Anonymous
Post 04/07/2015 11:15     Subject: Re:DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.
Anonymous wrote:My husband had wanted to do a vacation with his family. I really didn't want to go but, after over 5 years of him talking about it, I finally agreed to one. It certainly wasn't the best vacation ever. Whenever I got annoyed or stressed, I grabbed a book and went and sat on the porch by myself. Or I went for a run. Or I insisted we needed more milk and ran to the store just to get away. I actually ended up doing a lot of that.

But my husband was really happy and appreciative. The kids spent time with relatives they don't see very often. My inlaws were very grateful. And I'll admit it wasn't all bad. Since then, he hasn't insisted we do another family vacation (although I'm guessing in a few years it will come up again) and I got to pick what we did the next year.

Basically, the fact that my husband and kids were so happy outweighed the negatives for me. Not that I'd do a vacation with his family every year (HELL NO!). But for me, one week every 6-7 years was one of those compromises/sacrifices you have to do in a marriage.

I don't see why, if you agree to go, you can't take some time off by yourself if there are too many people around, or just tell your inlaws you aren't participating in whatever it is they are scheduling.


I would do it if it were every 6-7 years, no problem. Unfortunately, in our case (not OP), it is every year - and we have VERY little vacation time. On top of that, the ILs exclude DH when we are there, their family dynamics suck, MIL does the charade for bragging rights (or bitching rights - so you can't win, really), they barely speak to each other, and if I want to sit around and read, I can do that at home for free.

But every 6-7 years would be no problem.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2015 10:57     Subject: DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:That vacation sounds like heaven to me. I really enjoy huge family gatherings. Instead my in laws would have us sitting in the house staring at us for a week with nothing to do.


I totally agree! Both my parents and my in-laws are so sedentary and lazy and never want to do anything but sit around and eat and watch TV. It drives me bonkers! When my parents come to town, my sister and I try and try to come up with outings b/c we don't want to just sit around. This sounds so fun, I would love it if my family or in-laws actually thought to plan trips and outings and have people over. The grass is always greener, right??
OP here. I'm fine with outings. But, I'm not kidding when I say on the last trip that our days were booked from 9 a.m. until bedtime. For 6 days straight. We have enough of that the rest of the year. I'd like for my kids to have some opportunity for free play with the cousins.
OP again - in fact, the only good day, IMO, was when one of the other couples' kids got sick and spent most of the day at the doctor (not that I'd wish that on anyone!), and we ended up just chilling by the pool. But even then, while the kids were completely entertained and happy, my MIL wanted to uproot them all and walk them to the beach. I said no, they are getting along great, they are contained in one space (ages range down to toddler) and I'm happy just sitting in my lounge chair. Of course, DH was on the iPad, his brother was too, and me and my BIL and SIL sat with the MIL and watched. But that was my definition of a great day.



OP, can't you speak to your in-laws prior to the trip and ask if one or two days can be slated for the pool? Or if you don't like one of the outings or don't feel like going, can't you just say that you and your kids or going to sit this one out? Are you afraid to speak up? It's your vacation too, you do have a right to pick and choose what you'd like to participate in.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2015 10:57     Subject: Re:DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This isn't specific to your situation. In general, though, I think it's unfair for someone to insist on a visit or vacation with his or her family and then withdraw into a phone or iPad most of the time, leaving all the interaction to the spouse.
OP here. This happens ALL the time.
And I should add... he's on the iPad, and they need help setting up for dinner. He's on the iPad, and the kids need to get ready to go to whatever outing is up next. He's on the iPad, and the house needs to be cleaned up for the party that night. So, yes, I could hole myself up in the room, but then we are the jerks who aren't doing anything.

Maybe the key to this is staying somewhere on our own.

Or maybe the key is DH no longer withdrawing, and instead engaging with his family and the situation he chose (and in fact insisted on)!
OP here. Yes, that would be great. Except I can't control what he does. He really sees this as his opportunity to "vacation" in that other people can watch his kids. Except he doesn't really convey that to anyone. Except me.


OK. To me, vacations should be mutually agreed upon or involve compromises that allow everyone's needs to be met.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2015 10:55     Subject: DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:That vacation sounds like heaven to me. I really enjoy huge family gatherings. Instead my in laws would have us sitting in the house staring at us for a week with nothing to do.


I totally agree! Both my parents and my in-laws are so sedentary and lazy and never want to do anything but sit around and eat and watch TV. It drives me bonkers! When my parents come to town, my sister and I try and try to come up with outings b/c we don't want to just sit around. This sounds so fun, I would love it if my family or in-laws actually thought to plan trips and outings and have people over. The grass is always greener, right??
OP here. I'm fine with outings. But, I'm not kidding when I say on the last trip that our days were booked from 9 a.m. until bedtime. For 6 days straight. We have enough of that the rest of the year. I'd like for my kids to have some opportunity for free play with the cousins.
OP again - in fact, the only good day, IMO, was when one of the other couples' kids got sick and spent most of the day at the doctor (not that I'd wish that on anyone!), and we ended up just chilling by the pool. But even then, while the kids were completely entertained and happy, my MIL wanted to uproot them all and walk them to the beach. I said no, they are getting along great, they are contained in one space (ages range down to toddler) and I'm happy just sitting in my lounge chair. Of course, DH was on the iPad, his brother was too, and me and my BIL and SIL sat with the MIL and watched. But that was my definition of a great day.

Anonymous
Post 04/07/2015 10:54     Subject: Re:DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This isn't specific to your situation. In general, though, I think it's unfair for someone to insist on a visit or vacation with his or her family and then withdraw into a phone or iPad most of the time, leaving all the interaction to the spouse.
OP here. This happens ALL the time.
And I should add... he's on the iPad, and they need help setting up for dinner. He's on the iPad, and the kids need to get ready to go to whatever outing is up next. He's on the iPad, and the house needs to be cleaned up for the party that night. So, yes, I could hole myself up in the room, but then we are the jerks who aren't doing anything.

Maybe the key to this is staying somewhere on our own.

Or maybe the key is DH no longer withdrawing, and instead engaging with his family and the situation he chose (and in fact insisted on)!
OP here. Yes, that would be great. Except I can't control what he does. He really sees this as his opportunity to "vacation" in that other people can watch his kids. Except he doesn't really convey that to anyone. Except me.


Maybe find an alternative vacation at an inclusive resort or something where there are some child care and kiddie activities that the kids can do while the grown ups (you and dh) rest.



Anonymous
Post 04/07/2015 10:50     Subject: DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:That vacation sounds like heaven to me. I really enjoy huge family gatherings. Instead my in laws would have us sitting in the house staring at us for a week with nothing to do.


I totally agree! Both my parents and my in-laws are so sedentary and lazy and never want to do anything but sit around and eat and watch TV. It drives me bonkers! When my parents come to town, my sister and I try and try to come up with outings b/c we don't want to just sit around. This sounds so fun, I would love it if my family or in-laws actually thought to plan trips and outings and have people over. The grass is always greener, right??
OP here. I'm fine with outings. But, I'm not kidding when I say on the last trip that our days were booked from 9 a.m. until bedtime. For 6 days straight. We have enough of that the rest of the year. I'd like for my kids to have some opportunity for free play with the cousins.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2015 10:49     Subject: Re:DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This isn't specific to your situation. In general, though, I think it's unfair for someone to insist on a visit or vacation with his or her family and then withdraw into a phone or iPad most of the time, leaving all the interaction to the spouse.
OP here. This happens ALL the time.
And I should add... he's on the iPad, and they need help setting up for dinner. He's on the iPad, and the kids need to get ready to go to whatever outing is up next. He's on the iPad, and the house needs to be cleaned up for the party that night. So, yes, I could hole myself up in the room, but then we are the jerks who aren't doing anything.

Maybe the key to this is staying somewhere on our own.

Or maybe the key is DH no longer withdrawing, and instead engaging with his family and the situation he chose (and in fact insisted on)!
OP here. Yes, that would be great. Except I can't control what he does. He really sees this as his opportunity to "vacation" in that other people can watch his kids. Except he doesn't really convey that to anyone. Except me.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2015 10:43     Subject: DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.
^due (not do)
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2015 10:43     Subject: Re:DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.
Anonymous wrote:When I was a SAHM I spent 2-3 weeks every summer taking my kids' to see my family in CA. DH usually did not come. Occasionally he'd come for a few days and we'd go somewhere for a few days. In our case, it was because he has limited vacation time that he'd prefer to save for more interesting trips and also that he'd get bored (he likes my parents so that wasn't an issue). I don't think my family ever thought it was odd.

If you are a SAHM then, yeah, probably hard to make the case for not going without causing some bad feelings. In that case I'd go but be firm about carving out time for yourself. But, if you are working and have to use precious vacation time for this annual trip, I think it's perfectly reasonable to go for just a few days and then let DH finish off the time on his own with the kids.


I think SAHMs have a right to say no to something like this. If this is going to be the one vacation that their family takes during the year (do to her husband's limited vacation leave) - yes, she has a say in where that vacation is. Strange you think that this is only the working spouse's call. I don't agree.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2015 10:36     Subject: DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.

And, make a deal with DH about that iPad. That seems to be a huge source of stress for you. Go with no complaints on the condition that he doesn't touch the iPad until noon each day and is cut off at dinner time.

Anonymous
Post 04/07/2015 10:33     Subject: DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.

If these trips are yearly, I would just make other plans and visit with family once every three years or so. Also, I don't know how long these individual visits last. Are they long weekends or week+ endeavors? You can shorten them up by a couple of days, blaming airline ticket prices or whatnot. As for the over-scheduling, you know what you're getting into so I'd just go with the flow if these are visits with different family members or beg off if they include trips to places you've already visited, like a park/museum/restaurant.

You're still in charge of your own time, even while on vacation with family. You don't give that up, although it seems like you feel quite trapped. I'd encourage you to ditch the anger and view this whole thing as an expression of love for your spouse. It's something that you guys can joke and roll your eyes about each night in bed throughout the trip. If it's absurd, please treat it as absurd.

You may even want to watch a few comedies about ridiculous family visits ahead of the trip to put you in a better mind set.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2015 10:32     Subject: DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.
Anonymous wrote:That vacation sounds like heaven to me. I really enjoy huge family gatherings. Instead my in laws would have us sitting in the house staring at us for a week with nothing to do.


I totally agree! Both my parents and my in-laws are so sedentary and lazy and never want to do anything but sit around and eat and watch TV. It drives me bonkers! When my parents come to town, my sister and I try and try to come up with outings b/c we don't want to just sit around. This sounds so fun, I would love it if my family or in-laws actually thought to plan trips and outings and have people over. The grass is always greener, right??
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2015 10:32     Subject: Re:DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This isn't specific to your situation. In general, though, I think it's unfair for someone to insist on a visit or vacation with his or her family and then withdraw into a phone or iPad most of the time, leaving all the interaction to the spouse.
OP here. This happens ALL the time.
And I should add... he's on the iPad, and they need help setting up for dinner. He's on the iPad, and the kids need to get ready to go to whatever outing is up next. He's on the iPad, and the house needs to be cleaned up for the party that night. So, yes, I could hole myself up in the room, but then we are the jerks who aren't doing anything.

Maybe the key to this is staying somewhere on our own.

Or maybe the key is DH no longer withdrawing, and instead engaging with his family and the situation he chose (and in fact insisted on)!
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2015 10:28     Subject: DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.
That vacation sounds like heaven to me. I really enjoy huge family gatherings. Instead my in laws would have us sitting in the house staring at us for a week with nothing to do.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2015 10:27     Subject: DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.
When we go, we schedule time apart from everybody so we can sneak out and do what we want as opposed to what everybody wants. But we're very much on the same page as far as what we like, and DH does not own an iPad LOL