Anonymous
05/03/2015 19:01
Subject: Could use some advice about a frienship triangle
Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry-- I'm not sure what you would bring up with G? That G was supposed to check with you before becoming friends with D?
Exactly. I don't know what the OP could say to G and not sound very strange. This is precisely why D and G may not have told OP in the first place because of her reaction.
OP: G, I feel bad that you hung out with D without me. When did you start being friends?
G: D and I started being better friends about 5 years ago.
OP: I noticed that you were friendly with D's family at the funeral.
G: I was trying to make D's family feel better.
OP: I was hurt that you felt more comfortable at the funeral.
G: At the funeral? I was trying to comfort our mutual friend D.
OP: How come you started hanging out without me? D and I drifted apart.
G: ...
G will probably start to not hang out with you either.
Anonymous
05/03/2015 15:15
Subject: Could use some advice about a frienship triangle
I'm sorry-- I'm not sure what you would bring up with G? That G was supposed to check with you before becoming friends with D?
Anonymous
05/03/2015 15:07
Subject: Re:Could use some advice about a frienship triangle
How in the world did you end up feeling bad while attending a funeral? You do realize that you sound incredibly petty and insecure.
Anonymous
05/03/2015 10:53
Subject: Could use some advice about a frienship triangle
You are not the boss of them and you do not get to choose their friends. It is not disloyal to have more than one friend. The only part of this that is a valid complaint is that neither of them mentioned this growing friendship, but given that you are clingy (my friends are my family), possessive (they need my permission to be friends), competitive (she was giving off a vibe like she belonged there more than me) and irrational (I am sensitive, therefore everyone needs to be worried about my emotions at all times, even at a funeral), my guess is that they didn't mention it because they knew you would not respond like a healthy, rational friend and say "lovely! So glad you two are connecting! We should hang out some time!" But knew that instead you would do all you can to make their friendship about you and be a roadblock to them building an independent relationship.
Anonymous
05/03/2015 09:46
Subject: Could use some advice about a frienship triangle
Anonymous wrote:I think this boils down to just how close you feel to these girls if you are like me and my best friends we are practically sisters so yes it would hurt my feelings if they were cultivating a friendship between them and leaving me out.
By the same token I would not do that to them. I also think most women do not have the closeness that I do with my friends, I think most women have a few "good friends" but with me and my 3 best friends literally we are almost inseparable. We speak on the phone almost every day or every other and see each other at least 2-3 times a week.
So anything along that line would definitely hurt me, for a more casual friendship I don't think you really have much say in the matter though you could certainly voice your opinion, it might backfire and make them keep some distance if they feel under the microscope.
It may not be the case with OP and her friends but it is important to recognize that people need different things and have different personalities. If having someone that can be inseparable is a criteria for friendship, not everyone can be your friend or you may lose friends. My big thing is taking the initiative to plan things and being reachable. There may be some great people out there that never take the initiative to plan things/reach out of for whatever reason is barely reachable and that person will not be a good friend match for me.
I agree with the PPs that said OP can say a gentle "I would love to meet up with the two of you next time you plan something" but beyond that either they aren't a good match for OP if she needs total loyalty/inseparable in a friendship OR it really is a matter of it being OP and the people trying to put distance in their relationship with her for some reason.
Anonymous
05/03/2015 08:26
Subject: Re:Could use some advice about a frienship triangle
Don't agree how can you say feeling are not valid? As a licensed therapist, rule #1 is that ALL feelings are valid. Maybe you do not agree with her feelings, that is OK but her feelings are valid and real. How to and if to address them is a different matter.
What a bunch of hooey. Some people believe in truth. Moral relativism is pathetic. No, not all feelings are valid. Feelings are racism of invalid, for example. Believing others are your property to manipulate is not valid.
Truth and how you feel/react to something have nothing to do with one another. Saying all feelings are not valid is purely subjective. TO YOU all feelings are not valid, but to many feelings are just that, a reaction or emotion to a situation that often cannot be controlled. Those who openly express and accept their feelings and deal with them in a positive proactive way are more likely to be better rounded, more open minded kinder people. FACT.
That really depends on what you mean by valid. If you mean "having a sound basis in logic or fact; reasonable or cogent," then no, all feelings are not valid. If I experienced extreme anger every time I lost Monopoly Jr. to my son, it would perhaps be genuinely felt but not reasonable.
Anonymous
05/03/2015 08:02
Subject: Could use some advice about a frienship triangle
OP, I consider it a badge of honor when two friends that I have introduced have gone on to form their own special relationship. It's like I've made a great match! There's enough friendship to go around.
Anonymous
05/03/2015 07:13
Subject: Could use some advice about a frienship triangle
It's one thing to feel hurt about being left out. It's another thing to think you have the right to control their friendship and interactions. What you're describing sounds very controlling and petty and will drive reasonable people away.
Anonymous
05/03/2015 07:10
Subject: Re:Could use some advice about a frienship triangle
Let me get this straight. You have known these friends for 20 years and you expected them to invite you if they got together.
I understand feeling a bit a disappointed but I can't imagine anything you could say that would come out sounding right.
I have 2 friends, M and W. M was always my good friend. W was M's good friend and she introduced us. We used to only see each other if M invited us over. After a few years of seeing one another, W and I started making plans sometimes with M, sometimes without. W and I are now better friends than with M. People make new friends. Drift apart. The only difference is how they met, in this case, the mutual friend.
I understand feeling a bit a disappointed but I can't imagine anything you could say that would come out sounding right.
I have 2 friends, M and W. M was always my good friend. W was M's good friend and she introduced us. We used to only see each other if M invited us over. After a few years of seeing one another, W and I started making plans sometimes with M, sometimes without. W and I are now better friends than with M. People make new friends. Drift apart. The only difference is how they met, in this case, the mutual friend.
Anonymous
05/03/2015 06:48
Subject: Re:Could use some advice about a frienship triangle
VRealize that you are being very insecure and controlling, and consider why you need to micromanage their relationships in order to feel better about yourself. Then improve yourself and let this petty approach to life go.
This. Further, OP, if I were G and we had lunch so you could tell me you are hurt because I became friends with someone you introduced me to, I would think you are high maintenance and likely distance myself from you. This is not about loyalty or being sensitive, it is being straight up jealous for no reason. Neither D or G did anything wrong in becoming friends.
Anonymous
04/29/2015 19:13
Subject: Could use some advice about a frienship triangle
Realize that you are being very insecure and controlling, and consider why you need to micromanage their relationships in order to feel better about yourself. Then improve yourself and let this petty approach to life go.