counselor during school and they talk through his feelings and how the words make him feel. And I really focus on the friends he does have.

Harden my heart? I hear you, I really do, but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. I'm not particularly good at stoicism. And I don't care so much for me, but I care for my son. I can take it. But when you hurt my kid, you hurt me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20:41, thank you. We have an excellent psychologist working with him on skill building. I agree, as does she, that medication alone is not the answer.

20:41 here-- Maybe this isn't your dilemma at all, but I found it easier to parent my son when I accepted his challenges. I'm not doing it perfectly, but I think our earlier battles happened, in part, because I was anxious about his behavior and eventual diagnosis. Now, I know why he does what he does, but I can also look back and see the strides he has made.

I think too, that I am more flexible in how I approach situations. I know that my job is to teach him coping skills and self-monitoring, and as I get better at this parenting thing, my actions for the most part, reflect the big picture.

Not sure if someone mentioned this to you, but try Ross Greene's "The Explosive Child" and "Lost at School." I had difficulty embracing his philosophy until I realized that traditional discipline often doesn't work (and can make things worse) for my son.

How do you deal with other parents? With teachers? I am already tired of my child being labeled a "brat." He is far from a brat. He is a very caring child and he is fully aware that he can't control himself. When he does something wrong he is immediately remorseful. We are working to get the help and support we need for him and for us. It is so hard to see him struggle, and other adults are often judgmental and mean, both to him and to my husband and I as parents. You can feel the weight of it. "Why don't they control that kid? Why don't they discipline him? If I were his parent I would [fill in the blank.]" Or whatever other sanctimonious thoughts you can see going on behind their eyes.

It's not easy. I find myself limiting the people we hang out with to other like challenged families. It was really funny - my son met another boy while waiting at his younger brothers soccer game. Turned out we had kids on the same team (younger) and both older boys have ADD. They clicked. Much easier to have him play with someone that is on his own plane.
I also know yelling does not work. It escalates the situation. So in my case, when they see that I calmly talk to my son, and often it works to redirect him, they see that I know how to parent my child.
I also know that the ones that label my kid as a brat have their own challenges and secrets they don't think the rest of us know. But yeah, I heard from my son what their son was caught doing. So I don't let their sanctimonious attitude get to me.

I hear you. But that's pretty hard to do when we live on a street of kids. And I know people talk. It's mean, and it's hurtful. I can't believe adults behave this way. How do you know which kids have ADHD? You just ask? You mention that your kid has it? I'm being serious here. I'm doing my best to help him make friends and socialize but I'm at a bit of a loss.

Many volunteer the information. It helps that a boy down the street has it, and his mom is open about the challenges. She also doesn't medicate on weekends, so there is a stark contrast between weekday "Alex" and weekend "Alex". I think she feels the need to explain why he's so "everywhere" on the weekends.
Another happened to come up at a birthday party. Kids are in the same class and we started venting about the complaints from the teacher... And our kids have the same issues. It was so relieving to talk to someone going through the same things!
It is hurtful. But don't let others have control over your happiness and feelings. Learn to deflect, and harden your heart to the looks and comments. They don't have the same challenges and issues and don't know what it's like. They are just ignorant - and I'm not saying that in a mean way. They don't understand and so their opinions and judgement are baseless.