Anonymous
05/02/2015 08:36
Subject: When one child is much better at everything then the other child
Anonymous wrote:I'm looking to hear from parents that have kids where one is clearly amazing at everything: school, sports, music, friends, etc. and have a child that is more "normal" (ok at school, ok with everything else).
Or if you were the child with the amazing sibling, what did your parents do right in this situation?
How do you parent? When one does really well, I find a compliment for the other one. But it's getting clear that one will always do much better.
Oh, I have this--I HAD this--and we've managed to work our way out of it so I think this might be helpful:
I've got two DDs, two years apart. The younger one is higher-performing. At pretty much everything. Faster runner, better athlete all around, great at art, both get good grades but younger doesn't have to study. Also younger one has tremendous willpower and drive, so whenever both kids learn something, she's driven harder to learn it, and also to outdo her older sister.
So I've learned from my mistakes, and I'll give you one clean example to illustrate a lot.
For a while I had them both taking guitar lessons. DD2 would practice on her own, and for longer, so soon she was far ahead of DD1. DD1 became demoralized and only did the minimum.
They are not taking guitar any more. I'm done with signing them up for anything that conveniently overlaps geographically or is together in time, and taking the hard way, which is to put them in separate activities.
The key for me on how to separate them did NOT come from me thinking about what DD1 is good at and enjoys. This is because BUT FOR the fact that she's got uber-sister showing her up, the truth is she's really good at a lot of things.
Here is what I did. DD2 is a lot like her father. I thought, what does my DH not do well? Ha, he's a horrible singer. So I paid attention to my DDs and noticed…DD2 singing is really not as naturally good as DD1.
So I put DD1 in singing lessons. DD2 is more physical so she went into dance.
There's more to this story, but you get the idea. (And you don't need your DH to figure this out…just look at if there is anything that the normal kid might do better that the uber-kid, and make it his/her specialty. And if there is nothing, then put the normal into something anyways, because so many things these days rely on practice, not innate talent)
Anonymous
05/02/2015 05:26
Subject: Re:When one child is much better at everything then the other child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have two children (both boys) who are now in their early 30's.
S1 is great at EVERYTHING he has ever done. He did not take after either parent (both average with +/-'s). He was a great student, a great athlete, popular, caring, even tempered, and just about everything else that you could imagine. Since he was young, he has gotten out of bed at 5am and literally almost sprinted through the day with what seems like effortless grace until late into the evening 7 days a week. In high school and college he tutored kids in his class, raised money for numerous charities and travled on missions throughout the world.
S1 was admitted into the 4 Ivy league schools that he applied to but chose to go to Duke as it was a full ride scholarship (we paid nothing). He was admitted to Johns Hopkins on another full ride scholarship for medical school and is now a Cardiothoracic Surgeon at a top hospital. He possess a superhuman dedication, is incredibility intelligent and has the ability to work harder than any other person that I have ever seen on the planet.
S2 is 3 years younger and we an OK student. He was a normal kid with his ups and downs. Is a fine young man but like most has his warts.
I love them both but its really not a question of who the better person is. I never tried to compare the two while they were growing up and the OP should not as well. For those that say everyone has there strengths and weakness is full of it.
OP here. But how did you keep S2 from feeling bad about how well S1 did? Did you just tell S2 that you were impressed with A, B, C that S2 did? Did you tell him that everyone is different if he ever asked about S1 and his achievements?
Just wondering how to parent and make second child feel good about himself while first child is doing amazing at this, that, and the other. Also, do I congratulate first child just by himself when second child can't hear or just praise both in front of each other?
I never equated love with accomplishment. There are lots of people with more accomplishments than I have. I recognize that, move forward and live life. I told S2 that he just happened to be related to someone with gifts and grit that most people do not have.
Are you a troll? Seriously, in how many different ways can you tell you children "S1, you rock. S2, you have a rockstar for a sib." I have trouble believing this level of cluelessness is real.
But I suppose OP's response indicates that this level of cluelessness is all too real. OP, you are unwilling to let go of the idea that your DC1 is AMAZING -- the word you use over and over again,and that the problem here is that DC2 is not amazing. No matter how many posts you read about the burdens on the amazing child, the many ways in which amazing children are actually set up to fail, the one post you latch onto is the one in which a parent like you writes that their S1 is still AMAZING as an adult and her S2 just kinda sucks.
You do not not praise your children for accomplishments. You do not praise DC1 for being amazing or try to come up with a pathetic attempt at praising DC2 "Son, you are so good with the pets." He will see right through that one. Every time you tell your child how brilliant he is, he i learning that it should all just come to him and if it doesn't, he has failed. Studies have shown this over and over again. You refuse to grasp this because you are attached to this idea that AMAZING child will live a life that will validate your own.
Children are not supposed to have accomplishments. This whole idea that children are supposed to have some thing they are great at, something you can praise, is the reason we are robbing a;; our children of a real childhood. Children are supposed to learn and play and grow. Thats their job.
NP here.
not everyone is amazing. it is possible to have an amazing child and another who is not so amazing.
also, everyone here is "rooting" for the average child. but the golden child needs attention and praise too, and it can hurt him that the parents is not objective and is praising inferior work so that everyone gets an equal share of praise.
yeah, the parent should praise effort - except that often the golden child is so much better at making an effort. what then?
Anonymous
05/01/2015 23:25
Subject: Re:When one child is much better at everything then the other child
OP's being selective about what she "hears" in this, and it's very sad. That PP was right on the nose. Too bad most of all for OP's kids, both the Golden child and the one that she's so underwhelmed with.
Anonymous
05/01/2015 22:57
Subject: When one child is much better at everything then the other child
Are you sure DC1 is really that much more accomplished or that you've just become a little more numbed to the accomplishments of DC2 because they aren't totally new to you anymore? Try to see them in a new light, as if DC1 never did them.
As others have said, it's not about accomplishments. It's about people and love. Focus on the effort and praise it, not the accomplishments. If you put the focus on the kids themselves and not on the things they do, then they won't feel they have to be "good" just to earn your love.
Although it seems like DC1 is doing these amazing things just because he's amazing, it's possible that he's pushing himself too hard and isn't really happy. I speak from experience -- I pushed myself super hard and felt I had to be "amazing" because that's what my parents wanted. If you look at it from this perspective, it's possible that DC2 will actually be a happier and more accomplished person in the long run!
Help both kids explore their passions and do things they love. It doesn't matter if they are good at it or not. If DC2 asks about the "great" things DC1 has done or is doing, just remind him that everyone is different and that DC1 wasn't doing these particular things when he was DC2's age either. And that DC2 doesn't have to do those things when he's DC1's age. There are many different paths in life -- perhaps help your kids explore and learn about people who have all taken different routes to happiness.
As others have said, it's not about accomplishments. It's about people and love. Focus on the effort and praise it, not the accomplishments. If you put the focus on the kids themselves and not on the things they do, then they won't feel they have to be "good" just to earn your love.
Although it seems like DC1 is doing these amazing things just because he's amazing, it's possible that he's pushing himself too hard and isn't really happy. I speak from experience -- I pushed myself super hard and felt I had to be "amazing" because that's what my parents wanted. If you look at it from this perspective, it's possible that DC2 will actually be a happier and more accomplished person in the long run!
Help both kids explore their passions and do things they love. It doesn't matter if they are good at it or not. If DC2 asks about the "great" things DC1 has done or is doing, just remind him that everyone is different and that DC1 wasn't doing these particular things when he was DC2's age either. And that DC2 doesn't have to do those things when he's DC1's age. There are many different paths in life -- perhaps help your kids explore and learn about people who have all taken different routes to happiness.
Anonymous
05/01/2015 22:32
Subject: Re:When one child is much better at everything then the other child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have two children (both boys) who are now in their early 30's.
S1 is great at EVERYTHING he has ever done. He did not take after either parent (both average with +/-'s). He was a great student, a great athlete, popular, caring, even tempered, and just about everything else that you could imagine. Since he was young, he has gotten out of bed at 5am and literally almost sprinted through the day with what seems like effortless grace until late into the evening 7 days a week. In high school and college he tutored kids in his class, raised money for numerous charities and travled on missions throughout the world.
S1 was admitted into the 4 Ivy league schools that he applied to but chose to go to Duke as it was a full ride scholarship (we paid nothing). He was admitted to Johns Hopkins on another full ride scholarship for medical school and is now a Cardiothoracic Surgeon at a top hospital. He possess a superhuman dedication, is incredibility intelligent and has the ability to work harder than any other person that I have ever seen on the planet.
S2 is 3 years younger and we an OK student. He was a normal kid with his ups and downs. Is a fine young man but like most has his warts.
I love them both but its really not a question of who the better person is. I never tried to compare the two while they were growing up and the OP should not as well. For those that say everyone has there strengths and weakness is full of it.
OP here. But how did you keep S2 from feeling bad about how well S1 did? Did you just tell S2 that you were impressed with A, B, C that S2 did? Did you tell him that everyone is different if he ever asked about S1 and his achievements?
Just wondering how to parent and make second child feel good about himself while first child is doing amazing at this, that, and the other. Also, do I congratulate first child just by himself when second child can't hear or just praise both in front of each other?
I never equated love with accomplishment. There are lots of people with more accomplishments than I have. I recognize that, move forward and live life. I told S2 that he just happened to be related to someone with gifts and grit that most people do not have.
Are you a troll? Seriously, in how many different ways can you tell you children "S1, you rock. S2, you have a rockstar for a sib." I have trouble believing this level of cluelessness is real.
But I suppose OP's response indicates that this level of cluelessness is all too real. OP, you are unwilling to let go of the idea that your DC1 is AMAZING -- the word you use over and over again,and that the problem here is that DC2 is not amazing. No matter how many posts you read about the burdens on the amazing child, the many ways in which amazing children are actually set up to fail, the one post you latch onto is the one in which a parent like you writes that their S1 is still AMAZING as an adult and her S2 just kinda sucks.
You do not not praise your children for accomplishments. You do not praise DC1 for being amazing or try to come up with a pathetic attempt at praising DC2 "Son, you are so good with the pets." He will see right through that one. Every time you tell your child how brilliant he is, he i learning that it should all just come to him and if it doesn't, he has failed. Studies have shown this over and over again. You refuse to grasp this because you are attached to this idea that AMAZING child will live a life that will validate your own.
Children are not supposed to have accomplishments. This whole idea that children are supposed to have some thing they are great at, something you can praise, is the reason we are robbing a;; our children of a real childhood. Children are supposed to learn and play and grow. Thats their job.
To the last pp: you are reading way too much into what I have or haven't written in my posts. Frankly, it's creepy. I'm not looking back at this thread again. To those that offered helpful advice: thanks. (Op here)
Anonymous
05/01/2015 18:49
Subject: Re:When one child is much better at everything then the other child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have two children (both boys) who are now in their early 30's.
S1 is great at EVERYTHING he has ever done. He did not take after either parent (both average with +/-'s). He was a great student, a great athlete, popular, caring, even tempered, and just about everything else that you could imagine. Since he was young, he has gotten out of bed at 5am and literally almost sprinted through the day with what seems like effortless grace until late into the evening 7 days a week. In high school and college he tutored kids in his class, raised money for numerous charities and travled on missions throughout the world.
S1 was admitted into the 4 Ivy league schools that he applied to but chose to go to Duke as it was a full ride scholarship (we paid nothing). He was admitted to Johns Hopkins on another full ride scholarship for medical school and is now a Cardiothoracic Surgeon at a top hospital. He possess a superhuman dedication, is incredibility intelligent and has the ability to work harder than any other person that I have ever seen on the planet.
S2 is 3 years younger and we an OK student. He was a normal kid with his ups and downs. Is a fine young man but like most has his warts.
I love them both but its really not a question of who the better person is. I never tried to compare the two while they were growing up and the OP should not as well. For those that say everyone has there strengths and weakness is full of it.
OP here. But how did you keep S2 from feeling bad about how well S1 did? Did you just tell S2 that you were impressed with A, B, C that S2 did? Did you tell him that everyone is different if he ever asked about S1 and his achievements?
Just wondering how to parent and make second child feel good about himself while first child is doing amazing at this, that, and the other. Also, do I congratulate first child just by himself when second child can't hear or just praise both in front of each other?
I never equated love with accomplishment. There are lots of people with more accomplishments than I have. I recognize that, move forward and live life. I told S2 that he just happened to be related to someone with gifts and grit that most people do not have.
Are you a troll? Seriously, in how many different ways can you tell you children "S1, you rock. S2, you have a rockstar for a sib." I have trouble believing this level of cluelessness is real.
But I suppose OP's response indicates that this level of cluelessness is all too real. OP, you are unwilling to let go of the idea that your DC1 is AMAZING -- the word you use over and over again,and that the problem here is that DC2 is not amazing. No matter how many posts you read about the burdens on the amazing child, the many ways in which amazing children are actually set up to fail, the one post you latch onto is the one in which a parent like you writes that their S1 is still AMAZING as an adult and her S2 just kinda sucks.
You do not not praise your children for accomplishments. You do not praise DC1 for being amazing or try to come up with a pathetic attempt at praising DC2 "Son, you are so good with the pets." He will see right through that one. Every time you tell your child how brilliant he is, he i learning that it should all just come to him and if it doesn't, he has failed. Studies have shown this over and over again. You refuse to grasp this because you are attached to this idea that AMAZING child will live a life that will validate your own.
Children are not supposed to have accomplishments. This whole idea that children are supposed to have some thing they are great at, something you can praise, is the reason we are robbing a;; our children of a real childhood. Children are supposed to learn and play and grow. Thats their job.
I agree-dont follow Dr. perfecto's mom's advice, OP!
Count me in too, I totally agree with the bolded and can't believe that other PP's repeated message to her other child "Face it, you have the most awesome person in the world (and also my favorite child, in case you didn't notice) as a sibling, and sometimes it just sucks to be you. Deal with it." That is how that PP sounds and it is so sad that OP is responding to their suggestions more than anyone else's ideas. But maybe that's because that's exactly how OP sees and treats her kids as well?
Anonymous
05/01/2015 17:32
Subject: Re:When one child is much better at everything then the other child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have two children (both boys) who are now in their early 30's.
S1 is great at EVERYTHING he has ever done. He did not take after either parent (both average with +/-'s). He was a great student, a great athlete, popular, caring, even tempered, and just about everything else that you could imagine. Since he was young, he has gotten out of bed at 5am and literally almost sprinted through the day with what seems like effortless grace until late into the evening 7 days a week. In high school and college he tutored kids in his class, raised money for numerous charities and travled on missions throughout the world.
S1 was admitted into the 4 Ivy league schools that he applied to but chose to go to Duke as it was a full ride scholarship (we paid nothing). He was admitted to Johns Hopkins on another full ride scholarship for medical school and is now a Cardiothoracic Surgeon at a top hospital. He possess a superhuman dedication, is incredibility intelligent and has the ability to work harder than any other person that I have ever seen on the planet.
S2 is 3 years younger and we an OK student. He was a normal kid with his ups and downs. Is a fine young man but like most has his warts.
I love them both but its really not a question of who the better person is. I never tried to compare the two while they were growing up and the OP should not as well. For those that say everyone has there strengths and weakness is full of it.
OP here. But how did you keep S2 from feeling bad about how well S1 did? Did you just tell S2 that you were impressed with A, B, C that S2 did? Did you tell him that everyone is different if he ever asked about S1 and his achievements?
Just wondering how to parent and make second child feel good about himself while first child is doing amazing at this, that, and the other. Also, do I congratulate first child just by himself when second child can't hear or just praise both in front of each other?
I never equated love with accomplishment. There are lots of people with more accomplishments than I have. I recognize that, move forward and live life. I told S2 that he just happened to be related to someone with gifts and grit that most people do not have.
Are you a troll? Seriously, in how many different ways can you tell you children "S1, you rock. S2, you have a rockstar for a sib." I have trouble believing this level of cluelessness is real.
But I suppose OP's response indicates that this level of cluelessness is all too real. OP, you are unwilling to let go of the idea that your DC1 is AMAZING -- the word you use over and over again,and that the problem here is that DC2 is not amazing. No matter how many posts you read about the burdens on the amazing child, the many ways in which amazing children are actually set up to fail, the one post you latch onto is the one in which a parent like you writes that their S1 is still AMAZING as an adult and her S2 just kinda sucks.
You do not not praise your children for accomplishments. You do not praise DC1 for being amazing or try to come up with a pathetic attempt at praising DC2 "Son, you are so good with the pets." He will see right through that one. Every time you tell your child how brilliant he is, he i learning that it should all just come to him and if it doesn't, he has failed. Studies have shown this over and over again. You refuse to grasp this because you are attached to this idea that AMAZING child will live a life that will validate your own.
Children are not supposed to have accomplishments. This whole idea that children are supposed to have some thing they are great at, something you can praise, is the reason we are robbing a;; our children of a real childhood. Children are supposed to learn and play and grow. Thats their job.
I agree-dont follow Dr. perfecto's mom's advice, OP!
Anonymous
05/01/2015 17:17
Subject: Re:When one child is much better at everything then the other child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have two children (both boys) who are now in their early 30's.
S1 is great at EVERYTHING he has ever done. He did not take after either parent (both average with +/-'s). He was a great student, a great athlete, popular, caring, even tempered, and just about everything else that you could imagine. Since he was young, he has gotten out of bed at 5am and literally almost sprinted through the day with what seems like effortless grace until late into the evening 7 days a week. In high school and college he tutored kids in his class, raised money for numerous charities and travled on missions throughout the world.
S1 was admitted into the 4 Ivy league schools that he applied to but chose to go to Duke as it was a full ride scholarship (we paid nothing). He was admitted to Johns Hopkins on another full ride scholarship for medical school and is now a Cardiothoracic Surgeon at a top hospital. He possess a superhuman dedication, is incredibility intelligent and has the ability to work harder than any other person that I have ever seen on the planet.
S2 is 3 years younger and we an OK student. He was a normal kid with his ups and downs. Is a fine young man but like most has his warts.
I love them both but its really not a question of who the better person is. I never tried to compare the two while they were growing up and the OP should not as well. For those that say everyone has there strengths and weakness is full of it.
OP here. But how did you keep S2 from feeling bad about how well S1 did? Did you just tell S2 that you were impressed with A, B, C that S2 did? Did you tell him that everyone is different if he ever asked about S1 and his achievements?
Just wondering how to parent and make second child feel good about himself while first child is doing amazing at this, that, and the other. Also, do I congratulate first child just by himself when second child can't hear or just praise both in front of each other?
I never equated love with accomplishment. There are lots of people with more accomplishments than I have. I recognize that, move forward and live life. I told S2 that he just happened to be related to someone with gifts and grit that most people do not have.
Are you a troll? Seriously, in how many different ways can you tell you children "S1, you rock. S2, you have a rockstar for a sib." I have trouble believing this level of cluelessness is real.
But I suppose OP's response indicates that this level of cluelessness is all too real. OP, you are unwilling to let go of the idea that your DC1 is AMAZING -- the word you use over and over again,and that the problem here is that DC2 is not amazing. No matter how many posts you read about the burdens on the amazing child, the many ways in which amazing children are actually set up to fail, the one post you latch onto is the one in which a parent like you writes that their S1 is still AMAZING as an adult and her S2 just kinda sucks.
You do not not praise your children for accomplishments. You do not praise DC1 for being amazing or try to come up with a pathetic attempt at praising DC2 "Son, you are so good with the pets." He will see right through that one. Every time you tell your child how brilliant he is, he i learning that it should all just come to him and if it doesn't, he has failed. Studies have shown this over and over again. You refuse to grasp this because you are attached to this idea that AMAZING child will live a life that will validate your own.
Children are not supposed to have accomplishments. This whole idea that children are supposed to have some thing they are great at, something you can praise, is the reason we are robbing a;; our children of a real childhood. Children are supposed to learn and play and grow. Thats their job.
Anonymous
05/01/2015 16:02
Subject: Re:When one child is much better at everything then the other child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have two children (both boys) who are now in their early 30's.
S1 is great at EVERYTHING he has ever done. He did not take after either parent (both average with +/-'s). He was a great student, a great athlete, popular, caring, even tempered, and just about everything else that you could imagine. Since he was young, he has gotten out of bed at 5am and literally almost sprinted through the day with what seems like effortless grace until late into the evening 7 days a week. In high school and college he tutored kids in his class, raised money for numerous charities and travled on missions throughout the world.
S1 was admitted into the 4 Ivy league schools that he applied to but chose to go to Duke as it was a full ride scholarship (we paid nothing). He was admitted to Johns Hopkins on another full ride scholarship for medical school and is now a Cardiothoracic Surgeon at a top hospital. He possess a superhuman dedication, is incredibility intelligent and has the ability to work harder than any other person that I have ever seen on the planet.
S2 is 3 years younger and we an OK student. He was a normal kid with his ups and downs. Is a fine young man but like most has his warts.
I love them both but its really not a question of who the better person is. I never tried to compare the two while they were growing up and the OP should not as well. For those that say everyone has there strengths and weakness is full of it.
OP here. But how did you keep S2 from feeling bad about how well S1 did? Did you just tell S2 that you were impressed with A, B, C that S2 did? Did you tell him that everyone is different if he ever asked about S1 and his achievements?
Just wondering how to parent and make second child feel good about himself while first child is doing amazing at this, that, and the other. Also, do I congratulate first child just by himself when second child can't hear or just praise both in front of each other?
I never equated love with accomplishment. There are lots of people with more accomplishments than I have. I recognize that, move forward and live life. I told S2 that he just happened to be related to someone with gifts and grit that most people do not have.
Anonymous
05/01/2015 15:58
Subject: When one child is much better at everything then the other child
Anonymous wrote:Do not praise the achievements. Of either kid.
Focus on the effort. Notice that and value it in both kids. Praise it when you see it. Teach both of your kids that genuine effort matters more than anything else.
This means that if your DC1 comes home with highest honors, you don't celebrate that. You say, "You know what? I really respect the way you worked hard in math when it got tougher last month. Remember that quiz you studied so hard for?" or with sports, "I love how you didn't give up when you kept striking out that first inning."
Because even if someone is objectively "good" at things, it doesn't mean it all comes easy to them. Sure, it might all still come easier than it does to his sibling. But focus on where he pushed himself to work hard, be persistent / not give up etc.
This goes for the child whose accomplishments may be less. Genuinely look for specific times when he showed grit and determination, regardless of the result. He will dismiss it if he knows it's BS. But if you're focusing your praise on those things for BOTH kids, he will accept that this is what you value. And he will feel good when he does it.
The other tip is to focus on their character. Again, the good CHOICES they make. To be a supportive teammate. To be a considerate friend. To behave properly. To do the right thing, even when it's difficult.
And whenever possible, focus on whether they had FUN. For example, DC is a powerhouse in a particular sport right now. Adults sometimes fawn all over DC after a game, and it makes all of us uncomfortable, including DC. What do we say after a great performance in a game? "What'd you think? Did you have fun? What was your favorite part?" And "I'm so glad I could be at the game. really like watching you play." That's it. No swooning over hits or catches or focus on a missed play and how to "fix" the mistake. Just "I like watching you play."
If you're interested, here are a few resources that might be helpful to shift your mindset about achievement and your interaction with BOTH of your children:
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
http://mindsetonline.com/
http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322
http://habitsofmind.org/
http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/more-family-fun/201202/what-makes-nightmare-sports-parent
Good advice and thank you for sharing those websites, PP.
Anonymous
05/01/2015 15:52
Subject: Re:When one child is much better at everything then the other child
^^ Totally agree with all those strategies. For ALL kids, not just the ones in OP's situation. But *especially* for OP and her kids. It's about a growth mindset and it is so good for kids.
Also agree with a PP about OP watching whether it's obvious she favors one of her kids. That dynamic can undo all the great work that following these links will set up. Knowing or feeling like a parent favors your other sibling over you is devastating, no matter how well a child seems to handle it or not notice it. It is always noticed, always felt, when it is there. Sometimes even when the parents aren't aware of it. Gotta nip that favoritism of one and little cutting blows to the other child in the bud. That is how you'll help your other child not feel bad, or even better, find their own joy at their own efforts regardless of what efforts their sibling makes.
Also agree with a PP about OP watching whether it's obvious she favors one of her kids. That dynamic can undo all the great work that following these links will set up. Knowing or feeling like a parent favors your other sibling over you is devastating, no matter how well a child seems to handle it or not notice it. It is always noticed, always felt, when it is there. Sometimes even when the parents aren't aware of it. Gotta nip that favoritism of one and little cutting blows to the other child in the bud. That is how you'll help your other child not feel bad, or even better, find their own joy at their own efforts regardless of what efforts their sibling makes.
Anonymous
05/01/2015 15:02
Subject: When one child is much better at everything then the other child
Do not praise the achievements. Of either kid.
Focus on the effort. Notice that and value it in both kids. Praise it when you see it. Teach both of your kids that genuine effort matters more than anything else.
This means that if your DC1 comes home with highest honors, you don't celebrate that. You say, "You know what? I really respect the way you worked hard in math when it got tougher last month. Remember that quiz you studied so hard for?" or with sports, "I love how you didn't give up when you kept striking out that first inning."
Because even if someone is objectively "good" at things, it doesn't mean it all comes easy to them. Sure, it might all still come easier than it does to his sibling. But focus on where he pushed himself to work hard, be persistent / not give up etc.
This goes for the child whose accomplishments may be less. Genuinely look for specific times when he showed grit and determination, regardless of the result. He will dismiss it if he knows it's BS. But if you're focusing your praise on those things for BOTH kids, he will accept that this is what you value. And he will feel good when he does it.
The other tip is to focus on their character. Again, the good CHOICES they make. To be a supportive teammate. To be a considerate friend. To behave properly. To do the right thing, even when it's difficult.
And whenever possible, focus on whether they had FUN. For example, DC is a powerhouse in a particular sport right now. Adults sometimes fawn all over DC after a game, and it makes all of us uncomfortable, including DC. What do we say after a great performance in a game? "What'd you think? Did you have fun? What was your favorite part?" And "I'm so glad I could be at the game. really like watching you play." That's it. No swooning over hits or catches or focus on a missed play and how to "fix" the mistake. Just "I like watching you play."
If you're interested, here are a few resources that might be helpful to shift your mindset about achievement and your interaction with BOTH of your children:
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
http://mindsetonline.com/
http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322
http://habitsofmind.org/
http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/more-family-fun/201202/what-makes-nightmare-sports-parent
Focus on the effort. Notice that and value it in both kids. Praise it when you see it. Teach both of your kids that genuine effort matters more than anything else.
This means that if your DC1 comes home with highest honors, you don't celebrate that. You say, "You know what? I really respect the way you worked hard in math when it got tougher last month. Remember that quiz you studied so hard for?" or with sports, "I love how you didn't give up when you kept striking out that first inning."
Because even if someone is objectively "good" at things, it doesn't mean it all comes easy to them. Sure, it might all still come easier than it does to his sibling. But focus on where he pushed himself to work hard, be persistent / not give up etc.
This goes for the child whose accomplishments may be less. Genuinely look for specific times when he showed grit and determination, regardless of the result. He will dismiss it if he knows it's BS. But if you're focusing your praise on those things for BOTH kids, he will accept that this is what you value. And he will feel good when he does it.
The other tip is to focus on their character. Again, the good CHOICES they make. To be a supportive teammate. To be a considerate friend. To behave properly. To do the right thing, even when it's difficult.
And whenever possible, focus on whether they had FUN. For example, DC is a powerhouse in a particular sport right now. Adults sometimes fawn all over DC after a game, and it makes all of us uncomfortable, including DC. What do we say after a great performance in a game? "What'd you think? Did you have fun? What was your favorite part?" And "I'm so glad I could be at the game. really like watching you play." That's it. No swooning over hits or catches or focus on a missed play and how to "fix" the mistake. Just "I like watching you play."
If you're interested, here are a few resources that might be helpful to shift your mindset about achievement and your interaction with BOTH of your children:
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
http://mindsetonline.com/
http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322
http://habitsofmind.org/
http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/more-family-fun/201202/what-makes-nightmare-sports-parent
Anonymous
05/01/2015 14:19
Subject: When one child is much better at everything then the other child
Anonymous wrote:OP, I sympathize. This is going on in my family, only it's with two identical twins. One is better than the other at every single thing. Other people can't help but compare. It really sucks.
We are friends with a family like this and I would think it might be a pretty common issue with twins. But the "normal" twin is better at things, they are just harder to put into words. She is the most loving and supportive girl I have ever met. She has an incredible sense of humor. She has this knack for finding the best in every situation. I know it is incredibly hard when they are compared. Hopefully they can make it through this rough stage n childhood and get to highschool where there will be more room for them to be seen as individules. My oder sister always did better in school than I did. She got striaght As with out trying and I had to work my tail off to get Bs. Fast foward 20years and I have a better, more stable career because I know how to work hard and she doesn't. Keep giving both kids the chance to try new things and both will find something that makes them special. Hugs.
Anonymous
05/01/2015 14:17
Subject: When one child is much better at everything then the other child
Anonymous wrote:
As a parent, you should know they probably just wish for neither. Most people don't love their average kid less. But it is harder to find praise for them. Praise does not equal love.
I don't find it harder to find praise for any of my children. We praise based on effort not on accomplishments, perhaps that's the difference. Yes, that means my academic superstar doesn't actually get as much academic based in-house recognition, because she's doesn't put in the effort that her less academic brother does. It also means my youngest gets a bunch of recognition for his efforts to clean, even though his efforts leave more of a mess than his (more competent but less willing) older siblings.
Anonymous
05/01/2015 13:55
Subject: When one child is much better at everything then the other child
Anonymous wrote:My superstar sibling was murdered as a teenager. I'm the normal average one and even though he's been dead for 20 years it still stings that the golden child died and I lived. I know they wish it was the opposite
As a parent, you should know they probably just wish for neither. Most people don't love their average kid less. But it is harder to find praise for them. Praise does not equal love.