Anonymous
Post 03/27/2015 09:01     Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.


I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2015 09:00     Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:I can honestly say I would be thrilled (MIL lives in town, too, but chooses to not be involved = selfish). But MIL should have called first. Can DH talk to her about that?



She DID call! DH forgot to realy the message to OP.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2015 08:42     Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2015 08:38     Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
OP, I understand all that you are saying and feeling. But, I personally would not be upset at all. I'd be delighted to see my MIL at almost any moment. I'm thrilled that she loves my kids and they love her. Want to take them to the park for an hour, give me an hour off and buy me dinner??? BONUS! Send your MIL to my house next time.

Please try to be nicer to her. Someday your son will marry a woman.... treat your MIL the way you would want that woman to treat you.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2015 08:34     Subject: Re:Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:None of what this MIL did would bother me one bit. What OP is failing to see is her MIL thinks of her as her daughter. I wish my MIL had been like that.


So you'd be fine with someone letting herself in with a key that was only supposed to be used in emergencies? Because if you read OP's post at 22:19, you'd see that this has been going on for 3 years.


She didn't mention anything about MIL having a key and walking in unannounced. I agree with PP she probably thinks of DIL as a daughter.


Clearly you haven't read the posts
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2015 08:32     Subject: Re:Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:I agree with the posts about boundaries. This seems like pushiness masquerading as good intentions. She pushes to come pick up her things at an inconvenient time, and then, once that door is open, pushes to spend time with DS, then, once that door is open, pushes to stay for dinner... it sounds like you guys just need to be much firmer about what you can and cannot do, and once an answer is given, don't budge!


+1

Plus the PP who suggested that DH has got to be more on top of this. He's letting his mom get away with way too much--you are too, frankly, OP, but if DH took early steps to head it off at the pass, you wouldn't have to, and I think that's key.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2015 08:28     Subject: Re:Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
I agree with the posts about boundaries. This seems like pushiness masquerading as good intentions. She pushes to come pick up her things at an inconvenient time, and then, once that door is open, pushes to spend time with DS, then, once that door is open, pushes to stay for dinner... it sounds like you guys just need to be much firmer about what you can and cannot do, and once an answer is given, don't budge!
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2015 08:25     Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:I think you lack appreciation for a very thoughtful MIL. You can choose to have a great relationship with her or you can have your self contained nuclear family. I spent years begging my MIL to see my child. I always let it be on her terms and as a result my child hardly spent any time with her. In a way I see this as the reverse you are trying to make contact be on your terms. Love and family should be more organic. More relaxed. Can you not imagine yourself 25 years from now? Imagine loving your son for all those years and now your just not welcome without an appointment. I know you want your own life but really you can't spare a little love for your husband's mother or your child's grandmother?


OP is hardly denying access! MIL is over one day a weekend, PLUS sometimes dinner during the week! That is a LOT of time! Sheesh.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2015 08:10     Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
^If she shows up like that again, stand up and say "I'm a mess, can't visit right now!" (or something like that) and go inside. Let dh deal with her.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2015 08:08     Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Lesson learned. Your dh should have given you a heads up that she was coming and had whatever it was that she needed to pick up out on the doorstep and ready for her. When she showed up he could have loaded it in the car and that would have (or should have) been it.

Talk to your dh and let him know that you do not appreciate these spur of the moment drop bys because his mother takes the opportunity to put you on the spot in front of your child. You love MIL but you really can't have her doing this. Hopefully he'll work with you to manage and put an end to this. Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2015 07:03     Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
You need some boundaries--starting with DH and yourself!

Too little time to respond thoroughly, but you can start in little ways. "I am enjoying getting some one on one time with DS after a busy week. DH is in the house and can help you get those things!" "We really relish the few times we get to see my parents, so we will look forward to seeing you next weekend" (instead of inviting her, sheesh!)

Talk with DH about holding the line when something is not a good time and not saying yes until he checks with you!
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2015 06:33     Subject: Re:Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:
Your MIL sounds insecure because your parents are coming to town. Hope she backs off a little and gives them some bonding time with you and your family since they only see you a few times a year.


This is my though. We don't mix grandparents. Tell MIL you will see her next week. Your parents need to build a relationship with your son.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2015 05:34     Subject: Re:Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:None of what this MIL did would bother me one bit. What OP is failing to see is her MIL thinks of her as her daughter. I wish my MIL had been like that.


So you'd be fine with someone letting herself in with a key that was only supposed to be used in emergencies? Because if you read OP's post at 22:19, you'd see that this has been going on for 3 years.


She didn't mention anything about MIL having a key and walking in unannounced. I agree with PP she probably thinks of DIL as a daughter.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2015 05:04     Subject: Re:Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:None of what this MIL did would bother me one bit. What OP is failing to see is her MIL thinks of her as her daughter. I wish my MIL had been like that.


So you'd be fine with someone letting herself in with a key that was only supposed to be used in emergencies? Because if you read OP's post at 22:19, you'd see that this has been going on for 3 years.
Anonymous
Post 03/27/2015 05:02     Subject: Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over
Anonymous wrote:Op, you could try talking to her ~


See OP's post at 22:19