My dad married his AP. My parents had a horrible marriage and--with distance-- I don't blame my dad for leaving, because my mom is incredibly depressive, neurotic, negative and all of those traits were magnified with my dad, who shuts down emotionally with "needy" women (including his daughter) and is basically pretty self-centered. He had an affair, and they were together starting, I'm guessing, around 2 years before my mom found out (and I suspected, in fact, something was going on). I was 14 when the shit hit the fan. The split was no surprise, the affair was--I guess my dad had been wanting to leave for a long time, my mom insisted on waiting until both kids in college. She raged a lot after he left and did all the things you're not supposed to do--especially in engaging in character destroying. 30 years later, she still is vituperative about him and his wife, and its just sad.

Did it end happily? Its complicated.

My dad remarried his AP and while its not perfect, they've been together 25 years. My mom met someone MUCH better suited to her, and they eventually got married but he died a few years ago and my mom is lonely and neurotic again.

The split was devasting on us kids. Not the divorce itself, but the horrendous way they handled it (or not). my dad essentially took off with his girlfriend and never gave us a change to adjust--I went from a fucked up but intact family one week to my dad living with his AP the next and not understanding why I didn't want to come over for dinner. Stepmom, who did't have kids of her own, was very insecure, particularly about my dad's attachment to me and did her best to separate us. She's still a difficult person. My brother's reaction was to withdraw and to never have a good model of what it means to be a man. Between my dad's selfish/cluelessness and my mom's character assassination, and the fact that neither parent ever considered how the kids were dealign with this, he got kind of lost and entered into a terrible marriage with a neurotic, depressive woman a lot like my mom, I think because he feels "protective" of her the way he does with his mom and doesn't want to be like his dad.

The whole thing made me very untrusting of me and I got into a string of bad relationships, although now I'm happily married with kids, but I was very late in doing so.


Bottom line: a clean, calm divorce would have been far better than what happened. Not sure my mom would have been able to participate in a calm divorce, but the affair gave her ammo for her emotional issues. At the same time, I get why people have affairs--I truly do. I would just think that a separation that could be done with as little drama as possible, and as much space for the kids to adjust as possible before thrusting them into a new configuration is best.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman.

They were married to others and had an affair with each other?

No, she was the other woman. He was married, with children.

My mom was the AP and she married him 15 yrs ago. Our big blended family (Inc now grandkids ) spend Christmases together. I've gone to his kids weddings, baby showers, ect.

his ex wife is a piece of work and her own kids don't even want to spend time with her.

Anonymous wrote:Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman.

They were married to others and had an affair with each other?

My great grandfather and my great grandmother. They were married for 50 yrs and happy until he died. My great grandmother and the first wide ended up being good friends and the kids were/are very close

My Grandmother left my grandfather who had been having a long term affair. But she left because he was abusive. He married his girlfriend and they seem happy. They have been married 23 or 24 yrs I think.

My friends husband of 8 yrs left her and her ex husband is now engaged. I think his personality is better with his fiance.

My FIL married his AP 25 years ago. FIL and MIL still can't be in the same room together. A lot of acrimony on both sides. It ruined my FIL's relationships with his kids, too- they all have a very strained relationship. Family gatherings are very awkward.

Yes, but only one of us was married, and there were no kids involved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't people just get divorced if their marriage is failing? It's really selfis to have affairs, so OP you are pathetic to try and rationalize it.

A lot of people who have affairs don't want to get divorced, PP. The affair isn't always a cry for help. I'm not commenting on that mentality one way or the other. Just pointing out that there are plenty of people who want to have sex on the side. Their spouse performs a different role - provider, caregiver, etc. The AP is lover, sexual release, friend, confidante, etc.

THIS!

Anonymous wrote:Why can't people just get divorced if their marriage is failing? It's really selfis to have affairs, so OP you are pathetic to try and rationalize it.

A lot of people who have affairs don't want to get divorced, PP. The affair isn't always a cry for help. I'm not commenting on that mentality one way or the other. Just pointing out that there are plenty of people who want to have sex on the side. Their spouse performs a different role - provider, caregiver, etc. The AP is lover, sexual release, friend, confidante, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Why not just wait until your kids are grown? Surely this great love can survive that long.

I did just that.

Why can't people just get divorced if their marriage is failing? It's really selfis to have affairs, so OP you are pathetic to try and rationalize it.

Anonymous wrote:Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman.

He cheated on her repeatedly

I think it depends on how you define success, OP. As you can see from these answers, people's history is varied and their feelings mixed.

There are celebrity examples. There are also every day examples that you wouldn't know unless you specifically asked.

Anonymous wrote:Come on OP, even if you get your wish, divorce, marry the AP and all the kids become super happy Brady Bunch kids..you know it is just a matter of time before you cheat on the new spouse. Once a cheater....

There's one kid total in the mix; it could be a lot worse and we are young (early 30s ) and can add to it if we end up together. I've heard that saying before, once a cheater , etc.. Hopefully the level of closeness and intimacy will improve if AP and I stay together. Actually anything would be an improvement so cheating due to unmet needs would be way in the back of my mind. Not being foolish and saying it couldn't happen but that's why we are where we are right now.

Anonymous wrote:Married my AP 14 years ago. I was married, he was not. Not great first marriage (clearly), but XH and I get along better now than when we were married. Two kids by XH, incredibly well-adjusted, productive members of society, two more kids with 2nd husband.
XH and I have always made a very concentrated effort to put our kids first, we are able to sit together at sporting events, graduations, etc---people are surprised to learn that we are divorced. He comes to my extended family functions, I went to the funeral of his father.

How old are your kids? I didn't realize the issues that stemmed from my mom's affair/parents' divorce until I was in my late 20s.