Anonymous wrote:Op again. I'm in tears. I'm not sure it's just pms hormones or if it's because I'm realizing I've been living in denial for a decade, and that perhaps I did marry the wrong guy, and I'm only realizing it after having two children with him. I've always spoken highly of him to everyone close to me. I've even been in therapy before and I've always painted him as a really good guy to my therapist, that he was perfectly normal and that there was something wrong with me that I needed to fix.

Does it really sound that bad? Consider that you are just hearing the bad parts here. There are good parts too, although they seem fewer now than before. Also, you're hearing one perspective. I was a little shocked at the responses.... I honestly did not expect it. The mere thought of putting the kids through divorce is breaking my heart right now.

When our older child was younger, we used to put on act as if we were parents in love with each other. Because I wanted dc to see that her parents loved each other. But I can't bring myself to do it anymore, at least not well.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Reading this is truly depressing me. It doesn't help that we've barely spent any time together alone since our second was born.

To answer some questions:
I married him because I fell for him. And early on, I decided he was the one.
He is actually good with the kids and helps out a lot with our older child.
Yes, I do think he thinks the baby is more my domain. Hence I carry the baby and diaper bag most of the time.
No, he's not from a culture that doesn't help wives and with kids. But he comes from a family where that was the situation. And so did I.

He's selfish. It's something we've always fought about. I draw the line at calling him an asshole, but yes, he's very selfish. He's actually much better now with that then he was when I first met him. I paid the bill on our first date. He kept procrastinating on proposing to me, so finally I proposed, he said, uh sure. He always steals food right out of my hand as I'm eating. He suggested I drive myself into the hospital when I went into labor, so he didn't have to come pick me up. I said, no, you need to pick me up. I carried my overnight bag into the hospital when I was in labor, with both kids. He even stuffed some of his own things into my bag and let me carry it. The first time I was in the hospital bed, in labor and dilated, he told me he was going to go out and get some stuff done. I said, you are not going ANYWHERE.

He claims he doesn't do conventional things for me like open doors, carry groceries in, etc, because it reinforces the idea that women are less capable than men. And he doesn't want to send that message to his daughter. He hates all conventional girl things, like fashion, makeup, anything pink, because he thinks these things serve to make women stupid and weak. So he's not your typical asshole. He's something else entirely, but still completely infuriating.

How have I coped? Most times I live in this fantasy in my head, that I am single. So that I expect nothing from him, and if he does do something for me, it is a pleasant surprise. A bonus. Because the alternative would be that we would fight every single day and I'd be angry all the time. And he fights dirty. If he feels attacked or criticized, his response is to hurt me as deeply as possible. So... We rarely fight. Yes, I know it's completely dysfunctional. But it's where we're at. Also I think of that book "a thousand splendid suns" (abusive husband) and I am able to feel grateful for what I have.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Reading this is truly depressing me. It doesn't help that we've barely spent any time together alone since our second was born.

To answer some questions:
I married him because I fell for him. And early on, I decided he was the one.
He is actually good with the kids and helps out a lot with our older child.
Yes, I do think he thinks the baby is more my domain. Hence I carry the baby and diaper bag most of the time.
No, he's not from a culture that doesn't help wives and with kids. But he comes from a family where that was the situation. And so did I.

He's selfish. It's something we've always fought about. I draw the line at calling him an asshole, but yes, he's very selfish. He's actually much better now with that then he was when I first met him. I paid the bill on our first date. He kept procrastinating on proposing to me, so finally I proposed, he said, uh sure. He always steals food right out of my hand as I'm eating. He suggested I drive myself into the hospital when I went into labor, so he didn't have to come pick me up. I said, no, you need to pick me up. I carried my overnight bag into the hospital when I was in labor, with both kids. He even stuffed some of his own things into my bag and let me carry it. The first time I was in the hospital bed, in labor and dilated, he told me he was going to go out and get some stuff done. I said, you are not going ANYWHERE.

He claims he doesn't do conventional things for me like open doors, carry groceries in, etc, because it reinforces the idea that women are less capable than men. And he doesn't want to send that message to his daughter. He hates all conventional girl things, like fashion, makeup, anything pink, because he thinks these things serve to make women stupid and weak. So he's not your typical asshole. He's something else entirely, but still completely infuriating.

How have I coped? Most times I live in this fantasy in my head, that I am single. So that I expect nothing from him, and if he does do something for me, it is a pleasant surprise. A bonus. Because the alternative would be that we would fight every single day and I'd be angry all the time. And he fights dirty. If he feels attacked or criticized, his response is to hurt me as deeply as possible. So... We rarely fight. Yes, I know it's completely dysfunctional. But it's where we're at. Also I think of that book "a thousand splendid suns" (abusive husband) and I am able to feel grateful for what I have.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Reading this is truly depressing me. It doesn't help that we've barely spent any time together alone since our second was born.

To answer some questions:
I married him because I fell for him. And early on, I decided he was the one.
He is actually good with the kids and helps out a lot with our older child.
Yes, I do think he thinks the baby is more my domain. Hence I carry the baby and diaper bag most of the time.
No, he's not from a culture that doesn't help wives and with kids. But he comes from a family where that was the situation. And so did I.

He's selfish. It's something we've always fought about. I draw the line at calling him an asshole, but yes, he's very selfish. He's actually much better now with that then he was when I first met him. I paid the bill on our first date. He kept procrastinating on proposing to me, so finally I proposed, he said, uh sure. He always steals food right out of my hand as I'm eating. He suggested I drive myself into the hospital when I went into labor, so he didn't have to come pick me up. I said, no, you need to pick me up. I carried my overnight bag into the hospital when I was in labor, with both kids. He even stuffed some of his own things into my bag and let me carry it. The first time I was in the hospital bed, in labor and dilated, he told me he was going to go out and get some stuff done. I said, you are not going ANYWHERE.

He claims he doesn't do conventional things for me like open doors, carry groceries in, etc, because it reinforces the idea that women are less capable than men. And he doesn't want to send that message to his daughter. He hates all conventional girl things, like fashion, makeup, anything pink, because he thinks these things serve to make women stupid and weak. So he's not your typical asshole. He's something else entirely, but still completely infuriating.

How have I coped? Most times I live in this fantasy in my head, that I am single. So that I expect nothing from him, and if he does do something for me, it is a pleasant surprise. A bonus. Because the alternative would be that we would fight every single day and I'd be angry all the time. And he fights dirty. If he feels attacked or criticized, his response is to hurt me as deeply as possible. So... We rarely fight. Yes, I know it's completely dysfunctional. But it's where we're at. Also I think of that book "a thousand splendid suns" (abusive husband) and I am able to feel grateful for what I have.

Anonymous wrote: When I was 9 months pregnant and couldn't see my feet and bend over to reach my shoes, I asked him to help me with zipping up my boots. His response- "I don't want to set a bad precedent." I put the damn boots on myself by lying on the couch, thinking what a jerk he was.