Anonymous wrote:I feel the same way and thankfully as does my DH of 17yrs. I can't imaging atrophying in a life of dull monogamy. I just don't buy into that manufactured bullshit.

Ok. I wrote this. All I read was the original post because frankly I didn't Care what other people have to say because it is all so predictable. However from a post above this is seems that OP has come back and said she has trouble with friendships with other women? Women luke that are always nuts.

I'm out.

I am one of the PPs who agreed with op. I also agree with others regarding the empathy missing. I am typically a very empathetic person...in my scenario I have very little love left for DH. We are in therapy but basically I have shut down my emotions to live with him because he withholds emotional connection due to his reluctance to deal with any of his own feelings about anything other than our children. So I am definitely damaged on this front (I didn't always feel this way about cheating).

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same way and thankfully as does my DH of 17yrs. I can't imaging atrophying in a life of dull monogamy. I just don't buy into that manufactured bullshit.

Yes! The other manufactured bullshit I can't stand is when companies call it soy "milk".

Oh geez another woman trying to ingratiate herself with guys by being "one of the guys."

Women I know who can't make women friends and go for male companionship because they get the easy "poor baby". ..... Now when do you want to f*^%# kind of interaction. With women, it's just not that shallow, unconditional, stupid. You have to work to have women friends. I don't trust other women who say they can't make women friends.

I myself am a woman married to a man, very spock-like, unemotional, professional, successful and I have lots of women friends and go out of my way to make lady friends. I feel I have masculine approaches to problem solving and taking charge. I would never give up the friendships I have with other women.

OP, you sound defective on so many levels, empathy, sympathy, moral reasoning, interpersonal relationships. I wouldnt use your peep hole view to make any assumptions about why sometimes cheating is a big deal.

I feel the same way and thankfully as does my DH of 17yrs. I can't imaging atrophying in a life of dull monogamy. I just don't buy into that manufactured bullshit.

Anonymous wrote:I also feel similar to OP. OP have you ever been in love? I feel as though I'm close to my DW but not in love. I've never loved anyone. Have only felt love when I was in an unhealthy relationship, such as an affair. What is my problem?

I think you're afraid of intimacy. You married someone you're not in love with so that if she left you you wouldn't get hurt. You fall in love with affair partners because it's safe to do so. The marriage(s) are a boundary against the relationship becoming more serious. I don't think you're a sociopath, I think you have walls up around your emotions, and a deep need to protect yourself from being vulnerable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, OP. I've posted here for years about my husband not being into touch generally and having a fairly low sex drive. I was faithful all through our dating years, engagement and the first seven or so years of marriage. Then I met a guy who just swept me off my feet. I couldn't have stayed married without the OM, and it's definitely been best for my kids that their family is intact.

I would feel guilty if my affair prevented me from giving the time and attention to my husband and kids that they need and want, but since it didn't, it's a win win.

OP here. You're actually talking about a different scenario than I am. I am not talking about maintaining a mistress/mister on the side because that speaks to longterm duplicity and a host of other issues. I can definitely see how being an unwitting co-wife/co-husband would piss a person off.


I am talking about a simple oil change. A one-time cleaning of the pipes, so to speak. I don't see why one-offs without feelings, money, or time exchanged fill people with such guilt/anger.

In your first post, based on how your worded it, you are a man. Yet, your references makes it appear you are a woman. Now on this response to the woman poster you again use very male terms.

My insights exactly. The wording, lingo, syntax, all point to a very male pattern of speech. This is kind of a troll post or an intentionally misleading one. I get why, it is in the OPs interest to garner support for a type of behavior, and it is best to make it sound as if you are woman since most readers are in fact women, and they have been shown again and again to disproportionately support women over men. Still, this is a crappy way to post your opinions.

Well I don't know... My ex-H had several one-offs with different women, no emotional affairs, "only" serial cheating. He's never shown any guilt or remorse, so you're not alone OP. I've divorced him, took the kids and am certain he's a sociopath. Maybe you are one too?

Anonymous wrote:It's not about how it makes you feel, it's about how it makes your partner feel. A woman will feel threatened if her partner sleeps with someone else, and even more so if he has feelings for that person. A man will feel threatened if his partner sleeps with someone else, with or without feelings.

Perhaps because they have a conscious and realize they have betrayed the commitment/vow made to their partner to be true and refrain from such behavior.

I also feel similar to OP. OP have you ever been in love? I feel as though I'm close to my DW but not in love. I've never loved anyone. Have only felt love when I was in an unhealthy relationship, such as an affair. What is my problem?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, OP. I've posted here for years about my husband not being into touch generally and having a fairly low sex drive. I was faithful all through our dating years, engagement and the first seven or so years of marriage. Then I met a guy who just swept me off my feet. I couldn't have stayed married without the OM, and it's definitely been best for my kids that their family is intact.

I would feel guilty if my affair prevented me from giving the time and attention to my husband and kids that they need and want, but since it didn't, it's a win win.

OP here. You're actually talking about a different scenario than I am. I am not talking about maintaining a mistress/mister on the side because that speaks to longterm duplicity and a host of other issues. I can definitely see how being an unwitting co-wife/co-husband would piss a person off.


I am talking about a simple oil change. A one-time cleaning of the pipes, so to speak. I don't see why one-offs without feelings, money, or time exchanged fill people with such guilt/anger.

Are you on the autism spectrum? I'm not trying to be funny. I can understand if you don't think cheating is a big deal, but to not understand why anyone else would speaks to a level of social tone-deafness that is often found in people on the spectrum. A lack of empathy and an inability to put yourself in someone else's shoes.
You draw the line at spending money and time on someone else. Other people draw their line in a different place. I think the biggest problem is knowing where your partner draws his line and choosing to ignore it, even if it's just a one-off thing. Because that's just a shitty thing to do, whether we are talking about having sex with another person or something else.

I was thinking the same thing. Do you feel empathy for anyone, OP?

Not autism, sociopathy. OP should read Confessions of a Sociopath. It would probably be validating.

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the OP and I'm also a woman. I actually have never cheated on anyone, but wouldn't rule it out in the future and wouldn't really care if my husband did if I never found out and he was careful. (How could I care about something I don't even know about any way?) I also think people get so worked up over cheating when to me there are so many other things that people do in marriages that are so much more soul-sucking -- cruelty, mistreatment, loss of affection, constant nagging, etc.

Seems like you're contradicting yourself. You wouldn't care, except if you found out. Isn't that true for everyone? This is why its cheating. You're doing it behind your spouse's back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, OP. I've posted here for years about my husband not being into touch generally and having a fairly low sex drive. I was faithful all through our dating years, engagement and the first seven or so years of marriage. Then I met a guy who just swept me off my feet. I couldn't have stayed married without the OM, and it's definitely been best for my kids that their family is intact.

I would feel guilty if my affair prevented me from giving the time and attention to my husband and kids that they need and want, but since it didn't, it's a win win.

OP here. You're actually talking about a different scenario than I am. I am not talking about maintaining a mistress/mister on the side because that speaks to longterm duplicity and a host of other issues. I can definitely see how being an unwitting co-wife/co-husband would piss a person off.


I am talking about a simple oil change. A one-time cleaning of the pipes, so to speak. I don't see why one-offs without feelings, money, or time exchanged fill people with such guilt/anger.

Are you on the autism spectrum? I'm not trying to be funny. I can understand if you don't think cheating is a big deal, but to not understand why anyone else would speaks to a level of social tone-deafness that is often found in people on the spectrum. A lack of empathy and an inability to put yourself in someone else's shoes.
You draw the line at spending money and time on someone else. Other people draw their line in a different place. I think the biggest problem is knowing where your partner draws his line and choosing to ignore it, even if it's just a one-off thing. Because that's just a shitty thing to do, whether we are talking about having sex with another person or something else.

I was thinking the same thing. Do you feel empathy for anyone, OP?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the OP and I'm also a woman. I actually have never cheated on anyone, but wouldn't rule it out in the future and wouldn't really care if my husband did if I never found out and he was careful. (How could I care about something I don't even know about any way?) I also think people get so worked up over cheating when to me there are so many other things that people do in marriages that are so much more soul-sucking -- cruelty, mistreatment, loss of affection, constant nagging, etc.

So if your husband told this theoretical other woman that he loved her and wanted to take care of her, shared details about his life and was emotionally close to her, would that bother you?

That is not the situation posed by the OP. Go back and read her first post.

(OP) Thank you for correcting this person. I am not sure why people aren't getting that I don't mean a mistress or longterm cheating.

Quoted pp here. I don't need to be corrected, I hadn't gotten to my point yet. As a woman, you are less troubled by your male partner having a "clean the pipes" session with a stranger than you would be an on-going emotional relationship. Men are different - a man is more likely to be troubled by sexual infidelity than he would be by an emotional relationship. Again, it's that empathy thing. Your one-off sexual experience would be as soul-crushing to your husband as his emotionally supporting a mistress would be to you.

Have you ever been cheated on, op?