Anonymous
03/21/2015 11:03
Subject: DH "helping" me clean up
Ahh men! Can't live with them and cannot live without them.
I think he is doing it to ease his subconscious. Theoretically he knows that he is barely lifting a finger, but by appearances he wants to "seem" like he at least did something tangible so it makes him feel good.
I totally get your frustration OP. I would be too.
How about next time you are cleaning up, call him into the kitchen when you are starting to clean and see how helpful he is then??!
I think he is doing it to ease his subconscious. Theoretically he knows that he is barely lifting a finger, but by appearances he wants to "seem" like he at least did something tangible so it makes him feel good.
I totally get your frustration OP. I would be too.
How about next time you are cleaning up, call him into the kitchen when you are starting to clean and see how helpful he is then??!
Anonymous
03/21/2015 09:01
Subject: DH "helping" me clean up
Anonymous wrote:My husband would "do the dishes" (load the dishwasher) but actually leave all the big dishes to "soak" (unnecessarily) in the sink. And then he'd scamper off to work the next day, leaving me with nasty soaking dishes in the sink. I would have rather just done them the night before if I was going to get stuck with them anyway (I telecommute so it's not like I'm a SAHM - yet I'm home all day and need to use the sink).
At first I just tried pointing out "I don't really think that needs to soak." Didn't work. He washed that dish that night, but he didn't get the picture that I mean most nights the pans didn't need to soak.
Finally I just told him - "Look, I really appreciate that you help clean up after dinner. But I feel like you're getting all the 'credit' for doing the dishes, but you leave in the morning and leave me with the big pans to scrub. It really irks me. I don't really care if you do the dishes or if I do the dishes, but I don't want dishes left in the sink when you leave for work. Would you rather take care of them or do you want me to? I just need clear expectations of who is doing what so I'm not getting resentful."
He still leaves them to soak overnight, but he does them in the morning before going to work. I can deal with that. And now his "credit" for doing dishes is deserved.
I know it sounds stupid that I was getting irked he was getting "credit" for doing dishes, but it really was about - he could do the easy parts of the job and feel like he was contributing, while really leaving more of a mess for me. So I totally feel you OP.
My DH is a great guy, so a direct conversation is all it took. But I resisted because I just wanted him to know - failing approach. Just be direct and ask for exactly what you want him to do, in a nice way. My DH will absolutely help with anything I ask for, but he has no problem being completely oblivious if I don't ask with extreme clarity.
OMG my husband leaves the big dishes to "soak" as well. He also loads the dishwasher in such a haphazard way that you can't fit all the dishes in one load (when they should). And, if he "empties" the dishwasher, he leaves the silverware caddy untouched, puts stuff in the wrong cabinets, and leaves stuff on the counters claiming he doesn't know where they go. Drives me nuts, I'd rather just do the dishes myself.
Anonymous
03/21/2015 08:45
Subject: DH "helping" me clean up
OP you keep saying you don't care that you do most of the day to day stuff but I don't understand why that is. I know I should take you at your word. But if I was doing pretty much the bulk of the day to day stuff and had a husband getting away with just the "man tasks" like trash and repairs, that would definitely be the heart of the issue for me. That said, if somehow that situation was unavoidable yes, I'd at least want credit firmly where it was due.
By the way I do most trash emptying in my hh of four and it's barely a blip in the usual run of chores. Don't understand women who let their husband do the trash and act likes it's anything big at all. Offer to trade tasks for a change of pace, you'll likely come out ahead.
By the way I do most trash emptying in my hh of four and it's barely a blip in the usual run of chores. Don't understand women who let their husband do the trash and act likes it's anything big at all. Offer to trade tasks for a change of pace, you'll likely come out ahead.
Anonymous
03/20/2015 16:19
Subject: DH "helping" me clean up
Have you tried giving him tasks directly? As in, "Hey - I'll do all the dishes over here if you can deal with anything kid-related and get backpacks ready for tomorrow. That way we won't be tripping over each other." And you'll get what you want (help, I presume) and do half the work.