Family's not easy in most situations. I think ours is generally better than average, but still has its pain points. The biggest point of tension with my husband's family is money and that goes back many generations on their side. FIL is an alcoholic and that has deep, painful repercussions for everyone, but my MIL is most badly effected by it all. We've offered to bail her out, pay for her to get her own place - the one offer of money to his side of the family that I was happy about - but she declined.

My siblings can be a bit insensitive, which I'm used to but it offends my husband - that part's getting better as we all get older. My dad also makes some flippant comments, that again I'm used to and I think it's funny, but my husband finds it off-putting. For me, it's tiring trying to navigate all the sensitivities and keep everyone from being offended, so while I'm happy to see my family for a visit, I'm usually anxious to get back home by day 3.

I really love my two SILS, my older brothers' wives.

It's taken some time to feel this way (I'm been married longer) and both are the type I'd never normally befriend, but love them for the way they've helped my elderly parents
and the perspective each brings.

My husband is the one with difficult in-laws. They've turned into anxious, critical, negative-- overall, just miserable, people. Yes, these are my parents and yes, it's too bad this is how I describe them but it is what it is. This is what years of sitting in front of cable news listening to how horrible the world is can do to people. And they're only in their mid-60s. If they won an all expenses paid first class trip around the world they'd find a problem with it. Nothing makes them happy except being in their neighborhood, which if course, if the best place on the planet and anyone who disagrees is an idiot. I've been trying to convince them to get involved with activities and book a few nice trips and they won't. My grandparents weren't this bad. They kept themselves busy and happy well into their 70s.

Every time my parents visit or we visit them there's some kind of conflict caused by them. My husband has been running out of patience with their behavior. He does his best, but the next step is to dramatically reduce contact, which we will be doing from now on. We both butt heads with them a lot because they don't know how to shut up.

If we've learned anything from their behavior as retirees, it's to always find a purpose, know when to keep your mouth shut, and never lose your sense of wonder.

Anonymous wrote:We get along fine. They irritate me sometimes, but then so do my parents and I love them dearly.

Yup this. I have two sets of inlaws, each lovely and aggravating in different ways. Same thing is true of my parents.


But we manage and our kids are blessed to have six grandparents in their lives.

Anonymous wrote:The Midwest comment makes me laugh--a good friend has in-laws in the Midwest and they are AWFUL. Fox News on 24/7 and racist rants at dinner. Terrible, terrible cooking (think Jello and green bean salads). A total refusal to do or try anything new.

My in-laws are from New England. They are warm, hospitable people. Their personalities drive me nuts in many ways, but we get along fine. The occasional issue with my FIL, who can be loud and inconsiderate, and my in-laws are constitutionally incapable of planning anything in advance, which can be really frustrating and annoying, but again, they are nice, welcoming people.

I wonder if I'm your good friend. This is my MIL - racist, Fox News, horrible cooking, complain about everything, evangelical Christian, no intellectual curiosity. Says horribly offensive homophobic comments and my brother is gay. Doesn't know how to interact with the kids unless it involves TV.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it is because all of my husband's family hails from the midwest. Sorry I'm not being smug here I just see so many people hate their mil or their sil or what have you. I can't relate! I get along with my brother's wife and her family too. I'm wondering if I just really lucked out or if what I experience is the norm?

My MIL is a wonderful lady who made me feel loved and welcome. She made me feel like her son made a wonderful choice and was grateful he found me. Who knows maybe they all talk behind my back.

I'm from the deep south. I have a great relationship with my in-laws. They do things that make me crazy sometimes, just like my own parents do. But I adore them! DH and I started dating at 15 and got married our senior years in college. We are almost 50. My MIL and FIL have been a part of my life for almost as long as I can remember. I have a DIL now and she is wonderful! My oldest really, really lucked out when she chose him. I also get along with my sisters, BIL's...... We just don't do drama in our family. At least not very often.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have strained relationships with extended family.

We don't do drama, either. It is new to me, so I stay away from it. Some people thrive on it - it is their way or no way! Of course, they would never admit it.

I really like what you said about your DIL. If you are able to see others' good points, and not take everything personally, it says a ton about you as a supportive individual who is able to see outside yourself. Your DIL is very lucky, indeed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it is because all of my husband's family hails from the midwest. Sorry I'm not being smug here I just see so many people hate their mil or their sil or what have you. I can't relate! I get along with my brother's wife and her family too. I'm wondering if I just really lucked out or if what I experience is the norm?

My MIL is a wonderful lady who made me feel loved and welcome. She made me feel like her son made a wonderful choice and was grateful he found me. Who knows maybe they all talk behind my back.

I'm from the deep south. I have a great relationship with my in-laws. They do things that make me crazy sometimes, just like my own parents do. But I adore them! DH and I started dating at 15 and got married our senior years in college. We are almost 50. My MIL and FIL have been a part of my life for almost as long as I can remember. I have a DIL now and she is wonderful! My oldest really, really lucked out when she chose him. I also get along with my sisters, BIL's...... We just don't do drama in our family. At least not very often.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have strained relationships with extended family.

I love this story. I remind myself that you can't have everything, and a nice, secure, happy, pleasant, supportive, kind, helpful MIL would have been a bonus. Mine's a nasty SOB.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it is because all of my husband's family hails from the midwest. Sorry I'm not being smug here I just see so many people hate their mil or their sil or what have you. I can't relate! I get along with my brother's wife and her family too. I'm wondering if I just really lucked out or if what I experience is the norm?

My MIL is a wonderful lady who made me feel loved and welcome. She made me feel like her son made a wonderful choice and was grateful he found me. Who knows maybe they all talk behind my back.

I'm from the deep south. I have a great relationship with my in-laws. They do things that make me crazy sometimes, just like my own parents do. But I adore them! DH and I started dating at 15 and got married our senior years in college. We are almost 50. My MIL and FIL have been a part of my life for almost as long as I can remember. I have a DIL now and she is wonderful! My oldest really, really lucked out when she chose him. I also get along with my sisters, BIL's...... We just don't do drama in our family. At least not very often.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have strained relationships with extended family.

inexact = interact

Anonymous wrote:We get along great. I hear there were issues with the oldest DIL, but my DH was the 4th of their children to get married so they had figured it out by the time I came on the scene.

4th of the boys to get married? If only DH's brothers would get married - IF ONLY!

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it is because all of my husband's family hails from the midwest. Sorry I'm not being smug here I just see so many people hate their mil or their sil or what have you. I can't relate! I get along with my brother's wife and her family too. I'm wondering if I just really lucked out or if what I experience is the norm?

My MIL is a wonderful lady who made me feel loved and welcome. She made me feel like her son made a wonderful choice and was grateful he found me. Who knows maybe they all talk behind my back.

My MIL is from the midwest. She acts nice in front of strangers (not immediate family members), but behind closed doors, she is depressed and selfish. Whatever she does is for appearances; and in twenty years, I doubt she has said anything nice about DH (and certainly not me - that would just about kill her). Which is outrageous, considering what DH has accomplished. Everything is about her - no matter whose wedding or funeral. So, I don't think it matters where someone is from; so much as them liking and respecting themselves enough to like and be kind to others, OP.

If someone is constantly looking for fault, real or imagined, they are going to find it, real or imagined. Some DILs get tired of this, because they figure out, after many years, that they can do no right. Some of those DILs start standing up for themselves, especially when they bring children into this world. Children grow up to find MIL (surprise!) depressed and selfish, without input from anyone. If, for example, that child's vacation time is taken with someplace they hate, with people who barely inexact with them, then those children's limited vacation times factor into MIL's ugliness. Soon, the child is asking why their limited vacation time is not spent with only people who love them and care enough to interact with them. And so it goes. Before long, DC find out what vacation and family are all about, and who they want to spend time with - much like DIL and DH.

Without saying a word, the next generation thinks the MIL is just a sad, ugly human being. Congratulations, MIL!

Point being, if you have a loving, warm, kind MIL with basic people skills and basic ability to love, be grateful - seriously. If you MIL engages and speaks to your children, and is involved in your family, be grateful. Bonus points if MIL is actually helpful - some of us could not fathom this at all.

Hopefully I have given you a very small snapshot of "the other side", and what some DILs have been dropped into. See, it is not always the DILs fault. Sometimes the DIL comes from a large, warm, welcoming, fun, accomplished, happy family - into a family that is opposite, and together for appearance sake; which is no fun for anyone. It can be quite hellish on "holidays" and "vacations".

We get along great. I hear there were issues with the oldest DIL, but my DH was the 4th of their children to get married so they had figured it out by the time I came on the scene.

I do!! I love my MIL and get along with her better than I do with my own mom. FIL is a sweet guy and SIL/BIL's are all nice people.

Yes, we get along with our families. It is possible!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Midwest comment makes me laugh--a good friend has in-laws in the Midwest and they are AWFUL. Fox News on 24/7 and racist rants at dinner. Terrible, terrible cooking (think Jello and green bean salads). A total refusal to do or try anything new.

My in-laws are from New England. They are warm, hospitable people. Their personalities drive me nuts in many ways, but we get along fine. The occasional issue with my FIL, who can be loud and inconsiderate, and my in-laws are constitutionally incapable of planning anything in advance, which can be really frustrating and annoying, but again, they are nice, welcoming people.

Now concerned my DH has a secret wife as this describes my IL's to a tee.

New Englanders are awesome, unless you wrong them -then, there is hell to pay. I would LOVE warm, welcoming, kind, funny, fun, generous New England ILs to hang with me and my NE friends