Anonymous wrote:While getting ready for bed tonight, 5yr old DD mentioned that during a recent playdate her best friend pulled down her own underwear and told DD to touch her. According to my DD, she did what she was told but did no reciprocate by removing her own underwear. We have always talked about what our private parts are, that they are our's alone, and we shouldn't touch others or let anyone touch our's. Instead, she should always say no and tell us if something like that happened. I reassured her that I wasn't mad, and in fact that I'm glad she told me and can always tell me anything, but that she needs to know that it isn't okay, even if her friend told her to do it.

I'm totally freaked out. Obviously I need to tell the friend's mom, who is herself a good friend of mine. I'm also scared that despite years of talk about no-touch and so on, that all it took was her best friend to tell her something and she did it.

Please offer any advice or insight as to what to do next. Is this part of normal childhood curiosity, that we need to discourage but not make into major drama, or is this reason for serious concern and need to find help for our child. This is such an important thing, and I'm caught off guard since I felt as if we had inoculated DD against this sort of thing.

It is. Some kids do it and some don't but as long as it is on the side of what you described it is ABSOLUTELY normal and even healthy. You did everything right. Gently discourage by explaining that private parts are private...but also do keep in mind that it actually IS okay to let someone touch you when you enjoy it and even though you don't want 5 year olds to touch each other shaming that part of developing sexuality is also not the right way to go!

Anonymous wrote:Wait...what?

Maybe I'm a prude, but the invitation to touch her seems totally inappropriate and screams abuse to me. While it's normal for children to be curious about their bodies, I am concerned by the fact that the other little girl asked your daughter to touch her. Where did she get the idea, especially the idea that that sort of touching is a game. I don't think it's normal at all and would be concerned that someone else had played that sort of game with her.

Totally agree. So NOT normal. You could be helping that child if she is being abused by speaking out.

Five year olds are not sexual, please don't make it.

OP--my DD in Kindergarten has had a lot of this over the last several weeks. Her best friend is a boy and he apparently has been "daring" all the girls to show them their underwear. I do think the touching ask can be as much about kids daring each other because they sense it's not really something they should do but aren't sure why. I have also heard about several other kids (boys) and girls) in class talking about underwear and privates, although not much discussion about touching, just showing.

I would just say to the other parent--I'm sure we're all going through this, I have told my child that our private parts are private and other people shouldn't' ask to touch or see them, that's not appropriate. What messages are you using with your kids that you think help?

Pp here... That should say taught a friend...

Being anonymous I'll say I remember being at both ends of interactions like that. I figured out at a really young age that it can feel good to touch myself. I didn't have a name for it, but I thought a friend when I was about five. I don't think either of us ever touched each other, but I definitely taught her how to masterbate. Looking back that's really embarrassing. When I was about 8 a boy I was friends with asked me what vaginas feel like and could he touch mine. I said no and that was it. It was just a conversation and curiosity. For what it's worth, I was never abused, didn't have my first kiss until I was 16 and didn't choose to have sex until I was 21, so it's not like it set me up for a life of inappropriate sexual behavior. My husband remembers playing naked tag at age 7. I think you are handling it really well OP, but I wouldn't rush to any conclusions like abuse.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you very much for all the thoughtful responses. I had one follow-up conversation with my DD yesterday letting her know that her dad and I were happy she told me, we weren't mad, but reiterating the emphasis on our private parts. DH and I have agreed not to mention it to her again. The mom and I should see each other this weekend so I'll talk with her then.

I'm the PP directly above you. This is a good strategy. You're a good mom.

OP here. Thank you very much for all the thoughtful responses. I had one follow-up conversation with my DD yesterday letting her know that her dad and I were happy she told me, we weren't mad, but reiterating the emphasis on our private parts. DH and I have agreed not to mention it to her again. The mom and I should see each other this weekend so I'll talk with her then.

OP, we faced something like this recently. It sounds to me like your daughter's experience is within the range of normal and would not raise red flags for me. Here is what happened to MY daughter:

A boy that she does not like at school, who hugs and kisses people inappropriately, came onto her mat during nap time. He pulled down her pants and touched her genitals and kissed her on the mouth. She was really uncomfortable but did not want to speak up because she didn't want to get in trouble for being disruptive at nap time. When the teacher noticed what was happening, she intervened and emailed me immediately. When I talked to DD about it, she said "He touched me like a grown up, that's not okay for kids." I asked her how it made her feel and she said that she did not like it and did not want it to happen again. I immediately called a meeting with the classroom teacher, the principal and the school social worker to address the situation.

In your situation, I would tailor my response to what your DD's response is. Did you ask her how the experience made her feel? Did you reinforce that it is always okay for her to tell you if something weird happens to her, because it's your job to keep her safe? Children this age are fascinated with their own anatomy, and I do not think there is anything abnormal about showing. The touching is a little but upsetting, but in the context of an otherwise normal interaction, it does not spook me. What happened to my daughter was very different and very abnormal, starting with the sneaking and ending with the "like a grown up."