thsi is mental illness manifesting itself. poor girl

So, if this description is just exaggerated on the urine front (i.e., she has once or twice wet herself, but usually it's just not wiping), this description isn't far from me at 11. I was a major tomboy, lazy and I realized it bugged my stepmother that I didn't care at all. Bathed once a week, no deodorant, didn't brush my hair at all, rarely brushed teeth, rewore dirty clothes, refused to wear a bra even once necessary, etc. (No self-wetting, so I didn't physically suffer/get sick at all. That's the only part of OP's story that is a red flag for me.) I was super smart, a pretty good student at a public magnet and therapist blessed as "normal." Got along with step sibs well, but not a huge fan of my stepmother; no real/actual conflict, but enjoyed bothering her. No peer pressure/comments until 13 and, even then, not many. I wasn't popular, but I wasn't unpopular. Never teased really. Plenty of friends. Considered pretty. Elected to student council and club leadership positions. No teacher comments ever except once about my hair being a rats nest in the context of getting made up for a play.

Everything changed on its own when I got interested in boys at 14-15. (I was a tad behind my peers on this front despite physical puberty being on time -- period at 13.) Mostly normal by 15-16 and minor remnants only because I was lazy and used to being lax. Completely normal habits by college. Now married with kids.

All of which is to say, I don't think (most of) OP's post is quite as weird as people are making out. And I bet SDD grows out of it. Hearing you message from others will help (esp if there's any chance it's you-directed like my behavior was); shaming will not and will just destroy you relationship. For what it's worth, my relationship with my stepmother is now great and my kids know her as 1 of their 3 grandmas.

Third the rec to look into chronic constipation. Caused my kiddo to have constant skid marks and wet the bed. He didn't feel constipated and pooped some every couple of days...but there was a big old blockage messing up his peeing and pooping.

I have a fourth grader and even at that age (9-10) a kid who pees on themselves and stinks in the way you describe would be the talk of the school, unfortunately. And the teachers would be involved and very, very concerned. As would any therapist worth their salt. The fact that this tween will pee in her pants after lunch instead of going to the rest room, and will then sit in class in her wet underwear until it dries is just unimaginable. If she were socially immature or had special needs it would make a bit more sense, but you claim she's well-adjusted in every other way??

Are you exaggerating here? How often is she peeing her pants?

Let your DH wash his daughter's clothes. Maybe he'll change his ways. Your DH needs to be on your side and start parenting this child with you.

How does nobody notice that she peed her pants? If that is true, maybe she can't control herself but is too embarrassed to admit it. Makes her feel more in control to simply tell you she did it on purpose.

Anonymous wrote:This is a kid trying to make herself as disgusting as possible. If she isn't being sexually abused in some way and using this as a defense mechanism, I would be shocked.

My thoughts, exactly.

Anonymous wrote:Brevity, OP. you don't get paid by the word.

And this isn't Twitter. Some of us aren't 19 and can read paragraphs still.

is there something going on with the restrooms at school? maybe she's avoiding them for a reason, can't hold it all day, and well- this happens.

Does nobody else find this story fishy? There is NO way nobody at school has noticed her bad hygiene, her peeing in her pants, her stinking etc. There is NO way nobody at school has said anything - there's just NO WAY the other kids wouldn't notice, tease, say something, move away from her whatever. Just plain and simple no way.

There is also no way a therapist who knows about these issues would say "Everything's fine with this girl.". Just no way.

Either this is a troll or we are not getting the whole story here...

Brevity, OP. you don't get paid by the word.

OP, in my experience, 11 year olds are pretty gross and bad at hygiene generally. That said, I have to agree that it sounds like there is something else going on if it's as bad as you say it is.

This is a kid trying to make herself as disgusting as possible. If she isn't being sexually abused in some way and using this as a defense mechanism, I would be shocked.

Anonymous wrote:OK, I'm now on the side of OP being an exaggerator. No way this kid is pretty and popular if she is truly the way OP describes. She probably is too lazy to shower everyday and doesn't remember to apply deodorant. She has some skid marks on her underwear, and sometimes dribbles a little bit. If she doesn't change her underwear right away, of course it smells when OP does the laundry. But I really can't believe there is this dirty girl soiling herself all the time and smelling like death who is still super popular, well-adjusted and beautiful.

+1

In middle school she would be a major pariah if she is half as bad as you say.

Gah I was 10 when I started my period. She's going to stink like crazy in a few years.