Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give my kid grief when he gets a low "A" - We is a smart kid, but I don't like it when he makes silly mistakes.

My parents could have landed me in therapy in a number of more egregious ways but what sticks with me most was bringing home a 99 on a test and my mom asking me where the other point went. Kids aren't perfect. No one is.

My mom did this. I found her absurd at the time. But on some level, it is important that she assumed that I could and should attain that last point. She forced me to assume that I could, which is half the battle. I'm in therapy for the other stuff she did! Lol

To the two last posters - Your stories remind me of stories in a book I'm reading about cultures that excel in America. It's called "The Triple Package." So...are either of you from these cultures? - Jewish, Indian, Chinese, Korean, Mormon, Lebanese, or Persian?

Anonymous wrote:I am 100% certain that oldest child will spend time in therapy talking about how we always favored younger child.

Older child simply has that personality - whenever we do anything nice for younger, older claims we are neglecting older, even if we did exact same nice thing for older. Older is bitter about any special gifts younger gets (no matter how many special gifts older gets at same time).

It makes DH and I crazy. We probably give older more time and attention because it is so craved and younger is more easy going. However, older also gets more negative attention (because of behavior and lack of easy going personality).

This is us too.

All the crappy things I said about gays until I realized...

I grew up in a highly unstable environment. When I think about DS's life, I know that while I'm not perfect, it is way different than my own experiences.

I probably apply too much academic pressure and on bad days when DS doesn't listen well I can become impatient instead of remembering what actually works (he has ADHD and is unfazed by my impatience

-- but think about it. Our kids are not fearful of physical retaliation from us, they know they are walking into a predictable, loving home at the end of each school day. They know that there is plenty of good food and the adults are concerned for their well being even if they don't always show it perfectly.

Just a soapbox from someone who grew up in a much different environment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give my kid grief when he gets a low "A" - We is a smart kid, but I don't like it when he makes silly mistakes.

My parents could have landed me in therapy in a number of more egregious ways but what sticks with me most was bringing home a 99 on a test and my mom asking me where the other point went. Kids aren't perfect. No one is.

My mom did this. I found her absurd at the time. But on some level, it is important that she assumed that I could and should attain that last point. She forced me to assume that I could, which is half the battle. I'm in therapy for the other stuff she did! Lol

Anonymous wrote:I'll go first: I have a feeling that we'll never live down the fact that we moved our son's bedroom to the lower level of our house so that we could open up his main floor bedroom right off the kitchen and turn it into a family room that everyone can use and enjoy. Although he's coming around, mainly because he's a kid who values his privacy (and so didn't really like being too near the kitchen) we think he views it as us sending him to live in a dungeon--which it's not; it's above grade, has it's own bathroom, and he got to design it the way he wants. I do feel guilty about it, though. And it's possible that we could carve out another bedroom for him in our tiny bungalow by dividing the living room, but DH thinks that if he didn't have the move to the basement to resent us for, he'd find something else!

I think this is your guilt talking. In my opinion, the things kids never forgive/forget we are generally oblivious to. My own experience in therapy has been the events that I found traumatic and really boiled my blood my parents had absolutely no memory of. Or had a totally different memory of. (I have normal "middle class parents" for what it's worth). What I mean is, if I had brought up something like my bedroom being moved when I was in therapy, my mother would have said "What are you talking about, you loved being in the basement!" And she would have gone on and on about "We should never had put you in summer camp at age 10, that was so traumatic for you" -- something I couldn't care less about. So OP, you really can't predict what someone else won't forgive/forget. It could be something that you consider totally harmless but which to them was unforgivable in the context of a ten year old's mind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give my kid grief when he gets a low "A" - We is a smart kid, but I don't like it when he makes silly mistakes.

My parents could have landed me in therapy in a number of more egregious ways but what sticks with me most was bringing home a 99 on a test and my mom asking me where the other point went. Kids aren't perfect. No one is.

Dh does this to our son and it drives me crazy. Now I make certain I have the first comment if/when scores are discussed, "oh, wow, honey, look at that, didn't he do a great job?!" Works vast majority of the time.

My dad did this to me. I got two wrong on a spelling test and he told me it was unacceptable to get anything less than 100 since I had all the answers in advance. I was crushed. He was just a joy-killer. When I got my driving permit I was so proud of myself (I was a terrible student and had tried to study and then tried really hard on the test) that I put it up on the refrigerator. He yelled at me for that asking why I did it and saying it didn't belong there. Fuck you, Dad. Why don't you present me with a list of things I can share with my immediate family and I'll make sure not to tell you anything not on the list.

The thing about this that really makes it unfair is that a child, even a teen, is not going to be able to respond as an equal. Just think if an adult did this, you could say, fuck you, why did you get a 4 instead of a 5 on your job review, you know you've been at this job for 10 years, you should have it mastered by now, let's discuss that for a while. Or, if you're so smart, you must be making high 6 figures, where's all the money, do you have it all invested, I'm sure looking forward to my inheritance.

That I adopted DD as a single mother

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give my kid grief when he gets a low "A" - We is a smart kid, but I don't like it when he makes silly mistakes.

My parents could have landed me in therapy in a number of more egregious ways but what sticks with me most was bringing home a 99 on a test and my mom asking me where the other point went. Kids aren't perfect. No one is.

Dh does this to our son and it drives me crazy. Now I make certain I have the first comment if/when scores are discussed, "oh, wow, honey, look at that, didn't he do a great job?!" Works vast majority of the time.

My dad did this to me. I got two wrong on a spelling test and he told me it was unacceptable to get anything less than 100 since I had all the answers in advance. I was crushed. He was just a joy-killer. When I got my driving permit I was so proud of myself (I was a terrible student and had tried to study and then tried really hard on the test) that I put it up on the refrigerator. He yelled at me for that asking why I did it and saying it didn't belong there. Fuck you, Dad. Why don't you present me with a list of things I can share with my immediate family and I'll make sure not to tell you anything not on the list.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give my kid grief when he gets a low "A" - We is a smart kid, but I don't like it when he makes silly mistakes.

My parents could have landed me in therapy in a number of more egregious ways but what sticks with me most was bringing home a 99 on a test and my mom asking me where the other point went. Kids aren't perfect. No one is.

Dh does this to our son and it drives me crazy. Now I make certain I have the first comment if/when scores are discussed, "oh, wow, honey, look at that, didn't he do a great job?!" Works vast majority of the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give my kid grief when he gets a low "A" - We is a smart kid, but I don't like it when he makes silly mistakes.

Freudian??

Good call. I was going to remark that it was a funny typo, but I think you nailed it.

Divorcr

On DCUM all the time

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give my kid grief when he gets a low "A" - We is a smart kid, but I don't like it when he makes silly mistakes.

My dad did this to me and it has always affected me. You may want to rethink this approach.

+1. He even came to an end of year party I was at in middle school to take me home early because I got a C on the final which gave me a B in the class. Completely mortifying and the crime didn't fit the punishment.

Anonymous wrote:I give my kid grief when he gets a low "A" - We is a smart kid, but I don't like it when he makes silly mistakes.