Anonymous wrote:Nope. I never wanted any kids at all. DH desperately wanted kids. We compromised on one. As I thought, I still don't like kids, and don't enjoy parenting. But I love my DH, so he's got his one.

I'm sorry you're sad, OP.

Do you like your own kid?

I definitely feel sad sometimes. I could list 100 reasons why having one child is the best thing for our family, but just last week at my GYN's office, a woman brought her newborn along for her appointment and when she showed him to me I immediately teared up; not like, oops, I'm a little emotional, but like, I'm about two seconds away from bursting into uncontrollable, ugly sobs. I'm pulled it together, but, wow, the intensity of my reaction took me by surprise. I also get teary when I get a Carter's catalog in the mail. Why do they keep sending them? My son is 9.

I consider myself very fortunate to have a child and I am grateful for him every day. Just like when he was a baby and I would be happy to see him for the umpteenth feeding in the middle of the night, now when I hear "mom, mom" incessantly, I feel that little tug in my heart that reminds me how lucky I am.

And yet, I can't fully embrace the decision I've made and put the thoughts of another completely out of my mind.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. This is part of why we think about moving away, closer to my family. DD has cousins down south, and they are close to her age. Though my sister and I couldn't be more different in how we raise kids, I think it would be good for her to grow up with her cousins.

Hi, OP. PP with the secondary infertility back. This is what we did, though this was just one of the reasons for our move. It's been such a wonderful change for our son, who has frequent playdates with his cousins, sleepovers, etc. He has one little younger cousin who he loves to dote on and call his "brother." Our child is old enough to understand that I cannot "make another baby" and that families are grown in different ways. But while we wait this gives him an outlet and a secure little community of his own.

I'm not at all saying this is what you should do. Only you know that. But just thought I would give you some perspective from someone who's BTDT.

First: I would be a very different parent if I had done it younger. And I think I would have been much worse. I was much more impulsive, easily angered, obsessed with travel and eating out. Oh I would have resented the heck out of my baby. I'm glad I waited until I got some perspective and mellowed out. It was not by choice but I'm glad my life worked out this way.

Second: There has actually been research to try to confirm the only child stereotypes (lonely, spoiled, poor social skills) and ... Nothing. It's just not true.

Third: it occurred to me at some point that a lot of my only child friends chose to have only children themselves. Isn't that proof that it can feel like a really ideal childhood?

OP, every once on a great while, I do. I love my son with all my heart and sometimes wish he had a sibling. But, I recognize that I am SO DAMN LUCKY to have him at all, and he is unique and wonderful. More kids when he was young just were not in the cards (I left an abuser and am remarrying fifteen years later).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life. I was 35 when we got married, and we started trying right away. Sometimes things don't happen the way you think they should.

Thanks to the other PPs. I appreciate the support. I never feel like it's wrong to have only one, or that I somehow failed. We went to hell and back trying. The kid we have is definitely meant to be ours. Sometimes, I just wish I could give her a sibling, for her and for us.

These discussions happen every so often in my office and no one means any offense. I usually just stay quiet. I don't usually walk away feeling less than, but today was different.

Even if you started trying right away, at 35, your chances are significantly reduced.

How is this helpful? Seriously? Thank you, WebMD, but this is not necessary. I'm pretty sure OP knows that.

Yes. I have secondary infertility and, three years after we started trying for #2, we are now in the adoption waiting game.

It's normal to feel sad. And it is hard to see other women with more than one child or who are pregnant or who talk about how wonderful their kids are together. It doesn't make them evil for talking about it, anymore than it makes you evil for feeling sad. As long as you are not walking around in the throes of major depression everyday, you are doing just fine. It's like mourning someone you loved who died - it's intense in the beginning, fades with time, and ocassionally wells up at certain times. That's life.

Hugs to you, OP. I'll spare you the tropes about appreciating the one you have blah blah blah b/c I know you already do.

I'm married and have no children. Met my husband when I was 40, married at 42, now I'm in my early 50s. My husband was clear that he didnt' want any children. I knew that going in. I made the decision that I wanted him without children more than I wanted not him, because he just didn't want children. I have always wanted children, more than anything in the world. Thought about having them in my mid-30s when I wasn't meeting anyone. Decided against it after realizing I didn't have the money, didn't want to single parent, and watching my sister's easy pregnancy go to a difficult one and realizing I wouldn't have anyone to help if I was bedridden for months on end like she was.

I'm ok not having children. I made the choice, given my age when we got married, etc. But I still get sad occasionally, not as much as I used to, though. In my 30s I had a really, really, really hard time at other people's baby showers, even going to the mall and seeing all those happy people pushing strollers. Put me over the edge. Now I'm in a much better place because I am so in love with my husband, love him to pieces, and I'm older so really I don't want to start with the baby stage and know that I'd be 74 when the child was out of the house.

but.... 2 years ago almost burst into tears hearing that a good friend's child (32 yr old adult child) was pregnant.... so I guess I'm not totally over it. But success, I can go to baby showers without getting depressed!

I feel for you.

OP I don't get sad about having three children close together and fully integrating into our family two more similarly aged beautiful babies from a family member for reasons not relevant to this discussion But I sometimes get sad when people talk about how bigger families short-change kids. Why some of my kids will invariably be damaged. And when we get looks when we go places as if people are judging me for being (well, fill in the gap re everything from being an architect of environmental degradation to not understanding about birth control). Sometimes strangers have volunteered comments about why they hate the Catholic church (we're not Catholic). And I find the "but how do you cope?" like nails down a blackboard.

Because the reality is that we deal with the cards we're given. Some people are lucky enough to find the perfect person early on. Some people are fortunate enough to have the world's most functional and easy ovaries and uterus. Some people are blessed to have the perfectly cosmetically sound family. It strikes me that every element of parenting has become like a competition to justify the decisions one makes. Spacing, # of kids, BFing, natural childbirth, co-sleeping blah blah blah blah blah.

It's okay to feel sad about something if you think there's something you missed out on for whatever reason. But the key thing is to recognize that there is nothing that brings out the didactic judgementalism of the insecure than parenting and there will always be something you're doing wrong, have done wrong, don't understand or cannot recognize (at least in some people's opinion).

Not everyone knows all that much about geothermal energy or quantum physics so we let that pass. But everyone has a child, knows someone with one and can't help but absorb media messages about them. Just know OP that your child is lucky to have a committed, healthy, thoughtful mom who considers these issues and her emotional reaction to them as something worth thinking about and managing. I truly believe that numbers are irrelevant if you have a home filled with light, laughter, affection, empathy and a healthy respect for other people.

Right there with you, OP. I am an only, married to an only, with an only. I absolutely wanted more than one and got pregnant at 31 very easily, then went through years of unexplained secondary infertility before deciding to stop trying for another. DS is in early elementary school now and, most days, I am completely content with our little family. But there are days when something hits me the wrong way and I feel that pang for how I always imagined my life turning out, what might have been, what a great big brother DS would be, etc. I try to just let myself have that moment -- those feelings are still real and valid, after all! -- and then refocus on the great kid I have rather than on the child I wasn't able to have.

I also agree with other PPs who've noted that you seem like a kind person and a great mom. Cut yourself a bit of slack, let yourself have this moment, and then get back to your lovely little family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a PP. I think it's rude of your coworkers to have these conversations, much less in front of you. I mean, aren't they aware of your life circumstances? And, moreover, are their own lives so limited that they can only imagine one way of living? So strange for adults to be so closed-minded. Haven't they lived their lives and realized that things work out differently sometimes than one has planned? If not in this particular situation for them (kids) but in others (career, education, etc.)?

It's rude to talk about your kids now?

yes, if you are claiming there is only a certain number and certain age and spacing that is ideal/optimal. That is just inane.

LOL I get a kick out of threads about spacing.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. For what it's worth, I don't necessarily agree with your co-workers that more is "better" or younger is "better". There are pros and cons to every life situation - having kids older or younger, having one kid or many, etc. You sound like a nice and thoughtful person and I'm sure your child is very lucky and happy and well loved. That's really all that counts.

+1

Hugs, OP. I hope your sad feelings won't last, and you will go back to enjoying your life

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a PP. I think it's rude of your coworkers to have these conversations, much less in front of you. I mean, aren't they aware of your life circumstances? And, moreover, are their own lives so limited that they can only imagine one way of living? So strange for adults to be so closed-minded. Haven't they lived their lives and realized that things work out differently sometimes than one has planned? If not in this particular situation for them (kids) but in others (career, education, etc.)?

It's rude to talk about your kids now?

yes, if you are claiming there is only a certain number and certain age and spacing that is ideal/optimal. That is just inane.

There are some things I get sad about, when I see happy pictures of siblings for example. But then I see my daughter with her best friends and I don't worry about it. She's an extrovert and already has so many friends, I know I don't have to worry about her.

I knew the moment she was born my family was complete. I felt it. I'm sad for you OP if you don't feel that way. Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Absolutely agree, 1157.

Actually, my coworkers came right along on our journey with us. They know our ages, they love DD, they were there when our adoption fell through, they were there when we succeeded. Like I said, no one means offense. They were all just talking and sharing their experiences. We have several people in their 20s who are very wrapped up in starting their families and they want to have 4-5 kids apiece, so they're always talking about it.

Well, that sounds a bit insufferable no matter what a person's circumstances are. I might leave the room in tears out of sheer boredom.

+1 Millenials!