Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many here seem to be missing the point. No, it's not BIL's responsibility to help out. But if he doesn't want to or is not able to help, then he shouldn't be doing the, "oh, I will help out when you are deployed" and "oh, I can probably come over and help you" and then flake out. People who are all talk and no action are the worst.

I agree. In his mind, maybe he thinks he gets credit for just offering, regardless if he followed through. He didn't have to help, but since he offered, he should have done something. And I could see how the OP would be annoyed now that her BIL is suddenly involved with her family. This OP didn't expect her BIL to help because her husband is deployed, she expected him to help because he offered.

But one thing to consider is that if he's an otherwise okay person, maybe he does feel guilty that he didn't help. Have you mentioned it to your husband? I don't think there's anything wrong if your husband mentions it to his brother and then see how the BIL reacts.

And I love the post suggesting the the BIL deserves more respect for what he's going through being in grad school then the OP whose husband is deployed.

I didn't say it, but I love it too! He's trying to better himself.

BIL is a single college student? If that is the case maybe he has no concept of how to maintain a home, watch kids or otherwise help out the Op. Maybe he has no clue that Op even needed the help.

It sounds as though he is only dropping by now to hang out with his brother, so not really in a helping role(?).

Relationships are a two-way interaction. If your BIL cannot support you when you need help, then your family shouldn't be there when he wants a place to hangout.

I am also a military spouse whose DH had deployed for a year your in Iraq. I was working full time, and it was the hardest year of my life. Emit is really difficult to constantly be on- you have virtually no downtime. You come home from work and start your second job at home. I didn't feel it was appropriate to unload my stress on DH, because he had enough to deal with as he had the stress of being at war. It is very isolating and overwhelming.

This is the one time when your family really needed him, and BIL couldn't be bothered. I think I wouldn't be bothered to have him in my home, his ass on my couch, eating my food.

Anonymous wrote:Many here seem to be missing the point. No, it's not BIL's responsibility to help out. But if he doesn't want to or is not able to help, then he shouldn't be doing the, "oh, I will help out when you are deployed" and "oh, I can probably come over and help you" and then flake out. People who are all talk and no action are the worst.

I agree. In his mind, maybe he thinks he gets credit for just offering, regardless if he followed through. He didn't have to help, but since he offered, he should have done something. And I could see how the OP would be annoyed now that her BIL is suddenly involved with her family. This OP didn't expect her BIL to help because her husband is deployed, she expected him to help because he offered.

But one thing to consider is that if he's an otherwise okay person, maybe he does feel guilty that he didn't help. Have you mentioned it to your husband? I don't think there's anything wrong if your husband mentions it to his brother and then see how the BIL reacts.

And I love the post suggesting the the BIL deserves more respect for what he's going through being in grad school then the OP whose husband is deployed.

Anonymous wrote:Many here seem to be missing the point. No, it's not BIL's responsibility to help out. But if he doesn't want to or is not able to help, then he shouldn't be doing the, "oh, I will help out when you are deployed" and "oh, I can probably come over and help you" and then flake out. People who are all talk and no action are the worst.

Exactly. He should've just said No instead of flaking.

OP tell your husband and BIL how you feel and then let it go, knowing that BIL is just not someone you can call on.

He should have helped out. My sisters and my brothers-in-law were a huge help when my DH was was deployed. But your BIL didn't help. There is nothing you can do about that now. Confronting him will only make everyone uncomfortable and strain relationships.

Let it go. Accept that your BIL is not someone you can depend on for help. If he steps up and helps, great! But don't rely on him.

Many here seem to be missing the point. No, it's not BIL's responsibility to help out. But if he doesn't want to or is not able to help, then he shouldn't be doing the, "oh, I will help out when you are deployed" and "oh, I can probably come over and help you" and then flake out. People who are all talk and no action are the worst.

OP, after being surprised *once* that BIL didn't follow-through with whatever expectation you had, it's YOU who should have changed your expectation.

It's not about what you think is right, or what you think should be. It's what is.

He likes being with his brother, BIL may or may not like you. He may not want to inconvenience himself to make sure life easier.

I don't quite understand "supporting" you ... it's not BIL's responsibility. You and DH knew what you signed-up for.

What did you need help with, OP? Emergency sort of things or every day run of the mill things?

I would be annoyed if he said he would help in an emergency and didn't. Every day raising kid stuff though? That's on you, same as it is for a lot of others.

As for why he's around now I don't think it's a mystery. His brother is home, and I doubt there's any expectation of help.

Anonymous wrote:I would take the opportunity to ask BIL in front of his brother why he didn't help me out when he said he would when he came over for a visit. If anything you learned his word means nothing.

OP, you're going to have to learn to be on your own or get with another wife to help each other out when these deployments happen. I know the base can hook you up with help if you truly need help. And remember, no one can read your mind, they need to hear your voice.

Boohoo. Don't be surprised when he responds that you should be grown up enough to take care of your own kids.

+1000. I'm a civilian living in a military community and I see how hard it is for deployed spouses who have children. Those of you attacking OP, you all have no idea (and neither do I in practice, but more than you trolls simply because I'm friends with some of these women). Until you've walked a mile in OP's shoes...

I agree, OP, BIL should have lent a hand and you need to explain your feelings (calmly) to your husband and to BIL. Not in a barn-burning sort of way, though. Hopefully he'll step up next time - maybe he had his reasons?


Please. I've been a military spouse with a deployed husband. It's less difficult than it is to be a single mother. You're still getting your DH's paycheck, access to all things military, and you get a lot of support from the community and the military, especially if you ask.

--walked more than a mile in those shoes.

Same here. OP needs to let it go and suck it up.

I would take the opportunity to ask BIL in front of his brother why he didn't help me out when he said he would when he came over for a visit. If anything you learned his word means nothing.

OP, you're going to have to learn to be on your own or get with another wife to help each other out when these deployments happen. I know the base can hook you up with help if you truly need help. And remember, no one can read your mind, they need to hear your voice.

You people are ridiculous. If BIL was truly busy with school then he wouldn't have time to come around now either.

If I understand OP correctly that is the issue. Why does he suddenly have free time to come over now.

BIL sounds young and selfish.

Unfortunately OP isn't clear on what she asked of BIL to do, but in the end I don't think it is s too much to think he might stop by and play with his nieces and/or nephews. Even if he didn't like OP as someone suggested, or maybe especially if he doesn't like OP, I would think BIL would stop by occasionally to see the kids, maybe even take them out to the park to get some time away from OP.

I feel for OP. After a year of absence, BIL is now constantly at your house and I assume he's eating your food and staying for dinner you likely cook. It would burn my butt too.

OP is DH husband aware that BIL was not around while he was away? If these brothers are close enough that BIL is over regularly I would think DH would want to know that his brother can't be counted on.

So OP, as long as you aren't looking for BIL to stand in for your husband while he's away, I think it is perfectly fine to expect to see him occasionally while DH is deployed.