Anonymous
Post 03/18/2015 21:08     Subject: MIL gives us crap, gives SIL heirlooms
Anonymous wrote:You sound very resentful about the way DH's family treats him. I think this is quite normal, since you love your DH and want to protect him. You also know him for the man that he is and feel that he deserves better from his family. However, you can't change the people in his family. They are who they are.

After reading your posts and responses, it sounds like you two are doing really well and have a good life. Would it ever be possible to shift your mindset and consider DH the lucky one? Yes, he was treated badly and/or abused -- but look how he turned out. I really don't think you'd be happily married if he was more involved with his family. They do sound awful (of course, we only hear your side of things). I'd suggest that you look beyond the "heirlooms" and focus on the happiness that you two have together.


OP here. I think you are accurate. I am waiting for MIL to become a human being, in more ways than one, and that is never going to happen. She is not a nice person, and doing the right thing would never occur to her. I need to stop wishing she were someone capable of showing warmth and caring, for anything but her own selfish interests, and tiny little world.
Anonymous
Post 03/18/2015 15:48     Subject: MIL gives us crap, gives SIL heirlooms
You sound very resentful about the way DH's family treats him. I think this is quite normal, since you love your DH and want to protect him. You also know him for the man that he is and feel that he deserves better from his family. However, you can't change the people in his family. They are who they are.

After reading your posts and responses, it sounds like you two are doing really well and have a good life. Would it ever be possible to shift your mindset and consider DH the lucky one? Yes, he was treated badly and/or abused -- but look how he turned out. I really don't think you'd be happily married if he was more involved with his family. They do sound awful (of course, we only hear your side of things). I'd suggest that you look beyond the "heirlooms" and focus on the happiness that you two have together.
Anonymous
Post 03/17/2015 23:01     Subject: MIL gives us crap, gives SIL heirlooms
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:All objects from this family are memories of abuse. HE is building up these items to memorialize people who don't exist. His father, may well have been a somewhat nice person, but...this man clearly enabled MIL to abuse DH and treat him cruelly over the years. He wants that person's medal? That person is not the hero your DH holds him up to be.

Has he been to any therapy about his family?

This is what I was going to say. Is he idealizing his dead father as a way to deal with the emotional trauma of an abusive family?



OP here. I think you mean to say "idolizing", PP, correct? Either way, I do not believe DH is ideal/idolizing his father. FIL and DH are the only ones in the family that had anything in common. FIL really supported DH's strengths, which is how DH became who he is today, frankly. I do not know where DH would have been without his father. Whenever FIL was home (not often), he spent that time with DH. MIL is/was SAHM, overwhelmed by all of their children (too many for her to handle, another post altogether).

I know it is easy to make assumptions, and try to arm chair analyze on an anonymous board. Knowing the people involved, I would say that MIL enabled and contributed to whatever happened, and as PPs noted, this is MILs way of carrying abuse out further.

DH is perfectly justified in wanting to carry on FILs medals to FILs grandsons, by the son FIL was so close to.

I meant idealizing. It's much easier to demonize the living and absolve the dead of any responsibility, but it's not always correct or helpful.


OP here. I am aware of this. It is not the case here. Even if FIL had been an SOB (he wasn't), he was all DH had. FIL would have been supremely proud of DH.
Anonymous
Post 03/17/2015 22:18     Subject: MIL gives us crap, gives SIL heirlooms
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:All objects from this family are memories of abuse. HE is building up these items to memorialize people who don't exist. His father, may well have been a somewhat nice person, but...this man clearly enabled MIL to abuse DH and treat him cruelly over the years. He wants that person's medal? That person is not the hero your DH holds him up to be.

Has he been to any therapy about his family?

This is what I was going to say. Is he idealizing his dead father as a way to deal with the emotional trauma of an abusive family?



OP here. I think you mean to say "idolizing", PP, correct? Either way, I do not believe DH is ideal/idolizing his father. FIL and DH are the only ones in the family that had anything in common. FIL really supported DH's strengths, which is how DH became who he is today, frankly. I do not know where DH would have been without his father. Whenever FIL was home (not often), he spent that time with DH. MIL is/was SAHM, overwhelmed by all of their children (too many for her to handle, another post altogether).

I know it is easy to make assumptions, and try to arm chair analyze on an anonymous board. Knowing the people involved, I would say that MIL enabled and contributed to whatever happened, and as PPs noted, this is MILs way of carrying abuse out further.

DH is perfectly justified in wanting to carry on FILs medals to FILs grandsons, by the son FIL was so close to.

I meant idealizing. It's much easier to demonize the living and absolve the dead of any responsibility, but it's not always correct or helpful.
Anonymous
Post 03/17/2015 21:51     Subject: MIL gives us crap, gives SIL heirlooms
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:All objects from this family are memories of abuse. HE is building up these items to memorialize people who don't exist. His father, may well have been a somewhat nice person, but...this man clearly enabled MIL to abuse DH and treat him cruelly over the years. He wants that person's medal? That person is not the hero your DH holds him up to be.

Has he been to any therapy about his family?

This is what I was going to say. Is he idealizing his dead father as a way to deal with the emotional trauma of an abusive family?



OP here. I think you mean to say "idolizing", PP, correct? Either way, I do not believe DH is ideal/idolizing his father. FIL and DH are the only ones in the family that had anything in common. FIL really supported DH's strengths, which is how DH became who he is today, frankly. I do not know where DH would have been without his father. Whenever FIL was home (not often), he spent that time with DH. MIL is/was SAHM, overwhelmed by all of their children (too many for her to handle, another post altogether).

I know it is easy to make assumptions, and try to arm chair analyze on an anonymous board. Knowing the people involved, I would say that MIL enabled and contributed to whatever happened, and as PPs noted, this is MILs way of carrying abuse out further.

DH is perfectly justified in wanting to carry on FILs medals to FILs grandsons, by the son FIL was so close to.
Anonymous
Post 03/17/2015 21:02     Subject: MIL gives us crap, gives SIL heirlooms
Anonymous wrote:All objects from this family are memories of abuse. HE is building up these items to memorialize people who don't exist. His father, may well have been a somewhat nice person, but...this man clearly enabled MIL to abuse DH and treat him cruelly over the years. He wants that person's medal? That person is not the hero your DH holds him up to be.

Has he been to any therapy about his family?

This is what I was going to say. Is he idealizing his dead father as a way to deal with the emotional trauma of an abusive family?
Anonymous
Post 03/17/2015 20:49     Subject: MIL gives us crap, gives SIL heirlooms
All objects from this family are memories of abuse. HE is building up these items to memorialize people who don't exist. His father, may well have been a somewhat nice person, but...this man clearly enabled MIL to abuse DH and treat him cruelly over the years. He wants that person's medal? That person is not the hero your DH holds him up to be.

Has he been to any therapy about his family?
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2015 11:24     Subject: Re:MIL gives us crap, gives SIL heirlooms
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As I tell my 5 year old, "you get what you get, and you don't get upset." It's her stuff, she can do with it what she wants. PERIOD. Now, you don't have to continually engage her and allow her to mistreat you. You are an adult and you can disengage. But what point is there in even wondering about who gets what?

And we expect our kids to behave better than most adults on this site?


Fairly? Why yes, yes we do!


Different PP, here. Life isn't fair. It sucks, but OP isn't going to fix the situation by poking the SIL with a stick. The ILs sound like horrible people who aren't interested in changing or improving relationships.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2015 11:18     Subject: MIL gives us crap, gives SIL heirlooms
Anonymous wrote:OP, given your follow up post, I think you should let this go and say good riddance.
Originally, I was going to say that I know sometimes mothers feel like daughters are more likely to keep it in the family. My mom had bad experiences with daughter in laws who divorced and took family heirloom with them (and I know other families that had the same problem, including someone who can't get back her grandmother's jewelry from her ex-stepmom).
If there are specific things that your husband or kids would want, they should say something to MIL -- like "I always loved grandpa's watch collection. I would really love to have one as a memory of grandpa." If your kids have a good relationship, they can ask directly. But once you say that the relationship is/was abusive, I say let it all go. It won't bring happy memories anyway.


This. Sorry, OP. I get where you're coming from. My spouse has crappy parents, and naturally, I find myself becoming protective at times. There's inequity in my DH's family as well. He's had longer to come to terms with it than I have.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2015 10:27     Subject: Re:MIL gives us crap, gives SIL heirlooms
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As I tell my 5 year old, "you get what you get, and you don't get upset." It's her stuff, she can do with it what she wants. PERIOD. Now, you don't have to continually engage her and allow her to mistreat you. You are an adult and you can disengage. But what point is there in even wondering about who gets what?

And we expect our kids to behave better than most adults on this site?


Fairly? Why yes, yes we do!


If you are OP you have a lot of growing up and maturing ti do. Bottom line: her stuff, her choice!!!!
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2015 17:05     Subject: Re:MIL gives us crap, gives SIL heirlooms
Anonymous wrote:As I tell my 5 year old, "you get what you get, and you don't get upset." It's her stuff, she can do with it what she wants. PERIOD. Now, you don't have to continually engage her and allow her to mistreat you. You are an adult and you can disengage. But what point is there in even wondering about who gets what?

And we expect our kids to behave better than most adults on this site?


Fairly? Why yes, yes we do!
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2015 14:45     Subject: Re:MIL gives us crap, gives SIL heirlooms
As I tell my 5 year old, "you get what you get, and you don't get upset." It's her stuff, she can do with it what she wants. PERIOD. Now, you don't have to continually engage her and allow her to mistreat you. You are an adult and you can disengage. But what point is there in even wondering about who gets what?

And we expect our kids to behave better than most adults on this site?
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2015 14:41     Subject: MIL gives us crap, gives SIL heirlooms
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Maybe she figures her daughter will treasure the family heirlooms more than her son.


OP here. I agree with your statement, but it is obvious that is not the case. MIL favors her daughter (one more than the other), but the family has always been abusive to this son. He has done well because of (in spite of?) their abuse. Any favoritism has backfired (enabled the daughter/SIL), and so has any abuse (propelled this son). I suppose MIL does not see what effect she has. DH is afraid to approach them, due to abuse issues. Obviously, I would like to help him. MIL has other issues, so I do not interact with her too much.


Sorry OP, I think you have the answer to your initial question in this follow up information.
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2015 14:40     Subject: Re:MIL gives us crap, gives SIL heirlooms
Anonymous wrote:This is DH's issue not yours. [/quote
This
Anonymous
Post 03/12/2015 14:34     Subject: Re:MIL gives us crap, gives SIL heirlooms
Anonymous wrote:Your husband should just ask his sister for the things he wants.


OP here. With SILs, once DH expresses interest, it becomes a game, much like MIL plays, unfortunately. Akin to "na-na-na-na-na, you can't haaaaaaave it". Issues and people tend to regress in DH's family, spoken or not. I fear it is gone for good, but I truly appreciate the input, in hopes that something comes along we had not considered. Other PP, DH does not have it in his to take the items. At least I don't *think* he does. I tend to stay away from their toxicity, but it hurts me to see him hurt, yet again. They really are predictable and underhanded; and enjoy excluding him often, sadly.