Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I started my starter marriage at 21. Was done by 30, but stuck around. Now planning 50th anniversary celebration.

There's a current thread about having kids while "young," in your 20's. That's what we did, and were empty nesters by mid 40's. Life's been great, ever since!

Sorry but what do kids have to do with this thread?

i took it to mean that she's happy she didn't leave when the going got tough as life got easier later once they got through having small kids in the house. LOts of couples consider divorce around that time.

Op here. Nope, no kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I started my starter marriage at 21. Was done by 30, but stuck around. Now planning 50th anniversary celebration.

There's a current thread about having kids while "young," in your 20's. That's what we did, and were empty nesters by mid 40's. Life's been great, ever since!

Sorry but what do kids have to do with this thread?

i took it to mean that she's happy she didn't leave when the going got tough as life got easier later once they got through having small kids in the house. LOts of couples consider divorce around that time.

DH's first marriage was kinda a Starter Marriage--but, like others have said, you don't go in thinking that way. DH was married less than one year (but dated 6-7 years, living together for most of that), no kids, but was in his mid-30's.

He realized he got married because it was the 'next step' and there wasn't anything majorly wrong with the relationship. No major fighting, she was a great person, so why not marry her.

It was only when they started talking about having kids (and the finality of being totally attached to her, even if they broke up) AND a hot woman paying attention to him (which made him realize what was missing from his marriage), that he knew he had to leave.

It was hard because it was less than a year after the wedding and she did not see it coming. Again, nothing WRONG with the relationship, so she was blind sided. He realized, he didn't like to rock the boat, so he didn't make clear what his needs were (and at the time, I'm not sure he even could have told you what they were).

He still feels guilty about what happened. She really is a wonderful woman and he only says great things about her. Now that he is in a good marriage (with me--I'm not the hot woman. I came along many years after that), he can see what was missing from his first. He sees that just because there wasn't anything wrong, doesn't mean it was right for him.

When he'd go on s business trip, and I'd wish that he'd die in a plane crash I knew it was over. He had a trip in Hawaii, and I had zero desire to go with him to paradise.
I took the easy way out and had an affair. Just cut your losses especially if you don't have kids.

All these sanctimonious responses are completely missing the point. No one goes into a marriage thinking it's a starter marriage, dumbasses. This term is only applied to one's own marriage in retrospect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a popular term, I'm surprised other PP's haven't heard it.
From what I've seen, the end usually comes pretty early on, within 2 or 3 years. Someone takes the reins to be really honest about how they are feeling and it opens the floodgates a bit. How long have you been married?

I have heard the term. I just think it--and anyone who uses the term--is breathtakingly stupid.

+1. The marriage is over the minute you start thinking of it as a "starter" marriage. If you think of your first home as your forever home, when problems arise, you're going to find ways to get around them (building an addition, finding ways to maximize space, etc). If you think of marriage as your forever marriage, you'll do the same.

Duh people use the term once the marriage is already over

Anonymous wrote:This is a popular term, I'm surprised other PP's haven't heard it.
From what I've seen, the end usually comes pretty early on, within 2 or 3 years. Someone takes the reins to be really honest about how they are feeling and it opens the floodgates a bit. How long have you been married?

No no, we've heard of it. It's what you say about other people's marriages, not your own!!

Anonymous wrote:If you go in with the idea of a "starter" marriage, then it's already over before it began.

This. No shit, OP. What an attitude!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was raised to believe that marriage is for life. So, the term “starter marriage” is silly to me. My “starter marriage” has been going strong for 35 years. Hopefully, for many more. Our two kids are very happy about the fact that their parents have remained married, despite the tough times.
Hopefully, my two kids will have the same perseverance in their marriages.

Congrats. I'm wondering what major hurdles you and your spouse overcame. Money issues, cheating? I'm in a rut right now and not sure this is going to be for life.

Money issues? Definitely. I’m a saver, my spouse - a spender. Some years were very very lean. Made do with the basics - food, mortgage, child care, etc. Rarely ate out and date nights were spent at home. Many fights about spending/saving. Struggled a lot - but now things are good.
Had two great kids - but even great kids can present big problems. Worked through that too. Spent some time seeking assistance from our church minister. That helped. No judging - just advice. Kids are now on their own and life is good for both of them.
No cheating. Really - none. We both took our marriage vows very seriously. That is one thing that has helped - we were both on the same page when it comes to “til death do us part.” And, “love and cherish in sickness and in health.”
Seems as if when life was particularly hard for one of us (death of parents), the other stepped up to the plate and took on more “family responsibility.” Marriage truly is a partnership.
The “passion” in marriage frequently dies. But, when it does, the “love” part should take hold strongly.
Remember what it was about your partner that drew you to him/her. Don’t focus on the flaws - Lord knows we all have them.

More than family stuff, carried the emotional load for awhile. You are so correct about what you wrote. Trust - that when things are hard, you'll be there. How can you experience this if you look at it as a 'starter marriage'?

He died. Problem solved!

I busted my wife red handed having an affair.

Anonymous wrote:I started my starter marriage at 21. Was done by 30, but stuck around. Now planning 50th anniversary celebration.

There's a current thread about having kids while "young," in your 20's. That's what we did, and were empty nesters by mid 40's. Life's been great, ever since!

You are not alone. Talk to any married couple for 30, 40 or 50 years and most will tell you there were times that were trying and some serious enough to have considered ending the marriage.

Congrats on the 50th and a wish for many more.

I was married for 4 years. Starter marriage ended when husband decided he did not want to work. At all. And spent all day reading comic books. We worked with that, hard, for a year, therapy, meds, the whole 9 but nothing gave and one day I came home to find that he moved out. Sad trombone, but in retrospect it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you go in with the idea of a "starter" marriage, then it's already over before it began.

Exactly. Well said and I couldn't agree more.

OP: Or did you attach this term only after you knew things went sour? Just wondering....

I don't think anyone uses this term until after it's over. It part of the relationship post-mortem when you realize it was a starter marriage.

Anonymous wrote:If you go in with the idea of a "starter" marriage, then it's already over before it began.

Exactly. Well said and I couldn't agree more.

OP: Or did you attach this term only after you knew things went sour? Just wondering....