Anonymous
04/01/2015 15:50
Subject: My Dad told me to change my name
Anonymous wrote:I have been with my husband for 8 years. We finally married last year. I made the deliberate decision to keep my maiden name because it means a lot to me and I already have a career.
This weekend my father and I had a fight over a lot of built up frustrations. At the end, he told me to change my name because he no longer wants me to have his name. I don't know why this is bothering me. I know that he said it to be mean, but it is really is getting to me.
His problems with me are:
1) He hates that I left home and went to college on the East Coast. (This was me disowning my family in his eyes)
2) He hates that my children are not close enough for him to have a relationship with.
3) He thinks that I love my mother more than him. (Not true)
4) He thinks that I blame him for ruining my parents marriage by cheating. (Also not true)
Why we truly don't have a relationship:
1) He was an absent father
2) He has visited me 2x in the past 12 years.
3) Every time we talk he tells me how awful I am
You know there is no solution for your father's problems. You know there is nothing you can say or do to make him normal or a good father.
He doesn't own your name. You do. You decide when to change it, and when to keep it.
Anonymous
03/31/2015 12:23
Subject: Re:My Dad told me to change my name
OP,
I commiserate with you.
He sounds just like my Mom - unhappy and narcissistic.
She asked me why I was bothering to try to have a child since that child would live too far away to have a relationship with her. (4 hours drive btw).
She's a very unhappy person and for years I bent over backwards to try and help her be happy. I finally realized that unhappy was her normal. It was where she was comfortable. I couldn't change that and it's also not my job to help her be happy.
Just do you and let him do him.
I commiserate with you.
He sounds just like my Mom - unhappy and narcissistic.
She asked me why I was bothering to try to have a child since that child would live too far away to have a relationship with her. (4 hours drive btw).
She's a very unhappy person and for years I bent over backwards to try and help her be happy. I finally realized that unhappy was her normal. It was where she was comfortable. I couldn't change that and it's also not my job to help her be happy.
Just do you and let him do him.
Anonymous
03/31/2015 11:47
Subject: Re:My Dad told me to change my name
Yes -- feminism is about being able to choose. I kept my last name because I liked it!Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And that is the irony of the whole should I change my name debate. When one does not change her name, she is identifying with her fathers family. It's still a mans name. The stupidity of feminism
Eff off. This is not "feminism" you dolt. Go spew your bitter crap elsewhere. This does not help OP at all.
Anonymous
03/31/2015 11:46
Subject: My Dad told me to change my name
Agree -- and keep on working on setting those boundaries, OP. It takes years sometimes (at least it took me years!) but it will be a great comfort. You still have some work to do if your father's mean comment can affect you so deeply after you already know that he's a jerk. So sorry you have to put up with that.Anonymous wrote:yeah, it's also YOUR name. There is not need to change it. Agree with the person that says he sounds toxic. Sorry you are having to deal with that!
Anonymous
03/31/2015 11:42
Subject: Re:My Dad told me to change my name
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And that is the irony of the whole should I change my name debate. When one does not change her name, she is identifying with her fathers family. It's still a mans name. The stupidity of feminism
Eff off. This is not "feminism" you dolt. Go spew your bitter crap elsewhere. This does not help OP at all.
x one billion.
Also, the cycle must be broken somewhere. We might as well start by keeping our maiden names.
Anonymous
03/31/2015 11:41
Subject: My Dad told me to change my name
OP, I'm the one who suggested changing your name to something else than your husband's last name.
We crossposted and I couldn't read the post about how terrific your paternal grandpa was till after I had hit send.
That's reason enough to keep your current surname. Just think of it as your grandfather's surname and not as the surname of the man who sired you.
I had a wonderful grandpa, too. He was my Mum's dad. If it weren't such a legal hassle in my country (especially since I graduated with the surname I have from birth, i.e. that of the man who sired me, who is a father in inverted commas at best), I would change it to my maternal grandfather's surname in a heartbeat. I can totally relate to your wanting to honour your grandfather.
We crossposted and I couldn't read the post about how terrific your paternal grandpa was till after I had hit send.
That's reason enough to keep your current surname. Just think of it as your grandfather's surname and not as the surname of the man who sired you.
I had a wonderful grandpa, too. He was my Mum's dad. If it weren't such a legal hassle in my country (especially since I graduated with the surname I have from birth, i.e. that of the man who sired me, who is a father in inverted commas at best), I would change it to my maternal grandfather's surname in a heartbeat. I can totally relate to your wanting to honour your grandfather.
Anonymous
03/31/2015 10:20
Subject: Re:My Dad told me to change my name
Anonymous wrote:And that is the irony of the whole should I change my name debate. When one does not change her name, she is identifying with her fathers family. It's still a mans name. The stupidity of feminism
Eff off. This is not "feminism" you dolt. Go spew your bitter crap elsewhere. This does not help OP at all.
Anonymous
03/31/2015 09:20
Subject: Re:My Dad told me to change my name
And that is the irony of the whole should I change my name debate. When one does not change her name, she is identifying with her fathers family. It's still a mans name. The stupidity of feminism