Anonymous
03/16/2015 11:13
Subject: how do you spend family time?
Anonymous wrote:This is the most confusing thread ever. OP asks for family time examples, mentions her husband's daily pot use and retreat to man cave, then defends him against anyone who suggests pot is a problem.
Figure out what you're asking, OP.
It is confusing because I am confused. Sorry. But I am getting more clarity now.
Anonymous
03/16/2015 11:12
Subject: how do you spend family time?
Anonymous wrote:How does someone with ADHD get a college degree and hold a job? Seems like a sham diagnosis for so many people to excuse bad behavior. It demeans people who actually do have the disorder and can't function.
OP, your husband doesn't have ADHD, he has a personality disorder and is self medicating. He needs to get treatment and proper meds without the side effects
It doesn't demean folks who also have ADHD and can't function at all. This isn't a freaking contest.
Trust me, his behavior that displeases or troubles me is not voluntary. Not everyone with ADHD can't go to college, get an advanced degree, hold down jobs, start companies, whatever. It depends on the severity, I am sure, amongst other factors.
Not everyone with Down's Syndrome can't work. I know folks with Down's Syndrome and you definitely have it or not, but the severity runs the gamut.
Anonymous
03/16/2015 11:08
Subject: how do you spend family time?
Anonymous wrote:My kids are 5 and 7. On the weekends sometimes we watch a movie as a family, sometimes we go on hikes together or to some place as a whole. Sometimes we split up--one parent takes a kid to a birthday party while the other goes to Barnes and Noble to look at books and get a treat at the cafe. We exercise separately, usually while the kids watch TV. I usually get some cooking done by myself or if the kids join me and he'll build Legos with my son.
There is no more than an hour or so a weekend that DH and I get to check out completely from the family on a regular basis. My kids are in bed by 8 so any vegging out and relaxing happens after that. My dh also doesn't have any vices--no drinking, smoking, football obsession, and neither do I, so we don't have to concede there.
Why can't he smoke weed after your kids go to bed? I think you need to ask yourself why he's escaping all of you. I also would wonder why he's content in dealing with his ADHD and panic attacks with a drug as opposed to seeing a psychiatrist. I don't care how much money he has, I would rather that money be spent on him actually addressing the root of his issues rather than putting a band aid on it. I smoked a little in high school but my friends who smoked daily became completely stupid, they couldn't focus in school. Some who were college bound ended up not going because the weed ruled their life and took away their ability to think. That's my opinion and I do believe it kills brain cells and while I see that you are in defense of daily pot use, I'm guessing if you are reaching out here you aren't that happy about it.
Thank you.
A psychiatrist would probably give him a prescription.
We had issues with anxiety, panic, and general scatterbrainedness from the day I met him. They are demons that have dogged him his whole life. The pot use--well, I don't know how I feel about that. There are definite pros, and definite cons to it.
I wish there were a magic pill that deals with all of this. Maybe there is, we will have to look into it.
I think
Anonymous
03/16/2015 10:49
Subject: how do you spend family time?
Anonymous wrote:My husband has ADHD. I get how debilitating it can be. But your husband should not be checking out every single night. That's a problem.
Thank you. Does your DH take medication? How does he manage?
Anonymous
03/16/2015 10:35
Subject: how do you spend family time?
Anonymous wrote:This is the most confusing thread ever. OP asks for family time examples, mentions her husband's daily pot use and retreat to man cave, then defends him against anyone who suggests pot is a problem.
Figure out what you're asking, OP.
Why did you post this, OP? What do you want?
Anonymous
03/16/2015 10:24
Subject: how do you spend family time?
Similar to the previous PP, when we are both home, we are both 'on duty' and engaged. On weekends, we go out and do things as a family, or someone hangs out in the vicinity of the kids while the other gets stuff done. We do arrange to give each other breaks to go exercise or grab a beer with friends, but that's pretty equitable.
Last weekend was pretty typical. DH hung out with both kids (3&5) Saturday morning then then took them out to Home Depot so I could get some work done. Saturday afternoon we all hung out at home, cleaning up a bit, amusing kids, and prepping dinner to have friends over. Sunday, he took one kid to the pool while I took the other to a birthday party. In the afternoon, I hung out with both kids while he went on a long run, then we all hung out/did chores/errands until bedtime. During the week, I'm home with the kids afterschool, but once he gets home he hangs with the kids while I prep dinner, we divide and conquer for bedtime, and then get whatever downtime we need after bedtime. It would annoy me to no end if he felt entitled to checked out and leave me to deal with the kids (and deprive them of fun family time) on a regular basis with no sort of reciprocity.
Last weekend was pretty typical. DH hung out with both kids (3&5) Saturday morning then then took them out to Home Depot so I could get some work done. Saturday afternoon we all hung out at home, cleaning up a bit, amusing kids, and prepping dinner to have friends over. Sunday, he took one kid to the pool while I took the other to a birthday party. In the afternoon, I hung out with both kids while he went on a long run, then we all hung out/did chores/errands until bedtime. During the week, I'm home with the kids afterschool, but once he gets home he hangs with the kids while I prep dinner, we divide and conquer for bedtime, and then get whatever downtime we need after bedtime. It would annoy me to no end if he felt entitled to checked out and leave me to deal with the kids (and deprive them of fun family time) on a regular basis with no sort of reciprocity.
Anonymous
03/16/2015 10:10
Subject: how do you spend family time?
When we are home and our child is awake we are either both playing with her (4) or one of us is playing while the other cooks dinner, puts in laundry or cleans something. My H likes to do outdoor things, so he will often take her to he park on the weekend mornings while I run household errands, then we all eat lunch together, everyone gets rest time to do their own thing in the afternoon from 1-3, then we usually go to the zoo, take a walk, attend something at a museum or a festival, etc.
On the weeknights, I arrive home first with our daughter. I usually read to her or play a board game, then she gets a bath and pjs, and watches a show while I prep dinner. Dinner is served shortly after my H gets home and we all eat together. Then he takes his turn and plays until bed time, gets her teeth brushed and reads her a bedtime story. Once she is asleep he and I address anything that came up that day that needs a joint decision, then it's our time to relax, he often reads, I watch bad tv and play on the internet or we watch a movie together.
I would not at all be ok with a man who did not participate in our family life.
On the weeknights, I arrive home first with our daughter. I usually read to her or play a board game, then she gets a bath and pjs, and watches a show while I prep dinner. Dinner is served shortly after my H gets home and we all eat together. Then he takes his turn and plays until bed time, gets her teeth brushed and reads her a bedtime story. Once she is asleep he and I address anything that came up that day that needs a joint decision, then it's our time to relax, he often reads, I watch bad tv and play on the internet or we watch a movie together.
I would not at all be ok with a man who did not participate in our family life.
Anonymous
03/16/2015 09:40
Subject: how do you spend family time?
Anonymous wrote:I just had a big fight with DH. In our family, when we are all home during the evening or on the weekends, DH smokes pot and plays endless games of internet chess. He is in another room, his man cave. He is relaxing, I get it.
I don't know if his pot is causing him to retire from active family life, or he would do it anyway, but I would like to know if your family interacts together at home, or everyone is doing their own thing. I don't want to blame pot for something that would occur anyway. We have two small kids.
One of my friends with older kids have Wii nights. People are playing or watching, but at least everyone is in the same room.
Plus, his daily pot use is expensive. He says it helps with his chronic anxiety and racing thoughts.
I'd put my pothead husband on playtime duty. I didn't look through to see how old your kids are, but whether it's a lovely tea party set up with young ones or playing a game of throw the popcorn into the big hat, being high would be an asset.
I was given medical marijuana by my doctors for severe muscle spasms. I only smoked after the kids were in bed, but if one of them woke up and came into my room, we had a blast doing puzzles or coloring. They had no idea I was high, and I was surprised at how much I enjoyed how we spent our time together. It was a kick!
I've since been placed on other medication. I'm glad for the experience. I can tell you that marijuana is no excuse to remove yourself from family life. Getting high and spending an awfully long time cooking with my kids was a whole lot of fun, when they wanted more food after having been put to bed. Same with braiding up my DDs hair.
Anything chill and detail-oriented is good.
Anonymous
03/16/2015 09:28
Subject: Re:how do you spend family time?
Anonymous wrote:This is OP. He has ADHD. I think he uses pot as a medication. He seems to have an aversion to starting pharmaceuticals for his condition. I will say that ever since he started smoking pot, his panic attacks seem to have lessened.
you are defending/enabling
Anonymous
03/16/2015 09:21
Subject: how do you spend family time?
Anonymous wrote:How does someone with ADHD get a college degree and hold a job? Seems like a sham diagnosis for so many people to excuse bad behavior. It demeans people who actually do have the disorder and can't function.
OP, your husband doesn't have ADHD, he has a personality disorder and is self medicating. He needs to get treatment and proper meds without the side effects
I have ADD and matriculated from college and law school un-medicated (except for lots of caffeine). It can be done. The difference is that it would take me two or three times as long to complete projects compared to my peers and my grades would have been better if I was on medication. When I got hired by a law firm, it was clear that my old coping methods would no longer work.
I also don't have a sever case of ADD. So it can be done, it just can't be done well.
Anonymous
03/16/2015 09:17
Subject: Re:how do you spend family time?
Anonymous wrote:This is OP. He has ADHD. I think he uses pot as a medication. He seems to have an aversion to starting pharmaceuticals for his condition. I will say that ever since he started smoking pot, his panic attacks seem to have lessened.
Pot may make him less active, even less jumpy, but it will not treat his attention deficit issue. So maybe you are seeing less hyperactivity, but you are not seeing an increase in attention.
Attention issues are treated with medicine that is basically speed. Pot is a depressant drug (a downer) not an anti-depressant (an upper).
Also, ADHD does not cause panic attacks. Anxiety is a different animal. To treat anxiety you would use a depressant.
Here is the bottom line, and I am sorry you are in this situation, you can't make a father spend time with his children and expect it to be quality time. Some men are just self-centered asses.
Anonymous
03/16/2015 08:23
Subject: how do you spend family time?
This is not a question about family time. This is a question about his self-medicating and how it's keeping him from being a father.
If he was getting drunk after work every day, would that be a problem? Yes. If he *needs* the pot, this is a problem. If he can't be an engaged father because of pot, this is a problem. If all he wants to do in the evenings is play video games, this is a problem.
I don't have a problem with people smoking pot. But I think of it just like alcohol, in that it should not interfere with your daily life of family and work. Once it does, it's a problem.
If he was getting drunk after work every day, would that be a problem? Yes. If he *needs* the pot, this is a problem. If he can't be an engaged father because of pot, this is a problem. If all he wants to do in the evenings is play video games, this is a problem.
I don't have a problem with people smoking pot. But I think of it just like alcohol, in that it should not interfere with your daily life of family and work. Once it does, it's a problem.
Anonymous
03/16/2015 08:15
Subject: how do you spend family time?
This is the most confusing thread ever. OP asks for family time examples, mentions her husband's daily pot use and retreat to man cave, then defends him against anyone who suggests pot is a problem.
Figure out what you're asking, OP.
Figure out what you're asking, OP.
Anonymous
03/16/2015 06:45
Subject: how do you spend family time?
How does someone with ADHD get a college degree and hold a job? Seems like a sham diagnosis for so many people to excuse bad behavior. It demeans people who actually do have the disorder and can't function.
OP, your husband doesn't have ADHD, he has a personality disorder and is self medicating. He needs to get treatment and proper meds without the side effects
OP, your husband doesn't have ADHD, he has a personality disorder and is self medicating. He needs to get treatment and proper meds without the side effects
Anonymous
03/16/2015 06:42
Subject: how do you spend family time?
My husband smokes also but still interacts with the kids. He leaves for 20 min and comes back.