Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, people are really, really cold. I took care of my dad for 2 years before his death. I lived "rent free" in the house I grew up in. It was traumatic and difficult and really, really hard work. I couldn't have friends over or have a sex life. But it was my choice and I didn't expect to be compensated for it.

I remember my asshole brother coming to visit once and when I said something like, "Elder care is exhausting" he was like, "Looks to me like you just sit around watching Wheel of Fortune with dad. What's so exhausting about that?" I never wanted to speak to him again. I spent at least 30 hours a week calling doctors, driving him to appointments, making sense of his Medicare and health insurance paperwork, paying bills, attending every hospitalization and doctor visit because errors happened SO often, shopping for food, clothing, durable medical equipment, researching his various problems and possible treatments, preparing meals, cleaning, doing laundry, and simply keeping him company.

I'm really lucky that he died destitute because I never would have spoken to my brothers if they tried to compensate me at minimum wage for those hours or if they tried to claim that somehow I owed them $$ because I got to live there rent free. (In my case, I kept my own condo with my own mortgage in another state because none of us expected my father to live so long, but it woudl have been even worse if I gave up my own place. Living there rent free wasn't a perk. It was necessary, and it was a HUGE sacrifice on my part.)

That said, it's clear that your DH's parents could have changed their will but didn't. So I think the only fair thing would be to compensate your BIL for the increase in EQUITY in the home since he'd been making mortgage payments (look at the amortization schedule to see how much principal he paid during those years) and give that to him directly from the proceeds. Reimburse him for any improvements as well if he has records of that. Then split the rest equally. Do NOT nickel and dime him for care that you think he gave. You clearly have no clue how much work it can be, even with a mobile parent.

Thank you for posting this. I can not imagine nickel and diming a sibling who helped care for an aging parent. If you weren't there every day, you have NO IDEA what it's like.

Shame on the rest of you.

The adult sib wasn't doing any care taking, the parents and then parent were healthy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, reading the OP and some of these comments, I can understand why people fall out with siblings over stuff like this. My parents were specific in their will to avoid this sort of thing. Folks trying to itemize and place value on every littel thing. Personally, I would credit sibling the amount that he paid towards the mortgage - because he did create quity by paying it every month. After he was reimbursed, we would divide it equally. I know you are an IL and according to DCUM, you should not even be involved. But I think it is NOT good for the relationship for folks to be nitpicking what the sibling did or did not do. If he lived with them (even if it was rent free), he was doing stuff day to day just because he was there. Don't belittle that.

+100. The sibling should be reimbursed from the proceeds for the amount of the mortgage payments. The arrangement for the sibling living with parents is off limits - it was between parents and that sibling, and that time is over.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, people are really, really cold. I took care of my dad for 2 years before his death. I lived "rent free" in the house I grew up in. It was traumatic and difficult and really, really hard work. I couldn't have friends over or have a sex life. But it was my choice and I didn't expect to be compensated for it.

I remember my asshole brother coming to visit once and when I said something like, "Elder care is exhausting" he was like, "Looks to me like you just sit around watching Wheel of Fortune with dad. What's so exhausting about that?" I never wanted to speak to him again. I spent at least 30 hours a week calling doctors, driving him to appointments, making sense of his Medicare and health insurance paperwork, paying bills, attending every hospitalization and doctor visit because errors happened SO often, shopping for food, clothing, durable medical equipment, researching his various problems and possible treatments, preparing meals, cleaning, doing laundry, and simply keeping him company.

I'm really lucky that he died destitute because I never would have spoken to my brothers if they tried to compensate me at minimum wage for those hours or if they tried to claim that somehow I owed them $$ because I got to live there rent free. (In my case, I kept my own condo with my own mortgage in another state because none of us expected my father to live so long, but it woudl have been even worse if I gave up my own place. Living there rent free wasn't a perk. It was necessary, and it was a HUGE sacrifice on my part.)

That said, it's clear that your DH's parents could have changed their will but didn't. So I think the only fair thing would be to compensate your BIL for the increase in EQUITY in the home since he'd been making mortgage payments (look at the amortization schedule to see how much principal he paid during those years) and give that to him directly from the proceeds. Reimburse him for any improvements as well if he has records of that. Then split the rest equally. Do NOT nickel and dime him for care that you think he gave. You clearly have no clue how much work it can be, even with a mobile parent.

Thank you for posting this. I can not imagine nickel and diming a sibling who helped care for an aging parent. If you weren't there every day, you have NO IDEA what it's like.

Shame on the rest of you.

Anonymous wrote:DH's parents died a few years ago. One of his siblings took up residence in the family home during the last years of their life and afterwords as a pseudo caregiver but also lived for free most of the time. After their death DH and the other kids let the sibling continue to live at the residence but they all remained equal owners on paper. The sibling just assumed the mortgage because they could afford it at the time. Fast forward and sibling can no longer afford it (neither can anyone else) and wants to sell and is trying to get the other beneficiaries to sign over the property and forfeit their share. Everyone has different priorities and financial situations. WWYD?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, people are really, really cold. I took care of my dad for 2 years before his death. I lived "rent free" in the house I grew up in. It was traumatic and difficult and really, really hard work. I couldn't have friends over or have a sex life. But it was my choice and I didn't expect to be compensated for it.

I remember my asshole brother coming to visit once and when I said something like, "Elder care is exhausting" he was like, "Looks to me like you just sit around watching Wheel of Fortune with dad. What's so exhausting about that?" I never wanted to speak to him again. I spent at least 30 hours a week calling doctors, driving him to appointments, making sense of his Medicare and health insurance paperwork, paying bills, attending every hospitalization and doctor visit because errors happened SO often, shopping for food, clothing, durable medical equipment, researching his various problems and possible treatments, preparing meals, cleaning, doing laundry, and simply keeping him company.

I'm really lucky that he died destitute because I never would have spoken to my brothers if they tried to compensate me at minimum wage for those hours or if they tried to claim that somehow I owed them $$ because I got to live there rent free. (In my case, I kept my own condo with my own mortgage in another state because none of us expected my father to live so long, but it woudl have been even worse if I gave up my own place. Living there rent free wasn't a perk. It was necessary, and it was a HUGE sacrifice on my part.)

That said, it's clear that your DH's parents could have changed their will but didn't. So I think the only fair thing would be to compensate your BIL for the increase in EQUITY in the home since he'd been making mortgage payments (look at the amortization schedule to see how much principal he paid during those years) and give that to him directly from the proceeds. Reimburse him for any improvements as well if he has records of that. Then split the rest equally. Do NOT nickel and dime him for care that you think he gave. You clearly have no clue how much work it can be, even with a mobile parent.

Thank you for posting this. I can not imagine nickel and diming a sibling who helped care for an aging parent. If you weren't there every day, you have NO IDEA what it's like.

Shame on the rest of you.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, people are really, really cold. I took care of my dad for 2 years before his death. I lived "rent free" in the house I grew up in. It was traumatic and difficult and really, really hard work. I couldn't have friends over or have a sex life. But it was my choice and I didn't expect to be compensated for it.

I remember my asshole brother coming to visit once and when I said something like, "Elder care is exhausting" he was like, "Looks to me like you just sit around watching Wheel of Fortune with dad. What's so exhausting about that?" I never wanted to speak to him again. I spent at least 30 hours a week calling doctors, driving him to appointments, making sense of his Medicare and health insurance paperwork, paying bills, attending every hospitalization and doctor visit because errors happened SO often, shopping for food, clothing, durable medical equipment, researching his various problems and possible treatments, preparing meals, cleaning, doing laundry, and simply keeping him company.

I'm really lucky that he died destitute because I never would have spoken to my brothers if they tried to compensate me at minimum wage for those hours or if they tried to claim that somehow I owed them $$ because I got to live there rent free. (In my case, I kept my own condo with my own mortgage in another state because none of us expected my father to live so long, but it woudl have been even worse if I gave up my own place. Living there rent free wasn't a perk. It was necessary, and it was a HUGE sacrifice on my part.)

That said, it's clear that your DH's parents could have changed their will but didn't. So I think the only fair thing would be to compensate your BIL for the increase in EQUITY in the home since he'd been making mortgage payments (look at the amortization schedule to see how much principal he paid during those years) and give that to him directly from the proceeds. Reimburse him for any improvements as well if he has records of that. Then split the rest equally. Do NOT nickel and dime him for care that you think he gave. You clearly have no clue how much work it can be, even with a mobile parent.

Anonymous wrote:I would say sell the house and split anything leftover equally. The money that was spent paying the mortgage is not relevant, consider it rent. They'd have to pay some rent to live anywhere, why do they get to live rent free in that house?

If they had not been able to pay originally, the house would have been sold or rented at that point, what's the difference?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, reading the OP and some of these comments, I can understand why people fall out with siblings over stuff like this. My parents were specific in their will to avoid this sort of thing. Folks trying to itemize and place value on every littel thing. Personally, I would credit sibling the amount that he paid towards the mortgage - because he did create quity by paying it every month. After he was reimbursed, we would divide it equally. I know you are an IL and according to DCUM, you should not even be involved. But I think it is NOT good for the relationship for folks to be nitpicking what the sibling did or did not do. If he lived with them (even if it was rent free), he was doing stuff day to day just because he was there. Don't belittle that.

+100. The sibling should be reimbursed from the proceeds for the amount of the mortgage payments. The arrangement for the sibling living with parents is off limits - it was between parents and that sibling, and that time is over.

+200. This solution is fair and minimizes the itemizing and bean counting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, reading the OP and some of these comments, I can understand why people fall out with siblings over stuff like this. My parents were specific in their will to avoid this sort of thing. Folks trying to itemize and place value on every littel thing. Personally, I would credit sibling the amount that he paid towards the mortgage - because he did create quity by paying it every month. After he was reimbursed, we would divide it equally. I know you are an IL and according to DCUM, you should not even be involved. But I think it is NOT good for the relationship for folks to be nitpicking what the sibling did or did not do. If he lived with them (even if it was rent free), he was doing stuff day to day just because he was there. Don't belittle that.

+100. The sibling should be reimbursed from the proceeds for the amount of the mortgage payments. The arrangement for the sibling living with parents is off limits - it was between parents and that sibling, and that time is over.