I have four grown and gone.

One is Georgia
One is Florida
One in Wyomming
One overseas.

You have to let go. You've done your job and you've obviously done it well. She has the confidence to leave the nest and start her own life. Take some deep breaths and accept that it is time to let her go. Even if she stays in California, she'll come home to visit. You have no way of knowing what the future holds. Focus on the now moments. See your daughter as completely ready for this new chapter in her life. See yourself as ready for your new chapter as well. Things will be different. The first year is tough. But you'll find that it gets easier over time. ((Hugs)). It's hard, I know.

I went to college near home in CA and still ended up in DC. Now I feel like I'm part of a generational ping-pong game...I was born in the mid-Atlantic but moved to CA when I was little. We always visited out here when I was a kid and I liked the area so I moved here after college (parents paid for an in-state college). My parents and sister are still in CA. So, we visit there a lot and now DS loves CA and wants to move there when he grows up. So, if he does, and we stay here, will my grandkids want to move here? LOL

I'd prefer he minimize expenses by going to college here but if can go to college in CA for the budget we've set, that will be fine. But, I don't want him to go into debt just to go to college out of state. Clearly, from my example, you don't have to go to college in a region to end up working there.

OP, let go of the fear and focus on just having a good relationship with your kid. Despite the 3K miles between me and my parents, we have a close relationship, talk regularly, visit as much as we can. We're 200 miles from DH's family and rarely see or talk to them, mainly because they seem to resent that he moved away. I would LOVE to have my family that close, but only in the sense that I'd like it if they were 200 miles away HERE since I love my life in DC and never felt like I fit in CA.

Anonymous wrote:My concern would be that her overwhelming desire to go to California seems to have gotten in the way of her ability to distinguish among schools in California. Some of the schools on her list are really mediocre. Stanford, the Claremont colleges, and USC make sense (although maybe not for the same person), but Occidental and Mount Saint Mary's don't. Why are there no UCs on the list?

I guess my bottom line as a parent is that I won't dictate the location or type of school, but I will exercise quality control. This is an education not a vacation we're talking about -- and DC has to make the case that the school she wants to attend is a good choice in terms of putting her on the path toward a career that will enable her to become self-supporting.

You are clearly not familiar with Occidental. Its a really good school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This discussion made me sad. Am a 16 hour flight away from my parents and will probably be this way for the rest of my life and their lives. It was all fun and games when I decided to come here for college but now I worry about my parents getting older and sometimes when emergencies crop up its difficult to help them deal when I am not there.
Can't move back either, fell in love here and DH job is not mobile. Such is life.

Why don't your parents move closer to where you live?

We are all living longer and plan to have happy, active and productive lives well into our 80s and in some cases 90s. Part of that happiness includes enjoying the company of long-time friends, neighbors and remaining active in our communities. It is not a foregone conclusion that we will all be ready to retire and just pick up stakes to be with our kids. So, I envy the parents with kids still close by, knowing full well that we can't control their movements. For those of us with adult children on the west coast and are anchored by careers, friends, and community here, the choice to move is much more complicated.

+1000. PP with parents 16 hours away. This captures everything exactly.

Yes.

I went a long way from home for college and basically never went home again except for vacations. My parents have been nothing but gracious about it, but I know that it saddens them to have me and their grandchildren so far away. I really feel very ambivalent about having gone so far away for school. In some ways it was good for me, and there is no doubt that if I hadn't done it I'd have an entirely different job in an entirely different part of the country and I would not be married to DH so wouldn't have my children. OTOH, I suspect that my life would have turned out similarly and likely just as happily had I stayed in-state. And I would have been able to see my parents and extended family so much more.

We have told our DCs that they can look at colleges east of the Mississippi. I think that this gives them pretty wide latitude. We've also given them a limit on what we can afford, so in-state colleges are very much on the table. I'm not sorry about that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This discussion made me sad. Am a 16 hour flight away from my parents and will probably be this way for the rest of my life and their lives. It was all fun and games when I decided to come here for college but now I worry about my parents getting older and sometimes when emergencies crop up its difficult to help them deal when I am not there.
Can't move back either, fell in love here and DH job is not mobile. Such is life.

Why don't your parents move closer to where you live?

We are all living longer and plan to have happy, active and productive lives well into our 80s and in some cases 90s. Part of that happiness includes enjoying the company of long-time friends, neighbors and remaining active in our communities. It is not a foregone conclusion that we will all be ready to retire and just pick up stakes to be with our kids. So, I envy the parents with kids still close by, knowing full well that we can't control their movements. For those of us with adult children on the west coast and are anchored by careers, friends, and community here, the choice to move is much more complicated.

+1000. PP with parents 16 hours away. This captures everything exactly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This discussion made me sad. Am a 16 hour flight away from my parents and will probably be this way for the rest of my life and their lives. It was all fun and games when I decided to come here for college but now I worry about my parents getting older and sometimes when emergencies crop up its difficult to help them deal when I am not there.
Can't move back either, fell in love here and DH job is not mobile. Such is life.

Why don't your parents move closer to where you live?

We are all living longer and plan to have happy, active and productive lives well into our 80s and in some cases 90s. Part of that happiness includes enjoying the company of long-time friends, neighbors and remaining active in our communities. It is not a foregone conclusion that we will all be ready to retire and just pick up stakes to be with our kids. So, I envy the parents with kids still close by, knowing full well that we can't control their movements. For those of us with adult children on the west coast and are anchored by careers, friends, and community here, the choice to move is much more complicated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This discussion made me sad. Am a 16 hour flight away from my parents and will probably be this way for the rest of my life and their lives. It was all fun and games when I decided to come here for college but now I worry about my parents getting older and sometimes when emergencies crop up its difficult to help them deal when I am not there.
Can't move back either, fell in love here and DH job is not mobile. Such is life.

Why don't your parents move closer to where you live?

Because they are citizens of another country, with a house that is fully paid off and excellent free subsidized healthcare and a great public transport system in a society that is pretty crime free. Going through a laborious immigration system to come to the US where they can't move around freely without having to get a car, subject to medicare that may run up to thousands of dollars and where they pretty much can't speak the language is counterproductive. It may not be the best idea for older people to move, its not as easy as picking up and moving.

OP, why don't you tell her she's limited to schools that are in driving distance? It seems pretty reasonable to rule out colleges that require plane travel.

Anonymous wrote:Tell her NO give her a 500 mile radius. If she back talks immediately make it 250.

Read OP's post again. She's talking college, not kindergarden.

Anonymous wrote:This discussion made me sad. Am a 16 hour flight away from my parents and will probably be this way for the rest of my life and their lives. It was all fun and games when I decided to come here for college but now I worry about my parents getting older and sometimes when emergencies crop up its difficult to help them deal when I am not there.
Can't move back either, fell in love here and DH job is not mobile. Such is life.

Why don't your parents move closer to where you live?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her go, Mom. It's time. You did a great job to have a kid confident enough to strike out on her own like that.

Thanks but it isn't about "letting her go" to college -- it is the fear that she'll be gone for good. Looking down the road, I don't want to be a long-dstance grandmother!!!

why do you want to stick around here if your daughter establishes herself out west?

+1

A friend's dad just retired to Seattle because one of his daugthers is there. You can go TOO.

Yeah, wow that sounds so easy. Perhaps OP's home and life is here and she doesn't want to uproot at this stage of the game.

Life is about making choices. If being close to the grandkids is important to you, then you go. If your life here is more important to you than you don't go. You don't ask your child to sacrifice her life on the altar of your desires because you don't want to have to make hard choices.

Asking for only easy choices is pretty whiny, don't you think?

Anonymous wrote:DD will be a senior next year and is talking about college. Her first choice is Stanford, second choices are Occidental, University of Southern California and two of the Claremont Colleges. I harbored hope that her safety school would be on the east coast but yesterday she came home talking about Mount Saint Mary's (in LA) as her safety!!!

While we saved for her entire life for her to have this choice and I support her going away to school -- but I don't know anyone whose child graduated from a California school who came home after graduation.

Is this a concern for anyone else? DD is our one and only.

This makes me incredibly happy that I can only afford instate tuition.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her go, Mom. It's time. You did a great job to have a kid confident enough to strike out on her own like that.

Thanks but it isn't about "letting her go" to college -- it is the fear that she'll be gone for good. Looking down the road, I don't want to be a long-dstance grandmother!!!

why do you want to stick around here if your daughter establishes herself out west?

+1

A friend's dad just retired to Seattle because one of his daugthers is there. You can go TOO.

Yeah, wow that sounds so easy. Perhaps OP's home and life is here and she doesn't want to uproot at this stage of the game.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her go, Mom. It's time. You did a great job to have a kid confident enough to strike out on her own like that.

Thanks but it isn't about "letting her go" to college -- it is the fear that she'll be gone for good. Looking down the road, I don't want to be a long-dstance grandmother!!!

why do you want to stick around here if your daughter establishes herself out west?

+1

A friend's dad just retired to Seattle because one of his daugthers is there. You can go TOO.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her go, Mom. It's time. You did a great job to have a kid confident enough to strike out on her own like that.

Thanks but it isn't about "letting her go" to college -- it is the fear that she'll be gone for good. Looking down the road, I don't want to be a long-dstance grandmother!!!

I get it. I do. She might be gone for good. You can't control what she decides to do and if you try to control her, you will push her farther away. Take a deep breath and let her go and keep your fingers crossed that she comes back to you.